Amir hooked my elbow as soon as we stepped backstage and pulled us through the corridors. His teeth were gritted, his nails digging into my arm. I tried to wrench away, but his grip was strong. Saskia trotted at our heels as we hurried down the fire escape and out into a car park, where drivers smoked beside their sleek black cars and the cold air slapped my thighs.
‘What’s the point of spending three weeks in rehearsals if you’re just going to bollocks it up on the night?’ Amir grated.
My teeth were chattering so much I could barely breathe. Sam draped his jacket around my shoulders and the shivering subsided to a dull tremble.
Carter swayed slightly nearby. ‘There was a problem with the sound …’
‘I’ll say,’ cut in Sam. ‘Some kind of blockage between the amp and the guitar.’
But Amir wasn’t interested in Carter. He turned to me. ‘Lily, you totally fell apart up there. What the hell happened? Because it looked like you were crying live around the country in high-definition.’
This had been our chance, and we’d blown it. Sam was clenching his fists by his side. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for ruining the gig he’d been dreaming about for months, but I was scared that if I spoke, I would start crying again.
‘All right, all right,’ said Amir, taking a deep breath. ‘I blame myself, of course. I knew you weren’t ready for a proper gig. We’d better go back to radio appearances and impromptu candids for a while. We’ll just have to knock back the request from the Supernovas.’
Saskia let out a small chirp, but Sam and I just stared.
‘Oh, didn’t I tell you?’ Amir looked like a poker player who’d been holding the winning card in reserve. ‘Word on the industry grapevine is that “King Cutie” and “Stargirl” will both get a nomination for Best Single. You’ll be up against yourself in the same category, Lily! And they did ask the band to perform at the ceremony, but we’ll have to turn that down, given tonight’s little preview. There’s no way Jen will let you embarrass yourselves like that again.’
Carter grabbed me and whirled me around as if the previous two hours hadn’t happened, but Sam stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest.
‘When were you going to tell us?’ he said.
‘Excuse me?’ said Amir.
‘Everything is strategic to you. The whole reason you wanted Liliana to do a solo single was so you could pit her against us at the Supernova awards.’
‘Hey …’ I said. ‘What do you mean, “us”? I never stopped being part of this band.’
Sam looked at me, and his eyes were full of pain. ‘Maybe you haven’t,’ he said quietly. ‘But I have.’ And, setting his shoulders, he left the car park.
Amir was conspicuously silent. It was left to me to totter after Sam. I expected Carter and Richie to follow too, but they stayed; Richie took out a cigarette. I didn’t know how I was going to make Sam stay in the band. A Supernova would mean nothing if Sam wasn’t there to collect it with the rest of us. Saskia tailed us at a respectful pace, but we both knew she wasn’t going to try to make Sam stay. She just wasn’t meant to let me out of her sight.
‘Just come home and we can talk it out,’ I said once we were out of earshot. I skidded on the cold pavement as I tried to keep up with him.
‘There’s nothing to say.’ His breath came out in wisps of white. ‘Tonight meant a lot to me. I needed to believe we could do it, that we could still play live together – but we obviously can’t. I guess I wanted an answer and now I’ve got one.’
‘We’ll get it right next time. We’re allowed to have off days.’
‘If we were real professionals, we’d be able to pull through our off days. Back in Henley, I thought you and me could be professionals. Richie was always hungover and Carter was always chasing some piece of skirt, but you and me, Liliana, I thought we could do it.’ He took in the stupid gold dress as if seeing it for the first time – or only just realising what it meant. ‘But now the only thing we’re professional at is the autopilot interview routine. You’re the Perennial Single Girl, Carter’s the Casanova, and I’m just Muggins at the sidelines, wondering why the hell we wanted this so much.’
‘Can’t you just focus on the positive? We got two Supernova nominations.’
He shook his head. ‘No, Donadi, you got two Supernova nominations. We got one. And they won’t even let us play at the ceremony to make up for tonight.’
‘We’ll ask Amir.’ My voice was high with desperation. We stopped walking and he started scanning the New Year traffic for cabs. Saskia waited nearby, like a walker indulging her dog in a sniff but ready to yank back the leash at any point.
‘I’m done asking Amir for favours,’ said Sam. ‘Amir is not in charge of me. He’s not in charge of you, either, even though you’re acting like he is. You think I don’t know why you’re with Carter, even though you’re a million times better than that and you could’ve had a bona fide pop star instead? Someone who actually cares about you?’ My mouth dropped open at the mention of Addie, and Sam noticed, but kept going, as if he couldn’t stop. ‘You’re a serious musician with an otherworldly talent. He’s an arrogant loser who was so drunk tonight he didn’t even plug in his guitar. The only reason you’re with him is that you think he chose you over everyone else, and being with him is the one small thing you can do that Amir hasn’t approved of, so you’re doing it. But the fact is, Carter’s cold-blooded. He’s always wanted to be famous, and when he couldn’t get it himself he decided to use you.’ I flinched, and he stepped forwards to touch my shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry, Donadi,’ he said, more gently. ‘I hadn’t planned to tell you like this. Tish wouldn’t have shared that photo without his permission. I knew it as soon as I saw the picture. I think you know it too. He’s using you.’
I pulled away from him. The cars sped past us. ‘I don’t believe you,’ I said, but I remembered Carter’s quick glance to me before he assured Sam it was Tish who’d released the photos, and I shuddered. He hadn’t been reassuring me. He’d been lying.
Sam went to touch me again, but I took a step back and held up my hands to stop him.
‘Please, Donadi.’ He looked utterly broken. ‘I can’t just stand back and let him drag you down with him. You need to know what you’re getting in for with him, and the only person who’ll tell you is me. He’s been using you right from the start. He picked you for the band because you’re a songwriter, and we needed original songs to enter Battle of the Bands. He’s cheated on you ever since you first got together, and that water in his drink bottle tonight? It’s vodka. I checked.’
I stood stock still as his words hit me, each one cutting deeper than the last. Then I peeled off the jacket, thrust it at his chest and stood, shivering, in the early hours of the new year. ‘Go,’ I said.
‘Will you just listen to me?’
‘Go!’ I snarled. ‘Go back to Reading with your tail between your legs. It’s not like we need you.’
He stared at me for a second. ‘You would’ve listened to me once,’ he said softly. ‘Before all this happened. But you’re a different person now, and I guess you only listen to what you want to hear.’ He shrugged on his jacket and started walking down the street.
‘Goodbye, Liliana,’ he said, and I knew he meant it.