You Take My Breath Away

Pneumothorax. I’d never heard that word before, and I never want to again. Lenox’s right lung collapsed, and he couldn’t breathe. He’s being equipped for transport to neighbouring SickKids Hospital where he will be put on a different ventilator and given a few days to recover. He has a tube through his tiny chest, which was required to drain the air from his chest cavity.

I can’t let go of his little hand. He was fighting for his life and I didn’t even know. Aren’t mothers supposed to have a sixth sense about these things? Shouldn’t I have been able to tell something was wrong? He hasn’t been out of my body for more than a few hours, and I’ve already failed him.

“We’re going to transfer him now. They have a bed available, and they’re going to take good care of him.” A member of the SickKids Transport Team speaks to me, but I barely acknowledge her words. I couldn’t describe her, because I can’t take my eyes off of Lenox.

I’ve been told I can’t go with him because I am still a patient, but Liam can. Before he goes, he leans down to kiss my forehead. “He’s going to be fine. I know you’re scared for him, but he is going to the best children’s hospital in the world. They don’t get that title for nothing.”

I hold back my tears because I don’t want to make leaving me harder for Liam. He follows our baby out of the room in a travelling incubator, surrounded by two transport team members.

I ask to be positioned in between Lincoln and Hudson’s cots, and I sit there taking in their features. They have near identical noses, and the same dark hair, but Lincoln has fuller lips, like his dad. Hudson has more body hair—I’m really hoping they’re serious when they say that’s normal and it will fall out. He’s like a little teddy bear. I knew time in the NICU was likely, and I wanted to share my love for books, so I take out a few of the books I packed and begin reading.

Do Not Wish For A Pet Ostrich is a hit with Lincoln, and I have a feeling that means he’s going to be cheeky. As I read, he opened his eyes, and while I know he can’t see far right now, seeing his dark eyes look for my voice brings me more joy than I could ever imagine. At first I assumed his eyes were dark brown like Liam’s, but they’re actually a deep blue, nearing navy. I wish with all of my might that you’ll be in my arms soon, sweet boy.

Hudson seemed more interested in Oliver Gilmore, a Doxie’s Diary, and I think that means he’s going to be a dog lover, and maybe enjoy travelling. Either that, or he hates my attempt at singing the song Oliver’s dad sings to him in the book. Hudson’s little eyes peek open for a moment, but not long enough for me to determine what colour they are. He’s had an exhausting day and has earned his sleep.

Dola and Zara have both agreed to stay as long as they’re needed, so each of the babies will have someone with them as much as possible. I want to be by their sides 24/7, but I know that’s not possible while I recover. That doesn’t make leaving them easy.

When I’m wheeled back to my room, I keep replaying the scene with Lenox lying in his cot with a tube coming out of his chest. I can’t help but sob. For a few short hours, I thought everything would be okay. I thought I did something right for once in my life. I should have known better.

Isla is sitting in my room when I return, fiddling with her phone. She tucks it into the side pocket on her leggings, and I make a mental note to ask her where she got that genius article of clothing. “Sorry, I was just texting Rory. She was asking about the babies.”

“Why are you sorry, silly? That’s nice of her to ask.” I sniffle, trying to get my emotions under control; something I haven’t been successful at for a quarter of a century.

Isla seems unsure of what to say. “I didn’t know what to tell her. How are they?”

It occurs to me that Isla only knows something was going on, but probably not what. I relay to her the events of the past two hours and her terrified expression does little to squash my own fears.

“Hopefully Liam will check in soon so we’ll know how Lenox is getting settled. I hate I couldn’t go with him.”

“Chels, you just had a major surgery, and went from zero to three kids in a matter of minutes. You have to look after yourself, too. Right now, just let us all be here for you. All four of you need care and support, so as a family, we’ll make sure you get it.”

I stare at my little sister, who is wise beyond her years. She knows a thing or two about long-term hospital stays. “Thanks, Troublemaker. I know you have a lot going on with school starting soon, so don’t worry about me. You can go home.”

“Oh, no you don’t. You’re not getting rid of me. Reason one, Mom would strangle me. She was adamant that someone be here with you at all times. Reason two, like you said, school is starting soon. Not today.”

I chuckle, imagining Zara issue her empty threats, which no one ever calls her on because it’s sweet she gets so determined. I guess there’s one thing I could use help with. “Want to grab the breast pump out of my bag and help me figure it out?”

For a split second, Isla looks to be deciding what’s worse: not following through Zara’s orders or helping me with a breast pump. Ultimately, she decides Zara is scarier.

The two of us sit in the hospital room, assembling this bright yellow, electric double breast pump. I did a lot of research online and this one seemed to be the best, but it sure comes with a lot of parts. I wasn’t aware I’d need an engineering degree to build the thing first. You may not need to pass a test before procreating, but these baby-product manufacturers send things in as many parts as possible, making it a certainty you’ll have to demonstrate patience, logic, and basic reading skills.

Liam returns to my room at 7pm. I fell asleep for about an hour, but sleeping in the maternity ward is difficult. Especially when you constantly hear babies crying and can’t hold your own.

I perk up seeing his arrival but worry about what he’ll say. “How’s Lenox?”

“Babe, you should see him. They called him a big chubby baby, because he’s in a room normally reserved for micro-preemies under a thousand grams. Can you believe that?” Liam’s eyes drop as his moment of excitement disappears. “It’s hard to see him like that, but it will help him grow big and strong. Do you want to see a picture?”

Do I want to see a picture? If Liam says it’s hard seeing Lenox, I can’t imagine how I’ll handle it. But he’s my baby, and I want to know everything that’s happening. “Yeah, I do.”

Liam slides onto the edge of the bed, pulling his phone from his back pocket. “I took some videos of him too. He’s sedated, so he’s going to wake up healthy and strong, with no memory of this.”

When Liam pulls up the photo, I gasp. My baby is covered in wires, medical tape, tubes, and monitors. I ask Liam to explain what each thing was, and as I expected, Liam asked the doctors and nurses no less than eighty questions to make sure he knew what everything was for. They equipped Lenox with an umbilical catheter, several monitors to check oxygen levels and heart rate, and a ventilator. Seeing him there, sedated, helpless, and clinging to life, I lose every ounce of joy I had been feeling.

When Liam plays the video, Lenox’s entire body is vibrating rapidly. I wasn’t expecting that, so it shocks me even more. “What’s happening to him?”

“They put him on this special ventilator. I guess because of the pneumothorax, this will help him heal better. I know it looks scary, Chels, but they know what they’re doing. They’re a well-oiled machine in there, and he has a nurse all to himself. They gave me this phone number for you, so you can call and ask how he’s doing anytime, day or night.”

I take the paperwork Liam hands me, tucking into the side of the mattress. “Did they say how long he’ll be like that?”

“He’ll be on this ventilator for a few days, but he could need several weeks in the hospital. Once he’s more stable, they might be able to move all three babies to Orillia, or somewhere closer to home.”

Several weeks. That means even once I’m discharged in a few days, I’ll have to go home without our babies. Liam can’t take that much time off work. Neither can Dola nor Zara. Isla is starting college soon, so I can’t derail her future. The difficult reality of the weeks ahead hits me and the stress of the day takes over.

Liam lies back on the bed beside me, placing one arm around me. “Shh. Babe, it’s going to be fine. While I was waiting for him to get transferred and settled in a room, I was reading NICU success stories in the hallway. They have a whole display board with letters from parents whose babies went through the same things. You’d probably bawl your eyes out reading them.”

I chuckle. “Probably. Pregnancy hormones are no joke.”

“Our babies are so lucky to have you. You know when I proposed, I said I hoped every day would be the best day of your life?” I nod as he wipes a falling tear from my face. “Today was the best day of my life, Chels. You’ve made me the luckiest guy on the planet. I can’t even put into words how much I love you and our sons.”

“We love you too. So much.”