FIFTEEN
Kate was singing to herself in the kitchen as she spooned coffee into a jug. She was unaware of the way that her eyes were shining, but it wouldn’t have surprised her to have known. It was the first time in weeks that she had felt happy.
She had just returned from a marvellous evening with Nicholas Gough – the third in less than two weeks – and she couldn’t remember enjoying herself so much in ages. They had been for an after-theatre dinner with Ellamarie and Bob, who were so terribly in love these days that they had left early. Nick and Kate had laughed at them, and Kate hadn’t missed the look in Nick’s eyes as he had turned back to her, but he had only suggested, in a friendly way, that it might be time that they were leaving too.
He was standing at her desk when she took the tray in, and she was relieved that she had nothing in her typewriter. It wouldn’t have mattered if it had been a page from an article she was writing, but she didn’t want him to see her book – what little there was of it. After all, he was a Shakespearean actor.
“Coffee’s up,” she said, putting the tray on the table. “No cream, I’m afraid. Mrs Adams, my nosy neighbour, came down earlier and wolfed the lot.”
Nick smiled and waited for her to pour. “You know, you’ve talked about practically everything else this evening,” he said, settling himself down on the settee and stretching out his long legs, longer and perhaps more muscular than Joel’s, she noted, “but you haven’t mentioned a thing about your book.”
“Ah, I was afraid you were going to say that.” He waited for her to go on. “The truth is, I haven’t talked about it because there’s nothing much to tell.”
“I see. Are you sure you’re not just being modest?”
“No,” she said. “Honestly, there’s really nothing to tell. I’ve hardly written a thing.”
“But Ellamarie seems to think that it’s coming along in leaps and bounds.”
“Because that’s what I’ve told her.”
“And it’s not?”
She shook her head.
“What’s the problem? Time, I suppose.”
She sighed. “No, I don’t think it’s anything to do with time, at least not where I’m concerned. I’ve been afraid to admit it even to myself, but the real truth is, I just simply don’t think I can do it.”
“I find that difficult to believe. How long have you been trying?”
“Oh ages! Four months, maybe longer.”
He laughed and nodded. “Ages!”
She smiled, and a faint colour spread across her cheeks. “I think it is.”
“Just because some people chum out books in a matter of weeks, doesn’t mean everyone has to.”
“I know that. It’s just, well, I imagined, you know, as a journalist and with writing being my trade, as it were, that I would be able to do it, that it would be, well, rather easy really. But it’s not.”
“Will you keep trying?”
“Yes, I suppose so. I don’t know. Oh, I have to really. My father will be so terribly disappointed if I don’t. He’s really excited about it. He hardly talks to me about anything else these days.”
“Have you told him that you’re having problems?”
“Oh God no. He thinks the same as everyone else, that it’s coming along simply wonderfully. He’d be really upset if he knew. So you see I have to persevere.”
“What does Joel say about it? He is your agent, isn’t he?”
She shook her head. “No. Joel has made it perfectly dear that he doesn’t want to know, at least not until I’ve finished it. Besides, I haven’t seen him since Jenneen gave the dinner party I was telling you about. Anyway,” she forced a smile and tried to put a lightness into her voice that she was far from feeling, “not to worry, I’m sure everything will sort itself out.”
He could see that she was upset. “Sorry,” he said, “I didn’t mean to pry.”
She reached out to pick up her coffee. Nick was watching her and she couldn’t help but wish that Joel would sometimes look at her in that way. “Perhaps it will do me some good to admit the truth, for once,” she said.
“Have you tried ringing him?”
“Yes. But either I don’t get a reply, or I’m told that he’s in a meeting. It’s all pretty humiliating really.”
“Is that why you rang me? No Joel?”
“I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t. But I’m glad that I did.”
“Me too.”
She smiled.
“Sunday,” he said. “I’ve got the whole day off, perhaps we could go somewhere together. Take a trip out to the countryside, or something.” She looked hesitant. “You can’t wait around for him for ever, Kate.”
“I know.” She looked away, embarrassed that he had seen through her so easily.
“Anyway, time I was going. Mr McElfrey doesn’t approve of us actors having late nights. And we’re doing a read for the Queen of Cornwall tomorrow.”
“Is he such a tyrant?”
Nick laughed. “Sometimes. But it’s not a bad thing, I suppose. He sets standards for himself, and expects them to be taken up by those around him.” He stood up and put his cup back on the tray. “If you change your mind about Sunday, then the offer still stands.”
When he had gone she regretted not saying she would go, but if Joel did ring, well, she just had to be free.
She went into the bedroom and dosed the curtains before she turned on the light. This was becoming a habit now, for two reasons. One so that she could see out easier, in the hope that she would see Joel pulling up outside in his Range-Rover, and the other so that no one could see in.
The mysterious phone calls were becoming more frequent lately, and once or twice she had thought that she had recognized the voice, but she couldn’t place it. But who did she know who would do something like that? The calls weren’t threatening in any way, in fact quite the reverse. They were hurried and brief, and she could tell that the caller was holding something over the mouthpiece in an effort to disguise his voice. She had thought for one mad moment that it was Joel. But that just wasn’t his style.
She sat down in front of the mirror and began to cleanse the make-up from her face. Every time a car pulled up outside she tensed, waiting for her bell to ring, but it didn’t.
She looked at the cane, standing innocently in the corner, and felt a sudden surge of anger. Like a dog, too eager to please its sadistic master, she had told him he could use it again, and then he hadn’t even bothered to ring her. She was tempted to break it to pieces and send it to him, but she was afraid of making him angry.
But sooner or later she would see him again, of that she was certain. She laid her hand on her tummy, and smiled at her reflection. She was sure that Joel would enjoy being a father, once he got used to the idea.
Ashley shrieked and covered her face just a second too late as a snowball came flying through the air and caught her full in the face.
“Oh, just you wait,” she cried, and scooping up a pile of snow, she started after him.
“You’ll have to run faster than that,” Keith shouted, as he dodged behind a tree. Then he gave a sudden yell as Alex popped up behind him and tossed a snowball into his face.
“That was cheating,” Keith laughed, wiping the snow from his eyes. “Come here!”
But Alex ran off before his father could catch him.
“Hey!” Ashley yelled.
Keith turned round, and was caught again.
“This isn’t fair,” he complained, wiping the snow away again. “Two against one isn’t allowed.”
“Yes it is,” said Alex. “You’re bigger than us.”
“Exactly,” said Ashley, as she aimed another snowball, and missed.
“Right, you’ve asked for it now.” Keith tried to stock up on his ammunition and at the same time shake off Caesar who was getting far too excited on behalf of the opposition.
Ashley and Alex were quickly stocking up on their own line, and then the battle was on.
“Got you!” Alex shouted, as one of Ashley’s snowballs hit Keith on the back. “And again!” he yelled, as she threw another.
With so many snowballs raining down on him, Keith hardly had a chance to aim any himself. But Ashley and Alex ran out of ammunition far too quickly, and they had no alternative but to resort to their only other means of defence; they ran away. Seizing his opportunity, Keith went in pursuit. He caught Ashley round the neck, and jammed a snowball inside her jacket.
“Oh no!” she gasped, as the snow began to melt against her skin. “That’s not fair.”
Alex was jumping up and down in delight. “Got you, Mum!”
Ashley looked down at him. “Just whose side are you on?” She picked up a handful of snow and threw it at him.
“Come on, Alex,” Keith shouted as she ran off. “After her!”
Ashley was laughing so much that she didn’t get far before they caught her again.
“No,” she yelled, as Keith picked up more snow. “No!”
“Go on, Dad!”
Caesar was barking, and running in and out of the trees delightedly.
Keith held onto Ashley and looked into her face, a ball of ice-cold, sparkling white snow in his hand.
“No,” she laughed, “No, don’t you dare.”
Slowly he brought his hand towards her, and she tried to bury her face in his shoulder. She was too late.
“OK, OK,” she spluttered, wiping the snow from her eyes, “I admit defeat.”
“Did you hear that, Alex?” Keith cried. “We’ve won!”
“Hooray,” Alex shouted, jumping for joy.
Keith turned to Ashley. “Do you want to go back? Dry off?”
“Oh no!” Alex groaned.
“No, I think I’ll survive. No thanks to you,” Ashley added, looking at Alex. “Come on, let’s walk on to the stream, see if it’s frozen over.”
Alex whooped with delight and Keith picked him up and swung him round. Alex gave his father a big hug, then called out to Caesar and ran on ahead, sticking out his arms pretending to be an aeroplane.
“You sure you’re all right?” Keith said, turning back to Ashley.
“Sure. Just a bit damp.”
He laughed, and put an arm across her shoulders.
It had been a surprise to wake up this morning and find that it had been snowing, so well into spring. None of them minded. She had always enjoyed walking in the woods when everything was covered with snow. It gave her a romantic sort of feeling, as if she were walking into a Christmas card.
They stopped at a bench and sat down to watch Alex and Caesar playing on the frozen stream. Caesar was slipping and sliding all over the place, not knowing what to make of this at all.
“Come on!” Alex called out to them. “It’s great!”
“Your mother can’t skate. She doesn’t know how.”
Ashley looked at him. “Who says?”
“I do,” he said, the challenge in his eyes.
“Then just you watch,” and she started to climb down over the bank. She gave a loud yell as suddenly the snow gave way beneath her, and she slid the rest of the way, ending up sitting on the ice at the bottom.
“I take it back,” said Keith, when he had managed to control his mirth. “That was quite some performance.”
Ashley threw a snowball at him again, and missed.
“Why don’t you give up?” said Keith. “Apart from anything else you’re too old.”
“Just you wait till I get back up there. I’m going to think of something mean and nasty, and very slow, to do to you.”
“Can’t wait,” he grinned, as she struggled up the bank. At last she made it, and flopped down on the bench beside him.
It began to snow, only a light fall, and everything around them looked so beautiful, and peaceful, reminding her of the little paperweights she used to buy for her mother when she was a child.
Keith was stroking her arm, and she leaned against him. It felt so good to be with him. Each time she saw him with Alex these days, it brought a lump to her throat. There was little doubt that Keith really did love his son, and that Alex loved his father. They were like friends sometimes, rather than father and son, and it seemed to give them both so much pleasure when she joined them on their days out together. And she had to admit, she enjoyed it too. It felt right.
“What are you thinking about?” said Keith.
“Oh, nothing.”
“Were you thinking about him?”
She looked up into Keith’s face, and saw the sadness in his eyes.
She shook her head. “No, I wasn’t thinking about him.”
“How have things been there?”
“At the office? OK, I suppose.”
“Do you see much of him?”
“No more than I used to. At work,” she added.
“Do you still think about him?”
“Not really,” she lied. “What’s the point?”
Keith shrugged. “None, I suppose, unless you still love him.”
She looked away.
“Do you?”
Ashley held her breath. She had dreaded Keith asking her that question. She didn’t want to lie to him; perverse as it might seem, she felt it would be disloyal to Julian if she denied it, but neither did she want to hurt Keith. The truth was, that these last couple of months had been hell. She had told herself that things would get easier, and sometimes she believed that they would. But then she would see him walking into his office, or chatting with someone as he walked along the corridor, and she would know that she loved him now as much as she had ever loved him. If only things were as simple as they were in a book. A few pages, maybe only a few lines, and it would all be over and onto the next. But life wasn’t like that. Rejection and heartbreak were real, and they didn’t go away, not for a very long time.
“Alex, stop that!” Keith shouted. Ashley looked up to see that Alex had picked Caesar up by his front paws, and was dancing him around on the ice.
“He likes it,” said Alex.
“He doesn’t. You’re hurting him, now let him go.”
Alex ignored his father, and carried on dancing.
Keith stood up. “Alex,” he warned, “you heard what I said.”
“But Dad, he likes it, look.”
“Let him go. Now! I won’t tell you again.”
“He likes it, doesn’t he Mum?” said Alex, turning to Ashley for support.
“Alex,” Keith said, sounding very stern to a little boy’s ears.
Reluctantly Alex let go of Caesar’s paws, and Caesar went running off into the woods, clearly glad to be free.
“Now come here.”
Alex made no move towards Keith. Ashley watched, her heart going out to her son as he looked at his father with big, round eyes.
“I’m waiting.” Keith held out his hand to pull Alex up from the stream.
“Now,” said Keith, when Alex was standing in front of him. “You must understand that Caesar is only a puppy, and if you’re hurting him he can’t tell you. He loves you too much to bite you, so he will let you go on hurting him. You don’t want that, do you?”
Alex shook his head.
“Now call him, and you can say sorry to him.”
Alex turned away, a little sulkily, and called out for Caesar. The little dog bounded up, carrying a stick in his mouth. Taking it from him, Alex ran off into the woods with it.
Keith sat down again, and put his arm back where it had been before. His face was still stern, and Ashley laughed. “You’re not going to tell me off too, are you?”
“No,” he said. “But I ought to. You’re too soft with him sometimes.”
“Don’t blame me. You jumped in before I did, that’s all.”
“But you can’t deny he needs a father,” said Keith.
“He’s got one,” Ashley countered.
“That’s not what I mean, and you know it.”
The silence stretched between them, until taking her gently by the chin he turned her to face him. “So what do you say. Ash?”
“What about?”
“Being together again, as a family.”
She looked down at her hands, and started to straighten her gloves. She couldn’t deny that she wanted it too. But she just didn’t love Keith – at least not in the way she loved Julian. But then she thought of all the lonely nights she spent now, longing for someone to put their arms round her, and tell her they loved her. And the longing to feel needed and important to someone. There was something missing from her life, and the emptiness and loneliness were becoming almost unbearable.
“Well?”
She looked up at the sky and sighed.
“It makes sense, Ashley, you know it does. We’ve been getting along so well these past months, and you know how I feel about you. Can’t we give it a try?”
“Oh Keith, I only wish things were that easy.”
“But we can’t go on like this for ever. We’re just wasting time.”
“I know,” she said, “but I feel so confused at the moment. I don’t want to lose you, I know that. But I just don’t know if we would be doing the right thing.”
“You’ll never know, unless you try.” He turned her to look at him again. “I love you. Ash. I love you more than anything else in the world.”
He lowered his head and touched her lips with his. She squeezed her eyes tightly, not wanting him to see the tears that were in them. If only she could stop thinking about Julian.
“Tell me there’s a chance,” he said, as she pressed her face into his shoulder. “Please, just tell me there’s a chance.”
When she didn’t answer he pulled away so that he could look into her eyes. She looked back at him, hating herself for wishing he was another man.
“Well?”
She smiled a tired smile, and there was the smallest suggestion of defeat in her eyes. “Give me a little more time, Keith. Please, just give me time,” and she got up from the bench and walked back into the woods.
He watched her go, and knew that it would not be long now before he would have his son back again.
