APPEARANCE ISSUES
So that’s what you
look like. I’ve played
against you three
times and all I’ve ever
seen is your arse.
They’re calling me Valdarama, but
I feel more like Val Doonican.
The image Mark Hughes conjures
up is one that makes a caricaturist’s
pen convulse with joy: legs like
tree trunks, neck muscles that put
a pit bull terrier to shame, elbows
flailing in the penalty box and the
guts of a kamikaze bungee jumper.
Ryan Giggs: the one with his
eyes too close together, giving
him the aspect of a village idiot.
Ian Rush’s hooter is so big he
should have ‘Long Vehicle’
stencilled on the back of his head.
Kenny Dalglish wasn’t
that big but he had a
huge arse that came
down below his knees.
That’s where he got
his strength from.
Bobby Robson’s natural expression
is that of a man who fears he
might have left the gas on.
The last time I saw something
like that, it was crawling out of
Sigourney Weaver’s stomach.
Mark Hughes is playing better
and better, even if he’s going grey
and starting to look like a pigeon.
The person who said ‘All men are
created equal’ never stepped into
a footballers’ changing room.
How much further down his
head will Bobby Charlton
have to part his hair before he
faces the fact that he’s bald?