I could practically hear Phoenix’s eye-roll through the phone. ‘Finally!’ they said. ‘It took you long enough.’
‘But you can’t tell anyone.’
‘Oh, Lil. It’s not like I’m going to call Have You Heard. Unlike a certain skater chick I know.’ The sound of the school canteen echoed shrilly in the background and I hoped Ellie wasn’t there to overhear. ‘So – is it love?’
‘What are you eating?’
‘Don’t be coy with me. I want details. Is he your boyfriend?’
I looked up at the old Raw Power poster. Our new pad was filled with tasteful Swedish furniture and terrariums, and the poster was the only thing that still felt like home.
‘He’s still Carter. It’s not like he’s had a personality transplant.’ I kept my voice down, even though my room was a long way down the hall from his. ‘It’s complicated.’
They let out a guffaw. ‘It’s not complicated. You chased the guy for months. And now you’ve finally got him and it’s … complicated? It’s like you want to make problems for yourself.’
‘I didn’t chase him. I fancied him.’
‘You wanted to have his babies!’
‘I wanted to have sex with him.’
‘And now you have. And …?’
‘It’s good. That part is great.’
They laughed again. ‘And what about Addie Marmoset? You look pretty cosy in these photos on the net.’
‘With Addie it’s … friends.’ I couldn’t believe I could say that, but it was true.
‘Are you really friends? I mean, do you genuinely care for her, or do you just want the kudos of being friends with a pop star that you’ve idolised forever?’
I bristled. Until recently I’d asked myself much the same thing. ‘We’re definitely friends,’ I said firmly. ‘Just friends.’
‘Does she know that?’
‘Of course she does. We’re releasing a single together.’
‘Uh-huh.’ There was scepticism in their voice.
‘Go on,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Say it.’
‘It’s just …’ they sighed. ‘I’m having a hard time believing you’re doing a duet with Addie Marmoset. The Addie Marmoset. You know, the one you had pictures of on your wall. The source of all your teenage fantasies. Miss “Rock You All Night” herself.’
‘Yes, I know who Addie Marmoset is.’
‘So I don’t believe you can be in the same room as her and not even try to get in her pants.’
It was an off-the-cuff statement, but it made me feel oddly protective of Addie. She was a person, vastly more complex and interesting than the avatar I’d had on my wall. ‘You don’t know her,’ I said. I thought of something Amir had said. ‘That’s the thing about being famous. Millions of people have the wrong idea of who you are.’
There was a jagged pause. ‘Oh, is that the thing about being famous?’ they snapped. ‘Can you even hear yourself?’
‘What’s your problem?’ I said, trying to laugh it off.
‘I’m not the one with the problem. You have completely changed. You’ve changed your clothes, you’ve changed your name, and now you’re changing your whole personality. It’s one thing that you’re dating Carter – if being famous was what it took for him to notice you –’
‘Carter’s not with me because I’m famous –’
‘And now you’re also screwing Addie Marmoset,’ they said.
‘I’m not screwing Addie, I told you –’
‘You’re staying overnight at her house!’
‘We stayed up late talking. It was totally innocent.’
‘This isn’t like you, Liliana.’
‘No, it’s like you,’ I said. ‘I’m not usually the one with all the attention, is that what you’re saying? Poor Liliana doesn’t know how to put on make-up and doesn’t know which end of a dress goes over her head! Well, now I have people to do all that for me! Now I’m with the two hottest rock stars on the planet and you’re jealous.’
I couldn’t believe I had said it. I instantly wanted to take it back. There was a sharp intake of breath and I started to apologise before they interrupted in a strangled voice. ‘I’m going to hang up now.’
But they were already gone. I threw the phone across the room and it landed on the vintage dressing table, scattering make-up and guitar picks everywhere. It wasn’t until I caught sight of my face in the mirror that I realised I was crying.
•
I texted Phoenix to apologise the next morning, but they didn’t respond. Days went by, and then weeks, and I still didn’t hear from them. At some point on one of their many nights out, Carter told Richie that we were together, and Richie teased me about it with a surprising amount of affection, as if we were really friends underneath it all. Beatnik released ‘Stargirl’ as the first single off Addie’s new album, and while I was out all day promoting the song, the boys were left to their own devices. Amir told them to get a head start on writing our next album, but I saw no evidence of it when I returned to our penthouse every night. Sam was always home, but I never knew if Carter would be. If I’d thought being in a relationship with me would make him curb his interest in clubbing, I was wrong. On the nights I went to bed alone, he would stumble into my room in the small hours, smelling of cigarettes and tasting of tequila.
‘So, your next move with Addie is a very public break-up, right?’ he said one night, stretched out on his stomach in my bed. The wide-open blinds cast slabs of streetlight across his body and I shifted against the pillows.
‘Yeah, or maybe a wedding spread for Hello!’
‘Don’t joke about that.’ He kissed my shoulder and I turned to kiss him properly. ‘I’m serious. I don’t want you to be with Addie.’
‘You know it’s just for the cameras,’ I said. For weeks, Carter had been pushing for me to end things with Addie, but this was the first time he’d been so upfront about it. It worried me: if the press found out I wasn’t really with Addie, both our careers and our reputations would be shot. His mood darkened, and I pushed him onto his back. ‘It’s not like how it is with you …’
For a second he looked like he didn’t want to be distracted, then he went along with it. ‘Well, I’d bloody hope not.’
•
‘Carter Tanqueray was up to his old tricks last night, leaving London nightspot MudDragon with a mysterious brunette beauty ...’ the article began. I scanned for her name, but there was nothing.
It wasn’t until the end of the article that my own name was mentioned: ‘Lady Stardust singer Lily Donadi, who has been all over town this week promoting her new song “Stargirl” with girlfriend Addie Marmoset, was not invited.’
Richie and Carter had gone out for a ‘few quiet ones’ when I’d been on Dennis Chang’s show with Addie last night. Carter had crawled into bed with me in the early hours of the morning and when I’d asked him how his night had been, he’d said, ‘It would have been better if you were there.’ The only thing stopping me from tearing him to shreds now was the fact that the whole band, plus Amir, were in the room with me – and Amir didn’t know Carter and I were together. I swallowed and looked up from the phone.
Sam glanced at the picture, then at me. ‘Who’s the bird?’
Carter seemed surprised to be asked that. I watched as he suddenly saw the picture through the eyes of someone who hadn’t been present when it was taken. ‘Oh. She’s no-one,’ he said. ‘How was I meant to know there was a camera?’
‘Give me strength,’ said Amir. ‘There is always a camera.’ He snatched the phone off me and shoved it in his pocket. ‘You’re pulling focus. Just when we need all eyes on Lily and Addie, you pull a stunt like that.’
‘I was just going out. I can’t help it if I was photographed.’
‘And they just happened to know where you were, did they? Must’ve been a slow news night,’ Amir commented. ‘You’re not exactly a big fish, you know.’
He stalked out, clearly expecting us to fall into line behind him, but I was still frozen, my fingers knotted in my lap. Carter reached over and took hold of them, and when they didn’t loosen he put his hand on my knee instead.
‘I mean, we were just walking to the cab rank,’ he said, his gaze fixed on my face. ‘She was actually more interested in Richie, wasn’t she, mate?’
‘Oh, yeah,’ said Richie. ‘It’s my manly pheromones, I can’t keep them away.’
I tried to calm down. I knew better than anyone that pictures could be misleading. But it wasn’t the girl that had been seared into my brain. It was Carter’s easy smile, the relaxed, confident way he flirted with the camera, and the words I’d written myself: He’s chasing the night but it’s never enough. As I’d said to Sam, no-one could say I wasn’t warned.