I ran down the stairs, leaping from the fourth step onto the ground, and out through the pulsing people on the dance floor. The bassline was so loud I could feel it in my veins. I forced my way through the forest of bodies, frozen in the seconds of strobe.
‘Hey, aren’t you …?’ shouted one guy, but I was gone before he could finish, my name lost to the bass. I didn’t look back.
‘Just add water … Just add water … Just add water and stir,’ went the song, the DJ trapping it again just as it broke free.
I wasn’t afraid of the papers anymore, or embarrassed about what they would think. I was afraid of myself. If I let loose at Carter, after all this time, if my mouth ran ahead of my brain, I could say anything to him.
I fell to the kerb as the rain started. A gaggle of party-goers was outside the club looking for transport options home: girls with their boyfriends’ coats draped over tight dresses, boys on their phones as though it was beneath their dignity to wait for a lift.
The sobs heaved through me, so hard I could barely breathe. I twisted away from the watching queue as the drizzle seeped in through my clothes. Get it together, Donadi. The ground was wet and the cold air stung my throat. I needed to pull myself to my feet and walk away, like Sam had done, down the dark street, disappearing into the night.
But I couldn’t disappear, not really. It wasn’t like I’d dissolve. And what would happen then? I had nothing else, no backup plan, no safety net. When we’d jumped, we’d jumped hard. If I turned my back on the band now, it would be the end of everything we’d built together.
Carter’s hand on my shoulder startled me. I wanted to bolt past the empty cab rank and the crowd of people holding their phones up to capture the moment, to run until my lungs felt tight in my chest, but I knew that when I stopped, he would still be beside me. I held fast.
‘Baby, we’ve got to talk this out …’ He reached for me but I winced, and his hands curled back. ‘I messed up. I’m imperfect, babe. I’m a mess. You know that.’
He looked deep into my eyes as though he really thought that would be enough. The wind whipped at my hair and I brushed it out of my eyes with shaking hands as I waited for an explanation.
‘You know ... I’m actually glad this happened.’ His smile was lopsided, like only half his face believed this tactic would work. ‘This really shows me how much I need you, how important you are to me. You’re the one who always holds me to account.’
The Underground sign at the end of the street shuddered into life and a guard opened the iron gate. It was almost morning. I turned away from Carter and started walking towards the station, but he grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. He was angry now.
‘God,’ he said. ‘Would you just talk to me?’
‘What could I possibly have to say to you?’
‘I can go to rehab. I’ll get help.’
I felt strangely calm, like the tears had washed away my anger. ‘You think this is about the drinking?’
The people who’d been waiting for a cab were starting to move towards us to hear us better, and he lowered his voice. ‘She’s nothing to me,’ he muttered. ‘That girl in there. Nothing happened.’
‘It’s not about the girl.’
‘Well, what is it then? What’s it about? Please, Liliana, I’ll do anything.’
I surveyed the crowd of people with their cameras, and for once I didn’t feel cornered.
I took a deep breath and when I spoke, I centred myself, using every tool I’d ever learned about projection. ‘You wanted this. Fame. Cash. All the groupies you could handle.’ He cringed. ‘You even pretended to love me to get it. Well, if you want it so much, you can get it yourself. I’m not going to be a part of it anymore.’
He swayed for a second, like I’d punched him. Up til now, he must have thought I’d go back inside, that I might even join him and Richie and the girl in the corset, order another round of tequilas and watch the sun come up on a new year together. ‘Liliana … that’s not what …’ I arched my eyebrows as he spluttered. ‘I do have feelings for you …’
I pulled away from him and started down the street, towards the Underground. Maybe I couldn’t disappear, but at least I could walk away.