TWENTY-THREE
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Mr Winston sat back in his chair. Ashley looked into his face, her eyes pleading with him to tell her what she should do. For the past twenty-four hours she had struggled to come to a decision, but it was hopeless; she was no nearer now to knowing what she wanted than she had been when Keith and Julian had confronted her. In the end she had turned to the old man.
He picked up his glass and shook his head. “It’s not easy,” he said. “Not easy at all.”
“I know.”
“And such a short time in which to decide.”
Ashley nodded, and looked into his kind, old face, so full of wisdom and understanding.
“Do you really love them both?”
“Right now I don’t know if I love either of them.”
“Then the answer seems plain to me.”
She looked at him.
“Don’t marry either of them. Not until you’re sure.”
“But Julian . . .”
“Julian must make his own decisions,” said Mr Winston. “He cannot, and should not, rely on you to do it for him. If he doesn’t want to marry Blanche, then that is his look-out.”
“But what if he does marry her, and then I decide that I want him?”
“Difficult, I admit. But as you are incapable of making up your mind now, that is something that you’ll have to face, should it happen.”
“Do you think it will?”
“How can I say?”
“And what if it’s too late?”
“I don’t think it will be.”
“But how can you know that?”
“I can’t. But fate usually has a way of working these things out.”
“I wish fate could tell me the answers now.”
“Fate might well be telling you the answer now,” he said. “It’s just that you’re too confused to see it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Only what I said. Probably the answer is there, somewhere, but you won’t let it out.”
“But I want to,” she said. “Really, I want to.”
“Then think about it.”
She shook her head. “All I know is that right now the only thing I want is to go as far away from it all as I can.”
He shrugged. “Then maybe you do have your answer.”
“But isn’t that running away?”
“Depends how you look at it. Keith will wait, come what may. He is in no particular hurry. And as I said, Julian must make up his own mind. It seems to me that he is hedging his bets somewhat.”
“Hedging his bets?”
“He hasn’t broken his engagement with Blanche, has he?”
“No.”
“Then he is hedging his bets. If you won’t have him, then he’ll always have Blanche. Whatever, he is determined he is not going to be left with no one.”
“I never looked at it like that.”
“No. And I daresay he didn’t either. But that’s what he’s doing.”
“Is that wrong?”
“What do you think?”
“I think it is,” she said.
“Of course it is. He is too weak to make a decision himself, so he is trying to push you into making it for him.”
“And you don’t think I should.”
“It’s up to you what you do. But I don’t think you want to make the decision right now. Now, if he were already free, it might look different.”
Ashley thought about that. “Yes, it probably would. But he isn’t.”
“No. So either he has to give up Blanche, and wait on your decision.”
“Or?”
“Or, one way or another, he could make four people very unhappy.”
“Should I speak to him again?”
“If you like. But I don’t think you will change anything, not now. Julian sounds to me like someone who plays his cards very close to his chest. He will see to it that he doesn’t come out completely on the losing side.”
“I’ve never thought about him in this light before,” she said.
“Maybe he’s never shown himself in this light before. People always change with circumstances,” and she wished Mr Winston could have been there to hear her say it.
“But what about Keith?”
“What about Keith?”
“He’s waiting for an answer too.”
“Well, you’ve said yourself, you’re not ready to give an answer to either of them. If you can go away, I think it would be best.”
“For a holiday, you mean?”
“Or longer.”
Ashley thought hard, then suddenly she realized what the old man was saying. He was the only one she had ever dared mention it to. “Do you mean . . .?”
He smiled. “Yes, I do mean.”
Until now it had only been a dream, but maybe, just maybe, it was the answer she was looking for. It need only be for a short while. A year, perhaps two. She would have to think about it.
“Would you like some more coffee?”
Ashley nodded, and smiled. “Yes, I’d like some more coffee. And how about a nightcap too?”
Mr Winston chuckled. “Now you’re talking,” he said, and signalled for the waiter.
The following morning Ashley rang Julian. “I’d like to talk to you,” she said.
He hesitated. “Does that mean that you’ve made a decision?”
“Yes, I think I have. But I must talk it over with you first.”
“Are you going to tell me anything now?”
“No, I want you to come round.”
“You’re at home, I take it?”
“Yes.”
“OK. I’ll be there in an hour. And Ashley . . .”
“Yes?”
“Whatever your decision, I still mean everything I said the other night.”
“I know,” she said. “See you in an hour.”
She hung up, and looked down at the phone, glad that the call was over. She had sat up practically half the night, thinking of nothing else, and now, for the first time in months, she felt strong. At long last she had regained control of her life; she could once again see things clearly, and not through the mist of loneliness and rejection she had shrouded herself in. This odd and unexpected twist in fate had renewed her lease on life, and silently she thanked Mr Winston for helping her to see the way.
She looked in the mirror, and studied her face. Now she was going to live her life the way she wanted to once more. Goodbye to the heartache, and goodbye to the weak indecisive woman who had staggered her way through the first pan of the year. And welcome to the woman she truly was, the woman of character. She laughed. Yes, she was one of the class apart, as Jenneen had called them. She qualified. Now more than ever, she qualified.
While she waited for Julian she rang Kate. There was no reply. She toyed with the idea of ringing Ellamarie, but decided against it – Ellamarie always slept late the morning after a performance. She made a mental note to call round at Kate’s later, and then tried ringing Jenneen at the studio. She was out filming, and not expected back that day.
Sitting beside the window, looking out over Onslow Square, Ashley contemplated her future. Things were going to be so different from now on, and she was excited. She was glad it was spring. Spring heralded new beginnings, and there was going to be so much to do in the coming weeks. She pondered a while over how everyone would react when she told them her news.
The hour slipped past quickly, and soon Julian was knocking on the door. He eyed her warily as she opened the door, and she could tell by his face that he already knew that she was not going to say what he wanted to hear.
“Coffee?” she said, following him into the lounge.
“No thanks.”
“Sit down,” she offered, clearing the newspapers from the settee.
He sat down, and waited.
“Well,” she said, nervous despite herself, “I’ve arrived at a decision.”
“Have you told Keith yet?”
“No, not yet. I wanted to talk to you first. In fact this all hangs on you rather.”
He raised an eyebrow, and waited for her to go on.
“I’ve been awake most of the night, and I’ve thought this through very carefully. It wasn’t an easy decision to reach, but I think it’s the best one, the only one, under the circumstances.”
“I have a feeling I’m not going to like this.”
“No,” she said. “No, I don’t think you will. But I need your help, and I am relying on you to give it.”
“I’m not making any promises.”
“You don’t have to, not yet anyway.”
She took a deep breath, and braced herself. “I’ve decided that I want to take the position of Executive Vice-President at Frazier, Nelmes in New York.”
Julian’s face was incredulous. His eyes were so wide she thought they were going to burst from his face. “Are you serious?”
“Quite serious.”
“Do you know what you’re saying?”
“I know exactly what I’m saying.”
“But Ashley, I’m asking you to marry me and you tell me that you want to go to New York. What kind of an answer is that?”
“It’s the only answer I can give, Julian. I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I’ve made up my mind. I have to have some time to myself, to find myself again, and the only way I can do that is to get right away.”
“But it’s a bit drastic, isn’t it? New York?”
“It might seem so to you, but it’s what I want to do. You’ve already half promised me promotion in London. What I’m asking is the same promotion, but in New York. If you want to help me, then you can. If you don’t, well, then I suppose I’ll have to think again. But I don’t think you’ll let me down. Will you?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I have to be honest, when I came here the other night, I thought that it would all be so easy. I thought that you still loved me, and I knew that I still loved you. I thought that it would be as simple as that. But now, I just don’t understand you. In fact I wonder if I’ve ever understood you.”
She smiled. “People always change with circumstances.” and she wished Mr Winston could have been there to hear her say it.
Julian stood up and started to pace the room.
“Are you sure you wouldn’t like some coffee?”
“Sure,” he said, distractedly. “Look, Ashley, this is no answer, you know. You’re running away. If you love either of us, I just don’t see how you can do it.”
She felt annoyed. He was only thinking of himself, again. “And I just don’t see how you can try and push me around the way you are. You come back into my life, four days before you’re going to be married, and tell me that you love me. Not only that, you tell me that I only have to say the word, and you will call your wedding off and marry me. What was I supposed to do, Julian? Was I supposed to fall at your feet in gratitude? Was I supposed to run into your arms, and tell you that I loved you, and that everything would be all right? Well, life isn’t as simple as that. You hurt me, you hurt me very deeply before Christmas. Did you think about me then?”
“You know I did.”
“No,” she said. “No, I don’t know that you did. You just walked out of my life, and never came back.”
“You made me promise never to call you.”
“Oh Julian,” she sighed. “People in love are always breaking promises. You can’t use that as an excuse.”
“Look,” he said, going to sit beside her. “What if I call it all off with Blanmche? Now. I’ll ring her from here, and tell her. I can’t lose you, Ashley. I just can’t bear to think of it. I love you. OK, I know it’s taken me a long time to realize it, but I know it now. What do you say? Shall I call her now? Will that put an end to this madcap scheme of yours?”
“Don’t be fatuous, Julian!” she snapped. “And if you could even consider calling Blanche, and from here of all places, to tell her that the whole thing is off, then I really never knew you at all. And as for my madcap scheme, as you like to call it, my mind is quite made up. I want to go to New York, and the sooner the better.”
“But what about Alex? Have you thought about him?”
“I’ve thought about Alex more than either of you. But he will be going away to boarding school in September. He can come over to New York for his holidays, and I will come over to see him as often as I can. And, I hope you don’t mind, but I have decided to sell the Mercedes, which will give me a good sum of money to start me off. I can rent out my flat here, there are always people looking for good accommodation in this area.”
“God, you really have thought this through, haven’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Just tell me one thing, Ashley. I know it won’t make any difference now, but I’d like to know all the same. Do you still love me?”
She looked at him, and she saw the sadness in his eyes. Now she regretted being so firm, maybe she could have broken it to him a little more gently. After all, he was prepared to throw up almost everything for her, and she was now rejecting him out of hand.
“I don’t know,” she answered, truthfully. “I thought I did. And, like you, I thought that if you did ever come back to me, that I would fall into your arms, and welcome you back. But now it has happened, well, all I can say is that my decision has surprised me as much as it has surprised you.”
“Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind?”
She shook her head. “No, Julian. Please, don’t even try.”
He looked defeated, and she reached out and took his hand. “I’m sorry, I never wanted to hurt you, truly I never.”
“I know,” he said. And the whole situation suddenly seemed too bitterly ironic for words.
She stood up. “I do need to know, though, if you are going to help me.”
He looked up at her, and although they were sad there was a smile in his eyes. “I’ve always underestimated you. I suppose that’s been half the trouble.”
She smiled. “Now you’re keeping me in suspense.”
“For the sheer cheek of it I ought to say no,” he said. “Giving yourself promotion, no, demanding promotion, and in New York too. It’s a big world out there, Ash, you do realize that, don’t you?”
“I’m prepared to take my chances.”
“And what about Conrad? Have you thought that he might want to have something to say in the matter?”
“I’m sure he will. But you can make him see it your way.”
“Your way you mean.”
She laughed. “OK, my way.”
“I thought you two didn’t get along?”
“We don’t. He is arrogant, conceited, despicable, chauvinistic, and downright bad-mannered, but I shall try my best to overcome his annoying little habits.”
Julian chuckled. “I wouldn’t let him hear you say that if I were you.”
“Perhaps not. But I’m right for the job, Julian, you know I am. If you are with me, you know that Conrad can be persuaded round.”
“I don’t want to persuade him round.”
“I thought we’d settled all that.”
He sighed.
“So will you do it for me?”
He looked at her, and couldn’t help but admire her strength. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, if that’s what you want, I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you,” she said, and put her arms round him. “Would you like some coffee now?”
“Sure.”
When Ashley came back in with the coffee, his mind flashed back to the night, so long ago now, when once before she had brought coffee into this room. That had been the night he had walked out of her life. He had rejected the love she had offered him, the life she had wanted to share with him, and without a backward glance he had walked away from her. And now once again they were sharing coffee. The difference this time was that now she was going to walk out of his life.
What a mistake he had made, all those months ago. What a fool he had been. But it was too late now. Decisions were so hard sometimes, and you never knew, until maybe a long time after, whether or not they were the right ones. And what did you do if they were the wrong ones? Well, you just did what he was doing now, he supposed, accept the consequences.
They talked a little over their coffee, but she could see that he was eager to go. She walked with him to the door, and as she opened it, he took her in his arms.
“I will always love you, Ash. I’m going to miss you.” He let her go and started to walk away.
“Julian.”
He turned back.
“Will you marry Blanche?”
He looked at her for a long time, his face inscrutable. Then finally he nodded his head, very slightly, and turned away.
Ashley smiled sadly to herself as she closed the door. What strange twists there sometimes are in life, she thought.
And now it only remained for her to tell Keith.
“Ashley, I’m begging you not to do it. Please!”
“Keith, I have to do it. I have to get away, I feel as though I’m being stifled here.”
“I’ll give you some room. I won’t see you, only at weekends, I’ll do anything, but please say you won’t go.”
She tried to pull away. “Keith, you’re only making it worse for yourself, behaving like this. I’ve told you, I’ve made up my mind, now please let me go.”
“I can’t. I can’t let you go again, Ashley. Don’t you see that? I don’t want to live without you. You’re everything to me. I love you, I love you.”
“And in my way I love you too. But it’s not enough. I want more, I need more.”
“Then tell me what you need. Just tell me. Give me a chance, Ashley. Please! I’m begging you.”
“Don’t, Keith. Don’t beg me.”
“Then what can I do to make you stay?”
“Nothing. I’m going, I’ve made up my mind.”
“But what about the people you are leaving behind? Your mother, your father, Alex. What about Alex? Don’t you care anything for your own son?”
“You know I do,” she said. “I care about him more than anyone else. But try to understand, Keith, I have to be true to myself as well. If Alex vyas old enough, he would understand that. He would want me to go.”
“But he’s not old enough. He needs his mother. Here! Where he can see her, talk to her . . .”
“Keith, stop!” she cried. “I’ve been over all this with my mother and father, and they feel the way you do. But they are willing to support me in whatever I do. And Alex knows too.”
“You’ve told Alex? You told Alex before you even told me?”
She nodded.
“Don’t you think I had a right to know first?”
“No,” she said. “I’m sorry, Keith, but Alex comes first.”
“Then you’ve got a funny way of showing it.”
“I know it might appear that way to you, but what kind of mother would I be if I just married someone for his sake?”
“For God’s sake, Ashley, I’m his father.”
“I know, but if a child is to have two parents, he needs two parents who love one another.”
“But isn’t that what I’m saying? I love you, Ashley.”
“But I don’t love you.”
His face looked stricken, and she was sorry she had said that. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just that I don’t love you in the way you love me. I wish I could, God knows I wish I could. Things would be so much simpler then. But I don’t and there’s no use in pretending.”
“I suppose Julian put you up to this.”
“Of course he didn’t. He’s no happier about it than you are.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Keith, I’m doing it for me. I’m doing something I want to do for once.”
“For once? It strikes me you always do what you want to do.”
“Oh God, it’s pointless going on like this. I’ve told you, my mind is made up. I’m going to New York, and nothing you can say will change that.”
She got up and walked out of the room. Going into the kitchen she heard Alex and her father playing out on the back lawn, waiting for her mother to return from Guildford. She sent a silent prayer of thanks that she should have the parents she had. When she had told them her plans they had been upset, and confused, but just like they always did, they had listened. And now, despite their disappointment, they were going to stand by her, and help her in every way they could. They had started by deciding that it would be for the best if Alex wasn’t around when Ashley told Keith. She watched her father through the window as he chased Alex with a football – an old man with a young man’s vitality. She wondered how long they had been back. But if her father had heard anything, he was making sure that Alex didn’t.
She went back into the lounge. Keith was still sitting in the chair beside the empty fireplace. Her eyes rounded with horror as she saw the great shuddering sobs that were wracking his body.
“Oh Keith, Keith,” she said, going to him, “please, try and pull yourself together. Alex is outside, he’ll be coming in any moment. Please, stop.”
Keith caught her hand, and looked up into her face. He could hardly speak. “I can’t, Ash. I can’t. Nothing matters any more. If I can’t have you, then life isn’t worth anything. I love you so much, I never knew it was possible to love anyone so much. Don’t do this to me, Ash. Please! Don’t leave me.”
She felt a moment’s panic as she remembered his threats the last time she had told him she was leaving him. She would never forget how he had threatened to take Alex away, somewhere she would never find them. But now he seemed almost defeated in his grief, and she told herself that he loved Alex too much to try and hurt them all like that again. Her own tears mingled with his as she put her arms round him. She held him for a long time, and waited for him to be calm. But it was difficult for him. He had placed everything on his future with her, it was the only way he had of getting his son back, and now his future seemed worthless.
Finally he lifted his head from her shoulder. She looked into his face, and her heart turned over to see such despair.
“When will you go?”
“I’m not sure yet,” she answered. “Soon.”
“Is there any chance that things might fall through?”
“I don’t think so. Julian has already spoken to Conrad, and the wheels are in motion.”
“And what is Julian going to do?” he asked, pathetically.
“Julian?” she said, looking at her watch. “Well, about now, Julian will be getting married to Blanche.”
“I could kill him. If he hadn’t come back into your life, then none of this would have happened.”
“You can’t say that. Maybe it would have happened anyway, sooner or later.”
“I’d like to think it wouldn’t have.”
She hugged him, and kissed his cheek. “I know.”
“What did Alex say, when you told him?”
She chuckled. “Alex thinks of the whole thing as yet another adventure. He seemed rather to like the idea that his mother was going to New York, though why I can’t imagine. He’s already planning his first holiday out there. That’s where he and Dad have been now. Down to the library to get some books on New York.”
Keith smiled weakly. “He is a great kid, isn’t he?”
“Like his father.”
His eyes became soft, and she thought that he was going to cry again.
“Come on,” she said. “You don’t want him to see you like this. Why don’t you go upstairs and dean up. I’ll make us a nice pot of tea, and then call him in.”
She stood up, but Keith held onto her hand. She turned back. “I’ll always love you, Ashley,” he said. “And no matter where you are, or what you’re doing, it’ll always be me who loves you more than anyone else. I’ll wait. You’ll come back to me in the end. I know you will.”
She nodded, and drew her hand away. She didn’t want to answer him. There was nothing more she could say.