IGNORANCE IS BLISS
When God gave
Paul Gascoigne his
enormous footballing
talent, he took his
brain out at the same
time to even things up.
An oxymoron is when two
contradictory concepts are
juxtaposed, as in ‘footballing brain’.
When I signed Jim Holton from
Shrewsbury for £100,000, Harry
Gregg told me I had a player
who didn’t know the meaning
of the word defeat. I told him
defeat wasn’t the only word he
didn’t understand. There was
also pass, control, dribble…
Ponderous as a carthorse and
slow-witted as a football donkey,
it’s hardly Vinnie Jones’s fault
that such a clodhopper – sorry,
former hod-carrier – has been able
to wrangle a prosperous living
from the professional game.
He’s got the brains of
a rocking horse.
Jason Roberts? This
is a man who spelt his
name wrong on his
transfer request.
Slim Jim had everything
required of a great Scottish
footballer. Outrageously skilled,
totally irresponsible, supremely
arrogant and thick as mince.
Dan Quayle thinks the Gaza Strip
is Paul Gascoigne’s football jersey.
The trouble with you, son, is that
your brains are all in your head.
He’s incredibly loyal. Ask him to
jump off the stand roof and he’ll do
it. But he’s as thick as two short
planks. He always grabbed the
quiz book on our coach trips so he
could ask the questions. That way
he didn’t have to answer them.
Paul Gascoigne wore a
Number 10 jersey. I thought
that was his position, but it
turned out it was his IQ.
The match will be shown on Match
of the Day this evening. If you don’t
want to know the result, look away
now as we show you Tony Adams
lifting the trophy for Arsenal.
Well, I can play in the centre,
on the right, and occasionally
on the left-hand side.