The rubber soles of my shoes scuffed on the hospital floor. Sam was outside talking to the doctor but I’d stayed in the private ward, holding Carter’s hand over the sheets. I watched his chest rise and fall with his breathing. He’d had his stomach pumped and was finally asleep. I scooped my greasy hair into an elastic band and shivered, still wearing the jeans and old T-shirt I’d put on when I removed the dress after Addie’s launch. My stomach was churning and my eyes were tight and dry, but I couldn’t leave his bedside. If I left, I’d have to think about everything that had happened last night, and I couldn’t face that.
Sam came in and stood beside me. ‘His mum’s on her way down from Birmingham, but the doctor says he should be back to himself tomorrow.’ He nudged me. ‘You were right. You made the right call. Now all we have to do is make sure it doesn’t happen again.’
‘How are we meant to do that, Sam?’ I snapped. Sam was an easier target for my anger than Carter. ‘This is totally out of our control. Do you think any of us can stand between Carter and what he wants?’
Carter needed our help, that much was clear. But I had no idea where to start.
As the fight went out of me, exhaustion rushed in to take its place. The tears started and I clung to Sam and sobbed, my body wracked and aching, machines beeping all around me.
•
Amir was right: the papers found out Carter was sick and Sam, Richie and I had to lie our way through a press conference, saying Carter was in hospital being treated for pneumonia. When I finally checked my phone later that day, there was a text from Addie.
With a flood of guilt, I realised I hadn’t even texted her since I’d left her launch without explaining why. I was too tired and numb to think of what to say, so I told her to come over. Somehow, I’d have to tell her about Carter. I hoped that wouldn’t ruin our professional arrangement, let alone our friendship.
Her bodyguard drank tea in the kitchen with Sam while I led her into my room. She sat on my bed and I stood for a minute before taking a seat beside her, not too close. She smelled like expensive soap, but she wasn’t wearing any make-up and was dressed simply, in a sweater and black jeans.
‘I had to see you before I left,’ she said. ‘I want to apologise for kissing you last night.’
Last night seemed so long ago now. ‘Oh, don’t even …’
‘Don’t do that. Don’t do that female thing where we pretend it’s nothing. I know it upset you or you wouldn’t have left.’
‘I was just … surprised …’
‘I should have asked if it was OK with you beforehand. The thing is, it kind of took me by surprise. I think I got carried away in the moment.’ She levelled her eyes, but I shied away from her, trying to ignore what she was telling me.
‘It’s hard for me to open up to people,’ she continued. She took my hand and held it, gently. ‘I’ve been burned so many times. But with you … I feel like you understand me.’
I thought about Carter, surrounded by machines, and the way he’d begged me not to go to Addie’s launch party. If I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have kissed Addie, and he wouldn’t be in hospital now, needing my help to get better. ‘You got carried away with the performance,’ I said firmly, trying to stop her from going any further. Her eyes went wide with hurt and I softened and admitted, ‘Maybe I did too.’
She was still holding my hand. Slowly, she stroked one of my fingers. ‘I … I don’t know if it was a performance. Lily … I’ve been blocking people out of my life for years. Anyone who might hold me back, anyone I got close to. Val, the band, my friends from school. But since I’ve met you, I’ve realised that’s no way to live. It might stop me from getting hurt, but it also stops me from really connecting with people.’
I flinched and withdrew my hand. I wasn’t worthy of this. I hadn’t told her about me and Carter. How could she say she felt connected to me when she didn’t even know I had a boyfriend?
The injured look returned to her eyes, and without thinking I reached out to trace the line of her chin.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I just … I like you. I really like you. But …’ I couldn’t tell her about Carter. Not now.
The skin of her jaw was so soft. I pressed my palm flat against her neck, fingers reaching behind her ear, and then I was pulling her face to mine. She blinked in surprise, a moment where she didn’t trust it, and then we closed the gap between us. Her waxy lip balm tasted of honey. My heart was rushing. When we drew away, she smiled with such relief that I wanted to tell her everything. But I also wanted to be the girl she thought I was, the honest one, the one who made her want to change – and I couldn’t be that girl if I admitted I had kept so many secrets from her.
‘I have to go,’ she whispered. ‘I want to stay, but my flight …’
‘Let’s talk when you’re back from the States,’ I said, buying myself time.
•
Phoenix started crying when I rang to apologise. ‘I’m the one who was out of line,’ they said. ‘I just miss you, that’s all. I keep hoping you’ll come home and it’s hard to accept that hanging out with celebrities is really your life now.’
As I started to tell them what had happened with Addie, my voice broke. ‘You were right,’ I said. ‘I don’t know who I am anymore.’
‘You’re still you, Liliana,’ they said. ‘Just … different. And I just need to get used to it.’ It was like we’d never argued in the first place. ‘Besides, Addie Marmoset seems to like you, so you can’t be all bad. What are you going to do, anyway? You can’t date both of them.’
‘Addie’s in America all the time. And her career always comes first.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Now I know how Ellie must’ve felt – I was always putting music first.’
‘Addie seems really great.’
‘She is, but I just don’t know if I can be Addie Marmoset’s girlfriend. Or if that’s even what she’ll want from me when I tell her about Carter.’
‘And what about the elusive Mr Tanqueray?’
‘I can’t break up with him while he’s in hospital! And when he’s not drunk, things are great. He’s gorgeous and attentive and god, Phoenix, so hot. And if we split up, I don’t think the band would survive it. The band has to stay together. The Supernova awards are coming up and if we get nominated, well, that would be amazing – but it’ll be useless if we’re not even a band anymore. But I can’t do another night like Saturday.’
They sighed. ‘Look, Lil, I get that the band matters, but you matter, too. I think it might be ultimatum time.’
•
Carter came home after a few days, looking drawn and tired and smelling slightly clinical, like he’d used disinfectant instead of soap. When he held me, my resolve began to leak out and I struggled to remember the words I’d practised with Phoenix.
‘You can’t go on like this,’ I said. ‘You scared the hell out of me on Saturday.’
‘You scared the hell out of me, Liliana,’ he said softly. ‘That video … I didn’t know what to think.’
He looked so fragile that I couldn’t tell him about Addie, about the real kiss we’d shared just a few days ago in my room. Instead, I said, ‘I didn’t know she was going to kiss me,’ which was the truth, if a bit beside the point.
‘I’m struggling, Liliana,’ he said. ‘I just … I don’t want to share you.’
‘And I want you to give up drinking.’
‘Is that what you want?’ He ran a hand over his head. ‘Man. Is that all you want? Then I’ll stop. I promise.’ He ran his hands down my back. ‘I didn’t mean to end up in hospital. It scared me too, Jimi,’ he whispered, and the nickname melted me. He kissed me softly and I kissed him back, but after he had fallen asleep I lay beside him in the dark, wondering if a promise made that easily was really a promise at all, and thinking about Addie’s lips on mine.