I remember thinking how often we look, but never see…we listen, but never hear…we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity, and laughter to come alive.
—Erma Bombeck
We need new love stories. This chapter shows one couple, André and Cleo, moving from breakup to bonding. We see them in therapy, at home, and in their car as they grapple with their fears and longings. We watch them struggle to find their way to renewed closeness and connection. The key to a loving bond lies right before their eyes, but they do not see it until they have been taught how to look. The same is true for all of us. This is not a mythic tale of romance but a down-to-earth story of love made possible by the love sense that is now available to us all.
* * *
André pushes his dark hair out of his eyes and stands looking out at the November rain. It is starting to get cold. After ten weeks of feeling the heat in the Middle East, where he was consulting with computer companies about setting up new programs, just the sound of the wind and the rain chills him. But it is the change in his relationship with his wife, Cleo, that really leaves him chilled. For six years, they had been partners. When he first met her at the local gym, she had been recovering from an injury to her back, and he had slipped into taking care of her and helping her get back to the high school teaching job she loved. He had become her friend and then her lover.
Who would not want to take care of such a beautiful woman? He was just happy that she was with him. What did he know about women? They were a mystery to him. He had never understood the whole romantic thing. His parents had been cold and aloof, sending him to his room if he became upset and teaching him that talking about his feelings put an unwarranted burden on others. He had not dated much, and when he met Cleo—small, blond, with kind eyes and a soft smile—he could not believe that she liked him.
And so he had been so very careful. They had never had a fight in all the years they had been together, even though Cleo is kind of volatile. She just says what she thinks. She doesn’t hold back. But they had been best friends. Sometimes, over the years, Cleo had complained that there was a lack of passion between them, but he could still feel the total disbelief and panic that hit him when she had e-mailed him, just as he was about to fly home, that she had started an affair with a colleague at work.
The memory of arriving home, running into the house, exploding at Cleo, and pulling apart the bed where he believed she had made love with her colleague feels more than a little foreign to him. Who had done that? Somehow he had managed to stop her from walking out on him, and now, weeks later, she has even agreed to go for couple therapy. But it feels to him like they are clinging to the sides of an abyss. If they let go for an instant, they and their relationship will fall through space and shatter.
André waits for Cleo to come back from the kitchen with the after-dinner coffee and turns to her as she places the cups on the small table in front of the couch.
Cleo: [She smiles at him.] What are you thinking about, staring out into the rain?
André: Nothing. Just watching the rain. [He notices that she is pursing her lips, and then she frowns.]
His brain reads the message in her face in 100 milliseconds, and in another 300 milliseconds he literally feels her irritation in his own body, courtesy of his mirror neurons.
Cleo: [Her voice is clipped.] You were going to bring in the summer furniture. Now it will be starting to rot.
Cleo instantly reacts to “Nothing.” She has reached out to André, asked him to share himself. She is disappointed and annoyed by his response but wants to stay safe and at a distance. So she focuses on the word rain and expresses her annoyance at his aloofness by complaining about a chore he has neglected. The danger here is that they will get stuck in the content issue of chores and miss the attachment cues. They will assume the fight that is brewing is actually about rain and chairs or his forgetfulness. They won’t realize that the fight is really about lack of connection and what kind of bond they are going to have.
André: [His face goes tight and flat.] I can do it tomorrow. I never said I would do it immediately.
His amygdala picks up on her annoyance. He defends and freezes up. She is going to feel more shut out now as he stonewalls her. The main emotional message lies in how he speaks, not the words he says.
Cleo: No—you said you would do it yesterday. I guess the promises you make to me don’t matter much.
She hears in her mind “I and my wishes don’t matter much to you. As I invite you to share, you do not respond to me.” All this has taken about 10 seconds. Attachment panic is now hijacking both their brains.
André: [He squares his shoulders and speaks in a very clipped tone.] You are not the one to talk about broken promises, Cleo.
Cleo: [She flinches and shifts down into logic.] I do not want to have a fight about the damn furniture, so you don’t have to get all defensive.
The fight, as always in these suddenly stiflingly hot conversations, is not about the surface issue, the furniture. It’s about the quality of the connection and the perennial question “Are you there for me?”
André: I am not defensive! Who said anything about a fight? You are just angry again. [He turns away from her and defends himself by lashing out at her with a critical comment.]
André’s heart rate has skyrocketed. He is flooded, moving into separation distress. The special pathway for attachment panic has just lit up in his brain. His neurons scream “danger” in the same way they would if his car were approaching a cliff. This happens for Cleo, too, as her sense of helpless abandonment grows. She is probably going to deal with this by attacking him. Then she will feel some sense of control.
Cleo: At least I don’t suck everything up so that I almost disappear. I don’t bottle stuff up at all.
André: What are you talking about? You don’t bottle anything up? You are the one who just suddenly went off and had a secret affair. I don’t see the point in talking like this. We just get all tangled up in feelings here, and you get mean. [He walks back into the kitchen.]
This couple’s dialogue—which consists of pursue, complain, and criticize, followed by defend, withdraw, and stonewall—is up and running; each pulls the other deeper into primal panic and loss of emotional balance. Both are lost and feeling vulnerable. No one is clear as to what the fight is about or how it got going. Danger signals are everywhere.
Cleo: [She follows André into the kitchen and suddenly sees pain in his face. She softens her voice, changing the emotional music.] Well, you are so distant. You never share anything with me. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. [She walks across the kitchen to stand near him.] There is no response from you. Maybe that is why there is so little passion in this relationship.
Courtesy of her mirror neurons, Cleo feels André’s pain and moves from misattunement and disconnection into a moment of attunement. She names the problem in attachment terms and in terms of sexuality.
André: [He closes his eyes, leans against the sink, sighs.] I told you. I am not sure how to make that happen. We were always friends. I guess I am a bit of an island, and passion was never my thing. I am a chameleon. I don’t even know how I feel most of the time. When you were happy, I was happy. My emotions were always a bit of a mystery for me. [Cleo reaches out and touches his arm; his face softens.]
André feels soothed and so explores and discloses his confusion and his sense of being cut off from himself and from others. He is able to reflect; his prefrontal cortex can come online now that his amygdala has stopped flashing red for alarm and commandeering all his energy and attention.
Cleo: To me, it does feel just like you said—you are an island. [Her tone changes now, taking on an edge.] And that really upsets me because it seems like our relationship is no different from the ones you have with your buddies. I am just another buddy for you. When I told you about the affair, I thought you would just leave.
André: [He speaks in a hard tone and with a still face.] Come to think of it, I don’t know why I didn’t leave. I am not sure what is holding us together. You are angry all the time, and I…Well, we both agree that I am an island, so… [He throws up his hands and looks at her with a still, closed face.]
Suddenly André, who was opening up a little, hears blame and moves into defensiveness and helplessness. His fear of rejection is primed. He shuts down, and his still face will make it almost impossible for Cleo to keep her balance. Their brief moment of safety is lost. Now she will protest his retreat. If he were to tune in to his deep emotions right now he would find a sense of failure and loss waiting for him. It seems easier to give up.
Cleo: [She tears up and speaks in a loud tone.] And what is that supposed to mean? We never work out our problems because you won’t hang in with me. You bail. Just like you are doing right now. If you don’t know why you are here, then maybe you should get out. Leave, why don’t you? I am sick of having to chase you all the time just to get some kind of reaction.
His apparent ability to give up on their relationship hits her raw spot, her fear of abandonment, and she reacts in rage. She hears all her worst fears confirmed. She cries out from her own pain and to try to get him to see her.
André: [He is quiet and apparently calm.] Well, you sure found a way to get a reaction, didn’t you? Screwing someone else will do it every time. The first real test in our marriage, the first time we are apart, and you screw someone else for a week straight and announce you are in love with him and you are leaving. It was like I was held at gunpoint. Fight or lose everything.
We know that André’s calmness hides a physiological storm, and he naturally goes back to an unresolved moment of hurt, the moment when he thought he had lost her. The life-and-death imagery of “gunpoint” is typical. This kind of attachment injury, unless and until it is healed, will be continually triggered and spark this couple’s negative cycle again and again. This kind of injury is indelible. It will not fade with time. The only way out is through.
Cleo: [She turns away and flops down on the kitchen stool.] I didn’t mean to do that. It wasn’t planned. It just happened. You didn’t need me anyway. And now you are never going to forgive me, so we are doomed. [She turns back toward him and puts an edge in her voice.] And it’s not fair, because you were part of what happened.
André: [He turns his back to her and uses a logical, calm tone.] We were talking about having a baby. How exactly was I supposed to know my wife was about to leave me for someone else? It was like you just wanted to hurt me. And now it’s all about you…Some part of me says I am stupid to be here. I should just put my jacket on…
Cleo: [In an angry voice, but with hurt all over her face] So now I get punished forever. Is that it? We had problems. Problems with intimacy. Problems with sex. It’s like we were both always waiting for the other person to make a move, to show some desire. We got that book on premature ejaculation, and then we didn’t read it. Then I got depressed, and you didn’t want to talk about that. The affair was a way out.
Too many hot messages, coming too fast. All the signals are ambiguous and distorted. She shows hurt but expresses anger. He stays with the danger cue of her anger. Her comment that the affair was a way of dealing with despair and loneliness is classic and accurate.
André: I made moves. Maybe they were too subtle for you. But you’d miss them, and then I’d give up. And now your “way out” has totally smashed the foundation of our relationship, the trust between us. I don’t know what I can do about that. There is nothing I can do. You told me very clearly that you were not even attracted to me anymore. I can’t live with that. I can’t make you happy. Let’s just leave it at that.
André is probably right. His tentative sexual moves were not obvious enough to invite Cleo into her desire. We know now that female desire is often responsive in nature. If you believe there is “nothing you can do” to fulfill your lover, the sense of failure is crushing. He is dealing with this sense of failure the only way he knows how, by turning away and by trying to express his helplessness, but she cannot take this in and hear it over his threats that he is leaving. Full speed ahead, emotions on full throttle. The way each deals with feeling vulnerable pushes the other over the cliff.
Cleo: [In an accusing tone] You don’t try. I never see you desiring me. You let the fire go out, and now you blame me for turning somewhere else for warmth. [She rushes from the room, weeping.]
What just happened here? If I asked André and Cleo, they would shake their heads and say they do not know. The steps in this dance confirm each partner’s worst attachment fears and that it is dangerous to move into soft emotions with the other. Each reiteration shrinks the safe ground where trust and empathy can grow. The other person begins to look like an enemy. But if we can grasp the nature of the dance, the steps we take that put our partner off balance, and if we know how to build a safe haven with our lover, this can all change.
* * *
Four months later, André and Cleo have found an EFT therapist and have begun to understand their relationship as an attachment bond. They are able to come together to control their negative dance and grasp that their personal ways of dealing with emotional insecurity trigger the other’s fears and trap both of them in lonely desperation. They are learning to stand together and to help each other with their vulnerable feelings and raw spots. Now they can move into a Hold Me Tight conversation.
André walks into the living room, bringing the after-dinner latte that he has just made for his wife. He puts the cup down in front of her, sits down beside her, and looks directly into her face.
André: [Softly] How are we doing, then? Us—as a couple, I mean.
Cleo: [Smiling] Better, I think. We don’t get as stuck in that spiral where I poke to get a response from you and you tune me out or go at me. We don’t seem to freak each other out as much. Seems like we feel safer together. [She pauses.] What is funny is that I feel more attracted to you than before, and we aren’t doing anything different—technically, I mean—as lovers.
This is different. She has an overview of the dance that mired the relationship in distance and defense and left them both aching for connection. He seems more open now; he approaches her, asking about her feelings concerning the relationship.
André: Well, it helps that we can talk about stuff. I was so anxious, kind of shy. I was always so worried about the performance part, living up to your expectations. Being sexy was like trying to play and respond to someone when you are in a minefield. And then you would get disappointed and not want to come to bed or even flirt, so…We were never in the same place at the same time. Foreplay sucks if you’re scared. [They both laugh.] But it feels like you are starting to trust me more.
This is better. We know that just being able to name our deep emotions seems to calm us down, and then we’re able to attend to the recurring scenarios that unfold.
Cleo: [Picking up her coffee cup, speaking softly] Yeah. Trust was never really my thing. It’s too easy to get hurt. So I protect myself. I think my family taught me that. But you are pretty guarded, too, you know. You don’t let people in. You are the distance expert in our spiral.
André: [He moves to lean away from her and speaks fast.] We are not going to have a discussion about my flaws now, are we? You can be pretty critical, too, you know. And in fact, I am not being distant right now…
Oops. He is triggered here. Emotion is fast, but Cleo keeps her emotional balance. She doesn’t get swept off her feet and caught up in the destructive spin. She pulls him out and helps him get his balance back.
Cleo: [She reaches out and puts her hand on his arm.] Yes, yes, okay. André, you are right. You are not being distant now. And I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I am the poking expert in this relationship; being critical is easier than showing my soft feelings, that is all. I don’t want to be critical. I appreciate your bringing the coffee and asking me how I am feeling about us. I appreciate that. There was a time when you would never do that.
André: [He leans back in the chair.] Damn right I wouldn’t. If you are tiptoeing around wondering why your wife is with you at all, when you don’t have any idea what you are doing as a husband or a lover, and you think it’s just a matter of time before she bails on you, then the last thing you do is ask a question like that. [His voice slows and drops.] I guess I was always waiting for you to leave—and then you did!
André can now put his experience together into a coherent story; one where his anxiety and catastrophic expectations got in the way of being present with his wife.
Cleo: [She reaches for both his hands and holds them.] But you fought for me, and we are here now, together. Yes? [She searches his face and holds his hands tighter.] And you asked.
André: [He smiles at her.] Yes, well, somehow, in the last few weeks, we seem to have gotten a lot safer together. Or I am less of a chicken or something. [They both laugh.] It helps to know that we got caught in the same dances that everyone gets caught in and that I am just an average schmuck figuring out how to be close. Just like everyone else. Not the only one who doesn’t get it! And it feels good to be able to get hold of my feelings, so I can tell you what is happening, rather than always waiting for the Great Inevitable Rejection and for this cloud of aloneness to swallow me. It’s kind of liberating, in fact.
Wow! André is talking like a securely attached partner here. He has a sense of confidence, of being able to work with and manage his emotions and his relationship with Cleo.
Cleo: My sense is that it is still hard for you to tell me that softer stuff. That is kind of sad. I like it when you take risks with me and let me in like that. That is what I have always wanted.
André: [He blushes and looks down.] It’s pretty heavy, that feeling, that fear. It’s almost like a panic attack for me. My instinct is to hide. It’s pretty hard to speak from that place. [She nods and leans closer to him.] It’s like this great torrent of feeling about not being good enough for you. I don’t want to feel it. And the idea that you might want to hear that from me, that is really new, Cleo. I never had anyone to share that kind of stuff with. Never had that. I can hardly believe it, really. [He looks up into her face.]
Cleo: [Very quietly] I get that. But when you take risks like this, then I know I matter to you—that you need me close. Otherwise I just feel shut out. If we can comfort each other, then think of the possibilities!
André: [He passes his hand across his forehead and sighs.] I really am trying, Cleo. It still feels like dangerous territory. This voice in my head tells me that one day you will decide to trade me in for a better model, so I should hide any uncertainties. [Cleo opens her mouth to speak, but he stops her.] I know, I know. You are going to tell me that you turned away because you were lonely—because you couldn’t “get” me—not because you didn’t want me. [She nods at him slowly, and he breaks into a smile.] I still see myself as a pretty replaceable guy.
Cleo: [Speaking in a very deliberate tone] I love you. And we nearly lost each other. For me you are special. My André. Unique. You don’t have to be some perfect person. The more you turn toward me, the more you will see that I will try to be here. We are going to kick that guy with the voice—the not-good-enough guy—to the curb. But I have to be able to see you, André. It’s hard to love a stranger—not safe. Do you get that?
André: I get it. I get it. And this takes the pressure off me. It helps my confidence when you say this kind of stuff.
André and Cleo are moving into a Hold Me Tight conversation here. He is open and sharing his attachment fears. And she helps him with those feelings. This is the beginning of a more secure emotional bond.
Cleo: It’s like last week, when you partied too much and couldn’t drive us home. I didn’t flip into anger because you opened up and told me you felt bad about yourself for doing this and not getting me home on time. I didn’t need to yell to show you how much you hurt me, because I saw that you already cared about it. So I could feel some empathy then. I guess my angry messages have been part of your shutting down.
André: Yeah. You even ran into a pharmacy and got some ginger stuff for my stomach. I couldn’t believe that. It’s like we are more of a team and I can screw up sometimes without the sky falling in.
Cleo: [She looks down and begins to twist her fingers together.] I know I need to ask, too. To open up. Share more. In a way, your fears about me were right on. Even when we got married, I told myself that I always needed a plan B. My mom used to tell me, “You are the only person you can rely on.” With my mom, I think I learned that if you show where you are vulnerable, all that happens is that people know how to hurt you and you will be burned again. So the only safe way is to just count on yourself. [André nods and puts his hand on her arm.]
Cleo can put the key messages she got from her family about depending on and bonding with others together with her experiences of closeness and see how these shaped her main strategy with romantic partners. As she does this, she opens the door for change. Research says we can change these strategies; we can learn that we have more options.
André: I know I felt like it was dangerous to depend—better just to count on myself—before I met you. I had to do this; there was a void. No one was there. I told myself that it meant I was independent, so it was okay. So what is that like for you? Is it hard for you to feel that way, just counting on yourself?
Neat. Now that he feels safe, he can be curious and explore her reality with her.
Cleo: [Very softly and slowly] It’s draining. Too hard. Really lonely. I don’t want to be married and have a plan B in my pocket. It was kind of a habit, thinking like that. And anyway, it doesn’t work, because at the same time, I would get enraged and throw myself around to get your attention, to make you open up to me. I don’t want to spend my life being mad or feeling lonely, like my feelings don’t matter to the person I am with. I need you close. It’s too painful to feel like you are all by yourself when you are in a relationship. I want to let down my guard, but it’s hard to reach for you when I am not sure that you will respond to me. [He strokes her hand. She smiles softly.] It’s only taken me six years to begin to figure this out!
Cleo reciprocates André’s sharing of fears and soft emotions. Her messages are clear; her nonverbals match her verbal message. And she goes one step further and asks for what she needs. Cleo’s open sharing stirs André’s empathy and makes it easy for him to tune in to her.
André: That’s okay, sweetheart. We are figuring it out together. I don’t want you to be lonely, to feel like I don’t care. Seems like we need to make these signs that we need each other really clear and easy to see, like we are now. I was so caught up in my own anxiety, I think I just used to miss most of your signals that you needed closeness. I don’t want to miss your cues, Cleo. I like it when you tell me what you need. I can be there. [She reaches over and hugs him for a long moment.]
This is the touchdown. He shows her he is there for her and offers her a safe haven and a secure base. This kind of response changes bonds and the people who make them.
Cleo: [She leans back on the couch, reflecting for a moment.] So if we can work this out, then maybe no one has to hide or poke [she pokes his arm] or be lonely, right? [She wipes away a tear.]
André: Hmm…[Long silence. They both drink their coffee.] But one thing sort of confuses me. If I open up more, how will that work for us in bed? I thought men had to be mysterious to be a turn-on. The thrill of the unknown. Women love mystery. If I can’t make the sex work between us…[His face is suddenly a picture of doubt and helplessness.]
André is right. Sex helps keep a bond alive; if there is no synchrony in this physical connection, it’s harder to stay emotionally connected.
Cleo: I am not so sure about that mystery thing. In movies, maybe. In real life there is too much at stake. And I was too angry to make love. After a while, I couldn’t respond to your moves. I didn’t trust them. When I feel close to you, sex works for me. I want to feel desired. That is the biggest turn-on for me. But my sense is that this panic-and-shutdown thing is a big part of the sex issue for us. You would stay careful. For one thing, you were worried about losing your erection all the time. Well, if we can just relax a little and play, I can help you with that, too. [She giggles and opens her eyes wide at him. She whispers in a sexy foreign accent.] “I can help you, mister.” [Giggles again.]
As Cleo and André relax and shape a safe connection, we know that they can communicate their sexual needs and desires more effectively and also let go and simply indulge in erotic play.
André: [He laughs.] You can laugh, but it’s hard for me to play in bed. Playing is unpredictable. It could sweep someone away. All this worry and caution just comes and envelops me. But it’s getting better…
Cleo: Is there something I am doing that is helping?
André: Yes. When we take our time, it helps me. When you touch me lots. That kind of soothes me, and I start to think, “It’s Cleo, and she does want you,” and then the carefulness kind of shrinks. [André laughs.] The carefulness, I mean—not anything else! [They both laugh.]
Cleo: When things got bad between us, I think I stopped all the hugging and touching…
André: Right. And then that voice in my head just got louder—the “she doesn’t love you, you idiot” voice. And sex got more pressured, more difficult. It was like a test every time for me. So I would avoid it. [He goes quiet for a long moment.] I think I need your touch. It grounds me somehow. I instantly feel like I am not alone. It was like I had missed that my whole life and didn’t know what was missing. [He tears up.] Then I found you, but I kept waiting for you to disappear. I need your soft touch.
Here André completes his part of the Hold Me Tight conversation, telling his wife what he needs from her to stay open and present both in and out of bed.
Cleo: [She leans across and kisses him.] I will be your ground, love. It takes so much strength to do what you are doing right now. You are the man for me. [After a minute she speaks in a mischievous voice.] So now will you play?
He laughs, gives a joyful roar, and reaches for her.
A few weeks later, Cleo and André feel safe enough to talk more openly about the wound that still festers in their relationship: Cleo’s affair. This Hold Me Tight conversation focuses on the hurt from a key event and how it continues to block trust between the couple.
André and Cleo are driving to a friend’s country cottage for the weekend. They had tried to do the Forgiving Injuries conversation from the book Hold Me Tight the night before but had been interrupted by a call from Cleo’s mom. They try to begin again. André is driving.
Cleo: I thought it was good that we started to talk about it last night. Even if we didn’t get that far. It’s hard for me to hear how devastated you felt. That was the word you used, wasn’t it? [She looks at him, and he nods deliberately.]
André: That was the word. [He keeps his eyes on the road.] It was my worst nightmare come true. Sex had become a minefield between us. You made it clear that I was failing, disappointing you in bed, and so…you had sex with someone else when I was away, out of the picture. Like our marriage meant nothing to you. I had lost you. The only thing that stopped me going crazy on the plane home was that I got enraged. Destroying the bed felt good. [After a long silence, he continues.] I thought it was just guys that were supposed to be all hung up on sex being great. [Another silence, and he moves the car into the slow lane.] When I think about this, I start to wonder if I am a fool for still being here. Even though we seem to be better together, this still kills me. In fact, if we are going to talk about this, I think I had better pull over. [He pulls the car into a little lane looking out onto rolling farmland. He stares out the windshield and speaks very quietly.] I can’t ever go through that again, Cleo.
André now talks about this in a way that acknowledges and exposes his vulnerability and pain. He does not assign blame to Cleo. This ability to express your pain in attachment terms is the first step in the EFT model of forgiveness.
Cleo: It wasn’t about sex.
André: [He turns to face her.] Excuse me? Seems like that was a pretty big part of it to me. It was part of your plan B, I think.
Cleo: [She turns to face him.] You are angry whenever we talk about this. I get that; you have a right. But you know what was happening with us. We were totally cut off from each other. We were either distant or fighting. It wasn’t part of a plan, unless you call it a plan to want a way out of hurting and being so alone. I wanted to feel desired, and I just fell into it. When I e-mailed you, I expected you to just agree, to say you didn’t care. I told myself that that would be for the best. I was so angry at you as well. I was lost in all these feelings. But when you came home, everything changed. Being desired wasn’t the big solution. It was you I wanted that from. It was an escape, an illusion that just fell apart. I know I hurt you very badly. Maybe some part of me wanted to create a storm just so things would get clear, just so we could break out of our ways and move somewhere.
Well done, Cleo. She doesn’t get defensive. She acknowledges André’s pain and explores her own actions. She sets out how she moved into the affair. When she does this, she helps him make sense of her actions. She begins to be predictable again. Step two in the tested EFT model of forgiveness is unfolding.
André: [Very quietly] I am angry but mostly I am hurt, hurt, hurt that you would do this. Yes, we were cut off from each other, but still…I would never have done that to you, Cleo. Maybe I am not such a great lover, but…
André is protesting her disregard for him and their relationship. We hear the three elements that seem to constitute what we call hurt feeling: reactive anger, loss or sadness, and fear that she could so dismiss their relationship and reject and abandon him. But he expresses this hurt softly and allows her to stay connected and respond in a way that can help him heal.
Cleo: [Speaking very quietly, in tears] I was very desperate, André. I could not go on the way we were. I got all hung up on the sex aspect, but that was just a symbol for the whole “alone” thing. Now that we are more connected, we are working out the sex stuff just fine. I guess I just wanted to feel that someone loved me, wanted me. It is kind of pathetic, but there you are. He flirted with me, and I just let it happen. But I think I was also so angry with you for shutting me out so much. When I wrote the e-mail I was mad. I wanted to show you that I could…I don’t know…that I could get to you even behind your wall. The minute you came home I knew I had made a terrible mistake. I just want us to find a way through this, find a way together.
André: I can’t respond to your anger, Cleo. I just get totally overwhelmed by it. So yes, I have to shut down. I guess I did shut you out. [There is a long silence.] It does help for you to tell me what you were thinking. It makes it more tangible, more logical somehow. I guess we were both lost and desperate. You kind of acted out my worst fantasy. Maybe something dramatic had to happen, I don’t know. All I know is that I can never, never go through that again. I felt like our relationship was nothing to you—nothing. An e-mail message! If I hadn’t found my rage, I would have come apart. No—I came apart anyway. [He cries.] How could you do that? And if I am not the greatest lover ever, will you do that again? Some part of me wants to just run when I touch this hurt. I have never felt so small.
André does what all the partners who succeeded in healing their relationship in the EFT study on forgiveness of injuries did. He risks opening up his softer feelings and showing her his pain. He tells her the impact her actions had on him and how hard it is to risk depending on her again. He can do this in part because of the help he’s had in finding and making sense of his emotions and in part because he loves his wife and is willing to risk reaching for her again.
Cleo: [She turns to face him. She is weeping and reaches to put her hands on his arms.] I am so, so sorry, André. It was the tackiest thing I have ever done. You didn’t deserve that. I just wanted a way out of feeling so lonely. [He looks up into her face.] I do care about your feelings. I don’t want you to hurt. I feel sick when I see how much I have hurt you. Ashamed and sick. I will do whatever I need to do so you can feel better and begin to trust me again. I am sorry, my love. [He grabs her, and they hold each other and cry for a while.]
This is the gold-star apology. Now he can see clearly that his hurt causes her pain. She expresses sadness and shame in a deeply emotional way, a way that moves him. This emotional connection builds new safety where before there was only danger and pain.
André: [He leans back against the car door.] I guess I need you to tell me that we will keep on working on our relationship and our physical connection together and that you will be with me in that. I need reassurance, I guess. And when this feeling comes up about all this, I need to be able to come to you for comfort, to hear you say the kinds of things you just said. It helps to know that you have moved to another office at work so you no longer see him. But it’s not really him that haunts me. It’s that you didn’t think of me—of us—and you sent that e-mail. I felt so dismissed, so unimportant to the most important person to me. It was terrifying. I need to know I matter to you.
André’s emotions and the needs behind them are now crystal clear, so he can send a compelling, coherent message to his lover about what he needs to move into a sense of felt security with her.
Cleo: [Very softly] I made a terrible mistake. I will do anything to help you with this hurt. You are the person I want to be with. I will not turn away from you again. I want us to be together. I do not want you to be afraid with me. I am here.
This is the essence of a Hold Me Tight conversation. If this couple were in our research projects we would rate each statement in this conversation, noting the depth of the emotion expressed and whether André can integrate it so it makes sense, whether he can stay open and reach for her rather than lapsing into defensiveness or anger, and whether she can come to meet him with compassion and caring. Watching this couple’s conversation, we would predict that they would, at the end of therapy, reach new levels of happiness and trust, levels that would persist in the years to come. Physiologically, they are in sync; emotionally, they are open and responsive to each other’s cues.
André: [He smiles very slowly.] Well. Well. I guess that is good, then! Somehow this feels much better. I don’t know what we did, but I feel like a weight is off me. Maybe we really can hold on to these good things we are doing; maybe we can. If we can heal this one…
He is right. As they undo the old hurt and replace the pain with a sense of closeness, they renew their bond. And they become increasingly confident that they can shape their relationship and steer it through any crisis. They have a safe haven and a secure base together.
Cleo: [She dries her face with her hand and smoothes out her coat.] We are healing it. We are reaching and learning. It feels like a new place altogether. If we can come out of this crisis and learn to hold on to each other, well, we can do anything.
André: [He smiles.] Okay, then…Let’s get up to the cottage and start our weekend. You and me. [She smiles back at him. He starts the engine.]
What was it like for you to read this love story? Did it seem strange or foreign? Did it remind you of moments in your own relationships?
Were there parts of it that you think might have been pretty hard for you to do in your relationships?
What would you like to have said to André and Cleo as they let go of the support they received in our sessions and went off to build their new relationship together?