I dedicate this book on the science of close relationships to the people who have taught me the most about this topic.
The first is my father, Arthur Driver, an English sailor and small-town publican, whose face came alive with delight every time his mouthy little working-class daughter challenged or disagreed with him. My mother, Winnifred, was the one who taught me that the only thing that mattered was courage, including the courage to reach out for and to others. My diminutive grandmother, Ethel, showed me that when you have a treasured loved one by your side, even the hard times in life can be full of joy. And my lifelong friend Father Anthony Storey, even though he believed in a different God than I did, taught me that holiness, which comes from the Old English word for “whole,” is always about compassion and care for others.
I have learned about all the topics in this book—connection, disconnection, emotion, and bonding—from my family: my three children, Sarah, Tim, and Emma, and my amazing life partner, John Palmer Douglas. It is a life’s work to study love and connection and then to actually try to live what you have learned, and my family has been most patient with my attempts to do just this.
Over the years, I have also learned from my inspiring clients—this book would not have been possible without them—and from my wonderful students at the University of Ottawa and at Alliant International University in San Diego. In addition, I have learned from my incredible group of colleagues, who travel all over the world with me and teach what we have learned about creating secure bonds to mental health professionals and couples. Special colleagues in the couple therapy field, such as John and Julie Gottman, have encouraged and supported me. As the study of bonding has grown, others from fields outside clinical psychology, such as neuroscientist Jim Coan and social psychologists Mario Mikulincer and Phil Shaver, have challenged and nurtured me. My dear colleagues at the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT) and all its thirty or so affiliated centers have created a community of committed clinicians who offer me a professional family where uncertainties can be explored and discoveries expanded.
I must thank Tracy Behar, my editor at Little, Brown, for her patience and for her commitment to helping me write a second book on the topic of love relationships; additional thanks go to my always upbeat and dedicated agent, Miriam Altshuler. This book would not be possible without the astute analytical mind and rigorous editing skills of Anastasia Toufexis, who insisted that this somewhat academic treatise be relevant and even readable.
Finally, I dedicate this book to all those who struggle to understand what romantic love is and who, even when lost in moments of deep confusion and despair, again and again turn back to their loved ones and try to put their feet on the path that leads to secure connection. There are so many of us.