QUICK ON THE UPTAKE
Velocity.
When the TV people asked
me if I’d like to play a football
manager in a play, I asked how
long it would take. They told me
about ten days. ‘That’s about
par for the course,’ I replied.
Verbal abuse.
Ask any striker what was the
greatest goal he ever scored
and they’ll all give you the same
answer – the next one.
Aye, Everton.
The gaffer said at the end of
his team talk, ‘Has anybody got
any questions?’ ‘Yes,’ I said,
‘Where do babies come from?’
Could I not have two bullets?
The standard of
sweet trolleys at the
team get-togethers.
You say Tony Hateley’s
good in the air. Aye, but so
was Douglas Bader – and
he had two wooden legs.
Fuck off Norway.
A chap was once trying to get me
to play for his club in America.
‘We’ll pay you $20,000 this year,’
he said, ‘and $30,000 next year.’
‘OK,’ I replied, ‘I’ll sign next year.’
The first half was even. The
second half was even worse.