ARVIL

 

The color had returned to Firemaker’s face by morning. The members of his band examined his arm and saw that it was healing. The strangers said nothing to us then, but later that morning, while they were eating, they gave us a little of their small supply of dried meat. This meat was hardly enough for one mouth, but they had little for themselves.

I said a prayer of thanks, knowing that men did not feed those they planned to kill, and then drew Wanderer to one side. “How soon will Shadow heal?”

“I told you before. I don’t want him to move from this shrine for another two days.”

“But I must leave.”

“I know that, but we had better have a truce with these men before you go.” Wanderer frowned. “They did not stay by the river, as you said they would. I wonder why. They carry only pouches and waterskins, but no packs, and two of the men have no spears.” I had seen this as well. It was as if they had traveled to the shrine quickly, without forethought.

We turned toward the strangers, who had said their prayers and were now reclining on the couches, awaiting the Lady’s blessing. Firemaker was soon sitting up and gazing at his arm while Shadow rested.

We went to Shadow’s side. “It hurts a little,” the boy said, although he looked ashamed to admit it. “It burns.”

“I’ll give you a potion for the pain,” Wanderer replied. “Then I’ll walk outside with you for a little… otherwise, you will grow weak.”

Shadow nodded. Firemaker was grooming his curly hair with the fingers of his good arm. “What about you?” Wanderer said to him.

“I feel well.”

“Your arm may be stiff for a while. Don’t pick at the wound.”

The other men removed their circlets. The gray-bearded Headman sat on the edge of his couch and gestured to Wanderer. “We must talk.”

The two walked to the altar and seated themselves under the statue of the Warrior. I trailed after them and sat behind Wanderer while the other men grouped themselves around their leader.

“Before we talk,” Wanderer said, “we must have a truce.”

The leader leaned forward. “What have you done—used magic on Firemaker? Will you remove your spell if no truce is granted?”

Wanderer was silent.

“Grant him the truce, Wise Soul.” Firemaker had followed us and was now sitting on the nearest couch. “I’m healing. I need his spell.”

The graybeard scratched his head. “Very well. I grant you a truce. But we must have your promise that the rest of your band will not harm us, either. I hope you have the power to grant that.”

“I do,” Wanderer said. “For how long?”

“For as long as any of us lives. We grant you the same.”

This was a surprise. Wise Soul would not need such a long truce unless he felt his band was in some danger. Their enemies would become ours if we had a truce with them.

Wanderer was agreeing, as I knew he would have to do. He and Wise Soul murmured oaths to each other and sealed the truce. Then Wise Soul asked, “Where is the rest of your band?”

Wanderer held up a hand. “Answer me this. Why are you not at the river where I was told you dwell?”

The strangers stirred. “I asked my question first.”

Wanderer waved a hand. “You see my band, Wise Soul. It is these two boys. I have no other.” Firemaker was shaking his head. “Shadow was given to me in an enclave. This boy, Arvil, joined me south of here because the rest of his band is dead.”

“Then we have been deceived,” Wise Soul muttered. “We have no truce with a band, but only with three, and two are boys.”

“The Goddess saved Arvil from the fate of his band and has blessed him. He has been called.”

“He looks young to be called.”

“The Goddess has called him. He’ll be a man when he comes out of the enclave. Would I lie in front of the Goddess, in a shrine?”

Wise Soul lowered his head and glanced at me for a moment; I thought I saw respect in his eyes.

“I am called Wanderer,” my companion continued, “because I travel from place to place without a band. I have learned much. I have learned some healing arts and can teach them to you.” He paused. “Now answer my question. Why did you leave the river? Was it to come here to worship? Or was it to set upon travelers seeking out this shrine?”

“My men have endured much. The lust for blood was in them. They couldn’t strike at our enemies, so they struck at you.” Wise Soul looked up at the image of the Warrior. “We were driven from the river. These men are all that remain of our band. Our boys are dead, our camp is gone. We barely escaped.”

“Who did this to you?”

“A band we have never seen before. A band of horsemen.”

“I have seen horsemen,” Wanderer said. “I didn’t know they had come so far north.”

“These men spoke our speech,” another man said. “I was at the edge of the camp when they attacked. I fell and struck my head on a rock. When I came to my senses, I heard a boy pleading for his life, begging for mercy in the Lady’s name. A horseman answered in our speech, saying that his band had, not long before, come upon a traveler who had also pleaded for mercy, who spoke of seeing with his own eyes two aspects of the Lady outside a shrine, who swore powerful oaths that this was true, and yet the horsemen slayed him. The horseman said this and then took the boy’s life. I knew there would be no mercy for us then and that I would have to flee.”

I pondered this strange story. How could a man see aspects of the Lady outside of a shrine? Would a man be so desperate for life that he would risk punishment in the next world by swearing falsely to such a tale? I had uttered my share of falsehoods, but never with holy oaths, and never when I believed I might not live long enough to win the Lady’s forgiveness for speaking a lie. The man must have been maddened by his fear of death.

Wanderer seemed deep in thought. He was no stranger to falsehood, yet even he did not claim too much truth for his tales; they were only stories that might have happened in another time or in a faraway place. He would not have sworn to their truth, and most men had tales that grew in the telling. A man might lose sight of the truth, when an event lay far in his past, and thus not be truly guilty of a lie.

I thought of legends I had always believed were true. They also spoke of times no living man had seen. Gould untruth have been mingled with them? I stilled my thoughts quickly; this was not something to ponder in a holy place.

Wanderer spoke. “I didn’t know horsemen had come so far north. If they speak the northern tongue, they must have dwelled in this region for a time. There are more bands of such men now in other places, and they may one day overpower those on foot. When they hunt, they don’t need to track a lone animal, or chase a straggler into a trap—they can ride after a herd and kill more than they need. They can travel farther from their home ground, and they can fight those on foot, even if the ones on foot outnumber them.”

“They do not fight,” Wise Soul said. “They slaughter. They do not fight man to man.”

“I have talked to such men and have lived among a few. I have learned something of their arts and can teach them to you. With horses, we can have the strength of ten bands.”

“But it is unholy,” one young man said.

“It is not unholy,” Wanderer replied. “The Goddess has said that we must hunt, must live as we can. She has not said that we cannot use horses to aid us. I know how to ride, as does Shadow, and how to train a horse.” He paused. “I have traveled far. I have even heard of unknown lands where men have mastered the art of tilling the soil, or of shaping hard objects from soft clay. I know that what one band despises, another band may practice.”

Wise Soul’s eyes widened; he seemed drawn by Wanderer’s talk. “You can teach us some of these things?”

“Yes, and tell you many stories of far places.”

“Could you pledge yourself to our band and become our brother?”

Wanderer nodded. “I have thought of having a bond with one band, for wandering grows wearisome. But first you must do something for me.”

“And what is that?”

“The boy Arvil has been called to the enclave north of here. He must go there, and soon. His former guardian is there now, and I believe he will also join your band, for he has no other now. I cannot travel with Arvil because I must tend Shadow, but Arvil must reach the enclave soon, for the Goddess has commanded it. I ask that your men travel with him.”

“We don’t know that region well. When we have wandered, we have moved west, and the Lady has always summoned us to the enclave south of here.”

“The boy can guide you,” Wanderer said, “and you can offer him protection.”

Wise Soul stroked his beard. “We must move along the river and find a place for a new camp.”

“Do you think you are safe here, so near the horsemen who have driven you away from the river? They will range far on horseback. I know the ways of such men. They will claim all the land along the river for their own.”

Wise Soul said, “I must talk to my band.”

We left them by the altar and went back to Shadow. “Do you think they’ll come with me?” I asked.

“They are in danger here, and your band no longer dwells on your home ground. They could claim its territory before another band does.”

“But you and Shadow must stay here until he can travel.”

“That cannot be helped. If I pledge myself to them, we can follow when Shadow is better.”

I gazed at our new band, for such they would be. “Is that the kind of band you wanted to join?”

Wanderer shrugged. “They are men, no better or worse than others. Maybe I can teach them to be better than they are. Wise Soul has the look of a thoughtful man, and the others are young, and that means some of them may be called by the Goddess and given boys. I did not choose these men, but perhaps the bargain will be a good one.”

 

 

Wise Soul spoke to his men for a long time before he beckoned to us. We went back to the altar, and Wanderer was soon pledging himself to this band. His pledge would bind his charge, Shadow, as well.

“Wanderer has been like a guardian to me,” I said when he had finished, “but I’ll be a man when I leave the enclave, and I can become your brother then. I am not a man yet, so you do not have to heed my words, but Wanderer thinks you should take your band to the land where mine once lived. I don’t think another will have claimed it yet.”

Wise Soul nodded. “It may be best to move on. The horsemen have cursed this land for us. You should lead us to your old camp.”

I looked back at Shadow. He was my friend now, and I did not like the thought of leaving him and Wanderer here alone. “I can tell you how to reach the camp,” I said, “but I cannot lead you there myself. I must get to the enclave soon. I must go north, while you will have to go northeast to reach our camp. I must think of Wanderer and Shadow as well, for they are my friends. You should all leave this place, yet Shadow cannot walk far. You could make a conveyance of wood and hide, and carry Shadow upon it. You will have to travel slowly then, while I must move as swiftly as I can, but you’ll still be safer than if you remain here.”

Wanderer did not speak, but his hand rested on mine for a moment.

“Wanderer won’t leave without Shadow,” I went on, “and you may have need of his arts.”

“You speak wisely, boy,” Wise Soul said, “but can you travel alone through the land to the north?”

“I shall try.”

“If you are to have a bond with us, we should aid you. I should send companions with you while the rest of us travel to your camp.” I guessed at what else he was thinking. He wanted me to have a chance to reach the enclave safely and to bring Tal out to join his band, but he also wanted most of his men to survive. If I met danger along the way, the rest of his band, traveling east, might escape it.

Wise Soul then agreed to send two of his men with me, a skinny man named Hare and a burly one called Ulred. I told them how to reach my camp, describing the landmarks and the distance to each, then led the men outside, where I drew pictures in the dirt until I was sure they could find the way. When I left the enclave with Tal, I said, I would go to Mary’s shrine, the place where my guardian had been called. It had come to me that Tal had always distrusted strangers, and that he should speak to them first in a holy place.

Wise Soul assured me that at least one member of his band would go to the shrine from time to time for two moons before I was given up for dead. I did not think of what might happen if my new band failed to reach the camp.

 

 

Just beyond the clearing around the shrine, Ulred and another of Wise Soul’s men were able to bring down a small deer. After thanking the Lady for providing us with meat, we butchered the deer, and I quickly cooked the pieces my companions and I would take on our journey, searing the meat in the flames of a fire, for there was no time to do more. The others would carry what meat they could and leave what they could not, for they wanted to leave soon, and there was still the conveyance for Shadow to make.

I bid farewell to Wanderer outside the shrine and prayed that he and the others would be safe. I feared for them, for they would have to travel with an injured boy and a wounded man. I was filled with foreboding, in spite of my luck so far, and beginning to think that my fortune would change again.

 

 

My companion Ulred, who had a bristly black beard and heavy eyebrows, turned out to be a friendly fellow, while Hare, whose thin face bore only a downy mustache, spoke little. Hare, I discovered, was close to my age and had not yet been called.

We loped through the forest, speaking only when we stopped to rest. “I lost a boy in that damned raid,” Ulred told me. Though the wind was warmer, Earth was hiding from the sun behind Her thick gray veil, as if not wishing to reveal Her thin layer of dirty, encrusted snow. “A little fellow, he was—just out of an enclave last spring.”

“You have been called, then,” I said.

“I have, once, but the Lady did not give me a child then. The boy’s guardian, before he joined the Lady in the next life, gave him to me as my charge, for he was my true friend and knew I would care for the boy as he had. I had been looking after little Sunchild since autumn.” Ulred wiped his eyes with the edge of his coat. “A wretched horseman dashed his brains out with a strange weapon, a long piece of shiny metal shaped like the shaft of a spear. At least the lad died quickly.” He sighed. “Sunchild was a good boy, golden-haired like you, always smiling, always with a song… it was a joy to have him in the band. I tell myself now that perhaps the Lady loved him too much to let him suffer in this world.”

If the Lady had truly loved him, I thought, She would never have sent him out in the first place but would have kept him at Her side. My mind was leading me astray once more. It was man’s nature to sin and to be a prisoner of this world for a time.

Ulred sighed again, and I uttered a few words of comfort. Tal had often said that it was useless to love a boy until he had grown tall and his guardian knew that he would live to manhood. Observing Ulred’s sorrow, I saw the truth of those words.

We left the woods, and I guided them north. Once we came upon horse tracks, and I grew fearful before seeing that they led west, away from us. At night, we sheltered ourselves in a windbreak of sticks and Hare’s hides, and I fell asleep to the moans and sighs of the men as they sought to reproduce the blessings of the Lady with their own hands. Hare offered to aid me in such pleasures, but I refused, knowing that he could not give me the joy I had known in the shrine.

As we traveled, Ulred often spoke of those in his band who had died at the hands of the horsemen, while Hare nodded sorrowfully, interrupting his friend from time to time to murmur, “The Lady’s will be done.” I said little, sensing that Ulred gained some comfort from his memories, which were all he had left of his friends, and which also served to remind him that he still lived. I too had felt the odd, triumphant joy that follows sorrow, that comes from knowing one lives while others lie in the ground.

We came to wooded lands again, although the trees were not thick and there were spaces of empty land to cross. We met no other bands and saw few signs of their presence. Within four days, we were near the shrine where I was planning to pray and purify myself before approaching the enclave. I was not thinking of the scavengers I would have to evade on my way to the Lady, for dangerous as they were, I could not believe that She would let me fail. Once again, my spirits were high. I had a new band, I would see my guardian again, the Lady would visit me.

I did not know how soon my faith was to be tested.

 

 

My destination, a shrine to the Wise One, was near the shore of a small lake where I had often hunted geese and ducks. The birds had flown south, but the ice in the lake had melted, and they would return before long. Forays to the lake in warmer weather were risky, for other bands sometimes hunted birds there and fished as well, and although we had been able to make truces with some for a season, others would try to kill or drive off weaker bands. We had once been forced to take shelter in the shrine, chased there by two bands, and had escaped only when the two bands began to fight each other.

During winter, this part of the lake was usually abandoned by men as well as by birds. We crept through the wooded land bordering the shrine cautiously, but I expected to see no one by the lake. I was thinking of the times I had waited there with Tal, and also with Geab, Cor, Eagle Eyes, Hawk, and Arrow—all dead now.

Ulred grabbed my arm suddenly. “Look.”

I had already seen where he was pointing. We had a closer look as we emerged from the trees. A body lay on its side near a leafless shrub, its back to us. The feet were covered with a kind of boot I had seen only on boys newly out of enclaves, dark leather boots with heavy soles. The garments were more cause for wonderment, for the pants were of a green cloth, as was the hooded coat.

“A dead man,” Ulred whispered.

Hare looked around uneasily, in case the attackers were still nearby. “Why didn’t they strip the body?”

“Maybe he is only hurt,” Ulred said.

“Look at those boots and the clothes,” Hare muttered. “I have seen such garb only on small boys. Do men wear such things here, Arvil?”

“No.” I approached the body. There was no sign of life. Footprints marked the ground around the body, and the ground had hardened a bit. I saw what had happened. Three men had set upon this lone traveler, and the struggle had been brief. But the attackers had fled without taking the clothes, and that puzzled me; I would not have let such garments out of my hands.

I leaned over and lifted one gloved hand. The wrist was small, the skin cold, the arm stiff, and I felt no pulse.

Ulred and Hare came up to me as I heaved the body onto its back. It had been lying on top of a metal receptacle. I picked that object up, shook it, and heard the sound of liquid. I dropped it and studied the body. The throat was bloody where a knife had slashed it, and the blood had dried.

“We can take the garments,” Ulred said. “That coat is too small for you or for me, but Hare might find a use for it.”

The victim’s beardless face stared up at me with unseeing blue eyes. The curly dark hair was matted with blood. That face frightened me, for there was something strange about it. The shirt, also stained with blood, had been pierced by a knife. I ripped it open and saw round breasts and a body no man could have.

My thoughts tumbled inside me. I remembered the story of the man who had sworn aspects of the Lady had appeared to him.

Hare let out a shriek. Ulred caught me as I staggered, for terror had made me faint. “Unholiness!” Ulred said, and we both shook so violently that we collapsed to the ground.

Hare sprinted toward the shrine. He tripped, fell, and rolled in the dirt, as if possessed. We stumbled up and ran to him, then dragged him to his feet.

Ulred slapped him. “The Lady!” Hare cried. “The Lady!” Ulred slapped him again.

“Stop gibbering!” I shouted, though I was as frightened as Hare. “We didn’t harm Her. That was another’s doing.”

Hare began to grow calmer. “What world is this,” Ulred said, “where one of the Lady’s aspects lies dead so close to a shrine? How is this possible?” I now knew why those who had killed Her had left the body, and wondered how they had been judged, for I was sure they had been punished. They might even have taken their own lives.

“Listen,” I said, trying to control my own fear, “we cannot leave Her there. We must take Her inside the shrine and pray. The Lady is powerful. The Lady may restore this part of Herself and bless us for bringing Her there.”

“The Lady,” Hare responded, “may think us guilty and condemn us.”

I shook my head. “The Lady knows everything. She will know we aren’t guilty.” I wished that Wanderer were with us; he had traveled so far, and knew so many strange tales that I was sure he would know what to do.

We went back to the body and lifted it, holding it as gently as possible as we carried it toward the shrine. I almost expected Her to come to life in our arms. Bowed forward under the weight, I saw another set of tracks leading to the door. Someone in the same kind of boot had fled into the shrine. I shuddered and nearly dropped my share of our burden.

Hare moaned. “Oh, Lady, have mercy.” The door slid open and we stumbled inside, then set the body on the floor.

Someone else was in the shrine, lying on a couch. This stranger wore boots and pants of gray cloth; a gray coat lay on the floor. The stranger moved and sat up. I had only to see the face, the long, flowing, dark brown hair, the shape of breasts under the gray shirt, and the rounded hips, and I knew.

Ulred and Hare threw themselves on the floor and groveled; I stood gaping until Ulred pulled at my leg. “Bow, you fool,” he whispered. I knelt and hit my forehead against the floor several times.

She walked toward us. I was afraid to look up and heard the sound of weeping, as though She were crying for all the sins of men. At last I lifted my head.

She was near the body; She gave a cry and turned away. “What have you done?” She spoke in the holy speech. “Why did you bring her here? You didn’t have to kill her.” She was not using the words a man would use to speak of an aspect, but only those we would use to talk of Earth’s female creatures. “She’s dead. I might as well be dead, too. Why don’t you kill me and be done with it?”

I gasped as I straightened and sat back on my heels. “We cannot commit such a deed,” I said in the holy tongue. “We did not kill Her. We were passing and saw Her outside. She was already dead… that crime was the deed of other men. Have mercy.”

Her mouth twitched. “Yes, I see that now.” Her voice was faint. “You don’t look like the ones who…” She covered Her eyes.

“We could not leave Her out there,” I said, “and brought Her here, so that the Lady can restore this aspect of Herself to life.”

She let Her hands drop. She seemed tired and weak. It was odd to see an aspect of the Lady that way, for in my imaginings and in the visions the Lady had granted to me, She had always been strong. Her blue eyes were large and Her lashes thick and long, but there were shadows under Her eyes and hollows in Her cheeks. She swayed. I leaped to my feet and caught Her as She fell.

“Forgive me for putting hands upon You,” I murmured.

“Help me to the couch.”

I led Her there, struck by how frail She seemed, how small She was—Her head reached no higher than my shoulder. I could see no sign of Her magic, of Her power. As She reclined, Hare and Ulred crept up to the couch and settled themselves on the floor. I knelt at Her side and covered Her with the gray coat.

She sobbed, choking as She wept, while we waited, unable to offer comfort and afraid to speak. I felt that I was in another place, outside the familiar world I knew.

She sat up and pulled a receptacle from the coat, then dropped it. “I need more water,” She said, “and some food.”

“You may have ours,” Ulred said as he pulled out his waterskin. Hare offered Her our remaining cold meat. She drank some water and gnawed at a small piece of meat, making a face as She did so, then rested on Her elbow as She gazed at us. Her blue eyes were cold.

“Please tell us what to do,” I said. “Tell us if we can help You restore Your fellow aspect.”

“She’s dead. She can’t be restored.” She was silent for a while. “Her soul is somewhere else now… that body is only where it lived for a time. She has shed that body to return to the Lady’s realm. She should be buried.”

I wondered then why the aspect seemed so unhappy. If Her fellow aspect were with the Lady again, if a body, to the Lady, were no more than a garment to be cast aside, why did this aspect not show joy? Men could not see beyond death, could only hope that the next world would bring them blessings and not punishment. Death could hold no sorrow for the Lady, Who was eternal. Perhaps it was the sins of men that caused Her to weep, the evil of those who had raised their hands against an aspect.

“Her body will lie outside this shrine, Holy One,” I said.

“Bury her, then.”

We hastened outside to do Her bidding. We dug on our knees with flat rocks until the hole was large enough. The sun was setting by then. We carried the body to the grave and laid it in the ground.

She came to the grave as we began to fill it in, and watched us at our work. When we were done, we set stones around the grave, and Ulred rolled a large rock onto it.

“Farewell,” She said softly as tears trickled down Her face.

 

 

When we went back inside the shrine, we lingered near Her as She sat down on Her couch. Her face was filled with grief, and I cursed my kind silently for our wickedness.

I had no ritual to guide me; the old one would have to do. “We must pray,” I said at last, “and then put on the circlets.”

Her eyes widened. I thought I saw fear on Her face. But what would an aspect have to fear from us? “Listen to Me.” Her voice was low, but commanding. “Pray if you wish, but don’t put on the circlets. I am with you now, so you need not put them on.”

“No circlets?” Ulred said. He had clearly been hoping that the Lady would give him Her joyous blessing.

She shot an angry glance at Ulred, and he cowered a little. “No circlets,” She replied. “The Lady sorrows now. There will be only a curse for you if you put them on.”

I nodded, not wondering at Her remark, thinking only of obedience.

We went to the altar, where the Wise One stood in a long white robe amid Her beakers and tubes. I fought to keep my mind on my prayers, although it seemed strange to be kneeling before a representation of the Lady when a living aspect was with us.

I tried to sort out my thoughts, certain that Hare and Ulred were doing the same. The aspect was holy, more powerful than we, yet She was weak and had needed our food and water. She was fair, but Her face did not have the blinding beauty of the aspects Who had blessed me before. Her form was the Lady’s, but if it had not been for Her belt, which made the swell of Her hips and breasts more evident, I might have taken Her body for a boy’s. I had touched Her body briefly, and had seen the lifeless one of another aspect, and was sure that both were only flesh and bone and blood. It had to be a test of some kind. The Lady had come among us to see how we would act. If we aided Her, we would be blessed.

I said more prayers and asked the Lady to guide me safely to Her enclave. As I stood up and turned toward the couches, I noticed that the aspect was watching me. “You have blessed me, Lady,” I said. “May You protect me as I journey to Your enclave.”

She started. “What do you mean?”

I was surprised at Her question; surely She knew. But perhaps not. She had needed food; she still seemed weak. She had not prevented the death of Her fellow aspect. She walked among us in a frail body and might have forgotten what She once had known. Long ago, Tal had heard an old story about the Lady appearing in flesh in order to die and be reborn, taking upon Herself the sins of men, and although Tal had considered the story blasphemous, I saw now that it might have been true. “I have been called,” I said.

“Called!” She raised Her hand to Her mouth. “But you seem young.”

“I have been called. It is no stranger than finding You among men, Lady. I came here to purify myself, but I do not have much time to do so. The Lady wants me with Her soon.” I bowed my head, remembering to show respect. “I thought… forgive me for thinking so highly of myself… that You might have come to guide me to Her enclave.”

“No, I did not come to guide you.”

“You must advise me. Now that You are here, does that mean I do not have to go?”

She stood up and came to the altar, then turned to look at us. Hare flinched as She glanced at him. “Holy One, we are Your servants,” Ulred said. “We shall do what You ask.”

“Listen carefully, then. I have come among you for a purpose, to see if you follow the right way. You must protect Me from others and feed Me and, in return, you will have the favor of the Lady and a place in Her heart. If ill befalls Me, you will be cursed. There is no need for you to don the Lady’s crown in shrines while I am with you. If you do not honor Me, the Lady will take Me from you, and you will die condemned.” Anger flashed in Her eyes. “In return, there are things I can tell you, stories of the Lady’s magic.”

Ulred and Hare were on their knees again as they nodded their heads vigorously. I knew that I should kneel, but instead, I repeated my question. “Does this mean I do not have to go to the enclave?” She did not reply. “I have been called, my guardian is there, and the Lady has promised that we will be together again, but only if I reach the enclave soon.”

She stared at me a long time before answering. “No, you must go. If you do not, the Lady may discover that you’ve disobeyed, and then…” She paused. “You will have to go, but I give you a warning. Do not speak of Me, or think of Me. Your mind will be filled with Her blessings, so you will not have time to think of Me, and I can teach you how to keep thoughts of Me from your mind.”

“But why must I. . .”

“Do you dare to question the Holy One?” Hare burst out.

“The Lady is testing your will,” She said. “She wants to see if you will obey My commands. If you do, holiness will be yours, and you will be blessed above other men. If you do not, you will die in this world and be denied the next.”

I knelt and swore to obey.

She turned away. “I must sleep.” She lay down on the nearest couch and closed Her eyes. I went to Her side and stood there, worshipping, until She opened Her eyes again.

“I beg Your pardon, Holy One,” I said. “Is there a name by which this aspect is known?”

Her eyes seemed fogged with sleepiness. “What?”

“The aspects in Your shrines have names by which They are called. Is there a name for You?”

She curled up on the couch. “Birana,” She whispered. She lowered Her lids. Tears rolled out from under Her dark lashes.

 

 

I slept only a little while and awoke early to begin my purification. I longed for more time to clear my mind and prepare myself, then recalled the events of the day before. The aspect called Birana was with me; Her presence would aid my purification.

The others were still sleeping. I went to the altar, knelt, recited every prayer I knew, then stood up. Slowly, I removed my clothing, until I was naked, and began to dance in front of the Wise One. I opened my arms and swayed, then bounced on my feet, whirling as I began to hum. The Lady, I thought, will bless me. She will make me sing, She will come to me with Her blessing. I danced and leaped, and my soul flew out from me, crying out to Her. I was strong, I was pure.

A longing for the Lady took possession of me. I was aflame and filled with holiness. I danced and swooped and then found myself over the still body of Birana. Suddenly, I was sure of Her purpose. She had come to the shrine to grant me Her favor, to purify me further for my journey to the enclave. I thought of the aspects in shrines Who had captured my soul with Their magic, how They had held me, how They had guided my hands to the cleft they had instead of a man’s parts.

I fell on the couch and embraced Her; I pulled at Her shirt and felt Her warm flesh.

She moved under me, screamed, and pushed me away. I fell on the floor, cowering as She struck me with Her fist. “What are you doing?”

I was terrified, certain that I had failed a test of some kind. “I am purifying myself,” I cried as I covered my member and pressed my forehead to the floor. “I longed for Your blessing, that is all. Forgive me. I meant no offense.”

“You fool,” I heard Ulred say in our speech.

“I longed only for…”

“I know,” he said. “It is hard not to feel it. But we must do Her bidding. We cannot take Her blessing, She must give it.”

I looked up, Ulred was standing near Birana’s couch, bowing his head. “Forgive him,” he said in the holy tongue. “His purification made him long for a visitation. His mind was filled with holiness, and Your spell was upon him. It will not happen again.”

“It had better not.” Her face was pale. “He will be punished if it does.”

I danced before the Wise One some more, but my fear of losing control again made me unable to purge my mind. I was afraid of the enclave now, afraid that the Lady would be disappointed in me when I finally reached Her realm.

Birana covered Her eyes. She seemed to hate the sight of my body. I stopped dancing and put on my clothes awkwardly.

She said, “Remember what I have told you.”

I bowed.

“I must instruct you now in how to meet the Lady. Your companions will find us food.” She gestured at Ulred and Hare as they scrambled to their feet. “You’d best be careful outside,” She said to the two men.

“We have You to protect us,” Hare replied.

“All the same, the Lady doesn’t protect those who are careless.”

They hastened from the shrine. I followed Birana to the altar, and we sat on the floor, facing each other. I was uneasy with Her so close to me in Her earthly body. I kept expecting Her to vanish, to fade from sight as other aspects did after They had given Their blessing. She drew back from me, as if wanting to disappear.

“I’ll teach you how to keep your mind still,” She said. “You must do this when you enter the enclave and don a circlet there. When you wear one, the Lady hears only what is on the surface of your mind.”

“But She knows all.”

“That is why She does not have to hear your deeper thoughts then. Remember, you’re being tested—that’s why you must keep all thoughts of Me from your mind when you are before Her. You will break a powerful spell if you say My name to Her, and you’ll suffer for it, and I will be taken from you.”

“I understand.” It seemed a strange test. If I would break a spell by saying Her name, then why had She given the name to me? But I could not question Her will.

“What are you called?”

“Arvil.” I wondered why She did not know that. “My friends are Ulred and Hare—Ulred is the bearded one. But do You not know all the names of men?”

“I wanted only to hear your name from your lips,” She said hastily. “Well, Arvil. We must begin now.” The sound of my name from Her lips made me shiver.

She lifted a golden chain from Her neck over Her head and held it in front of my eyes. From this chain hung a strange object with markings and what looked like a metal needle. She instructed me to watch this object as She spoke. We sat together for a long time while She taught me how to keep my mind still, how to keep all thoughts of Her from me with one holy word, and as She spoke, Her voice seemed to fill my soul.

 

 

Ulred brought back a rabbit, while Hare had caught three fish. We cooked our food over a fire outside the shrine. After Birana had taken Her share, I ate as much as I could, knowing that I would need strength. When we had eaten, we filled Birana’s bottle and our waterskins at the lake.

We walked for most of the morning. When Birana began to fall behind, Ulred waited for Her and then gently took Her arm. She pulled away and flailed at him, then relented and allowed him to support her.

She was slowing our pace. When Ulred guided Her, he had to walk more slowly. She hobbled, as if Her boots were blistering Her feet. She did not speak, but I could see the weariness in Her face. The Lady’s spirit, held by this body to our world, seemed to be weakening.

At last we stopped for a time to rest. “I can go on alone,” I said to Hare and Ulred in my speech.

“You don’t want us to come farther with you?” Hare asked.

I shook my head. “I can travel faster alone, and I have little time. We’ll soon be near scavenger territory. It would be safer for you to go to where you are to meet the rest of our band. It would be safer for Her, since we promised Her our protection.”

Birana did not seem to understand our speech, although I had thought that the Lady knew all languages. That was yet another of Her limitations in Her present form. Again, I wondered. An aspect of the all-powerful Goddess had to be honored, yet also treated as one who had our flaws.

“Wish me well, and I shall pray for your safe journey,” I said. Hare and Ulred bowed their heads and murmured some holy phrases. “I ask that You bless me,” I said to Birana in the holy speech. “I must leave You now and travel to the enclave, but Ulred and Hare will lead You to safety and to the rest of our band. They will all protect You, as we have.”

“I bless you.” She glowered at me. “Those creatures around the wall might kill you, though.” I recoiled, as if She had cursed me. At that moment, it almost seemed as if She wanted me to die before I entered the wall. I looked down at Her upturned face, searching for some sign of mercy.

She lowered her eyes and sighed. “May you return safely.” She said the words as if She did not mean them, and then Her face softened a bit. “Those men usually rummage near the western side, where. . .” She paused for a moment. “If you approach from the south, you may not see anyone. If you do, and they’re near the entrance, wait until they leave before you enter. They’ll grow tired of waiting.”

“I shall remember Your words,” I said gratefully. I gave directions to Hare and Ulred, drew pictures on the ground to show them their route, then watched them depart.

I went on my way, my mind filled with both anticipation and fear; they seemed almost the same feeling. I saw dimly, although I could not admit it openly to myself, that my faith had been altered. Somehow, the presence of the Lady in Birana’s body had changed me, and I was moving toward the enclave with unholiness within me.

I could not put my thoughts into words. I could not admit that my reverence for the Lady had been poisoned by doubt, and—worst of all—by a buried rage at the life I had always accepted.

I was thinking: We are the Lady’s fools. She has made us mindless creatures, no better than the animals we hunt. She toys with us, then casts us aside. My thoughts were not words then, but only a weight on my heart.