Although the complainer is not as deceitful and unfair as other negotiating personalities covered thus far, she can still undermine the negotiation. The complainer is typically an insecure negotiator—or a master at the ploy—who really wants to be heard and understood. Once she’s gotten her say, this counterparty becomes more reasonable and more pleasant to work with.
Complainers succeed when they make you feel bad about what you’re asking for or what you need or want out of a negotiation. They induce guilt, motivating you to moderate your requests in order to keep them happy.
Complainers can sometimes come across as positional negotiators, not win-win negotiators (see Chapter 2). This is because they don’t appear to look past their own needs. They may appear not to be willing to budge from their position, but really they’re looking for you to come up with the deal that makes them not complain anymore.
You may hear statements like, “How can you expect me to give you a free warranty when you’re already asking me for a discount?” or “You have no idea how expensive it is for production to make the kinds of changes you’re asking for,” or “I’ll get fired if I offer you that deal.” If you listen closely, there’s a cry for help couched in those sentences.
When complainers begin statements with “How can you” and “You have no idea,” they really want you to back down a little and help them out. They can take a perceived weakness—if the ploy works—and turn it into a strength, thereby giving up less than they otherwise might have.
You’ll need a good ear and an empathetic heart to guard against the complainer. If you handle the situation with the right amount of patience and understanding, you’ll get through the fluff and the apparent dug-in position. You can then help her realize that a win-win may well be in sight, which can in turn allay the fears and complaints. She wants your understanding, and perhaps you can give her some without giving away the store.
Don’t Just Listen—Listen Actively!
No matter the negotiation, and no matter the style of the negotiators, your job doesn’t end at simply being there, hearing, or even passively listening. You must listen actively. Paraphrase a few of the counterparty’s key points to show empathy and a correct understanding of their situation. If you’re conducting the conversation by email, repeat portions of the email when you reply to show you’ve read and understood the entire message.
Active listening is particularly effective with the complainer, but it works well in all walks of negotiating life. If you listen actively to them, they’ll be more likely to listen actively to you. You’ll find that win-win much more easily.
As soon as complainers start voicing concerns, hear them out. Hear every word they say, and encourage them to say more. Nod, make eye contact, and use hand gestures to let them know you’re really listening. Listen actively, saying, “I see” or “That’s understandable” as verbal acknowledgement. Once it’s all let out, the burden is lifted and the counterparty will relax. Most likely she’ll play well into your needs so as to get her complaints and negatives resolved.
Once you’ve finished listening to the complainer’s viewpoint, ask more questions to slowly get back to the details of the negotiation. You might even offer a concession, a small one you saved for later, or one that you can afford to be flexible with. Show complainers that you see their point and will make an effort to make the negotiation successful for both them and you—a win-win.