Gut Feeling

When Liam and I were married sixteen months ago, we had everything figured out. We created a to-do list with a carefully curated timeline in place so we could make the most of our life together, ticking off boxes most young married couples dream of. We purchased a home—which was infinitely easier with financially stable parents who insisted on pitching in as a wedding gift, and the equity from the home Liam purchased as a bachelor. We’ve done some travelling—something I never thought I’d do, but after a honeymoon road trip to New York City, it became something we enjoyed doing together—as long as we can drive. We both have jobs we love. Our relationship is stronger than ever.

The next logical step for us is to expand our family. As I stare down at the two pink lines on this life-changing bathroom chemistry experiment, I try to wrap my head around what this means for us.

Babies always change things. Dynamics between couples alter completely with a child in the picture. Which one of us will be the disciplinarian, and who will be the fun parent? Which one will the child gravitate toward or cry for when they skin their knee?

Is Liam going to be happy? This isn’t in line with our timeframe, but we decided last month that we’d just not not try and see what happened. Turns out, we’re fertile.

After walking into our open-concept kitchen, I seat myself in a plush, off-white barstool facing my laptop and take to the internet to find fun ways to spring the news on a spouse. I want this moment to be memorable—the moment our family no longer includes just us.

“We’re going to give you a good life, baby,” I mutter to my stomach.

Liam enters the kitchen after finishing his workout in our home gym—rather, his home gym. I don’t go in there. I slam the laptop shut, not wanting him to see my internet search.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh. Um. Just googling something.”

He quirks his brow, walking toward me. “Please don’t tell me you’re looking up some random symptoms for something. You know what my mom says about Dr. Google.”

My mother-in-law is a family medicine practitioner at a clinic in Bracebridge. She’s given me a few reminders over the years not to consult Dr. Google if something feels wrong.

“Well, not exactly.” My face betrays my emotions before I’ve come up with a plan.

“What’s wrong? I can call my mom.”

“You’re probably going to want to call her, but it’s not what you think.”

A frown emerges on Liam’s face as he tilts his head. “Do you care to enlighten me? I’m stumped.”

Before my mind can catch up with my mouth, I blurt, “we’re pregnant.”

He takes a second to absorb what I said. I berate myself for spoiling what was supposed to be a special moment. His eyes shoot wide open as he dashes toward me, scooping me off my stool in a bridal carry. “Are you serious? Pregnant? But, how?”

I giggle at his reaction. “Well, you see. When two people love each other…”

He kisses me to interrupt my absurdity. “I really do love you.” He sets me on the white marble counter and crouches down in front of me, his face in line with my midsection. “I love your mom so much, little one. And I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

I stay perched in my position, taking in the scene before me, falling more in love with him by the second—and more in love with our baby.

I wipe a tear from his cheek, building the courage to ask something I know he won’t be too fond of. “Can we keep this our little secret for a while? I don’t know how far along I am, but I just want to get through the danger zone before we tell everyone.”

Liam stands to face me. “Danger zone? Babe, I want to shout it from the rooftop.” He backs up a few feet, throwing his hands in the air as he shouts, “I’m going to be a dad! Wooo!”

“You’re such a goof.” I chuckle, but quickly implement my serious face. “Let’s just have our first appointment, and then we can tell everyone, okay?”

“I can’t even tell my mom? She’ll know everything we have to do and be able to point us in the right direction.”

“Please, Liam. Not even your mom. Not yet.”

“If that’s what my baby-momma wants, then that’s what she gets.” His playfulness makes way for concern as he questions me. “Are you feeling okay? Do you feel any kicks yet? How come you don’t look pregnant?”

“Wow, man. Slow down. First, I feel fine. No, I don’t feel kicks or look pregnant because it’s way too early. You’re an impressive man, Liam Davis, but you didn’t impregnate me with a fully formed fetus.”

“I’m going to have to watch some YouTube videos about this or something. Oh, gosh. I don’t know what I’m doing. What if I’m a terrible dad?”

I pause for a moment, thinking about the horrific things my father put me through as a child, and I can’t imagine Liam being anything short of wonderful. I didn’t have a mother figure in my life until Zara and Zach adopted me when I was fifteen. If either of us is going to fail as a parent, I’m confident it will be me. Despite my own fears of failure, I want to reassure Liam. “You’re going to be a great dad. You’ll be better than mine.”

Liam cringes at the mention of my father. The demon-spawn, Kevin, is currently serving a twenty-five-year sentence for attempted kidnapping, drug possession, and a slew of other charges. Surely, anything is an improvement on that pedigree. That’s not mentioning the things he did they didn’t charge him with. His role as a failed parent has left me with a lifelong battle with PTSD and I have difficulty trusting people. I trust Liam.

“You had a good example for a father. You’re a good man, and you’re going to be an amazing dad. I know it.”

“You’re going to be a great mom, Chels. I can’t wait to hold our baby in my arms. Hopefully it looks exactly like you.”

I hope not. I look exactly like my father. The thought of recreating another human who reminds me of that monster terrifies me. Will I love our baby less if it resembles Kevin? Will red hair and freckles make me resent an innocent child just because of my past? I don’t want to think it will, but it could happen. What if I hate my baby?

“What are you worried about?” Liam stops me from my pessimistic thought pattern.

“Everything.” Not a concise answer, but it’s honest. I don’t think I’m ready for this—the responsibility of raising another human, teaching them to be a good person, nourishing their mind and body. How can I ever be prepared for that?

“We’ll face everything as a team. Whatever the future brings, we’ll handle it together. Big Red and Arizona. Just like we always have.” He leans in, placing a gentle kiss on my stomach, which I’m pretty sure is my intestines, but the sentiment is the same. “I love you, baby.”