A CHAPTER FOR WHITE PEOPLE

Calling a quick white people meeting here. I know those are usually bad, but trust me, no white hoods or anything, just gotta chat with my fellow whities for a minute.

We would-be good guys are spending way too much time and energy in-fighting, and there are a few key things I see us go at one another on again and again. The good news is, on each of these issues I’m right, and you’re wrong, and we just need to get that clear and we’ll be able to move on to fighting the good fight. Easy enough, yeah?

Once you’re also right, you need to help spread the truth even to your asshole friends, especially to your asshole friends, now that you’re no longer an asshole. You’re welcome for that, by the way. Well worth the price of this book, I’d say (that and the story about my friend Ben’s parents doing anal on camera).

Look, I know it feels good to tell someone to fuck off for saying racist shit. It can make you feel like one of the good ones, an ally. Unfortunately, it’s often the opposite of what we white people ought to be doing. “Wha?! How could this be? Mr. Punch-a-Nazi would deprive me of the joy of unfriending, blocking, banning, and openly mocking a racist?”

Yeah. Sorry.

What’s a racist? I mean, we’re all racist, which is to say it’s something we should all struggle with and work against, but “a racist”? We tend to reserve this word for the blatant racist, the dedicated, actively racist person who will proudly talk about serving and preserving their race, which they simultaneously think is both superior and on the verge of being done in by natural selection. I personally don’t find trying to convert these dudes a judicious use of time or resources, as there is way too little pay off.

The “racists” we deal with more often in our own social circles are would-be allies, well-intentioned souls, who are asking honest questions and just don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect any black person to be patient with their “I’m just asking questions” nonsense, but I do expect this patience of myself. Admittedly, I am terrible at it.

A refrain I’ve been hearing of late is “Hey, white people, come get your boy,” which I take to mean, “I already answered your asinine questions that time you drank too much and wanted to have a heart-to-heart when I was just trying to relax, now you talk to this dude. Pay that knowledge forward.” Though sometimes it means “Your uncle is a drunk racist asshole. Deal with him. I’m trying to have a good time at this party.”

We should at least try to answer the questions that they’re just asking, if they seem to be asking them sincerely, and not using the Socratic method to try to drive their point home because they have so much to teach the world about “the real racism.” If their intentions really are pure, and they’re at all willing to listen, we should talk to ’em.

And of course sometimes you get to be the clueless white ally. Lord knows I have been. Thanks to my black friends who’ve been patient with me, and thanks to white friends who have taken a deep breath and helped me when I’d pushed the patience of said black friends too far and they had to call someone to come get their boy. The last time I just-asking-questions-ed a friendship to death, it was with a comedian who I respect tremendously and the story ended up in his act. I’m wondering if I can use it on my résumé as a TV credit. (We’ve since had a cup of coffee and a hug, but the friendship isn’t what it was.)

I’ve included this chapter to address a few stumbling blocks I’ve seen would-be allies get hung up on. Of course this is a white dude’s perspective on these issues hoping to help you catch up a bit. I’m like the piano teacher who is trying to stay one lesson ahead of her student.

Ultimately of course, if you want to hear about black people stuff, you should read some black authors, you wanna hear about women stuff, you need to read some women, if you want to hear about gay people stuff, I think you get the point, they all write books too, and think pieces, and articles for Huff Po, Teen Vogue, or Ebony, and funny memes, and poems, and songs, and movies, and damn, now I’m getting excited. I won’t fault you if you just skip this chapter and go straight to the source or The Source, a fine publication.

PRIVILEGE

Privilege can be a real difficult thing for some people to grasp, particularly whites who grew up poor, or in other harsh circumstances.

People struggle with the concept that you can have racial privilege and not have economic/class privilege. You can be the son of addicts living in poverty, and you’re still the white, male son of addicts living in poverty, which doesn’t mean you don’t have a hell of a hard lot in life, if anything it’s all the more reason you should have some compassion for people that don’t have that gender or racial privilege.

I came across a Dust Bowl–era photo of two white children of coal miners, with big eyes and dirty clothes and faces, and someone had captioned it “Go ahead, tell them they’re privileged.” I guess the author of the meme (memer? Sir Memes-a-Lot?) didn’t stop to think, if these white kids have it this bad, what are the odds that their black neighbors have it better? Or even as good? Are they imagining a black man owns the mine?

From my white friends who didn’t grow up poor I hear, “Oh, so I should feel guilty because I have a decent job, and place to live? I worked hard for this.”

Of course you shouldn’t feel bad for what you have. The good things you have because of your privilege are mostly okay. It’s not bad that you have them, it’s bad that having them is a privilege, and that that privilege might in any way be afforded to you because of your skin color, gender, religion, sexuality, etc. You should only feel bad if you’re somehow managing to not notice or care that other people working just as hard aren’t doing quite as well. It’s probably not your fault it’s happening, but who else is to blame for you not giving a shit about it? And that is what privilege means, by the way: even outside of discussions of race, privilege doesn’t mean a good thing, it means a good thing awarded to a specific person or group of people.

I didn’t hear white privilege talked about much when I was younger. I’ll admit, I had a hard time with it at first, too. But I’ve come to realize, talking about privilege is actually very generous. It’s not just labeling a person who has said or done something racist a racist, but rather looking at where their views and misunderstandings may be coming from. It’s saying, “Look, you’re not necessarily a fool, you just lack a certain perspective.” Check your privilege is a pretty friendly way to say, “Sssssshhhhh. This might be one of those times to listen to people who actually experience the shit we’re discussing.”

I had a heated argument one night about privilege, and a friend kept pointing out that it was I who was privileged. He pointed out my newish sneakers, my “hipster pants” (maybe the only time my thirty-three dollar Wrangler Wranchers have ever gotten the respect they deserve). I kept agreeing with him. I couldn’t seem to make him understand that I wasn’t saying otherwise. I was imploring us all to recognize our privilege, myself included, and to believe people of color when they tell us what it’s actually like for them in this culture. They’ve been writing about it in novels, poems, and stand-up comedy sets, singing about it, rapping about it, for ages, and it wasn’t until they were able to start filming it that we actually started to believe them, and some of us are still holding out.

I’ve heard the argument that black people and white people are equally racist. So much to unpack there, but even if this were true, and that simple, and black people and white people were equally racist, there are way more of us. That would still put us at a HUGE advantage in dealing with racism in this society.

Black people can’t be racist.

This one has broken up some friendships for sure. Here’s how I take it when I hear that only white people can be racist. When we talk about racism, when we’re discussing racism as a problem, it’s shorthand for systemic racism. Systemic racism is the problem, after all. I mean, some people not liking other people based on their skin color sucks for sure, but it’s a bigger problem when it’s systemic, widespread enough to thwart the groups in the minority, and advantage those in the majority. That’s the racism we’re confronting, which is oppressing and keeping people down. If you’re white, you may feel bigotry (and I sincerely hope you get to experience being in the minority sometime even for a day; it’s a microcosm but still a real eye-opener), but you are securely in the majority in the United States. Yes, you are. No, you are. No, you won’t be a minority in a few years. That’s only if you count every minority group together, as one group. All of them combined may soon outnumber Caucasians, but we will remain the largest ethnic group for quite some time. Shut up with that bullshit. Goddammit, I’m sorry. Look, I warned you I was bad at this.

Look, I’ve had bigoted speech aimed at me based on the color of my skin.

I was standing in line at an amusement park, Disneyland or Knott’s Berry Farm, I don’t remember which. I was very young, maybe single digits. A group of black girls were cutting in line, and as they pushed past me racing toward the front, I protested, “Hey!”

One of the girls yelled back at me, “Fuck you, white shit,” and they continued on their way to the front of the line.

It hurt. It stung, badly enough that almost four decades later a full-grown man still remembers it. I was taught by my parents and teachers that racism was the worst thing, and an accidental part of that lesson was that black people were inherently champions of racial harmony. It was wrong that that girl said that to me. My feelings of hurt were valid.

But, when she said these hurtful words to me, it was shocking. To be shocked was itself a privilege. There was not a lifelong history of me questioning my worth because I was white and had words like this aimed at me every day. This wasn’t one in a long series of incidents of me being put down for the color of my skin. My ethnic history was presented to me as Vikings on one side, kilts and bagpipes on the other, coming to America, not one of my people being dragged here in bondage. And I was surrounded by other white people as I felt this hurt. I wasn’t a lone white face in a sea of darker faces feeling alone in my anger and betrayal. I didn’t watch movies and cartoons every day full of faces that didn’t resemble my own. There was little to no chance that an authority figure at the park was going to take her side based on her being black and me being white.

So yeah, it was wrong and it fits a definition of racism, but it isn’t what we talk about when we discuss the racism that people of color deal with, the racism that we struggle with as a culture. It doesn’t help that cause, it certainly hurts it, and it sucks but it’s not the same struggle, not even close.

That little girl was being an asshole. I wish I could thank her for giving me a tiny, little glimpse at what it feels like to be made to feel bad about the color of your skin, and years later helping me understand just how tiny that glimpse was.

I don’t see color; race doesn’t exist; you’re the racist for being aware of race at all.

I’ve seen quite a few takes on this. In the atheist circles I often run in, I get this “rational” approach, “Race is a human construct. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t exist.” This is actually valuable if you’re talking to a hardcore blatant racist who wants to argue that one race is genetically superior to another. But I don’t waste a lot of time on those assholes. Unfortunately, I see this logic being erroneously applied to argue against people fighting for empowerment, or against things like appropriation, and white-washing. It’s often accompanied by “Sorry, I just judge individuals as individuals, and not by the color of their skin. Who’s the real racist here?”

It’s them of course. Judging people as individuals is great, but we should also be aware that until all of society does that, which we’re a long way from, people of different skin colors will have different experiences, struggles, and ethnic identities based on how said society treats them.

As far as the science goes, race being a poor way to organize us genetically doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Race being a human construct doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Don’t pull over for the police when they turn their lights and sirens on behind you. After all, “police” is a human construct. Genetically speaking, a police officer is just another human. And don’t worry about his gun, it’s a human construct, too. Why make sure your doctor has a medical degree? Talk about a human construct. It’s not like that degree means she has a specific set of experiences that might see her more qualified to speak on certain topics, like your health for instance.

Being color-blind may seem like a good goal, but it often means that instead of not seeing race, you’re not seeing racism. And when a person of color is talking to you about race, you should see color, and you should listen to them.

Yeah, well, you’re a harsher judge of straight, white males than you are of anyone else.

Yep.

Are you saying I am looking at the group I’m a member of with a more critical eye? And you’re not praising me for this? Weird, since I hear black people being told all the time that this is what they should be doing.

You’re just trying to be politically correct.

Yep, again.

As a comedian I get this one a lot. Correct is a nice word, right? Which part of the phrase politically correct sounds like a bad thing to you?

Political correctness and comedy became a talking point again when Jerry Seinfeld announced he no longer felt he could play colleges, as if his observations about socks in washer machines were going to enrage the kids.

I don’t give a fuck that Jerry Seinfeld (who I admire greatly, for the record) can’t play colleges anymore. I don’t weep for him any more than I would for Frank Sinatra when Elvis took over, or Elvis when the Beatles came along. Oh no, the kids have changing taste and values and have new favorites, the world is ending!

Let me tell you a sad story. There was once a comedian who had to give up his act because of the damn PC police. Yeah! He was the last of his kind, and it broke his heart to have to stop making people laugh because the politically correct liberals had no damn sense of humor. Aren’t you feeling terrible for him? His heart was heavy, and tears mixed with his “blackface” makeup as he prepared to remove it after his last show. Poor guy. Oh well, at least he could still tell gay jokes.

Ironically, politically correct is yet another phrase co-opted by the right in their Orwellian way. Originally the complaint was about terms like friendly fire, and conflict, in place of involuntary manslaughter, and war. Now it’s about white dudes getting grief for saying the n-word.

People of color, listen to me, I’m a white guy who knows how to end racism!

So many armchair quarterbacks in the ending racism game. They usually have advice after something terrible happens and there is a violent response: “Violence isn’t the way to solve this.” And that’s a reasonable point of view. I certainly know black people who feel this way. But you know what, until you’re on the front line of fighting racism yourself, maybe don’t be trying to call the shots. Maybe focus more on the racism, not the victims of racism’s response to it.

“If you want to end racism just stop focusing so much on race. You’re only adding to the problem.” I am amazed that this one is still out there, but it is, and I still hear it on a regular basis. What problem goes away if you don’t pay attention to it? Oh yeah, any problem that isn’t affecting you personally. Oddly enough, when people of color ignore race, they’re still discriminated against by banks, law enforcement, the justice system, and employers.

I don’t want to get caught up in judging the quality of the advice, because the point is, it’s not our place as white people to be giving advice to black people on how to deal with white racism. You want to help, ask how you can help. Shy? There are books, podcasts, blogs, documentaries by people of color about the struggle for equality, its history, philosophy, and even specifically the role of white people in the movement, which from what I see is mostly in a support role, and in taking some responsibility to talk to our white neighbors, friends, and family.

And now for a weird analogy: You notice black hip-hop artists mostly give respect to Eminem? Yeah, that’s because he is in that game full-time, and he worked his way up. He paid dues, and he paid respect, and now, it seems, he can talk about rap with some authority. When you’re barely, or not at all, involved in the struggle for civil rights, you sound like Vanilla Ice telling black people, women, gay people, or anyone else who deals with this shit everyday how they should be doing it. Those nonviolent actions you think they should be doing, shut up and go do them!

APPROPRIATION

Musical pioneer Thelonious Monk said the following about the creation of be-bop during a time when white band leaders had come to dominate jazz: “We wanted a music that they couldn’t play.”

Don’t confuse appropriation with collaboration amongst equals. They’re not the same thing.

Everyday Sunshine is a great documentary on one of my favorite bands, Fishbone, true innovators and a huge influence on bands like No Doubt, Sublime, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and the whole nineties third-wave ska scene (but don’t hold that against them). Throughout the film, millionaire white artist after millionaire white artist enthusiastically tell the cameras that they owe so much to Fishbone. Then, the cameras cut to members of Fishbone, struggling to get by, frontman Angelo moving back in with his mom. I couldn’t help but think, If you owe them so much, could you maybe write a check?

Yes, as artists we are gonna influence one another, but there is a long history of black innovators getting less credit (and less money) than white imitators. There is a right and a wrong way to collaborate, and staying aware of this history, realizing the system is rigged, and trying not to perpetuate that is the responsibility of any artist who respects the artistic community, and his fellow humans.

And then there are the things that just aren’t up for grabs. For example, Native American headdresses mean something to Native Americans. I’m not gonna speak for them. Perhaps they had a big ceremony granting you their blessing to wear a headdress. Unless you’re sure they’re cool with it, though, maybe don’t.

I’m not saying you don’t have a legal right to wear ’em. I’m saying, know that it may be disrespectful and hurtful, and the oft-stated goal of honoring or paying tribute doesn’t hold water if the people you’re honoring specifically don’t want you doing the thing you’re doing.

Also, we’re all so tired of hearing about your legal rights. If “Well, it isn’t illegal” is the best defense you have, you’re coming from a pretty weak moral position.

I chose the headdress as one example trusting you could extrapolate from there. (Fuck your blonde dreadlocks [full disclosure; I once had blonde dreadlocks].)

I’M NOT A RACIST!

I am a racist, but I’m trying hard every day not to be.

Goddamn, we white people hate being called a racist, or even feeling like we’re being called a racist. I have seen white people get so mad at being accused of being racist they start saying racist shit. If you ever feel like saying, “I’m not a racist,” do yourself a favor, stop and look at the racism you’re being accused of instead. Actually address the action or speech being criticized, maybe not even with the person pointing it out to you, maybe with someone you trust who knows where your heart is at. It’d be real nice to hear more of us saying, “Oh! Sorry. Didn’t mean to be racist,” which will go way further toward proving you’re not a racist than saying, I’m Not a Racist. In fact, sometimes I think “I’m not a racist” is the mating call of the North American Racist. “I’m not a racist” has oddly become a kind of racist dog whistle.

And besides, who wants to settle for not being a blatant racist? In this day and age we should be striving to be antiracists.

You don’t have to agree with anything in this chapter, but if you want a less racist planet, you can’t let any of these sticking points stop you from chasing the goal daily in your speech and actions. We’re all counting on you.