Chapter Seven
After the service, Priscilla fixed her gaze on the floor as she exited. Her bowed head might make her appear guilty or ashamed, but it prevented her from seeing anyone’s condemnation. If only she could find a place to hide so she didn’t have to face the prying eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” Hope whispered as they made their way to the kitchen after church.
Her eyes filled with reproach, Mamm stared at Priscilla as they both helped to prepare the meal. Her mother also kept to herself and avoided her usual chattering. Mamm’s attitude tore at the fragile barrier Priscilla had erected to hide her feelings, and she fought back tears. If her own mother didn’t believe in her innocence, why would anyone else?
Rather than carrying serving dishes out to the food tables, Priscilla made lemonade and filled empty platters in a far corner of the kitchen, keeping her back to the hustle and bustle around her.
“Priscilla?” A soft voice startled her.
Matthew’s mamm had rolled her wheelchair behind Priscilla. She had been so intent on blocking everyone out, she hadn’t noticed Ruth’s approach.
“I’d like to talk to you privately. Would you be able to stop by on Tuesday after work?”
“Of course.” Ruth probably intended to lecture her too. Unless Matthew had told his mamm about Mara. If he had, why would she want to talk to his ex-girlfriend? If he hadn’t, should Priscilla tell her the truth? Knowing Ruth, she’d likely insist Matthew tell the congregation about Mara.
Ruth stayed beside Priscilla, helping with the kitchen chores but also serving as a buffer between Priscilla and the rest of the women. Did Ruth do that on purpose or accidentally? Either way, Priscilla was grateful. Unlike her son, she remained supportive and loyal.
The whole while they’d been courting, Priscilla had assumed Matthew loved her, but every time he had the opportunity to proclaim her innocence, he hadn’t cared enough to clear her name. Mara’s needs had come first for him. That cut as deeply as his cheating.
* * *
Gabe hoped to slip out without committing to attending the youth meeting, but Levi stopped him as they exited the house.
“Hope we’ll see you tonight,” he said.
Saul came up behind them, carrying his youngest son, who’d fallen asleep. “Gabe will be there. I’m sure he’ll enjoy getting to know all of you.”
“Great.” Levi gave a brief wave. “See you tonight, then.” He hurried over to help an elderly woman into her son’s carriage.
Gabe sighed to himself. His brother had trapped him into going.
“Could you get in the back,” Saul asked, “and hold Jayden?”
“Neh.” His sister-in-law slipped past him with the baby. “I’ll get in the back. Gabe will need more room to hold Jayden.”
After they’d all settled in, Gabe turned to his brother. “I wish you hadn’t done that.”
Saul wrinkled his brow. “Done what?”
“Said I’d go to the singing.”
His brother flicked the reins to start the horse. “You’ll have a good time. They’re a friendly bunch.”
Besides being uncomfortable in groups of strangers, which Saul certainly knew, Gabe had another excuse for not going. “If I go to the singings, people may think I’m looking for someone to court. I can’t do that. You know my situation back in Bucks County.”
“It’s time you let go of that. How long has it been? Five years now?”
More like seven. “You don’t understand.” Gabe had made a promise. A promise he intended to keep.
For a while, they rode in silence, and Gabe gazed down at his sleeping nephew. Jayden’s weight in Gabe’s arms and the damp patch on his sleeve where his nephew’s head lay brought back Priscilla’s words. She’d stirred a longing in his soul to have a family. He wanted to pass down the business to his children. But that might be an impossible dream.
That yearning stayed with him as he milked the cows and camels later that afternoon. Saul had sent Tim over to help, so he tended to some of the cows while Gabe milked the camels. Camels grew used to one milker and usually only gave milk to the person they’d bonded with. Even then, it was hard work for only a tiny yield. People always questioned why camel’s milk was so expensive, but unlike cows, who readily produced milk, camels gave very little.
Despite Tim’s help, Gabe didn’t finish until almost five thirty, and he still had to clean up. By the time he arrived, he’d missed the volleyball game and the food. Everyone sat at the tables—boys on one side, girls on the other—singing a hymn.
If he’d been late like this in his home district, he’d have received a letter of reprimand. Would he get in trouble here? Most likely not for the first time. Maybe if he explained his situation to the parents who oversaw the attendance, they’d understand why he’d rather not join the group.
Although most of the girls, except for a few shy ones, smiled at him, Gabe gave only fleeting smiles in return. Granted, they were just being friendly, but he didn’t want anyone to think he was interested. After he’d acknowledged everyone with a nod or smile, he kept his eyes fixed on the songbook even though he knew the words.
When they took a break for a snack, some girls made beelines for their boyfriends, but several clustered around Gabe.
They introduced themselves and giggled as he struggled to respond. Once again, they fired questions at him, making him nervous and mute.
“Are you the one with the camels?” “Where did you come from?” “Are camels hard to care for?” “What made you choose camels?” “Do you like it here?”
Remembering Saul’s assistance earlier, Gabe tried to concentrate on one question at a time, but his cheeks burned as he stuttered out his first answer.
“Wait,” one girl said. “Maybe we should give him some time to think between questions.”
He shot her a relieved smile, and she beamed at him. He hoped he hadn’t given her the wrong impression.
“Why did you choose camels?” she asked.
Keeping his eyes fixed on the floor, Gabe went into a rambling explanation of his reasons and made a hash of trying to list the benefits of camel’s milk. If only Priscilla were here, she’d be able to explain all this better than he could. He wasn’t sure if any of what he was saying made sense, but maybe if he kept talking, he wouldn’t have to answer any more questions.
He sighed with relief when everyone headed back to the tables to resume singing. As he rushed toward the spot where he’d been sitting, he passed two girls whispering together.
“I wonder if he has a girlfriend,” one said.
She looked up to see Gabe beside her, and scarlet crept up her neck and into her cheeks. He longed to settle their speculation by telling them he was unavailable. Instead, he walked by as if he hadn’t heard.
But the question raised a longing in Gabe that stayed with him throughout the singing and on his lonely ride home. A longing for a relationship, to be close to someone, to have a home and family.
Although he shouldn’t be thinking about any girls, Gabe had evaluated all of them tonight by one ideal—Priscilla. And no matter how nice these girls seemed, none of them even came close to her.
* * *
On Tuesday, Mamm picked Priscilla up after school to take her to Ruth’s. After helping Asher into the back seat of the buggy with her other brothers and sisters, Priscilla took the front seat beside Mamm. Her mother planned to take Asher for his horse therapy at Hope’s farm, so she’d drop Priscilla off and pick her up in a little over an hour.
Although Priscilla usually loved visiting Ruth, all day long she’d dreaded this visit. Since Sunday, she’d struggled with forgiving Matthew. Each time she recalled his confession, she had to pray about her anger.
He’d still be at work today, so she wouldn’t run into him. And she had no idea what she’d say to him when she eventually faced him. But sometime soon they had to talk.
When Mamm pulled the buggy into Ruth’s driveway, Priscilla steeled herself. This was the first time she’d been at Matthew’s house since . . .
All the happy memories of spending time here with him and his mamm were swept away in a tsunami of pain.
Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, Priscilla forced herself to open the buggy door.
Before she exited, Mamm laid a hand on her arm. “Please make peace with Matthew.”
Priscilla had been trying, spending time on her knees and begging God to fill her with forgiveness.
“Remember what I said about apologizing. One person has to make the first move. Why not be the first to say you’re sorry?”
“Mamm!” Priscilla’s cry, low and desperate, came from deep inside her wounded soul.
“I know it isn’t easy, especially if you feel you were wronged.”
Priscilla turned her head away so Mamm wouldn’t see how much her words hurt. They had to find a way to let Mamm know what happened without starting a chain of gossip.
“Matthew is at work,” Priscilla said through gritted teeth. “I’m visiting Ruth.”
“If the chance arises, I hope you’ll take it,” Mamm said as Priscilla stepped from the buggy.
She waved goodbye to her family and waited while Mamm turned Butterscotch around and headed down the driveway. Then, after praying for courage, Priscilla knocked on the front door.
“Come in,” Ruth called out.
Like she’d done so many times before, Priscilla turned the knob and entered. Only this time everything had shifted, and nothing would ever be the same.
Ruth waited for her in the kitchen. “Would you like some tea?”
Sipping a hot drink might soothe Priscilla’s nerves. “Danke, that sounds good.”
Ruth had everything set out, and Priscilla lifted the steaming kettle from the stove to pour water into the cups. Then she sat in her usual spot near Ruth.
They both remained silent as they stirred in sugar and took their first sips.
Then Ruth set her cup in the saucer with a small clink. “I’m glad you came. I don’t know who else I can talk to about Matthew. I’m worried. He’s been so secretive lately.”
Despite the tea she’d just swallowed, Priscilla’s mouth went dry. Yes, Matthew had definitely been keeping secrets. From everyone.
“When I found out the two of you were no longer courting, it broke my heart.”
It had broken Priscilla’s as well.
“Matthew said you were the one who ended the relationship.” Ruth sounded close to tears. “I didn’t ask you here to change your mind, but I thought you might know what’s been going on with him.”
Priscilla choked on her tea and took a while to regain her composure.
“I love my son, but he dislikes rules. I never worried when he was with you. Now I’m not so sure.”
She’d be even more concerned if she knew the whole truth. Learning he’d been sneaking around behind her back had been painful for Priscilla, but the fact that he’d lied to the whole church revealed he hadn’t come clean before God. And hiding what he was doing from his mamm and Mara’s daed made it even worse.
Ruth studied her. “One thing confused me about his confession. Why did he do it alone?”
Priscilla took a sip of tea. How did she answer that?
Ruth didn’t give her a chance. “I know you, Priscilla. You’d be the first to confess if you’d done something wrong. You didn’t join him, so there must be a good reason for your silence.”
Jah, a very good reason, but not one she could share with Ruth. Priscilla’s hand trembled a little as she lowered the cup into the saucer and racked her brains for an answer.
“Please look at me, Priscilla,” Ruth commanded. After she’d probed Priscilla with her gaze, she nodded. “I thought so.”
Priscilla hoped her eyes hadn’t revealed any secrets.
Ruth took her hands. “It used to be we could talk about anything, you and I.”
“I know.” Priscilla lowered her eyes.
“Answer me one question: Were you with Matthew that night?”
Ruth somehow had guessed the truth. Tears rushed to Priscilla’s eyes, and she blinked to hold them back. Even Mamm hadn’t had this much faith in Priscilla’s integrity. All the love Priscilla harbored for Ruth washed over her, overwhelming her, so she couldn’t speak.
All it would take was one shake of her head, but Priscilla couldn’t bring herself to confirm Ruth’s fears. Finally, she choked out, “I don’t feel right telling you. Please ask Matthew.”
“That won’t work.” Ruth let go of Priscilla’s hands and clenched the arms of her wheelchair.
The hurt underlying Ruth’s words made Priscilla ache. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re like the daughter I never had.” Ruth’s voice trembled. “Can you at least explain?”
“Please don’t ask me to do that.” Besides, Priscilla had no explanation. She had no idea why Matthew had strayed. Sometimes she blamed herself, but she kept coming back to one point: Matthew should have discussed it with her if he had a problem with her. They could have worked things out.
“I asked you here because Matthew refuses to answer me. I have one more question.” She paused and looked right into Priscilla’s eyes. “Have you been meeting Matthew secretly in the evenings since the bishop suggested you spend time apart?”
Although she didn’t want to and as much as it pained her, Priscilla could answer that. “Neh, I’ve not seen Matthew at all.”
Ruth lowered her head and traced a swollen, arthritic finger around the rim of her empty teacup. “I was afraid of that. I hoped it was you, prayed it was you, but you’d never have kept him out so late.”
Each word was a stab to Priscilla’s bloodied heart. How many nights was Matthew out? The thought of Matthew with Mara—
She refused to allow herself to visualize it. How did Mara’s father not realize what his daughter was doing?
“Is he with someone else?” Although she phrased it as a question, Ruth’s tone indicated certainty. Before Priscilla could respond, Ruth held up a hand. “Never mind. I can see the answer in your eyes.”
Priscilla couldn’t stop the spurt of hot tears that flooded her eyes.
“Do you still love him?” Ruth’s gentle probing opened the wound Priscilla had been trying to conceal.
Priscilla had to be honest. “I don’t know.” And she truly didn’t. A different face intruded on her thoughts. Gabe. Had she ever truly loved Matthew if someone else could distract her that easily?
To give herself time to compose her emotions, Priscilla took the teacups to the kitchen sink and washed them. By the time she returned to the table, Ruth had her eyes closed. Her lips moved as if in prayer.
Priscilla hesitated, reluctant to interrupt. But Mamm would be here soon, and she didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.
Then Ruth lifted her head, her eyes shining. “Everything is in God’s hands. All we need to do is trust.”
Priscilla nodded. That was true. God had everything under control. She could trust His leading.
She’d been dating Matthew since they both turned eighteen. In all that time, she’d never really prayed about their decision to court. It had just seemed right at the time. What if she’d prayed about God’s will? Would she have saved herself this heartbreak?
She wanted to ask Ruth that question. Matthew’s mamm had always proved to be a wise counselor.
As if Ruth had read her thoughts, she reached for Priscilla’s hand and squeezed it. “I’m sure you have many regrets, but the most important thing right now is to ask God what He wants you to learn.”
Ruth’s advice would keep Priscilla from focusing on the past and instead turn her attention to how she needed to live in the present. “I’d better go outside. Mamm should be here soon.”
“I’m glad you came.” The quaver in Ruth’s voice revealed the depth of her feelings.
Priscilla leaned down and hugged her. “Danke for everything.” Then, her eyes misty, she left the house.
To her surprise, her family’s buggy stood in the driveway, and Butterscotch was tied to a post. But where was Mamm? She hadn’t come to the door.
As Priscilla hurried toward the buggy, Mamm’s voice floated from behind the house. Turning, Priscilla followed the driveway around to the barn. When she spotted Matthew, her steps faltered.
He was home from work early. And what was Mamm doing out here with him? Priscilla had a good suspicion.
“I hope you’ll forgive my daughter,” she was saying as Priscilla came up behind her. “I know you two can work things out.”
Matthew shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. “I don’t think—” His eyes widened when he spied Priscilla. He glanced around like a trapped rabbit searching for escape.
“I know Priscilla misses you.”
At those words, Matthew searched her face. Did he think she’d sent Mamm to plead her case? To try to get them back together?
“Mamm?” Priscilla hadn’t intended her tone to be that sharp. But she had to stop her mother from bargaining for a boyfriend.
“Ach, Priscilla, you frightened me. Why were you sneaking around like that?”
Priscilla ignored the question. “What are you doing?”
Mamm’s sheepish smile revealed her guilt. “I was just telling Matthew how much we’ve missed him.”
Matthew glanced at Priscilla, and his gaze skittered away.
“I know he did something he shouldn’t have, but he confessed. You need to forgive him,” Mamm wheedled.
Bile rose in Priscilla’s throat. Jah, he’d confessed. But he hadn’t told the truth.
The daggers she shot in Matthew’s direction hit their mark. He squirmed and ran a finger around the back of his collar. At least he had the grace to look ashamed.
“We should go.” Priscilla took Mamm’s arm and steered her toward the buggy.
“But I want to invite Matthew to supper tomorrow night.”
“Matthew has other plans.” Priscilla kept her voice low.
Mamm dragged her to a stop, and a gleam lit her eyes. “With you?”
“Neh, not with me.” Definitely not with her. Not ever again.
Daed was waiting for them when they arrived home. “I wondered where everyone was. The boys should be out here to help with the milking.”
“I’m sorry we’re late.” Mamm scurried into the kitchen to start supper.
“Just a minute,” Daed said to Priscilla. “You look upset. What’s going on?”
“If I hadn’t interrupted her, I’m afraid Mamm might have tried to convince Matthew to marry me.”
“Ach, I’m sorry. I’ll set her straight.”
Priscilla clutched her hands together. “You’re going to tell her about Matthew?”
Smoothing down his beard, Daed looked troubled. “I don’t think that’ll be necessary.” He beckoned for Priscilla to follow him into the kitchen.
She moved to help Mamm while Daed sat at the table. He cleared his throat, and Mamm looked over at him.
“Esther, Priscilla has broken up with Matthew. I don’t believe he’s the best choice for our daughter.”
“They’ve been dating for years, and you never objected.” Mamm dabbed at her eyes with the edge of her apron.
“I’ve changed my mind, and so has Priscilla. Please don’t try to get them back together.”
“But—but . . .”
Daed rarely gave orders. He preferred to discuss decisions with Mamm or the family, if it concerned them. So one stern gaze proved to be enough to silence her.
But talking to Ruth and running into Matthew had stirred up a hornets’ nest of emotions. And Priscilla endured the sting of each one.