The warehouse was dark and dusty, but it appeared to be abandoned. Esla yanked the padlocked chain, and it easily tore away from the door, allowing her to slip inside.
The floor was strewn with litter, and rats scurried to hide as soon as they noticed her presence. It wasn’t the lush comfort of The Manor, but at least it would provide shelter from the harsh sunlight.
Fortunately, the windows were so thick with dust they would block much of the sunlight, and the back wall was completely free of windows. One corner in the back was blocked off by a divider, and it would provide even more protection from the sun’s rays. She curled up on the floor behind the divider and soon fell asleep to the sound of rats nesting nearby.
When Esla awoke, the sun was still streaming through the filthy windows. The warehouse was filled with a dreary, dingy haze, and Esla huddled behind the partition, hiding from the sunlight, which had been weakening her more and more in recent weeks. She had nothing to do but sit and think.
She missed Illyan terribly, and she had desperately wanted to believe him when he told her it was both as his seer and his wife that he wanted her to return with him to The Manor. Alas, history had proven this would never be, and she found little solace in her fantasy.
Richard, on the other hand, truly seemed to want to be with her. He had stayed in town, despite her dire warning that he should leave, simply because he wanted to know her. His profound need to be near her put his very life in danger, yet he could not force himself to leave. Esla knew she should be delighted to have someone so interested in her, but she was unable to care as deeply as she knew she should. Illyan had taken everything else from her, and now her love for him was blocking her ability to give Richard a chance – and to give herself a chance at real love. As much as she wanted to be loved, and to experience the closeness and intimacy of a physical relationship, she could not bring herself to betray her husband. Despite his flaws, she loved him endlessly.
She drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around them, resting her chin on one and sighing deeply. She was lonely, bored, and a little frightened. She had no idea where her life was headed, nor what she should do. Perhaps she should just run away with Richard – try to leave behind the pain and misery. Or maybe she should go back to Illyan and do her best to be a good wife to him, despite the fact that she was nothing more than a means to an and for him. Neither choice seemed particularly inviting.
She was cold, dirty, and exhausted. Sleeping on the hard floor was uncomfortable, and she hadn’t had a bath or changed clothes in days. Her hair was matted from a night of tossing and turning, and her skin felt dusty and itchy. She was miserable.
For hours, she sat and waited. Finally, the shadows in the warehouse grew longer, and a burst of intense orange light flooded the massive empty space, signaling the end of another day. As soon as the orange faded away, Esla peeked out into the street and slipped out the door.
She had two options if she wanted to be clean. She could go back to The Manor and give into Illyan, or she could seek pity from Richard. She was certain he would be willing to allow her to bathe and wash her clothes.
She knew she could always influence a human to give her what she wanted, but she always felt guilty using her ability for nefarious purposes. It was enough guilt to use it to cause them to forget they’d been bitten, but to force them to allow her into their homes and to give her clothing or money would be morally reprehensible to her.
She wasn’t ready to face Illyan, so she chose to visit Richard. He was just leaving the house when she showed up on his doorstep. He paused in the doorway and watched her ascend the front steps to the porch.
“Hello, Richard,” she said meekly.
“Esla,” he acknowledged, nodding politely.
“I need a favor,” Esla admitted humbly. “I need somewhere to take a bath and wash my clothes.”
“Of course,” Richard said at once. “You know my home is always open to you. You can stay here as long as you like.”
“I’m not asking to stay,” she corrected him. “I only need a place to clean up.”
“So where are you staying?” Richard asked.
“It’s probably best you don’t know.”
“I wouldn’t tell anyone where you are. You know that.”
“I know. But I don’t want you coming to find me. I can’t give you what you want, Richard, and I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re hurting me every day.”
Esla hung her head in shame, and she said, “I know, and I’m sorry.”
“Please, come inside,” he told her, stepping aside. “You look exhausted.”
She nodded, and stepped inside. She took off her cloak and laid it across a chair, and she turned to face Richard, who was closing the door behind him.
“I’m only going to clean up and wash my clothes,” she said. “I’m not staying.”
“I get it,” Richard said flatly. “I have some clothes you could wear. I don’t think I have any pants that would fit you, but I have some long shirts you could wear while you wash your clothes.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that. Where is the bathroom?”
“It’s right in there,” he said, pointing to a door. Esla turned to walk away, and he grabbed her arm and spun her around to face him. Looking deep into her eyes, he pleaded, “Stay with me tonight. Just one night. I promise we’ll only talk. I just want to get to you know. Please?”
“I can’t, Richard,” she whispered. “Please don’t ask that of me.”
“What’s wrong with talking? What are you so afraid of?”
“I’m not afraid of anything!” she shouted, wrenching her arm from his grasp. “I’m just not prepared to put either of us in such a precarious position!”
“How is it precarious if you don’t feel anything for me?” he demanded.
“Stop it. Just stop it!” she snapped. “You’re reading too much into my words! Stop trying to see something that isn’t there?”
“Fine. I’m sorry,” he muttered. “But how is talking putting either of into a precarious situation?”
“Well, for one thing, I don’t want you to get your hopes up and get hurt. For another thing, my husband is the most powerful vampire in the world. One word from him and you’d be hunted anywhere you went for the rest of your very short life. Just my being here right now is potentially dangerous for you.”
“How would he even know you were here? It’s not like I live right in the middle of town.”
“If he wanted to find me, he could. You’d be surprised how resourceful my kind can be. We have our ways.”
“You know I don’t care, right? Before I met you, I had nothing to live for, anyway. I have no family, no friends. Nothing. You’ve given me something to hope for.”
“Oh, please stop saying things like that! You don’t know what you’re saying! You don’t know anything about me. The only thing you know is that I’m somewhat attractive, and I guess I’m intriguing in some way because I’m dangerous or strange. But whatever you think you feel for me – I assure you, you’re wrong.”
“How can you possibly know how I feel?” Richard demanded. “You’re in love with a man who you claim is just using you to wipe out all of humanity!”
Esla’s jaw dropped, and she shook her head. “I can’t believe you said that,” she muttered.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded,” Richard said at once.
“Oh, yes, you did. You meant it exactly the way it sounded. You’re saying I’m no judge of such things, because I’m in love with a man who doesn’t love me in return, right?”
“Well, okay, yes. That is what I meant. But…”
“Stop it, Richard,” she interrupted him. “This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come here.”
Esla snatched up her cloak, fled from the house in a flash, and Richard hardly had time even to open his mouth before she was gone. The door swung lazily in the breeze, and Richard, dazed and heartbroken, stared out into the night.
She headed back to The Manor and lurked outside, waiting until Illyan and the others left to hunt. Then she crept inside and made her way to her chamber. She surveyed the room, and it appeared untouched. Esla rummaged through her closet and found some clothing and stuffed it quickly into a suitcase. She located a few books and treasured mementos and tossed those in, as well. Then she took some clothes into the bathroom and filled the tub.
Esla undressed and sank into the hot water. She closed her eyes and listened to the sound of the water rushing into the tub, and she enjoyed the feeling of the heat soothing her cold flesh.
“Esla,” she heard a voice say.
Her eyes popped open, and Illyan stood in the doorway of the bathroom. His face was stoic, not angry.
“Illyan,” she said coldly.
“I saw the suitcase on your bed,” he told her. “Does this mean you are not intending to come home?”
“That’s exactly what it means.”
“Esla, I implore you to reconsider. Things aren’t the same around here without you.”
“You mean you aren’t able to use my visions to pursue your blood war,” she spat. “That’s all you care about.”
“That’s not true at all,” he argued. “I do miss your presence.”
“Mm-hmm. Sure you do.”
“Please listen to me, Esla. It’s true that I cannot have feelings for you the way you want me to, but do actually enjoy your company on occasion.”
Esla scoffed. “You ‘enjoy my company?’ And that’s supposed to be enough for me?”
“I don’t expect anything. I’m just telling you the truth about the situation. You can take it any way you wish.”
“Please, just leave me to take my bath in peace. I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t even want to look at you. The only reason I even came here tonight was because I thought you would be out hunting with the others.”
“I overslept.”
“I would imagine so, since you have the comfort of a nice clean bed to sleep in,” she muttered.
“I don’t know where you slept last night,” Illyan said. “But you’re welcome to sleep here anytime you wish.”
“No thanks. I don’t want the strings that go along with that offer.”
“No strings. I won’t bother you if you just want to come sleep and bathe. You have my word.”
Esla eyed him suspiciously. “You’ve never done anything selfless in your entire life, Illyan. Why would you start, now?”
“Let’s just call it a peace offering.”
“I wish I could trust you,” she said quietly, fiddling with a bar of soap.
“Just try it for one night,” he offered. “Stay here tonight. I won’t bother you. Tomorrow night, once you’ve had a good sleep in your own bed, you can decide what you’d like to do.”
The soap slipped out of Esla’s hands and dropped to the floor. It slid across the tile and skidded into Illyan’s boot. He bent down, scooped it up, and held it in his extended hand to Esla. As she took it, her hand brushed against his, and it made her heart flutter.
“I can’t,” she said.
“I’ll be out feeding. I won’t even be here to bother you.”
That wasn’t the issue that was bothering her. She longed to tell him that just being inside The Manor made her feel heartbroken and lost. Every wall, every floor, every window – they all reminded her of Illyan. Everywhere she looked was another painful reminder of him.
But she couldn’t tell him. Even if she could force herself to utter the words, she knew the contempt he would feel when she did. Her stomach twisted in knots, and she wanted to scream.
“Leave,” she told him.
“Yes, of course. But will you please consider my…”
“Leave!” she interrupted him.
Illyan sighed, but he complied. The door clicked, and she heard her own bedroom door close as he left. She sank back into the water and tried to relax. Her eyes closed, and she tried to push Illyan from her mind. It was impossible. When she closed her eyes, his face haunted her. When she opened them, everything reminded her of him.
She quickly finished her bath and washed her hair, and once she was dressed, she took her suitcase and left The Manor. It was unbearable to be there. She lugged her suitcase back to the warehouse.
“This is ridiculous,” she muttered, unzipping her suitcase. “He’s the bastard, and I’m the one living in a warehouse.”
She flipped open the top of the suitcase, and she noticed a plain envelope sitting on top of her belongings. She picked it up and ran her finger over it, and then she opened it and removed the note inside. It read:
Dear Esla,
I know you think ill of me, and I don’t blame you. I finally understand what your human emotions mean, and I don’t begrudge you them. Although I can’t feel what you want me to, I promise to try to be more mindful of your feelings. I need you, Esla. We all do. You know what this war means to our race. Your gift is the only thing that can help us win it. Please reconsider.
Illyan
“It doesn’t change anything,” she mumbled.
She started to crumple the note and toss it aside, but she could not. The refolded it, placed it gently back in its envelope, and tucked it away inside her suitcase.
“Esla?” Richard’s voice called.
“Richard?” Esla called back, standing and peeking around the partition.
Richard stood in the doorway of the warehouse, and he strained to see her in the darkness. The cool night air swept in around him, and goose bumps rose on his arms.
“Where are you?” he called to her.
Esla crossed the huge empty space between them, and the streetlights outside illuminated her as she neared the door.
“What are you doing here?” she asked him. “How did you find me?”
“I only knew of a few places you might be,” he answered truthfully. “I knew you didn’t have access to water to clean up, so that narrowed down the options considerably.”
“What do you want?”
“I came to ask you to reconsider staying at my place tonight,” he told her. “I can’t stand the thought of you sleeping on a cold, hard floor with no water, no light. Please, Esla. Won’t you consider it?”
“I can’t, Richard.”
“Why not? Haven’t I been a gentleman? Have I ever tried to force you to do anything you didn’t want to do?”
“Of course you’ve been a gentleman. But that’s not the issue.”
“Then what is?”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Richard,” she said. “I don’t trust me.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t trust myself to be around you. I know you don’t understand. I don’t even understand it, myself. But I do love my husband. I love him more than anything. And I can’t risk losing control of myself around you.”
“What has he done for you? Hmm? He’s used you. He’s hurt you. He’s treated you terribly. And yet you’re completely loyal to him. I, on the other hand, have given you nothing but kindness and respect, and you won’t give me the time of day!”
“Look. I know you think you have some kind of feelings for me. But you don’t! You might have some kind of attraction or a crush, but that’s all it is. So you have to stop this!”
“I’m not claiming to be in love with you, Esla. I just want to know you. Is that so wrong?”
“No, of course not,” she said. “It’s just…”
She froze, unable to continue, unsure what to say. She bit her lip and turned away so he wouldn’t see the blurry haze that stretched across her field of vision. She felt his hand close over her bicep.
“Just what?” he asked gently.
Her near-dead heart thumped in her chest. It was rare that she could feel it still struggling to live, still beating now and then, signaling that she was still clinging to her humanity. Now, it felt as though it might leap from her chest.
“Please,” she croaked, her voice breaking. “I can’t do this.”
Richard tightened his grip on her arm, determined not to let her slip away again, but her strength was too much for him. She simply shrugged his hand off and disappeared in a flash.
With tears streaming down her cheeks, and knowing she’d left her suitcase behind, she fled for the only place she knew to go – the burned out remains of Abe Alver’s home. She burst through the door and slammed it behind her, leaning against it and sobbing woefully.
She made her way to the back of the room, ashes and burned refuse crunching under her feet. She curled up in a ball on the floor behind the charred rubble of his bed and fell asleep.