As in many aspects of life, both personal and professional, establishing and maintaining trust is a key baseline to doing anything else. Put differently, without trust, you might still win the negotiation, but it will be so much harder. Trust pushes a lot of the negative aside in a relationship, while no trust puts the negative front and center. For this reason, building and establishing trust should be one of your first and foremost goals, both at work and outside of it.
The best way to bring trust to a negotiation is to have it as part of your reputation coming in. For new negotiators, that can be more difficult. You build trust through friendly rapport, through reinforcing the idea of win-win, and by showing you’re not just “in it to win it” so that you can move on as quickly as possible. You’re honest, forthcoming, communicative, and you work collaboratively to develop solutions that work. You keep your word, make promises that are kept, and are easy to work with.
Your words and actions demonstrate your reliability and commitment. You walk the walk rather than just talk the talk. Just saying, “You can trust me” doesn’t sound very convincing. Worse, some may assume the opposite upon hearing this. You realize that your sincerity will be compromised if you come off too strong or too eager to make a good impression. You avoid passive-aggressive behavior. You are yourself, not a made-up character or persona. You do what’s necessary to avoid making the counterparty skeptical.
I’ve mentioned this repeatedly but it bears restating. In any negotiation you want the counterparty to feel comfortable working with you right from the beginning. The first and most obvious way is to reinforce the win-win paradigm. Explain that both of you have much more to gain by working together instead of against each other. If the other party agrees, great. If you get resistance or if he just seems skeptical, assure him that a win-win solution is the fastest, easiest, and best way to accomplish your goals—it’s been proven millions of times through human history.
The atmosphere you create, especially in the beginning of a negotiation, can influence your counterparty’s decision about whether to trust you. If you break the ice by speaking first, you’ll have the advantage of setting a positive tone. You can show a calm, friendly, inviting demeanor. Speak softly, invite questions, and direct the conversation with confidence.
It’s about Time
In today’s fast-paced business world, time is of the essence, not only for the negotiation itself but also for the negotiating parties. It’s good to acknowledge that up front, and set not only the ground rules but a general tone that fast is good. In effect, you are making a mutual pact not to waste each other’s time.
And of course, with trust and a win-win mentality, “fast” is more likely to happen; you can do more in a shorter period of time.
No matter how much knowledge or leverage you have, throwing your weight around will only succeed in distancing your counterparty. Instead, be approachable. Express your feelings about any issue or possible outcome you don’t agree with, but be sure to stay in control of your emotions, remaining calm and collected. Talk about why something doesn’t work for you, and look for a solution that does. Portraying a positive attitude shows the other party that you’re willing to look at problems from every angle in order to get to the bottom of them.
The more you open up, the more you show your honest side and the more they’ll trust you. If you want the counterparty to let his guard down a little, you’ll have to do the same.
Keep Your Sense of Humor
Laughter is a great way to lighten up the mood in any situation, and it also gets people talking again. If you’re stuck on an issue and you both feel you’ve exhausted every possible angle, find a way to joke about it. You’ll begin to loosen up and hopefully be able to move on with the topic you’re discussing.
But don’t be too silly, off color, or persistent with it. Other parties will question your seriousness or worse, take offense.
Outside of the golden rule (treat others as you wish to be treated yourself), I can’t think of nine other more prescient and important words to describe a successful modus operandi in life. Say what you’re going to do and do what you say consistently, and how could people not trust you?
When people say they’ll get back to you, isn’t it nice when they actually do? There is no better feeling than when you can depend on someone consistently, whether in a business or personal relationship. In contrast, when people don’t do what they say they’re going to do—or don’t state clearly what they’re going to do in the first place (another passive-aggressive behavior observed all too frequently) you lose trust quickly.
Further, “Do what you say” must be always on. If you come through nine times and fail the tenth, you’ll blow it on trust even though you might consider yourself 90 percent trustworthy.
Reputation Is a Fragile Thing
Building trust is about saying what you’ll do and doing what you’ll say. It’s also about doing what you say consistently. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett said it best: “It takes you twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to destroy it.”
Never forget that trust is an always-on proposition.
Once you and the other party have established trust, you’ll have an easier time working together without worrying about being manipulated by each other. With each subsequent negotiation, this trust will grow deeper, and you’ll be able to open up to each other even more. It all leads to faster, friendlier, and more effective negotiated solutions.
Beyond that, good negotiators know that the combined knowledge of all parties involved is more useful than that of only one party. Good negotiators are inclusive of everyone in the room, and aren’t afraid to bring in experts. Everybody has a chance to share their expertise and voice their opinions; nothing is left unsaid or held from view. At the end of the day, this is just another way to build trust.
Don’t Make Empty Promises
Always avoid making promises you aren’t sure you can keep. If someone asks you a question that you can’t answer, say that you’ll look into the issue—and do it. Each time you make good on a promise, whether big or small, it will be remembered. Live up to your end of the deal consistently and you’ll enhance your reputation. Let things fall through the cracks and you’ll ruin it.
Never forget that people remember!
A key indicator of success for you as a negotiator and for the negotiating teams in general is how you and they handle conflicts. It starts, of course, with a good interpersonal relationship between counterparties—when the going gets tough, open lines of communication can save the day.
Resolving conflicts starts with clearly identifying them. Countless times negotiating teams have wasted time solving the wrong problem, for instance, haggling over price when the real issue was quality. Conflict resolution should start with a clear identification of the problem, followed by agreed-to steps to resolve it (sort of a mini-agenda within the agenda). Clear communication and an adherence to win-win principles is vital. Perhaps most important is not to take the conflict personally and, as always, to separate the people from the problem. Trying to blame a member of one of the teams for a conflict will get you nowhere.
This paraphrased Bill Clinton quote says a lot about maintaining a collaborative, win-win stance while still getting what you need out of a negotiation. Loosely defined, power is the ability to influence others and to get their recognition. When I say “influencing others,” I mean it in the leadership sense—getting others to think something or want to do something—not in the control sense. Win-win is leadership, win-lose is intimidation and control.
There’s a difference between “good power” and “bad power.” Power through reputation and accomplishment is much more effective than power through coercion. Good power is more real and long lasting than power gained by intimidation, harsh language, “loud” body language, or even position title. Both types of power can get results, but the one that wins long term is achievement-based power. As I boil it down in my book What Would Steve Jobs Do?, achievement can lead to power, but power rarely leads to achievement.
Where is all of this going? Shouting and carrying on—examples or demonstrations of power—might work in the short term to manipulate individuals in the negotiation. But their effects are short-lived and ultimately breed resentment, often shifting the balance of power in the other direction. Power by example—setting a positive tone, letting your achievements and reputation speak for themselves—has a far longer-lasting effect.
Power can be the “secret sauce” of a negotiation, making it all go well and providing a favorable outcome that nurtures a positive long-term relationship. Power can also poison the well permanently if abused. Use power with caution, and if you have it, don’t flaunt it.