Lost My Nerve

Monday morning, Liam is up by 4:30am to get to the airport. Yesterday he made it his mission to equip every room in the house with Alexa, so if I can’t get up and can’t reach my phone, I can call for help. He might as well have gotten me a life-alert. It gives me a little more peace of mind, though.

Isla is in our guest room and offered to stay with me while Liam is gone. She often does anyway, but this time, I felt it was a necessary precaution. There’s no telling when these babies will make their great escape.

“I’ll keep my phone on at all times, even in meetings. So, call me any time. I’ll check in as often as I can, and like I said, first hint of action, I’ll be at the airport. I don’t care if they fire me.”

Every time Liam leaves, I worry about plane crashes, muggings, natural disasters… the list is endless. This time, though, there’s only one concern on my mind. Only one ‘what-if’ scenario I’m focused on.

I tamp down my whirling anxieties because I know this is hard for him, too. “I’ll text you throughout the day, but I won’t call unless it’s an emergency. You call me when you have free time. But if you get a call from me, then you’ll know.”

“Okay. It’s going to be fine, Babe. Everything will be fine.” He gives me a kiss, then pulls the blanket down and my shirt up to expose my massive, stretch-mark-covered stomach. “Be good for mommy and wait in there until Daddy gets home. Okay, boys?” He kisses my belly and two out of three boys respond by trying to kick his face, making Liam laugh. He gives me another kiss, and when he tries to stand, I cling to his shirt, afraid to let go. “I have to leave, Babe. I’m sorry, but Dad’s outside.”

“Do you think if you missed your flight, they’d just reschedule for next year or something?” My attempts at keeping my emotions at bay have failed. I’m ugly crying.

“I wish. I’d much rather crawl back in bed with you.” With one last kiss on my cheek, he pulls away. “I’ll be back before you know it. Just keep those babies cooking. I love you.”

With that, he disappears out the door and I shout behind him, “I love you, too.”

Ninety minutes later, Liam texts me from the airport to say he arrived safely, and he’s at his gate. I barely had time to come to terms with him leaving before he was headed to the airport and the reality brings a flood of wracking sobs. I lie on my side, using multiple pillows to get comfortable, to no avail, crying into Liam’s pillow so I can at least smell him. He smells like Irish Spring soap and Liam. His own unique smell. My favourite smell in the world.

I’m lost in my tears when the bed dips behind me. For a split second I think maybe it’s Liam, and he’s come back home, but when a skinny arm wraps around me, I realize who it is.

“Don’t worry, Chels. He’ll be home soon.”

I hope so. But for the next two hours, I lie wrapped in my little sister’s arms, spending more of my life worried about what’s to come.

I wake from a nap a few hours later, and I hear clanking in the kitchen. I take a significant chunk of time to get myself out of bed, but I manage. Throwing on a pair of wouldn’t-be-caught-dead-out-of-the-house-in-these sweatpants and one of Liam’s shirts I spend a few moments sniffing, I waddle to the kitchen to find Isla and Zara.

“Hi, Sweetheart. I hope we didn’t wake you.”

“No, I cried myself into a coma. My bladder woke me up. What are you doing here?”

“It’s Monday, remember? Since your housework looks done, I decided I’d prepare some freezer meals for you.”

“Freezer meals?”

“I saw it on Pinterest. There are loads of recipes, and you take one day to shop and prepare everything, then as you need them, you just take them out of the freezer and throw them in the oven or crockpot. Instant dinner.” Through that short monologue, Zara didn’t stop moving. She’s mixing, chopping, and boiling who-knows-what. Isla is standing silently beside her, chopping vegetables.

“That sounds helpful. Especially once the babies are here.”

“That’s the idea. You’ll be so tired, but healthy meals are important, so I’m going to spend today getting you a head start. You go rest on the couch and holler if you need something.”

“I can hel—”

“You most certainly will not. Go sit your behind on the sofa, Chelsea. Grandma’s orders.” She looks up at me, her green eyes bulging out of her head. “I still can’t get used to the idea of being a grandma.”

I laugh. She is a young grandma and I almost feel guilty. She’ll be the youngest grandmother at the playground, that’s for sure. I’m assuming it’s uncommon to have three grandchildren before forty. “You’re going to be a great grandma. You are a phenomenal mom.”

Her smile is genuine, reaching her eyes, turning them into slits. “Thank you, Chels. That means everything to me. You guys were easy to love.”

I laugh again, because I know that’s not true. I made things anything but easy. “That’s a funny joke. Isla has made things pretty easy. Even Bond, once he got over his habit of weaponizing poop. But I definitely didn’t make anything easy.”

Isla ceases her chopping to look at Zara, who doesn’t bat an eye before replying. “Don’t for one second think that making bad choices ever made me love you less. You can still love someone when you don’t love their choices.”

Her words stick with me. I believe that’s true, but I don’t think I’ve been remotely deserving of the kindness both mine and Liam’s families have shown me over the years. If nothing else, it motivates me to earn the love they give me. I never want to disappoint them again.

I take my seat, perched on the sofa, and flip on the TV. I scroll through the Netflix menu several times. Attempt to watch a few new movies that sound interesting, but never make it past five minutes into any of them. Finally I settle on Hot Fuzz, because British comedy is the gold standard as far as I’m concerned.

When my phone buzzes a short time later, I glance down to read it.

Liam: I miss you. How are you feeling?

Chelsea: I’m fine, but missing you too. Mom is here making us food. Watching a movie now. Been instructed not to lift a finger.

Liam: Listen to your mother. I owe her big time. What are you watching?

Chelsea: Hot Fuzz

Liam: Good choice. I’m going into a meeting now, but I’ll call when I’m done. I love you.

Chelsea: I love you too. Go get ‘em, tiger.

It’s amazing how even reading words Liam writes can make me feel closer to him. He’s travelled plenty of times over the years, but not since I found out I was pregnant. I assumed this contract had been forgotten, or the deal didn’t go through. Lesson learned. Don’t make assumptions because you get blindsided by unexpected work trips when you’re thirty-two weeks pregnant with triplets.

“How’s it going in there?” I shout from our family room into the kitchen.

“Almost done our first batch of meals. Do you need anything?”

Just my husband. And a toilet. And maybe a crane.