Day 18 / 14:17
‘When-I-was-little, I had stomach aches when I had to do something in-front-of-other people.’ Simon’s reading from his ‘5 Things’ list, the words coming out in spurts. ‘Just thinking about it made-me-sick, my heart would beat-really-quickly and I couldn’t breathe. If Mom said people were-were coming-to-our-house, I’d feel a headache, a weird sort of pressure-in-my-head and I’d get dizzy, room spinning like it-would-never-stop. All I wanted was to stay-in-my-room, never-come-out. I still want to do that.’ Simon smiles wryly and for a moment he looks his age, not ten years older.
‘“That’s not an option, Simon. It’s-simply-not-an option.” That’s what Mom says. And Gran—’ he stops. ‘Gran says, “Get-that-boy-to-a-doctor-Ingrid-my-bet-is-constipation.”’
‘You’re kidding, right?’ Juliet’s voice is amazed.
‘No.’ Another small deprecating smile. He clears his throat again and looks at his list. ‘Okay. Last-thing. My body still reacts the-sameway, only now I-can-add depression and panic attacks-to-the-list.’
He looks over to Ms Turner. ‘Is-that, is-that enough? You said to try reading out five-things about how-my body-feels. And why.’
‘It’s not a freaking test, man,’ Morné says. Sadie sniggers.
Simon sits further back and folds his list into ever-tighter squares.
Ms Turner leans forward and manages to catch his eye. ‘You might want to file that, Simon,’ she says. ‘Put the date on it. It’s the first thing you’ve read out in group. Thank you.’ She gives him a huge smile and he ducks his head, his cheeks flaming.
‘Right then. Does anyone else want to say something?’
Noah’s hand is in his pocket, pebbles slipping through his fingers.
It’s time.
Oh no, it’s not. It is absolutely not time.
But if he doesn’t start now, he never will. He takes a deep breath, raises his hand. He’s got his lists. He’s not using the sheets any more, he’s writing them out in the back of his current notebook.
And now he’s ready to share, but he’s going to be careful. He won’t give anything away. It’s taken him a while to decide what to say; he’s going to have to adjust his timetable to make up for minutes lost (43, to be precise), but it’s been worth it. He’s making an effort, following Juliet’s advice, and so Ms Turner will see that he’s prepared to try. On top of that, he’s volunteered to speak.
‘Noah?’ She sounds surprised, but she wasn’t in his room, feeling sick, heart hammering, when Juliet told him about The Work. It’s got capitals now. ‘Do The Work if you want to get out of here on time.’
He doesn’t want to get out of here. He has to.
He flicks to the back of his notebook and clears his throat.
‘Interesting facts.’
Noah reads his heading and then he pauses.
‘1. The English language has 5 vowel sounds.’
Everyone looks at Ms Turner.
‘That’s not—’ Sadie’s objecting, but Ms Turner holds up a hand. ‘Let’s not worry too much about that. Let Noah finish.’
She nods at him and he clears his throat.
‘2. 5 lines hold music in place, ref. also pentatonic scale.’
Ms Turner smiles and nods again, so he continues.
‘3. Olympians are linked by 5 circles, each representing a continent of the world.’
Sadie’s nudging Morné, but he ignores her.
‘4. A pentagon has 5 sides.’ He throws more information in without saying anything significant – just facts. ‘The Castle of Good Hope in Cape Town is a star fort, containing a pentagon inside its outer walls.’ Don’t you see, he wants to add, 5 inside 5, but he doesn’t, just like he doesn’t tell them any more than he has to about …
‘5. Pentamerous symmetry. This is seen in echinoderms like sea urchins and starfish. Radial symmetry divides their bodies into 5 equal parts.’ He tells them that if starfish lose one limb they can grow another. He doesn’t elaborate on how long that takes, or that he wishes he had that ability.
He closes his eyes, feels the comfort of the pebbles in his pocket.
‘Thank you, Noah. I’m so glad you’ve shared one of your lists. Have you written others?’
Of course you have, and she knows it. Very devious.
Ms Turner’s not trying to be sneaky, however. ‘Encouraging’ is a better word. ‘When you’re ready to share again, we’d all love to hear. Right?’ She looks around the small circle – well, not quite a circle, but Noah’s not going there now – and everyone nods. Juliet smiles and gives him a thumbs up; Simon looks relieved that the spotlight’s off him.
Greenhills sends every parent written reports, and Noah’s pretty sure Dr Lovelock gets them too. ‘Noah has shown a marked willingness to participate in group sessions.’ That’s what he wants Ms Turner to write in his next one. And he hopes she’ll have more words of praise to add. For today, though, he’s done enough. Now he just has to concentrate on keeping his fingers still, at least until the end of group.
‘It’s not fair,’ Sadie whines. Morné nods in agreement. ‘He didn’t say things about him, Ms Turner. What’s the point, if he doesn’t do things properly?’
If she only knew. You have told them an enormous amount. This Sadie is not good at picking up clues.
That’s right. Behind every fact Noah has recited to the group, there’s much more. Looking up words. Weighing one word against another. Balancing the strength carried in, say, pentacle …
He stops on that thought.
Quite right. Never give away more than you have to.