It smelled less like beer in the back room of the pub, and the lights were brighter. Carter and Richie were chasing each other around a pool table, failing to pot any balls, while Stevie watched from the sidelines. I set a pound coin on the edge and leaned back against the chipped wall of the pub.
‘Reckon you can best me, Jimi?’ Carter grinned.
‘You think I left my pool skills back with my jeans?’ I shot back.
‘Oh, it is on.’ He took a swig of his beer and nodded to Richie. ‘Just let me finish wiping the floor with this douchebag – you’re next.’
I watched the end of the game, standing next to Stevie and sipping the orange juice Tish had bought me. Dance hits of the noughties were playing from the front of the pub – Pussycat Dolls, Vengaboys, bands that had faded without a trace – but the speaker back here was dusty and the sound was muted. Carter potted the last ball and declared himself the champion. ‘How’d you like that?’ he whooped, then grabbed Stevie and kissed her. I tried not to look. How had I ever thought I could compete with that? It would take more than a skimpy top and a bit of lipstick to give me the confidence to kiss someone in a crowded pub.
I rolled my eyes at Richie, who looked like he was used to it. ‘I’ll break, then, shall I?’
Carter disentangled himself and strode over. When we played pool in the rec room we were evenly matched, but tonight his first shot was sloppy, probably thanks to the Scotch. I sank two balls smoothly. When I leaned over the table to take my third shot, he came up behind me and pinched my bare waist. The ball thumped across the table and I whacked the cue against his chest. He just laughed.
‘You are kind of asking for it,’ said Richie. ‘Dressed like that.’
This was such a predictable comment from Richie that it was hard to be offended. ‘Tell me, Richie, when did you graduate to full dickhead?’ I said. ‘Did you have to pass a test or do they just hand out certificates based on brain function?’
Carter stepped sideways past me. ‘Don’t listen to him, Jim. I like the new ensemble.’
‘You can blame Tish for that,’ I said, down to the last ball. ‘It was a stupid experiment.’
He bent over and skimmed the cue a couple of times over his fingers. ‘Oh yeah? What was the hypothesis?’
I leaned in and said, close to his ear, ‘That it would get you to notice me.’
His cue skidded over his hand and the white ball missed its mark.
‘That’s two to me,’ I said. ‘Psych.’
Carter was looking at me sideways. My heart was hammering, but I potted the black as casually as I could and laid the cue down on the table.
‘Should’ve put money on it, Jimi,’ he said, and I thought his voice shook, but I could have been imagining it.
I went upstairs in search of the bathroom. How could I have said that to him, and in front of Richie and Stevie, too? There was no reason for me to put my neck out like that. Unless Tish was right – maybe I did have nothing to lose.
I splashed cold water on my face. Some of it trickled down my neck. There was no paper towel so I dried my hands in my hair. Tish’s styling products held firm, although I’d sweated a lot of the make-up off during the show. Black residue had gathered in the corners of my eyes.
The bathrooms were next to an empty function room with a balcony that looked out over the river. I could hear the shouts from the street party behind the pub and, across the water, I could just about make out the boathouse and the willow, its fronds reaching into the river.
I didn’t have a right to be disappointed. What had I expected from tonight, anyway? I was leaving first thing tomorrow. Maybe when I was back in the same country as Ellie, I could make it up to her. The two months at the academy would be a blip and I would forget all about Carter.
Behind me, someone said my name. Carter, of course. I should have known there’d be a reckoning. He held up his cigarettes. ‘Want one?’
I shook my head and he stood beside me, leaning against the balcony railings and gazing at the river.
‘It’s weird to think you won’t be here tomorrow,’ he said. ‘I feel like you just got here.’
‘Me too,’ I said, and suddenly I felt trapped, suffocated, my early morning flight looming. I leaned against him and he let out the smoke in a stream.
‘You must be excited to get home,’ he said.
‘Not really,’ I admitted. ‘I missed it a lot at first.’
‘But that was before the band.’ His eyes were trained on my face.
I breathed out. ‘Yeah, that was before the band.’
‘Do you think this is real, Liliana?’ he said. I straightened – he never called me Liliana. ‘I mean, it feels like we could be on the brink of something. Like the whole world is about to give way.’
I would never have dared to say it aloud, I would’ve been scared that putting words to it would jinx it, but Carter wasn’t afraid of that. I wasn’t sure if Carter was afraid of anything. It was a weird power, giving a name to it. For a second I wondered if I could call Dad and explain, with six hours to go before my flight. Would he understand? Would he pay for another flight back? But what if Beatnik offered us a record deal? They’d want me to stay in England, and Dad would never let me do that.
Our bodies were flush against each other as though we could form a barrier to the wind.
‘After my dad left, I kind of felt like nothing was real,’ he said. ‘It was like, if I couldn’t even tell that he was going to leave, and I lived with him – how could I trust anything at all? It’s taken me a long time to trust my instincts.’ His gaze flicked to my mouth. ‘But this …’ he murmured. ‘I’m pretty sure this is real.’
And that’s when I knew he hadn’t been talking about Beatnik.
His mouth met mine and it was a couple of seconds before I believed it, before I stopped holding myself upright and relaxed against his weight. God, it’d been ages since I’d kissed anyone, and it was overwhelming, the taste and smell of him, beer and smoke and breath and sweat and delicious. He pushed me against the railings, his jeans rough on my bare legs, zero to sixty in half a minute. I tried not to think that he’d been doing this with Stevie only minutes ago, or wonder what it might mean, or what he might think of me afterwards, but I couldn’t ignore it.
‘Carter ...’ I murmured.
‘Huhm ...’
‘Carter. Wait.’ He drew back, touching his mouth. I floundered. ‘Shouldn’t we talk about this?’
He looked away, as though there was something fascinating in the dark river, as if he could see inside the boathouse on the other side. ‘Um, OK, if you want.’
‘Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Stevie ...’
‘She’s not my girlfriend.’ His hand moved to my waist, slipping under the hem of Tish’s camisole to pull me close again, and I remembered him touching my hands under the willow tree all those weeks ago, and Verity’s tear-streaked face in the bathroom mirror.
‘It’s got nothing to do with us,’ he said. ‘You and me, Liliana – that’s something else. I’ve wanted you for weeks.’
He kissed me again and I curved up into him before my head could kick in. The cold railings dug into my back. I hooked his belt loops through my fingers, pulling him closer.
‘God ...’ he murmured. ‘This is something else ...’
What was wrong with me? This was what I’d wanted – what I’d been angling for all night. The only reason to fight it was self-preservation, which, as reasons went, didn’t seem very compelling right now. His pulse rushed under my fingers, and I remembered how quickly the Scotch had disappeared.
‘How foxed are you?’ I asked.
‘Sober as a judge,’ he said into my mouth. His fingers linked through mine. We stopped talking and I finally forgot about Stevie and the band and tomorrow and my flight in six hours and the meeting with Beatnik. There was nothing but the taste of him and the feel of his body against me and the blood flowing through mine.
The light came on in the function room and I hastily yanked the camisole straight. Carter shielded me with his body as I blinked over at Richie, who did not seem amused.
‘Oh mate. Seriously? What is it with you?’ I was still fully clothed but, as Richie’s eyes swept over me, I felt like I wasn’t. ‘Does he have a chocolate-flavoured penis or something?’
‘That’s racist,’ said Carter mildly.
Richie shrugged. ‘I’ve been looking for you. Sam is looking for you. Your girlfriend is looking for you.’
‘What can I say, I’m a popular guy.’ Carter tugged his T-shirt down. I noticed he didn’t correct Richie on whether Stevie was his girlfriend. ‘You got a good reason for interrupting?’
‘They’re pulling down the stage. Techie wants you to get your gear out of the way. You can put your stuff in my car if you like.’
Carter went to follow him out, but before he left, he grabbed my waist.
‘Let’s continue this later, yeah?’ He kissed me again, more forcefully than I was expecting.
Behind him Richie muttered, ‘Unbelievable,’ but I didn’t care.
•
The music was quieter now and someone called ‘Last drinks!’ as I got to the bottom of the stairs. I made a beeline for Tish at the bar before I realised I knew the curly-haired blonde beside her.
‘Liliana! You’ll know where he is!’ said Verity.
‘Who?’ I slid onto the stool next to Tish.
‘Carter, of course,’ said Tish. ‘What do you mean, “who”?’ She studied my face, which must have given everything away. ‘Ohmygod.’ She clapped a hand over her mouth. ‘Oh my god!’
‘No, wait …’ I spluttered, but she pulled me off the stool and waltzed me around, too drunk to be subtle. Verity stopped swinging her legs and hunched forward, as though she was about to leap off the stool.
‘It doesn’t mean anything,’ I said. ‘I’m leaving in the morning.’
‘Of course it means something,’ said Tish. ‘He’s liked you for ages.’
Verity hopped down. ‘I thought you were just friends.’
‘We are,’ I said. ‘Nothing happened.’ I turned to Tish. ‘You’re making this into a big deal. It’s not a big deal.’ But Verity’s eyes narrowed and I couldn’t blame her: I wasn’t even convincing myself.
‘You have to tell me everything!’ said Tish.
I glanced around and saw Richie come in the side door. Carter wasn’t going to be far behind him, and I didn’t want to be sitting with his ex when he arrived. Richie sidled over to me with a sneer of acknowledgement.
‘Wait …’ said Tish, but I shoved her off me and followed him into the pool room. At least it got me out of Verity’s orbit. My feet stuck to the floor, Tish’s shoes cutting into my ankles. I challenged Richie to a game while Tish loitered, sipping her drink and clearly waiting for us to finish so she could get the goss. Richie was unfocused and missed most of his shots, but I still enjoyed beating him. The lights came on halfway through our game and the music cut out. A girl was screaming at the back of the pub, but I only half paid attention until I heard his name.
‘I can’t believe you, Carter! You bloody liar!’
Richie looked straight at me. ‘Better face the music, huh, Liliana?’
Tish went to grab me, but I wrenched away from her and went towards the shouting. Stevie was in the doorway to the main room, still yelling, and I pushed through the gathering crowd.
Carter and Verity were on a couch together, her dress rumpled. Carter saw me and his face twitched with relief until he registered what that meant. I yanked away from Tish and charged blindly through the pub to the exit.
The paved area outside was crowded with smokers, so I went past them to a set of stone steps that led down to a mooring. My knees trembled and I had to take off Tish’s heels so I didn’t keel into the river. The schoolhouse, where I’d slept for the last two months, rose out of the darkness on the other side like a homestead in a horror film. I dropped onto the steps, my feet stinging as they sank into the water, and tried to block out the noise of the party behind me. But there was nothing that would take me back to before midnight.
Someone cleared their throat and I twisted to see Sam silhouetted in the glow from the streetlight. He sat beside me on the steps, taking in my submerged feet and the blonde hairs rising on my exposed thighs.
‘You left your jumper in my car. Here, borrow mine.’ He took off his hoody and I pulled it on over the skimpy top, feeling instantly safer. ‘Let me guess,’ he said slowly. ‘My girlfriend talked you into coming here dressed like that to try to snaffle Carter, and now he’s snogging Stevie instead and you’re wondering why you didn’t bring a jacket.’
I looked at him in surprise. Apart from the girl, he’d been right on the money.
‘Forgive me for saying this – Carter’s my best friend, but he’s not exactly serious boyfriend material.’
I untangled a strand of hair and tried not to look like I cared. The wind sent ripples across the river and flattened the jumper against my body. I took my feet out of the water, my insides knotted. If I didn’t go back to the party I’d never see Carter again. I could get on my plane, put it all behind me, and he would never know how much it had hurt.
‘Maybe I’ll just stay out here forever,’ I said.
‘Nah, that won’t work.’ Sam nodded at the goosebumps prickling over my bare legs. ‘You’ll probably freeze to death. And I’m not giving you my trousers.’
My laugh sounded suspiciously like a sob. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking,’ I said.
He rubbed my back through the jumper to warm me up. ‘Oh, Jesus, you shouldn’t be embarrassed,’ he said. ‘And look on the bright side, you and Carter have been circling each other for months. At least now you won’t die wondering, right?’
My mind poked around the memory, tried to separate it from what came afterwards, but it was still too raw.
‘That’s not what I wanted, though,’ I said. ‘I think I might actually like him.’
He looked sympathetic. ‘Don’t give yourself a hard time. You wouldn’t be the first girl this has happened to. Maybe you and Ava and Stevie can start a club.’
I tried to laugh, but it came out like a snort. ‘They can have him.’