Christine transferred a call to Maddie’s office then continued entering data into the spreadsheet pulled up on the computer in front of her. Megan had called in sick, which was a bad habit the receptionist had on Monday mornings. They’d have to discuss expectations of the job, but for now Christine was filling in at the agency’s front desk.
Two new clients, both looking for large family homes, had everyone feeling a bit more positive about the future. Maddie and Zach were both talented, dedicated Realtors, and Christine knew they’d find a way to overcome the recent setbacks.
She’d do everything she could to support them, even if it meant long hours and little rest. Staying busy was a good distraction from the tightness that had gripped her chest ever since Gavin’s abrupt departure yesterday morning. As promised, he’d texted her last night, but she’d been too emotionally drained to respond with more than a few quick keystrokes.
They’d spent an amazing night together, but now she felt as unsure about his feelings as she had weeks ago. Did he still see her as a friend doing him a favor? The phrase “friends with benefits” came to mind, causing pain to slice across her stomach. That wasn’t what she wanted from Gavin...from any man. Christine wasn’t built for a casual fling and mentally kicked herself for believing it was more.
Needing a short break to clear her head, she popped over to Facebook. A sidebar advertisement for a popular Hill Country wedding venue on the screen, and she couldn’t help but click on the link.
A moment later she sighed as she looked through the slideshow of charming, rustic wedding snapshots. The couples looked so happy, and she could clearly imagine futures of babies, family holidays and years filled with both laughter and tears. Not that her biological clock was exactly ticking at the moment, but she wanted to marry and have a family one day. It wasn’t difficult to picture children with blond hair running through a backyard or cuddling up with a mini version of Gavin to read a bedtime story.
“Oh. My. God.”
She started as Molly hovered over her shoulder.
Christine clicked the mouse, wanting to navigate away from the jeweler’s website, but the young Realtor swatted at her hand.
“You’re making plans,” she said, excitement clear in her tone. “You and Gavin are really getting married. April is the perfect month for a wedding. It’s not hot as an oven yet, and the bluebonnets will be blooming.”
Christine shook her head. “I told you we want a long engagement not—”
“Did you say an April wedding?” Jenna joined them, leaning over the reception desk with wide eyes. “I bet Gavin will have a whole bunch of hot groomsmen.”
“If Gavin’s friends are half as hot as him, it’s going to be the best weekend ever,” Molly said with a laugh. “Christine, you are the luckiest woman on the planet.”
“Why is Christine lucky?”
Jenna whirled around and Molly straightened as Gavin approached the desk. Christine lifted a hand to her cheek, knowing she must be blushing tomato-red. How much had he heard of her coworkers’ ridiculous conversation?
“No reason,” she told him, rising from the chair and straightening the hem of her silk blouse. “What are you doing here?”
“Come on, now.” Molly grabbed Christine’s arms and pushed her around the side of the desk. “Is that any way to greet your future bride? We were just talking about your April wedding. How many groomsmen are you planning to have? I’m just curious, you know?”
Christine squeezed shut her eyes for a quick moment and prayed for the floor to open up and swallow her whole. When everything remained the same, she glanced at Gavin with a shake of her head, mouthing “sorry.”
To her utter shock, he seemed to take the whole situation in stride. He flashed his charming grin at first Molly and then Jenna. “Christine will make a beautiful spring bride.”
The two women practically melted to the carpet even as Christine felt her normally nonexistent temper rise to the surface.
“Molly,” she said with a calm she didn’t feel, “could you watch the phones for a minute? I’d like to talk to Gavin in private.”
“Private,” Molly repeated in a singsong voice. “I know what that’s code for.”
Christine gave her a withering stare. “No. You. Don’t.”
The woman’s smile faded, and she slid into the receptionist’s chair as if a teacher had just reprimanded her. “Take all the time you need,” she said.
Jenna nodded. “I can help, too.”
“Thank you. We’ll be in my office.” She raised an eyebrow in Gavin’s direction, and when he winked, she thought she might feel steam coming out of her ears. She turned and stalked down the hall to her office.
“I like the sound of private,” he said as he closed the door behind them.
“Are you out of your mind?” she demanded through clenched teeth. She wanted to scream the words, but the last thing she needed was Maddie or Valene, who was still in town from the weekend, running in to check on them.
“I don’t think so.” He took a step toward her, but she held up a hand, palm out.
“You let them believe we were getting married in three months.”
Gavin was staring at her left hand, and she quickly pulled it to her side when she realized she was shaking.
“They seemed to be under that impression before I arrived on the scene.”
“It was a mistake,” she whispered, her cheeks growing hot again. “I was trying to correct it. We’re supposed to be having a long engagement. Long enough that it will seem natural when it ends.”
He shrugged. “What does the timing matter? It doesn’t hurt anyone.”
Me, she wanted to shout. This whole thing is hurting me. Killing me.
She drew in a deep breath. She would not break down in front of him. “What’s going on between us?” she asked quietly.
He blinked then said, “We’re friends.”
Oh, gah. The friend zone. Was there anything worse?
“You’re scheduled to return to Denver next week. What happens then?”
She held up her hand, the diamond flashing under the office’s fluorescent lights. “What about this?”
“I’ve been thinking about that.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at a spot beyond her shoulder. “I know this thing started as a favor. You helping me out to distract my family.”
She nodded and wished she’d never agreed to any of it.
“But we’ve had a ton of fun these past few weeks. It’s been a blast.”
A blast. A blast right through her heart.
“What are you saying, Gavin?”
He met her gaze then, but she couldn’t read the expression in his eyes. He smiled, all easy charm, and it was like looking at a stranger.
“Austin’s a quick flight to Denver. We can still hang out. Long weekends. Holidays. I come down to Texas often enough.”
“So we’d keep dating?” Christine pressed a hand to her chest. Somehow she thought she’d be overjoyed at his words. He didn’t want their time together to end. But the ache in her heart grew deeper with every passing second.
“That’s the plan. Of course we’d have to deal with the pretend engagement but—”
“You’d be my boyfriend?”
He lifted one hand and massaged the back of his neck. “If you want to put a label on it.”
Her eyes narrowed, and he must have realized that was the wrong answer, because he flashed a sheepish smile. A “getting out of the dog house” smile.
“We spent the night together,” she told him.
“It was wonderful,” he agreed. “When I think about you in my arms, it makes me want—”
“Then you left,” she interrupted, needing to keep this conversation on track. Even if she felt like the two of them were stuck on a runaway train heading for certain disaster. “You rushed out of there like I’d done something wrong.”
“Not you, Christine. Never you.” He shook his head. “But this arrangement started with me asking you to live a lie. I feel like I’ve taken advantage of you, and the fact that we slept together only makes it worse.”
Ouch. Just when she thought the pain couldn’t cut any deeper, Gavin managed it.
“I’ve got my life in Denver,” he continued, running a hand through his hair. “You’re here.”
“A quick flight away,” she muttered, repeating his words.
“I never imagined things would go this way. I care about you, more than I ever thought possible.”
It was difficult to focus on his words over the roaring in her own ears. Christine had spent most of her life feeling like she wasn’t enough. That she shouldn’t expect too much. That scraps of affection or love with conditions placed on them were her lot in life.
Being with Gavin had changed that. She’d changed, and even if it meant losing him, she wasn’t willing to go back to being the doormat she’d been before.
“I love you,” she said quietly and the words felt right on her tongue. Based on the stricken look that crossed Gavin’s face before he schooled his features, he hadn’t been expecting her to say them. She tried for a smile, but it felt as if her cheeks were made of ice. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t even want it to happen.” She managed a hoarse laugh. “You’re kind of irresistible.”
“I’m not,” he immediately countered.
“I wish that were the case,” she told him. “Do you know I’ve had a crush on you forever?”
He shook his head, his jaw going slack.
“Yeah,” she breathed. “So when you asked me to pose as your girlfriend—and then fiancée—for a few weeks, it was a no-brainer.” She made a fist and gently knocked on the side of her head. “Turns out I should have thought it through a little more. I thought it would be a fun lark, you know? My chance with a guy so far out of my league it’s like we aren’t even playing the same sport.”
“That’s not true,” he whispered.
“Which is exactly my problem,” she admitted, crossing her arms over her chest. “Because you made me believe we had a chance. I lost sight of the lark part of things and began to believe what was happening between us was real.”
“Christine, you have to understand—”
“Let me finish, Gavin. I need to say this, and you need to understand it.” She pressed a hand to her hammering heart. “I’m more than I ever believed, and you helped me see that. I wish I could have gotten there on my own, but I’ll be forever grateful for the gift you’ve given me. I know now that I deserve all my hopes and dreams coming true when it comes to love.”
“You do.”
“You deserve to believe in yourself, too.”
He took a step back as if she’d hit him, then gave a startled laugh. “I don’t think my self-esteem was ever in question.”
“There’s more to you than your career and your penchant for hurtling yourself down treacherous mountains or climbing sheer rock faces or any of the other extreme activities you do.”
“I don’t think so,” he said with another hollow laugh. “All that extreme business keeps me pretty busy.”
“You’re a good man.” She ignored his attempt to add levity to their conversation. “You have a big heart and a protective streak a mile long. You’re dedicated and kind—”
“Tell that to the companies that I’ve managed to put out of business for the firm’s clients.”
“You have so much to give if you’d allow yourself to see it. I can imagine you as a husband and a father—”
He held up his hands. “Whoa, there.”
But she wasn’t finished. “I can imagine growing old with you and being at your side for whatever life brings. I don’t want a casual, long-distance...whatever with you, Gavin. I want it all.” She swiped at her cheeks when tears clouded her vision. “I deserve it all.”
“Yes,” he whispered then closed his eyes. When he opened them again, the emotion she’d seen there moments earlier had vanished, and she had to wonder if she’d imagined it in the first place. “But what if I’m not the man to give it to you?”
She drew in a breath and said the words that she’d never expected to utter. The words that broke her heart. “Then I’ll find it with someone else.”
Gavin stared at her as if he couldn’t believe she’d be able to dismiss him so easily. But it wasn’t easy. It felt as though she’d reached into her own chest to squeeze her heart until she could barely tolerate the pain. At the same time there was no doubt in her mind that she’d walk away if he couldn’t give her what she wanted.
As hard as she’d fallen for him over these past few weeks, she’d also learned to value herself. She wanted to be with a man who could do the same, and while it might destroy her to have to accept Gavin wasn’t that man, it was a chance she had to take.
“I don’t know what to say,” he admitted.
That simple statement made her shoulders sag. It seemed so obvious. She’d laid her heart out bare to him. He could cradle it in his arms or walk away and ignore her feelings or, worse, stomp all over her love for him. She hoped beyond hope that he’d choose her, that she hadn’t misread or created in her own mind the deep emotion she saw in his green eyes.
“I think,” she whispered, slipping the diamond ring from her finger and holding out to him, “that tells us both everything we need to know.”
He stared at her for several long moments and then took the ring from her, shoving it into his pocket. She hated to see the pain in his gaze. Even though her own heart was breaking, it didn’t give her any relief to know that Gavin was just as unhappy with this turn of events.
Still, she wouldn’t compromise on what she knew she deserved. Not for him or anyone.
“You should probably go,” she whispered, gesturing to her desk crowded with files. “I have a lot to get through this afternoon.”
He gave a jerky nod but didn’t leave. It was as if he was rooted in place, unable to move forward or back.
“Gavin, please. Don’t make this harder on either of us.”
“So it’s the end?” he asked as if he couldn’t quite believe it.
And she wasn’t willing to cut him off entirely. It would be like chopping off her own arm. “For now. We’ll still be friends...of a sort. Unless...”
He swayed toward her, pulled by an invisible thread. “Unless what?”
Her mouth felt like it was filled with sawdust. How was she supposed to answer? She’d told him she loved him, and he’d given her nothing in return. “I’m not sure,” she admitted. “Maybe one of us will figure it out.”
“Okay, then,” he said, his tone hollow. “Goodbye, Christine. For now.”
Then he turned and walked away.