A woman is like a tea bag—you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.
—ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
AFTER ROYCE DROPS me off at home, I lie awake all night, tossing and turning on my bed, thinking of the possibilities of our future. Royce and I will be together. We’ll have our own home. We’ll get our own things. We’ll both be in school. We’ll help each other every step of the way. Before we know it, both of us will have graduated from college. We’ll have pets, a dog and a cat. I’ve always wanted a dog, but my Mom is allergic. We’ll have a baby at some point—babies. But not so soon. Still, this is everything I wanted. Stanford. A meaningful career. A handsome husband. Two kids. We can have it, can’t we? Even if we get married at eighteen? I’ve seen the statistics—they aren’t good. What if this is a mistake?
What will our families think? What will they do? I can’t imagine Mom and Dad missing my wedding. Will my family be torn apart if I get to stay in America and they don’t? Will this open the door to helping get them back here? I could sponsor them once I’m a citizen. I looked up the law. If I marry Royce, I’m immediately eligible for a green card, and I could be a citizen in three short years.
But what if they don’t forgive me for marrying so young? Or for this reason? I know Dad certainly won’t approve. Will they ever forgive me?
And what about Royce’s parents? They’ll be furious, won’t they? No one from their world gets married at eighteen. Will they blame me for stealing their son? And if they don’t support us, what then? Will we truly be on our own? Does Royce have any money apart from his family? Should I even be thinking about that? It seems wrong.
I can’t sleep. The doubts start to fade, though, when I think about Royce, kneeling in the sand. I’ll never forget that moment. We’ve been through so much together and I don’t want to let him go. I want this. I want to marry him.
I fall asleep to the euphoria that nothing else matters. Only Royce’s love for me. Only my love for him. Who’s the romantic now? “Only us,” I whisper, drifting into a dreamless sleep.
* * *
The only person I tell about the proposal is Kayla. We’re hanging out in her living room the next day. She’s decided on CalArts, and I’m watching her scroll through photos of the residence halls. She’s been there for me and I’ve been there for her, through good and bad. We both know this. So I give it to her straight—Royce and I are eloping.
She sets down her phone and stares at me. “Are you sure about this?”
“I think so,” I say.
“That’s not a hundred percent.”
“Yes it is. I love him one hundred percent and more. But I’m only ninety percent sure I should marry him right now.”
“Ninety percent? Is that good enough?” Kayla wonders.
“Why are you playing devil’s advocate?”
“Because there’s no one else around to be that little voice in your head.”
“What makes you so certain I need one?” I’m annoyed, but I desperately need to talk to someone about this too.
She sits back, sipping from her glass of iced green tea. “Because this is a bigger decision than accepting an invitation to Stanford. Going to college may be life changing, but marriage is really going to change your life. Look at my parents, for one.”
I don’t say anything. I’m surprised by Kayla’s response. I thought she’d be more supportive, think that it was so romantic of us. But instead she’s practical, tough.
“All right,” she says. “Say you go through with it. When? How?”
“The courthouse,” I guess. “Very soon. A day or two. You can be our witness.”
“Great,” she says. “Make me hold the shotgun.”
“He asked me. I’m not making him do this.”
“Maybe not directly,” she says. “But what other choice does he have to keep you? It’s not like that judge has done anything for you. Or that lawyer. Or Royce’s dad. If he wants to keep you with him, asking you to marry him is his only choice.”
She’s right. I’ll fix this, he’d told me. I’ll find a way. This is the only path ahead for us, and it’s a heavy one. This conversation is starting to scare me. I want to be happy about our plans. But Kayla of all people has to go throw a dose of reality in my face.
She puts an arm around me. “This is exciting for you. You feel like a princess. I know—I can see it on your face. And that is the biggest diamond I’ve ever seen. But as your best friend, I just don’t want you to make what could possibly be the biggest mistake of your life.”
“How can it be a mistake? We love each other,” I say hotly, looking at the enormous ring flashing on my right hand. I wanted to show it to Kayla but I hid it from my parents.
“Since when does love mean you have to get married?” She purses her lips like a schoolmarm.
“When it means we’d be worlds apart if we don’t! At least I’ll be in America!”
“But at what expense? You’re both only eighteen. Do you know how many marriages fail because the bride and groom were too young?”
“I know the odds.”
“And it doesn’t scare you?”
“I said I was ninety percent sure, didn’t I? Of course I’m scared!”
“You should be. I just can’t picture you as a married woman right now. Isn’t he the first boy you’ve kissed?”
“Pretty much.”
Kayla crosses her arms smugly. “Have you guys even had sex?” she asks.
“It’s private,” I say, but can’t help but blush, thinking of the plans we’d made for after the courthouse.
“Fine, be that way! Well, think about it, then. He’s the only guy you’re ever going to sleep with. Are you okay with that?”
I nod. “I don’t want anyone else. I want him. Only him. He’s the only one for me, Kay. I know it.”
“But don’t you think you’re both forcing things a little? I know how bad you want to stay. I want you to stay too. But I don’t want you to get married and wake up every morning with so much pressure on your relationship. You’ll only break his heart more if it doesn’t work out in the end. What if you get divorced?”
Oh God. She has a point. We can’t get married this way, can we? I shudder, suddenly cold. Marriages also end in divorce. So many things can happen. Marriage is a huge step, a huge reach. We’re just at the beginning. What if Royce and I think we’re saving our relationship but are actually dooming ourselves? I don’t want that. I want us to have the best chance of forever. “What am I supposed to do, Kayla?” I cry.
“I don’t know yet. Just promise me to wait at least one more day.”