ARVIL

 

I had longed to enter the enclave, and yet there I knew little true happiness. My desire for the aspects Who appeared before me made me powerless to resist Them, yet a part of me could not be soothed by Their pleasures. The mission that had been given to me was not an honor but a frightening task, for I feared Birana almost as much as I feared the Lady.

As I departed from the Lady’s misty realm, my soul returned to me. I opened my eyes. I was in the room I had first entered, lying on a couch near the door that led outside. I took off my circlet and sat up.

Tal lay on the couch next to me. Next to him was a fair-haired child. We had been given a boy and our new band would be pleased at that, but I could summon little joy. I was remembering the disturbing vision of Tal covered with metal threads, of shiny claws pressing my body down, and wondered if I had dreamed it all.

Our weapons lay on the floor, along with our sacks and pouches. I picked up one pouch and peered inside, then plucked out one of the orange balls it contained. I bit into it and tasted a tart, fruity sweetness; the Lady had given us food for our journey.

Tal stirred. I swung my feet over the couch and leaned toward him. “Tal.”

He opened his eyes, removed his circlet, and sat up. “Arvil! She told me you would be with me.” He held me by the shoulders. “We are blessed. I had to give you up, and now you’re restored to me, safe from those unholy horsemen. The Lady has rewarded me for keeping to Her way. She told me that you had been given a task—to strike down an evil one.” He lowered his voice. “You must tell me more of that, but not inside this holy place.”

I shivered as I thought of the Lady’s demand. Before I could speak, Tal caught sight of the boy. He went to the lad and took the circlet off his head. The child threw up an arm, then shook his head as he sat up. His blue eyes stared blankly at us.

“I am your guardian,” Tal said. The boy shook his head. Tal pointed to his chest. “Tal.”

I said, “He doesn’t understand.”

“He will learn. You knew only words in the holy speech when you were given to me.” Tal turned back to the boy. “I am your guardian,” he said in the holy tongue and then repeated the words in our speech.

“Guardian,” the boy said.

“Arvil.” I pointed to myself.

“Arvil.”

Tal swatted him gently on the arm. The boy whimpered a little. I handed Tal his belongings and he held each item up, giving its name both in the holy speech and our own. I plucked at my garments, noting that they were clean and that I no longer itched.

“He needs a name,” Tal said, gesturing at the boy, who blinked as if holding back tears.

“Call him Bint,” I said quickly.

Tal frowned. “Whose name was that?”

“He was with the horsemen our band joined. He was a good man and would have cared for me if the Lady had not struck down his band.”

“Struck down?”

I told him what had happened on the plateau, and the terror I had felt then returned to me. The Lady had shown Her power to me then and would strike at me if I failed Her now. Tal’s eyes narrowed as I spoke. “You see,” I finished, “you were right to say we should not join them. But Bint was kind to me and saved my life and tried to serve the Lady.”

“If he had been a good man, She would not have punished him. You say that all died, and only you were spared—She would have spared him if he had been worthy.”

“He was a good man, I tell you. I came to know him while we traveled, he prayed with me before we slept.”

Tal’s lip curled. “And perhaps he took his pleasure with you as well, and that is why you want him honored.”

I shook my head. “He treated me as his charge.”

“I can’t name this boy after such a man. The name would leave a curse. He shall have Hasin’s name, for Hasin was one who avoided wickedness.”

I shrugged, trying not to think of Bint. Tal was quiet for a time before speaking again. “It is a blessing to be given a young one, Arvil, but without a band to help us, he may not live long. Our own days may be few.”

“I have much to tell you, Tal. I have found new friends, a band willing to let us join them. I could not have made my way here without their help. Let me…”

“What band? What sort of band welcomes strangers into it so quickly, or helps a lone boy? Is this another like the horsemen’s band?”

“They are from the river to the southwest where we have hunted. They are good men, Tal, and we need a new band.”

He slapped me. I jumped up and strode to the other side of the room. “I am your guardian,” he shouted. “I’ll decide what sort of men they are. Better for us to find a band near our lands that shares some of our ways, instead of strangers we do not know.”

“The bands near us would be more likely to kill us if they believed we were alone with no band to avenge us.”

“I can deal with them. I am your guardian, and you’ll listen to me!”

“I don’t need a guardian now,” I shouted back. “I have been called. I am a man now. I’ll have as much to say in meetings of the band as you and will join them even if you don’t.”

“Do not speak that way to me.”

“You may do as you like,” I answered. “You can come with me to Mary’s shrine, where these men are to meet us, or you can wander alone—that is your choice.” I pointed at Hasin. “The Lady has entrusted him to you, and he’ll be safer with a band.”

The boy began to cry. Tal shook him, then slapped his face. “No crying!” He released the boy. “Do not cry,” he said in the holy speech. “If you cry, I shall beat you.”

The joy I had felt at being with Tal again was fading. I had believed him to be strong, and now I began to see him as obstinate. All that had befallen me had changed me, and I was seeing Tal with new eyes. “We should not be fighting about this,” I said at last. “We’re in a holy place and have not even thanked the Lady.”

I knelt in prayer, but my mind was not on holy words; I was struggling against my anger with Tal. I had risked much to find him again, and now he scorned the tidings I had brought him. I tried to summon up a prayer, but the words seemed empty and useless.

I do not know You, Lady. At last I had come to that. My visitations, the pains and pleasures the Lady had given me, were not what they seemed. I had sensed that, somehow, when I had glimpsed myself on a couch and saw my body covered with metal threads. I thought of the hands and mouths of aspects upon me. I had touched Their bodies and known the smooth wetness of Their women’s parts, and yet in my memory They seemed spirits and not creatures of flesh. I do not know if I believe, I do not know if You are real or an illusion. I said this to myself silently as I knelt inside the wall, and yet the Lady did not strike at me.

I stood up. Tal had forced Hasin to his knees and was instructing him in prayer.

“You must leave Me now,” a voice said. Tal scrambled to his feet and pulled the boy by his hand toward the door. “My blessings are with you. Farewell.”

The door slid open and we sprinted into the night.

 

 

We did not stop running until we were hidden among the trees. I carried Tal’s pack, along with my own and my weapons, while Tal carried the boy. Hasin’s cries grew louder until he was wailing.

Tal dropped him, then struck him on the side of the head. “Be quiet!”

The wails became whimpers. I leaned over the lad. “Be quiet, Hasin,” I whispered in the holy speech. “Others will find us and kill us if they hear you.”

That silenced him. He climbed onto Tal’s back without a sound.

We spent the night in a tree, where Tal and I took turns on watch. In the morning, we traveled swiftly through scavenger territory and nibbled at food from our pouches as we walked. Tal murmured prayers of thanks to the Lady for Her food as we ate, for She had given us small fruits, flat cakes that crumbed as we bit into them, and salty brown squares that tasted of meat and mushrooms. I seemed to remember tasting this food before but had no time to savor it. My mind was on the scavengers who might kill us for our food.

When we were safely away from scavenger land, we set Hasin down and turned east toward Mary’s shrine. Tal had said little during our journey, for we had to be alert to the sounds and signs of danger, but I sensed that he was also pondering what I had told him inside the wall.

We camped that night under a rocky ledge that bordered a creek. “Now we shall talk,” Tal said as we ate more of the Lady’s food. “Tell me about these men I am to meet at the shrine.”

This eased me, for Tal was now agreeing to meet them. I told him of everything that had passed after I fled from the plateau. He scowled when I told him of Birana, but did not interrupt me.

Hasin was already asleep when I finished, curled up inside his coat. Tal was silent for a while, then said, “You have kept company with two who willingly wander without a band and who tell foolish tales to strangers. Now you want to join others, who have been guided to our old camp by your words and given what is ours. And you have consorted with an evil one who claims to be of the Lady and allowed her to cast a spell over you inside a holy shrine. You have done badly, Arvil.”

“I have done well enough. I would like to know if you could have done better.”

“I would not have treated with one who chose to wander alone.”

“Then you would have died. You would have been such a man yourself if I hadn’t found friends.”

“I would not have been blinded by an evil spirit.”

“She wears the form of the Lady. You would have bowed before her yourself and longed for her blessing. But the Lady has ordered me to destroy her, and I shall do so.” In spite of my doubts, I was holding to that purpose. The Lady was more powerful than I and found ways to punish those who disobeyed, and the memory of my own suffering at Her hands was fresh. I felt the power of Her command as I remembered. Had Birana been before me at that moment, I would have taken her life then.

“I’ll see that you obey,” Tal said.

I rested my back against the rock. “But you mustn’t speak of Birana and what I have told you when you meet the band. They believe she is an aspect, and I don’t want her to use her powers to turn them against us. She may have cast a spell on them.” It had come to me that the others might try to protect her from me. Wise Soul’s men did not yet know me well and might not take my word against hers.

“At last you’re using your sense,” Tal said grudgingly. “But if she is so powerful, then how do you plan to destroy her?”

“I’ll find a way. The Lady would not have given me such a task if it couldn’t be done. She would have used Her own magic against Birana instead. I saw the magic She can summon on the plateau.” Even as I spoke, I remembered that Birana had cast her spell on me in a shrine, and that the Lady had not prevented it. Birana had some power, then. I pushed such thoughts aside, since they would lead me only to more doubts.

“We must be cautious, Tal,” I continued. “I must try to keep the rest of the band from harm.”

“You show great concern toward men you hardly know.”

“It is Wanderer and Shadow I think of most, but I have also pledged a truce to the others.”

He grunted. “Tell me more of this band. Who will be its Headman?”

“I think Wise Soul will remain so. The others are all younger men. Wanderer might be next if he wins their trust.”

“Who would be next?”

“I do not know. If you join, you might be next, but I cannot say. I don’t know their customs.” I glanced toward him, unable to see his face in the dark. “Is that what you want? A promise you will be Headman someday? You’ll have to earn their trust first.”

“If those cursed horsemen had not come, I would have been Headman after Geab.”

I let out a breath. “That’s why you were so angry then. That’s why you wouldn’t join the horsemen, and why you left me with them even while saying they were evil. It wasn’t because they were unholy, but because you were not to be our Headman.”

He slapped me. Hasin awoke and gave a cry as I jumped to my feet. “Don’t ever do that again, Tal.” I spoke softly. “I am a man now, and the time when I’ll be able to fight you is not far away.”

He said no more that night.

 

 

It took us four days to reach the shrine, for Hasin slowed our pace. We soon finished the Lady’s food, and I sighed as I ate the last of the sweet fruits. During this time, Hasin learned a few more words of our speech as well as how to clean the fish we caught at a stream. He seemed quick of thought, and I hoped that he would grow strong as well.

Tal had stopped confronting me, and soon I saw that he had decided to throw in his lot with the new band, although he would not say so outright. He asked me about the men, and I told him what little I could, unwilling to admit that I could not tell him much.

I spoke mostly of Wanderer and Shadow. “Wanderer knows much lore,” I said one night as we made a shelter of tree branches against the early spring rain. “He says we may have to master the horse if we are to survive.”

“Horses,” Tal muttered. “Potions for wounds. The man is a fool.”

“Changes are coming. We must learn new ways and change as well.”

“Changes are not coming. The Lady will forbid it.”

“The Lady will not forbid it. If we are to serve Her, we must be able to stand against those who would kill us, and that means we must learn their ways.”

“Listen to me, Arvil. You say that two of those men were under that evil one’s spell when you left them. She may have bewitched them all by now. I would not heed the words of men who can be so easily misled.”

I had told my new friends that I would bring them a good man; now I wondered.

 

 

The shrine was empty when we reached it. We would have to wait there until someone came for us. I wanted to search our old campsite for the band but knew it would be wiser for Tal to meet them on holy ground, where a truce would be in effect and he would not be moved to a rash act.

It came to me then that the band, or some members of it, might not have survived their journey to this region. They might have tarried too long near the shrine where I had met Wise Soul and been found by their enemies, or they might have met danger elsewhere. If they did not send a man to this shrine soon, I would have to search for them and might find that we had no band after all. Part of me hoped for that, so I would not have to face Birana again, yet I also wanted the band to be safe.

We went through our rituals as Tal showed Hasin how to pray. I put on a circlet and told the Lady that I would soon join my band and rid it of Birana, then took the crown off, not caring if the Lady blessed me with a visitation or not. Although I still longed for that pleasure, a part of me recoiled from it.

I gazed at Tal and Hasin. They lay on their couches, their eyes closed. I was lost, alone, apart from the Lady and the community of men. I thought: The Lady needs me to defeat an evil one instead of using Her own powers against that evil. I thought: A soul can wear the form of the Lady, yet not be one of Her aspects. I thought: If men, who are thrown by the Lady into this world, can win their way back to Her realm with their prayers and be reunited with Her at their deaths, then why can Birana not do the same, and renounce evil? Why must she die now?

My doubts had grown. I did not know if I could find my way back to the shelter of faith. I went to the altar but did not kneel before Mary. I would do as the Lady had bid me in the hope that Birana’s death would restore my peace of mind.

 

 

We dwelled in the shrine for two days. We made journeys outside to a stream for water and feasted on a small pig Tal and I speared. I showed Hasin how to gather watercress at the stream and pointed out the small reddish clumps of new dandelions. I told him of the berries we would find on bushes later in the season and of trees that bore fruit. I held him back when he reached out for a mushroom. “Those you must not gather,” I said. “The lore of mushrooms takes time to master. Some can be eaten, while others will poison you. Pick nothing until you are sure of what it is.”

The boy had learned more words in our tongue. “Fish. Mud. Water. Pig.” He grinned as he spoke each word. He no longer cried, though I sometimes saw a sorrowful look cross his face. He seemed unhappiest when we were with Tal, who was often impatient with him. I tried to recall if Tal had treated me the same way when I was first given to him, but my memories of those early days were few. Perhaps he had been kinder to me, but he had been part of a familiar band then, had not faced the prospect of joining strangers.

On the third day, I said to Tal, “Perhaps I should go to our old camp.”

Tal scowled and shook his head.

“You could wait here,” I went on, “and I could see…”

“No,” he answered. “You shouldn’t go to them. They may have turned against you and, away from holy ground, they could strike at you.”

“We have pledged…”

“Don’t talk to me of pledges, Arvil. Who knows what lies in the hearts of strangers? I shall see them here, where they must speak the truth.”

I was about to speak angrily to him of his stubbornness when Shadow and Ulred entered the shrine.

I ran to Shadow and pounded him on the back. “You are well!” I shouted, and my joy at seeing him safe and strong made me forget my fears. Shadow opened his coat and pulled up his shirt, showing me his scar. Ulred gripped me around the neck with one arm and jabbed me in the belly with the other; I caught him around his leg with mine and sent him sprawling on the floor. We laughed together until I saw that Tal was watching us with narrowed eyes.

“A boy,” Shadow said as he pointed at Hasin.

“We were blessed.” My joy was fading, for I was again thinking of Birana. I could speak of her true nature in this shrine. Surely Shadow and Ulred would believe me then, for a man could not lie there.

“We have been fortunate also,” Shadow replied. “Birana has brought us luck.” I started as I heard her name, and the warmth and awe in Shadow’s eyes kept me from telling what I knew. He would not listen to me. He would have more faith in a false aspect than in me and would think I was the one under an evil spell. He would say that Birana had been found in a holy place and would wonder why the Lady had not struck her down then instead of allowing her to live.

I should have spoken then, but I did not, and then I remembered Birana’s face and form and how I had longed for her. I could not let her die yet.

I led my friends to Tal and Hasin. They said their names to Tal, but my guardian hesitated before telling them his own. As we squatted by the altar, Tal said, “Say your prayers now and put on the Lady’s crown. We can talk after you have given Her what She asks of those in Her shrines.”

“We don’t have to pray here, or wear Her crown,” Ulred said, “for as long as Her aspect dwells with us. That is what Birana has commanded, for is She not with us to hear our prayers? Only if She leaves us must we return to a shrine.”

Tal made an angry gesture and was about to jump to his feet. I motioned at him to be still. “That seems unholy,” I said carefully.

“How can it be unholy,” Shadow said, “if it is Her will?”

I could not reveal what I knew. Shadow went on to speak to Tal of how he would be welcomed, while Ulred told him a little about the band. Tal frowned and plucked at his beard.

“Will you join us?” Ulred asked outright.

“I shall,” I said, knowing that if I did not join the band, they might wonder why and grow suspicious of me. “Tal must speak for himself and for Hasin.”

“I shall pledge a truce for a time,” Tal said stiffly, as if granting a great favor. “I’ll decide what to do when I meet the others.”

 

 

We traveled back to the camp along a familiar route. I remembered the last time I had traveled that way, when I had been returning with Tal to tell our band that he had been called again. I had not known then how soon the world I knew would change. Now the land was growing green, promising a new season, yet I felt the chill of winter inside me.

“Much has happened,” Ulred said to me.

“Tell me of it.”

“You will see for yourself. You’ll be surprised. Birana gives us courage.” He cast a sly glance at me. “We have been lucky.” He would say no more.

As we came to the hill leading up to the camp, I heard the sound of horses’ hooves. I was back in that other time, when the horsemen had come to treat with us and had led my old band to its death. I was about to pull my spear from my back when Wanderer, riding a white horse, rounded the hill.

“Hold!” I cried to Tal, as he prepared to loose an arrow. Hasin screamed and clung to Tal’s leg. “He is a friend.” Tal lowered his bow.

Another rider on a second horse was behind Wanderer. Birana was the rider, and for a moment I could not gaze up at her.

Ulred howled with merriment as his elbow dug into my side. “How amazed you look, Arvil. I wanted to see your face when you saw this.”

I was angry with him for this joke; in another moment, Tal’s arrow might have found Wanderer’s chest. “You were foolish not to warn us,” I muttered. “She won’t protect you from your own carelessness.” I was about to say more, but Birana was staring at me coldly. I shrank from her gaze. Tal’s hand tightened around his bow.

Birana and Wanderer rode up the hill ahead of us. Tal wore a grim look on his face, and his lips moved as if he were whispering a prayer. As we neared the camp, Wise Soul emerged from a lean-to and greeted us. He laughed as he swept up Hasin, who wriggled out of his arms. “A boy! That’s a good sign.”

Wanderer dismounted and tied his horse to a tree. Birana remained on hers and gazed steadily at me. She is with them, I thought. She has not been taken from them as she said she would be if I betrayed her in the enclave. That proves she is not what she said she was. I wondered if she knew, or could guess, what I had been sent to do.

“What is all this?” I asked as Wanderer strode over to me. “Where have you found horses?”

“We captured them a few days after we reached this camp. Two horsemen, alone, had stopped to rest not far from here, and we attacked. They were careless. It is a lesson to us. We must not let greater strength overcome our caution.”

“Aren’t you afraid that the rest of their band will seek you out?” I asked.

Wanderer shook his head. “It was my wish to see if we could gain a truce with them, but their band is far from here, and the men with us still remember how horsemen dealt with the rest of their old band. Wise Soul is not ready for a truce with such men yet. His men made certain that other horsemen would not seek out those two and then took their lives.” He did not tell me how the two dead horsemen had been brought to reveal that.

Birana’s horse whinnied. Tal shook his head as he retreated toward a lean-to. “That is Tal, my guardian,” I said as the other men greeted me. “He’s afraid of horses.”

“So am I,” Hare said, laughing. “But I grow braver.”

I looked up at Birana but did not meet her eyes. “You know how to ride?” I said in the holy speech.

“I learned long ago. It’s harder without a saddle, but I can ride.”

“A saddle?”

“I know many things. Do you doubt Me?”

“No,” I said quickly.

“She fell off once,” Wanderer said. “We feared She was hurt. She mounted again. Now She rides like the wind.” Birana slid off and led the horse away as Wanderer leaned closer to me. “This aspect has forgotten some of what the Lady knows,” he murmured, “but She regains a few powers as the days pass. She can ride, and She speaks some words in our speech now. Our band is learning of these horses, and we shall capture others in time.”

The shadows of the trees had grown long. We settled around the fire for our evening meal. Tal crouched apart from the group with Hasin and gnawed at his meat as he looked from one face to another. The boy seemed about to crawl closer to me until Tal pulled him back.

“There is a story I told on the first night we were all together again in this place,” Wanderer said. “The three with us today have not yet heard this tale.” He turned toward me. “I heard it in a place far from here, from a band whose oldest man had heard it long before that.”

Wanderer began his story, saying the words in the holy speech. He told of an aspect of the Lady Who had come to dwell for a time among men. As She walked by a stream, an arrow struck Her in the heart, for a man had not clearly seen the form She wore and had shot Her from afar. The man soon sickened and died, and the rest of his band lay under an evil spell. They brought down no game, and no rain came to their lands. The stream where the aspect’s body had fallen dried up, and no plants grew there. The band’s members were no longer called to the Lady’s enclaves. No boys were given to them. All the men in that cursed band died until only one was left, and as he lay dying, the Lady appeared to him. But no one knew what She had said or whether She had finally forgiven that band.

“That cannot be true,” Tal muttered when Wanderer had finished his tale.

“How can you say that, now that you have beheld the One called Birana?” Wanderer responded. “Another aspect died near the shrine where Arvil found Her. Those who raised their hands against Her will forever be cursed, while we shall be blessed. I tell you this also. The man who told me this tale had spoken to one who had seen that lifeless form of the Lady, and saw the arrow in Her heart, and the sight turned his hair white in a day.”

This was not a tale I wanted to hear. I remembered the body I had found outside the shrine by the lake. Had that form been worn by another evil one? Birana had mourned for the other as if sorrowing for a companion. Or had the other been a true aspect Whom Birana had led into danger? Perhaps her grief had been false. Birana might have powers unknown to me. I longed to question Wanderer, who had seen and heard of many things; but he, like the others, was under Birana’s spell.

“When I first heard this tale,” Wanderer went on, “I did not understand its meaning fully, but it has come to me during the days we have passed here. I think I know what the Lady said to that man when he was dying. She was telling him that not every stranger is an enemy and that a lone traveler may be a Holy One in disguise. She was telling him that one should not be so quick to strike out at what one does not know.”

Tal grimaced. “That cannot be the meaning,” he said. “Strangers are enemies. A man makes truces when he is weak. When he and his band are strong, there is no need for truce.”

“I have traveled among strangers,” Wanderer said. “I wasn’t their enemy. We must know who our true enemies are, but also who may be a friend.”

“Unholiness,” Tal grunted.

A few of the men were near Birana, waiting to offer her food. Firemaker, stretched out at her feet, held out a piece of meat. She ignored him but accepted a drink of water from Hare. He gaped at her as she took his waterskin, gazing at her with adoration. I would never convince them of her evil; I saw that clearly. She handed the skin back to Hare, who clutched it to his chest.

She looked across the fire at me, as if something in my soul drew her, as if I might be one she knew well, and yet her look did not frighten me.

At that moment, when the light of the fire made her skin like gold, and her blue eyes shone, and her dark hair seemed redder in the light of the flames, even I could not accept her evil. I thought of disobeying the Lady and allowing Birana to live among us, but knew that the Lady would find out if I disobeyed. All of the band might then be punished, while I would suffer most of all. Before being sent from the enclave, I had been given another taste of the torment that would be mine if I did not act; I would not willingly visit that torment on my new band. Whatever my doubts and questions, I would have to act alone to protect them as well as myself.

“Birana has blessed us,” Shadow said to me as we ate. “We have drawn together to serve Her. I think we would not have had the courage to attack the two horsemen if we had not known we were doing that to be better able to guard Her. She is our soul.”

I forced myself to swallow. “Has She spoken to you of the Lady?”

“She has told us that She will speak to us of some of the Goddess’s magic. She has told us that we are greater than we know and that we will be granted many blessings. We are pledged to Her for as long as She chooses to remain with us.”

I knew then that the others would kill me if I told them of the Lady’s command.

 

 

I did not act. I also did not tend to Birana as did the others, for I feared her spell and saw that she noticed how I shied from her. She gazed at me piercingly whenever I passed, as if seeing what was in my mind. I stared back boldly, unwilling to let her see my fear. Often, she seemed about to speak to me before she drew away. I told myself that she could not know of my purpose, or she would have ordered my death at the hands of the other men.

At last Tal took me aside. “The Lady has commanded you,” he muttered as we gathered wood on the hillside. “Yet you still wait.”

“I must choose my time.”

“She will ensnare you as she has the others. Hasin goes to her side when I’m not there to prevent it.”

“Let the boy be. She’s gentle enough with him.”

“She is evil. How can you question the Lady’s will?”

“I have grown to question much,” I said rashly.

He threw down his wood and lashed at me with a twig. I darted out of the way. He hurled me to the ground, dug a knee into my back, and lashed me as I struggled to throw him off. Swinging with my free arm, I struck him in the face. His twig whistled, then broke against my brow, narrowly missing my eyes. I jumped up and punched him, knocking him flat.

“Don’t ever beat me again, Tal. Next time, I shall beat you.”

He panted as he stumbled to his feet. “You wait too long. If you do not act soon, I will, and the Lady will bless me and curse you.”

“If you act, the others will kill you.” I knew also that, if Tal failed, Birana would be more closely guarded. The others might even punish me for having brought Tal to them. “Listen to me, Tal. I must be careful. I must be sure that, when I strike, I do not fail.”

Tal turned away and picked up his wood. I left him there and descended the hill. Below me, Wanderer was leading the white horse by the reins as Hare rode, his body slouched over the horse. The reins had been made with strips of leather, and we had examined them so that we would know how to make our own. Birana sat on the bay horse, watching. I summoned up my courage and went to her.

“You did not betray Me,” she said, but her voice rose a little on the last word as if she were asking a question.

“You were with us,” I answered. “The Lady has not taken You from us, and I have returned safely, while my guardian was blessed with a boy. Does that not show that I obeyed You?” Her mouth twitched a little. “Teach me to ride,” I went on.

She raised her eyebrows. “Wanderer will teach you.”

“But You have greater knowledge than Wanderer. You are an aspect, after all.” She looked at me sharply as I spoke, and I lowered my eyes; I was being too bold and might betray myself. “I ask You humbly to teach me. I have ridden a horse before and know a little. I would be grateful for Your help.”

“Very well, but if you don’t learn quickly, I won’t teach you any more.”

“I shall learn, if it is Your will.”

She dismounted. “Let me see you get on.”

Bint had taught me how to mount. I vaulted onto the beast’s back. It danced a bit, reared, and dumped me to the ground. Hare laughed as Birana steadied the horse.

“I see you know something,” Birana said, “but you did not stay on for long.”

“I should have said,” I answered, “that I did not ride alone before.”

“Go on, try again.”

I was able to stay on this time, gripping the horse with my legs and clinging to the mane as Birana led it around the hill.

I spent the rest of the morning on the horse while Birana taught me how to sit, how to hold the reins, and how to guide the creature, while Hare watched. His eyes were narrow with envy, for Birana had not taught him. She did not ride with me but walked at the horse’s side as she told me what to do. I did not think of my task then, but only of what stirred in me when I was near her.

I was sore when I dismounted, and the insides of my thighs burned. “Thank You,” I said to Birana.

“You need practice.”

“I would be grateful if You taught me more tomorrow.”

She shrugged. “You’re quicker than I thought. You might learn.”

“Tomorrow?”

She shook her head as she glanced at Hare and Wanderer. “I can’t spend all my time with you.” She mounted. “The day after, maybe. We’ll see.”

 

 

Ulred and I went to catch fish the next day. His talk when we filled our skins at the stream was of Birana. Hare had spoken to him of how Birana was teaching me to ride. Now Cloudgazer, another of our band, was begging her to instruct him as well instead of leaving it to Wanderer.

“How happy Hare and I were,” he said, “as we traveled with Her. One night, as we slept, I heard Birana whisper in Her sleep and saw Her tremble in the cold. I longed to press nearer to Her, to give Her warmth, but saw during the journey that She shied away from our touch. I took off my coat then and laid it over Her.”

“You must have been cold,” I said.

“The air chilled my bones that night, but I was happy knowing that She was warm.”

“It would not have helped Her,” I responded, “if you had grown ill and couldn’t protect Her.”

When we had caught our fish, we washed as well as we could with the cold water, and Ulred told me of how he had carried water to Birana so that she could bathe inside a lean-to, hidden from the men by a curtain of hides. Ulred and the others, I had seen, now spent more time grooming their beards and hair. He glanced at me as I cut at my hair with my own knife. “You are fair enough,” he said, “but you wish to be even fairer now, do you not?”

I shook my head, although he had guessed at my thoughts. I would have to act against her, and yet I wanted her to think of me as fair.

“Your guardian Tal does not speak to Her,” Ulred continued.

“He doesn’t wish to offend Her.”

“It does not seem so to me. I see no respect in his eyes when he gazes upon Her.”

“Tal is afraid,” I said hastily. “All of this is strange to him. He has beheld an aspect and must live among strangers as well. He was told that all strangers are enemies.”

“Most strangers are.”

“But our old band perhaps feared them more than others. He must grow used to you, and he respects Birana more than he shows.” I was beginning to fear then that Tal might betray what he knew to the others.

Birana spent more time teaching me how to ride. As the days passed, my stiffness and soreness lessened, and I came to regard the horse almost as a companion.

The horse was a mare, Birana told me. She had named it Flame for its reddish color. I refused to ride the white stallion, which Wanderer called Storm, but the mare was gentle, and I grew to like its quiet temperament.

I had wanted to lead Birana into trusting me by passing this time with her, but instead my own will grew weaker. I would burn with the desire to strike out at her and bring an end to her spell, and then she would gaze at me kindly for a short moment, or say a few words, and a longing for something I could not name would fill me. It came to me that our battle had already begun, and that Birana, in some hidden way, was bending me from my purpose.

She had begun to help the others with their riding, but it seemed that she was favoring me, and this was creating hard feelings. Hare glared at me more often, Ulred grew sullen, and Gloudgazer often wore a frown on his dreamy pale face. Even Shadow was beginning to resent me. Birana, I thought, might be making these men weapons against me.

Tal was growing impatient, yet I could not strike, for Birana was never alone. I told myself that I was only waiting for my chance, but I was already hoping that chance would not come.

 

 

I needed to leave the camp for a time and went hunting with Tal. A flock of returning ducks had altered their course, bringing them near the place where our stream widened into a small river, and we were able to bring a few down with our arrows. The early return of these birds was, I hoped, a sign of a long spring.

A darker spirit had entered Tal’s soul. He cursed me whenever my arrow missed its mark, although his missed almost as often as mine. He did not talk of our new band, while we camped by the river, but only told tales of our old one—tales I had heard often. It was not until we were returning to our camp that he spoke of what I was compelled to do.

“How long will you wait?” he asked.

“Wait for what?” I said foolishly.

He struck me such a blow to my head that I dropped my ducks, too stunned to fight back. I winced as I picked up my game. “You know what I am asking, Arvil. How long will you wait?”

“Until I have learned what I can about her. I must be sure that she doesn’t use her powers against me.”

“She has no powers. She is as we are, even if those other fools can’t see it. She must eat and sleep and hide herself behind a bush to piss. She has no magic, only unholiness. Only an unholy one would tell us to keep away from shrines. How does she expect us to be called? She has no powers and deceives us.”

“She may be hiding her powers.”

“You spend too much time with her. She’ll lure you from your purpose.” Tal had hit close to the truth, for I was finding it hard to see evil in her. I had lost my fear of Birana, yet part of me still revered her; I had honored the Lady for so long that part of me still continued to worship anything that wore Her form. I was fighting myself, imagining her death, yet unable to harm her.

“I must get her to trust me,” I said. “I don’t think she does. I can only strike at her when we are away from the others.”

Tal grunted. I felt sorry for him then. He had pledged himself and Hasin to Wise Soul’s band, as I had, but he was unhappy. Wise Soul made decisions with his men or consulted with Wanderer, while Tal did as he was told, rarely speaking up. Hasin was his charge, and yet the boy sought out the other men more often. They, rather than Tal, were teaching Hasin what he had to know.

Tal was growing older. It was not likely that he would be called to an enclave again, and he had once looked forward to being a Headman. Now he had only the tasks of any band member. He could have learned much from Wanderer, but he scorned Wanderer’s tales and refused to learn how to ride or how to bandage wounds. Had he not been a good hunter, the others might have grown impatient with his stubborn ways.

I wanted to ease Tal somehow. “The bears are awakening from their winter sleep,” I said. “Our band should hunt one soon for we grow leaner without their fat. You might lead us on the hunt and show some of your skill to the others.”

He cuffed me again, hard. I was dizzy from the blow and longed to strike back. “Now you listen to me, Arvil. Strike at her in the camp if you must. What does it matter if you die as long as the Lady’s will is done? Let the others fall upon you—your soul will be welcomed by the Lady to Her realm.”

“I shall do Her will,” I managed to say, “but I’m not yet ready to die.”

“That doesn’t matter. The Lady should have given the task to me, but She did not, and I must leave it to you until I am certain that your will has failed you. If I see that it has, then I’ll strike at her myself and kill you afterward for failing the Lady. It is I you had better fear now.”

 

 

Firemaker was on guard by the hillside and Cloudgazer had come down to relieve him. As they spied us, Cloudgazer leaned toward Firemaker and whispered to him.

“Here he comes,” Firemaker shouted as we approached. “The Lady’s favorite.”

“Do not let him hear you,” Cloudgazer said as he arched his pale brows. “He’s favored, and he may grow angry.”

“Maybe She has missed your presence,” Firemaker said. “Are you going to Her now?”

I was silent.

“Do you think She will bless you?” he continued. “Do you think She will raise you up and set you over us? Do you believe the Lady is entranced by you?”

I walked past them, gripping my bow.

“He dreams of blessings,” Cloudgazer cried. “He thinks that She will come to him and lead him into the holy state.”

I spun around at that. “Be quiet,” I said. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

Firemaker threw down his spear and pulled a stone knife from his belt. “You struck at me once. I bear your scar on my arm.”

“I was not of your band then. We’ve pledged ourselves now and must put that behind us.”

“Maybe your face needs markings, Arvil. Perhaps then She won’t find it so fair.”

I dropped my ducks and lunged at Firemaker, wrestling him to the ground. He tried to jab at me with his knife. I pinned his arm. Tal stood aside, refusing to help me as a smile played around his lips.

My head swam, still aching from the blows Tal had given me earlier. Cloudgazer pulled me up by the hair, then held my arms while Firemaker punched me in the belly. A sour taste filled my mouth. I kicked Firemaker in the leg. Cloudgazer held me more tightly as Firemaker thrust his knife toward my face.

“Stop!”

Firemaker stumbled back. Cloudgazer released me. Birana had ridden down the hill on Flame; her face was pale.

“You mustn’t fight each other.” Her voice shook as she spoke the words. “Save your fighting for your enemies.”

Firemaker and Cloudgazer backed away. Tal began to climb the hill, ignoring me. I picked up my weapons and my game. As I passed Birana, I muttered, “We fought over You.”

Her eyes widened. “There is no need for that.”

“Perhaps it would be better if You were not with us, Birana. I don’t think we can survive Your blessing.”

She dug her heels into Flame’s flanks and rode away from me.

 

 

Leaves were appearing on the trees, and the weather had grown warmer. Wanderer rode away on Storm to scout out the land, while Tal went off on yet another expedition alone. I suspected that he would go to Mary’s shrine to pray. The Lady might inflame him, bring him to act against Birana when he returned.

The other men were with Hasin, teaching him how to use the bow Tal had made for him. I had to act soon. Birana had been avoiding me since my fight with Firemaker and Cloudgazer. This had gained me an uneasy peace with the rest of the band, but I did not know how long it would endure.

I cleaned my metal knife, then sharpened my spear, chipping away at its stone point as I watched Hasin struggle with his bow. I told myself that only an evil one would divide a band against itself, but I knew too much about our nature to believe that.

I looked past Hasin toward the trees around our clearing. Birana stood next to Flame; her arms were around the horse’s neck as she whispered to it. My feelings warred inside me again. I thought of the pain the Lady had inflicted on me; I thought of how my murderous desire faded when I was near Birana.

Suddenly a vision of such power came to me that I nearly cut my hand. I imagined Birana’s hands on my body, as she whispered to me, and almost cried out before seeing that Shadow was at my side. “Arvil,” he said, “we must gather wood.” The vision faded, but not my longing.

Shadow motioned with his head, and I saw that he wanted to speak to me alone. We rose and walked down the hill until we were out of sight of the others. “Wanderer has spied the tracks of horses not far from here,” Shadow said. “He saw them the other day.”

I tensed. “Horsemen.”

Shadow shook his head. “These weren’t the tracks of horses ridden by men. Those ridden by men make deeper tracks. These are horses without men, and Wanderer thinks of capturing another horse or two, but he also believes that the presence of that small herd might lure horsemen to this region.”

“Then we may have to fight,” I said.

“That isn’t what Wanderer wants. He believes that we might be able to make a truce with such a band.”

“I have seen such men,” I said. “I saw them strike, just outside the Lady’s enclave. You heard what Wise Soul said when we met him. No truce is possible with them—they kill without mercy. We can only be stronger than they are.”

“I’ve lived among such men. They may not be so willing to strike at us when they know we have horses, too. We would not be so easy to kill as a band without horses. And we have an aspect of the Lady with us. They may want a truce with us so that She will protect them as well. Life would be much easier for us if we had no enemies nearby.”

“I was with a band of horsemen who sought truce with others. The Lady punished them.”

“I know of that, but Birana is with us now.” There was an odd tone in Shadow’s voice as he spoke of her. “This is what I want to say to you, Arvil. Birana begins to divide us. When She smiles at Cloudgazer, Firemaker glowers. When She speaks kindly to me, Ulred frowns. And you are the one whom She favors the most.”

“I am not. She avoids me now.”

“Do not deny what I say. I see how She looks at you even when She doesn’t speak. It is as if She has known your soul before somehow.”

“I can do nothing about that.”

“I speak to you as your true friend,” Shadow said as he put an arm around my shoulders. “We cannot live with such feelings building inside ourselves. If we make truce with others, they may come to our camp. They too will seek Birana’s goodwill, and such feelings may build inside them. We cannot have that.”

I wondered if I could now speak to Shadow of what I knew. “I must ask you something,” I said. “What if—what if Birana is not what She seems?”

“But I have seen that already.”

I pulled away from him, startled.

“Do you think I’m a fool?” he said. “I see the truth. Wise Soul has come to it also, and Wanderer as well, for Wanderer has seen many things and heard many tales. We say nothing in front of the others, but they will come to see it.”

“What have you seen?” I asked.

Shadow did not say what I had expected to hear. “Birana lives among us in a body of flesh and bone,” he murmured. “She is an aspect, and yet in some ways She is weaker than we. She has asked us not to pray in shrines or wear the Goddess’s crown, and that means we are deprived of the Goddess’s special blessing in the holy state. Yet that desire is still with us. I know what this means, and the others will soon see it as well.” He paused. “We must seek such blessings with Birana Herself. It is why She wears this body. We must each enter the holy state with Her in turn, and then we’ll ease the feelings inside ourselves and be truly bound to Her. Those who become bound to us by truce can also receive Birana’s blessing, and we will see that no one is favored above another.”

I gaped at him. “You’re wrong. She may smile upon us from time to time, but She resists even a touch.”

“It is a test, Arvil. The Goddess is testing us. She is waiting for us to see what we must do. Birana has said we cannot go to shrines while She is with us, so we must go to Her. How do you think we can be called and given boys otherwise? Birana will bless us, and through Her, the Lady will summon us to Her enclave. She wants us to see this holy way for ourselves. She’s setting barriers in our path to see if we are brave enough to overcome them.”

How could I tell Shadow about my mission now? He plucked at my coat. “This is why I’m speaking to you,” he went on. “She favors you, and I have seen that you have courage. It is you who should seek Her blessing first, and then the rest of us can follow.”

“She will strike me down for it.”

“She won’t strike you down. I would go to Her myself, but I am still a boy, and it is a man who should receive Her blessing first.”

If I did this, if I went to Birana, I might never break her spell. “I must think,” I said.

We climbed back to our camp. Birana was upon Flame, watching as Hasin drew his small bow and aimed his arrow at a tree. He let it fly and it struck near the root. Birana smiled. “Try again,” she said in our tongue, then repeated the words in the holy speech.

I shouldered my quiver and picked up my spear and bow. My knife and sling were in my belt, and a waterskin as well. It was time, and I did not know how soon I could return after finishing my deed.

I took a breath and walked toward her. “I must speak to You, Lady.”

“Speak, then.”

“Not here,” I said in a low voice. “There are things to say that You might not wish the others to hear.”

I was taking a chance. She gazed at me for a long time, then said, “I’ll ride down the hill. Follow Me.”

Flame carried her down the hill slowly. Firemaker glanced at me angrily as I followed. When we were out of sight of the camp, Birana stopped. “Get on behind Me.”

I slipped my spear under the straps across my back and then mounted. I sat with my back straight and my arms tense, conscious of Birana’s waist under my hands as Flame trotted down the slope. I had not been this close to her before. I felt only the cloth of her coat, but my mind dwelled on what lay under the garment. She needed no weapons against me, for my longing had already weakened me.

Ulred was on guard at the bottom of the hill. He saluted as we passed, but seemed surprised to see me riding with her.

We rode east. I felt a chill in the air, winter’s farewell and a reminder that the cold would one day return. I could pull her from the horse, finish her before she knew I had struck.

“I suppose,” she said, “that you think I’m not pleased that you went to the enclave and returned safely. I couldn’t tell you before, but I am.”

I said, “You don’t often speak to me now.”

“I must be careful. I don’t want the others to think I like you more, especially after that fight.”

“Do You?”

“No.” She reined in Flame. “Get off, you can walk. I’ll ride.”

I slid off and walked at her side. She was silent until Flame stopped to graze on a few green shoots. “I thought I would never be able to let one of you touch Me without getting sick. I suppose I’m getting used to you.”

“Surely the Lady can prevent an aspect’s illness.”

She tossed her head and her hood fell away. She had tied her brown hair back with a leather thong, but a few strands curled around her face. “You’re smarter than the others, Arvil. Wanderer and Wise Soul probably know more, and Shadow’s no fool, but I think you’re quicker. Maybe you’re too clever.”

“Not too clever, just clever enough.”

“What did you want to tell Me?”

“That I know you are not what you seem.”

“Be careful, Arvil.”

I stepped back. “Let there be truth between us. I do not say this in front of the men, but to you alone.”

“You didn’t say it in front of them because they would have torn you apart for speaking that way to me.”

“Can you be so certain of that?”

She lashed me in the face with the reins. I threw up an arm. “Don’t get Me angry.”

“My only wish is to serve the Lady.”

She seemed bewildered as she gazed down at me, as if she were wondering what I knew. “I thought…” she began. “I thought you might be someone I could talk to more freely.”

She did not sound like an enemy, like one who sought to ensnare me in evil. I narrowed my eyes. I had my weapons, and our camp was safely distant, yet I hesitated.

Ulred had seen me ride off with Birana. The others had seen me follow her down the hill. If I returned without her, I would have to explain that. I practiced a few stories silently. Another band attacked us. I rejected that, for there would be no signs of such a band, and I would have to explain how I had escaped. The others might not forgive me for my carelessness.

She was thrown by the horse. But she rode too well, and Flame was gentle. The men would be suspicious if I did not come back with her body.

She was called by the Lady and ascended with Her to the heavens. That was more promising, but I wondered if I could tell such a story convincingly. I thought of what Shadow had said to me and did not think he would believe such a tale.

“What are you thinking about?” Birana asked when we stopped again.

“Nothing.”

“Wanderer and Shadow told me about you. You were with a settlement that was destroyed. I imagine those men must have thought they were wiser than they were. You’d better remember that.”

“I know only what I need to know.”

“And what is that?”

I readied my spear. I would bring this into the open and see what weapons she had; I was now sure that she had none. “If you will stand before me,” I said, “I shall tell you what I know.” She did not move. “Are you so frightened of me that you cannot do that?”

I was ready to pull her from the horse before she could ride away. Instead, she dismounted. “I don’t fear you. What can you know?”

“That you are not of the Lady,” I answered. “That you are not a true aspect and not part of the Unity.”

“You learned something in the city!”

I forced myself to look directly into her eyes and saw her fear. “Do you think I can’t reason?”

“You betrayed me! I should have known you would! You weren’t strong enough, you… I should have…” Her throat moved as she swallowed. “I can ride back and tell the others to kill you.”

“They may not listen. They begin to question the meaning of your presence among us. Shadow spoke to me of that today. Can you be certain that they won’t listen to what I have to say?”

“Why are you telling me this? Do you think you can win some power over me?” Her face was pale; her hand trembled as she held onto Flame’s reins. “I don’t want to be here. I shouldn’t be here—I should be dead. I don’t know how long I can bear it. Sometimes I wish I would never wake up, and other times, I wish I would, so I could find out it’s all a dream.”

I shivered. She was speaking as though she knew what the Lady had ordained. She was telling me she knew my purpose. She wanted to die, she had accepted that. I gripped my spear.

She backed away, then mounted Flame. I did not move, could not move to stop her. She kicked the horse with her heels and galloped south. I dropped my spear and readied my bow, but could not shoot. Birana disappeared below a rise in the land.

I picked up my spear and ran after her. Lady, I prayed, do not make me do this. Tell me it is only a test, and that Birana cannot die. I suddenly knew that to see Birana lying dead would cause a pain that might burst my heart, and then it came to me that this feeling was one of Birana’s weapons. She had unmanned me.

I tracked her to the stream. She had tied Flame to a sapling and was sitting on the bank. She might have ridden far, and yet she sat there, waiting.

I went to her side. “I can’t run,” she said. “Where would I go?” She turned toward me. Her eyes were rimmed with red, and tears streaked her face. The sight of those tears made me tremble—made me despise myself for causing them.

At that moment, I understood at last that she was one like me. I could have slain her then, but did not, for I was gazing into another imprisoned soul reaching to me for help. If the Lady had heard the thoughts racing through my mind at that time, She would have destroyed me, yet I stood there and lived.

“Arvil,” Birana said, “tell me what you think I am.”

“The Lady broke your spell,” I said. “Your name was torn from my lips. I was told that you are an evil one sent to deceive us, to lure men from the right way.”

“Is that what you believe?”

I would speak the unholy thoughts inside me. “I think that if the Lady is all-powerful, She wouldn’t suffer you to come among us for such a reason, for there is wickedness enough in the world to test us and many ways for us to fall into evil. When I was in Her realm, I had a vision of a room with strange objects where my guardian lay bound in a silver web. It wasn’t a place where souls reside, but another place, and it showed me that the Lady is not what She seems. I see you among us and although you wear Her form, your body has the weaknesses of ours. Birana, I was sent out here to kill you.”

Her eyes widened; she covered her throat with one hand. “And will you?”

“How can I kill you? You are one like me; I see it now. You live in our world, and something in you calls to me.” I looked toward the sky. “What has the Lady done to us? Is it She who has cast a wicked spell on the world? Has She led us to falseness and made us believe it is truth?”

I was not struck down. The Lady did not appear with Her weapons of fire to destroy me. The murderous impulse She had planted inside me was gone, but speaking those dread words tore at my soul. The world I knew had vanished. There was nothing left to guide me.

I fell at Birana’s side and wept. The cries of a beast came from my throat. I wept for my lost faith and my wretchedness, then felt a hand on my brow.

“Arvil,” she said, “you glimpse the truth.”

I sat up. “The Lady may not be what She seems,” Birana went on, “but the Lady is powerful nonetheless. She can still destroy.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “She’ll want to destroy me, to be certain I’m dead. I wish I didn’t want to live so much. Even out here, I want to live.”

“You aren’t safe here,” I said. I was thinking of what I had witnessed on the plateau and what the Lady might send here against us, but I was also thinking of what Shadow had told me. “Others in the band are coming to question your nature. Shadow believes that you came among us to give us the blessings the Lady sends those who wear Her crown in shrines.”

Birana started at that and drew away from me. “What can I do?” she whispered. “I might escape you. I might ride away on Flame and never set eyes on you again, but how will I live out here? Another band might kill me. Even if they don’t, they’ll come to see what I am, as your band is beginning to see. If the city knows I live…” She gazed out over the stream. “It might be better for you if you killed me now and found a story your band could believe.”

“I cannot do it. You are all I have now. I have nothing to guide me and have lost what I took to be the truth. If you die, I may never come to know what the truth of the world is. I cannot kill you, Birana.”

“I don’t think you can prevent my death.”

“Then I’ll do what I can for you and learn what I can before I die also. Your soul has called to me, and I…”

The horse lifted its head and whinnied, then pawed at the ground. I heard a rustling on the slope behind us and was on my feet in an instant, raging at myself for my lack of caution as I whirled to face what was there.

Tal walked toward us. “You grow careless, Arvil,” he said in our tongue. “I can still sneak up on you, I see.” Birana pulled her coat closer about her as I lowered my spear a little. “You will not have a better chance,” he muttered as he came near.

“This is not the time,” I said.

“It is.”

He was next to Birana in one bound. He yanked her up by her hair. Her eyes were wide with terror. “Strike!” he shouted as he raised his spear.

“Arvil!” Birana cried.

“You must die,” Tal said in the holy speech. “The Lady has commanded it, and Arvil must strike the blow. You won’t trap me in your evil ways. Strike!”

Tal thrust her toward me. She fell at my feet. My hand moved. My spear found Tal’s heart.

His gray eyes looked at me not with rage, but with shock and bewilderment. He was my guardian, and I knew his spirit would haunt me during the time I had left, but I could not take back that deadly thrust. I slashed at his throat, then pulled my spear from him as he fell to the ground.

Birana’s shoulders shook. A hoarse, rasping sound was coming from her throat. It came to me that she had led me into evil after all. Then a black sea flooded into my soul, and I knew no more.