part0014

Before the days of satellite navigation (GPS), one of the most commonly satirised scenarios was the couple in a car lost and needing help. The woman’s solution was to ask a passer-by for directions. The man’s response was nothing short of teeth-gritting resistance and a determination to carry on no matter what: no one’s help needed, thank you very much!

Asking for help shows great strength, and it yields dividends. Earlier, we looked at the habit of damping down emotions for fear of appearing weak. We also saw the power and impact of those who can display their humanity, who can be moved, passionate, emotional and vulnerable without losing their integrity or authority. Those who ask for help also display humanity and integrity.

I grew up in a suburb of New York City and spent every waking moment immersed in ballet, modern dance and jazz. When I wasn’t dancing, I was watching dance – from classical to musicals to the avant-garde, or I was reading every book on dance I could get my hands on, or I was trying to write about dance. Dance was my diet.

The plot thickens. It’s the mid-1960s. The maker and breaker of the dance world and all of Broadway is the New York Times ’s dance and theatre critic Clive Barnes. Unbeknownst to Mr Barnes, fifteen-year-old me was secretly writing away, a formidable critic’s voice in the making.

It would take far more pages than I have space for to describe the catalogue of my reactions to my father’s suggestion, but the words ‘NO WAY’ pretty much nail it. After patiently listening to said catalogue of protestations, my father replied, ‘He’s just a human being. Go call him.’

His absolute conviction was that I had every right and opportunity to reach for the stars, to hope for receptivity but not fear rejection, to admire my icons but not lose sight of my own value. My father remained a key wise one throughout my life and career, offering perspective and challenges at many critical junctures.

Role models inspire our life stories and are a powerful resource when we face challenges, decisions, critical uncertainty and defining moments in our lives. You’ll need them, and they’ll be there for you when you do, but their voices may be faint and almost forgotten. So search them out and recall their wisdom to shore yourself up when you need to.

THREE MESSAGES EXERCISE

Think about three key figures in your life who were/are inspirational, supportive, loyal advocates: Your invincible grandmother? A teacher who saw your potential? A boss who threw you into the deep end?

Don’t overthink it! Work from the gut and the heart. Hone in on the specific quality or attribute that inspires/inspired you about this figure.

You can do this next bit physically, as it’s suggested here, or you can just sit and reflect.

Write each name big (yup, work big) on a separate piece of paper. Then place each name on the floor spaced well apart and directly ahead of you, like a path of stepping stones.

Step up to the first name and state your challenge/question out loud. Then ask your wise one: ‘What is your message to me?’ Capture the first thing you hear and speak it out loud. Walk to your second role model and repeat the sequence. Walk to your third role model and repeat the sequence.
Sit and write or reflect on the three messages you received from your three wise ones. What did they offer you and how does it help you with your challenge or decision?
Their messages may not offer a literal solution, but you will intuit and reconnect to resources within you that you can trust. You may experience strong feelings and emotions welling up in you and that’s OK – let them in and receive them with grace and gratitude.

In the timeless tale The Wizard of Oz , Dorothy encounters some unexpected allies on her journey who help her find her way home again. They too are trying to find their way, searching for wholeness. The Scarecrow is searching for brains, the Tin Man wants a heart, and the Cowardly Lion seeks courage. The Wizard of Oz is part of the canon of archetypal stories that help us recognise universal truths about ourselves and the human condition. When we can recognise our role in these stories, we can see it more clearly, identify with it and learn from it.

Your help may come in the form of unexpected allies, like Dorothy’s companions. Alas, they won’t magically appear. You have to seek them out. But you get to choose your wise ones. (Then again, sometimes they do appear as if by magic in your life, at just the right moment, as if they have chosen you .)

You can ask for help from a diverse body of peers and colleagues, inside your network close to home or far afield. You can initiate one-to-one conversations or gather your wise ones together for a meeting for support, ideas and perspectives when you face a challenge. Your allies will help you to feel well-resourced so that you can make a decision and take action with greater clarity and courage.

WISE COUNCIL EXERCISE 32

Invite four or five colleagues across as diverse a spread of sectors as possible to an hour-long meeting. You can always offer reciprocity of some sort.
Sit in a closed circle. Not around a table. Share your challenge story with your colleagues for a couple of minutes. Be as clear as possible. Share everything that is vital for them to know and how you’re feeling about it.
Rule 1: No questions allowed. Your wise council of allies only listens.
After you’ve spoken, turn your chair around so that you’re sitting with your back to your group . This is essential.
Your wise council now has ten to fifteen minutes to discuss your challenge and explore it from their perspectives. It’s no longer your challenge. It’s their challenge.
Rule 2: You are ‘a fly on the wall’ and cannot interrupt the discussion at any point. Just listen. Take notes if you wish.
At the end of their discussion, your wise council will invite you to turn your chair around and rejoin the group.
Rule 3: Give feedback to the group by saying something along these lines: ‘Having heard your discussion, here’s what’s made an impact on me and here’s an action I’m going to take…’
Rule 4: Keep your feedback short, specific, concise. Don’t fall into a free-for-all conversation. Appreciate and thank your allies for their help and bring the meeting to an end.

By all means have a celebratory drink together if you’d like, but draw a line under the meeting before you socialise. You want to keep the strength and impact of your newly gathered resources close to you and not dissipate the energy of the learning before you’ve had a chance to reflect. You need the capacity to reflect on the resources that have been illuminated for you and on the action(s) you are committing to.

A network map is a big drawing on a big piece of paper (you know the mantra; repeat after me: work big ) using whatever symbols you wish to show your connections to people with whom you have relationships that help you in your growth, talent development and aspirations. There are countless examples online if you need inspiration.

It’s useful to put actual names on your map and to show the nature of each relationship by using different symbols, colours, lines, etc. On your map, include those with whom you enjoy excellent, trusting, ‘have your back’ relationships, those you connect with frequently, those close by, those farther afield, those you need to connect with but have an unequal relationship with (or one that’s more difficult to maintain) and so on. There’s no right or wrong, but it’s helpful to go big and spread the net as wide as possible.

Think about a compliment you recently received from a friend or colleague and the ‘feel good’ glow you experienced in the moment. Now think about a negative or thoughtless remark someone made to you. Which experience are you still holding on to more? It’s likely the negative remark affected you more deeply – maybe even consumed your thoughts for days!

The negativity bias refers to the tendency humans have to pay more attention, or give more weight, to negative experiences over positive ones. This is because in evolutionary terms, we’re fighting or fleeing from predators. This basic survival radar is hardwired into us, even if we’re no longer navigating around predators. This is exactly why we need to hit the fast-forward button in our personal evolution and build on more positive instincts.

Enter stage right! This character is She who remains balanced and whole in the face of a disappointment, wound or sting . She can reflect through the lens of her strengths and find affirmation. She can challenge, question, clear the air and move on. She is receptive but also discerning about the ‘needs improvement’ feedback she receives.

Feedback is a minefield. You say you want it, but how do you hear it and what do you do with it? Our responses to feedback – from 360 reviews to year-end appraisals, from performance reviews to the more casual, conversational moments of ‘helpful observations’ – are all too often mired in negativity. Dwelling on the negatives at the expense of the positives reinforces the myth that you’re lacking something and need fixing.

Lauren, a bright, creative go-getter in a global accountancy firm, wanted to discuss the results of her 360 review. First, I summarised the outstandingly positive feedback regarding her strengths, her impact, and her contributions to her team. Lauren listened and made no response other than an occasional half-laugh.

Radical-action alert! I asked Lauren to get into a relaxed position, take a deep breath, close her eyes and just listen. Once she was settled, I read the positive feedback to her, slowly and deliberately, framing each point with a pause, like a gilded frame around a valuable painting. When I finished reading, I requested that we end our call without any further discussion. I wanted the last note Lauren heard to be positive.

Six months later, Lauren and I had another conversation. The woman on the other end of the phone sounded strong and upbeat. Her energy was palpable. Over those six months, Lauren had acted on her goals, made a real impact on her organisation, led some creative initiatives and was being put forward for a major promotion. When I asked Lauren what had shifted for her since our 360-review discussion, she replied, ‘Hearing my positive feedback read aloud to me and really listening. I heard it for the first time.’

Truly hearing the positive feedback allowed Lauren to use it as a body of evidence about when and how she was at her best. Further, she processed it as a resource , an ally with which to shift her story, upgrade her self-belief and move forward in her visibility and credibility.

In the packed schedules and time pressures of the workplace, your responses to feedback can be rushed through and habitualised towards focusing on what you see as negative. Remember, feedback is impressionistic, human and highly subjective. It is contextual and often time-specific, relating to a particular time, place and scenario. It can reflect perceptions gathered over a range of experiences that suggest a pattern or theme in the way you’re seen and heard.

Feedback is an opportunity for reflection and choice. It’s not designed for wholesale acceptance and unfiltered absorption. It’s designed to be an empowering agent for positive change and growth. Empowerment requires questions. Again, you don’t need fixing; you are not lacking. You are a work in progress.

Always pay attention to positive feedback. Not only does it contribute to your strength-building story, it’s also a practical resource for improvement. The more you understand your ‘at your best’ strengths, the more successfully you can apply them to your challenging scenarios with positive results. But none of this can happen unless you hear, acknowledge, receive and value your positive feedback.

I recently came across an article outlining a potted history of London’s Millennium Dome, that iconic exhibition space built to celebrate the beginning of the third millennium. I remember the huge controversy and long-running debate about what to put in the Dome once this vast and expensive site was created.

Not only did that not happen, the Dome eventually became a satellite of the O2 Centre, host of supersized pop music concerts with galactic sound systems and screaming fans. I still love the idea of the Dome as this enormous, intentional space, a kind of ‘silence conservation’ park.

When learning groups pause to reflect and write in their journals, the shared silence creates a uniquely beautiful and potent energy in the room. After this sense-making, people are more connected to themselves and to each other. There is a feeling of conscious valuing and meaning in the atmosphere where before there was a tendency to rush past things, experiencing – as T.S. Eliot notes in Four Quartets – without realising meaning.

You don’t always have to ask for help externally. Asking for help by going inwards, to the place where you contemplate things, your breathing space, can quietly surprise. The practice of reflection and journaling helps us to sense-make, to process our thoughts and synthesise our learning. It’s one of the most profoundly nurturing and self-helping practices I know. Your journal can include reflections on things you’ve learned, on things that went well in your day, on goals and actions, on things that inspire – the practice is uniquely yours. There are no rules, only the exploration of what this can bring.

I love the idea of keeping a ‘best thing’ journal. Asking yourself, ‘What’s the best thing that happened today?’ might surface things you wouldn’t ordinarily think about. If you ask yourself, ‘What happened today?’ it’s likely you’re going to remember something negative. The ‘best thing’ question gives you those fresh eyes of wonder – the girl awakened again. 33