Day 19 / 04:13
Running feet on a cinder track. Noah shifts, his legs quivering under his sheet. He’s doing laps and each time he crosses the 400-metre mark the stopwatch clicks and his speed is recorded on the brightly lit board. He pushes himself on, further and faster and longer. He stops, eases the stitch in his side, gasping, pulling air into his aching lungs. And then the clock clicks, the numbers grow and he sets off again, trying to keep up the pace.
Tick-tock, Noah. Tick-tock. You cannot afford to lose a second.
He will never tell Ms Turner about this clock. If he does, she will keep prodding, trying to find out what it means. She will want to find out where these thoughts come from, as if mapping the inside of Noah’s head will lead her to knowledge and understanding.
Really, he’s being kind to her. He wants to save her the fuss of trying to comprehend the workings of his mind. There’s nothing here for you, he wants to tell her, but that won’t work, because her ears will prick up and her eyes will focus on him, her gaze will narrow and pin him down.
‘Nothing? What do you mean, when you say “nothing”, Noah? What does nothing mean to you?’ That’s what she’ll ask.
He’s tired. Beating the clock is exhausting and the last thing he needs is Ms Turner taking him through each of those laps, trying to make sense of a meaningless dream. Noah sets no store by his dreams, so why should Ms Turner?
Honestly? There’s an area of your life that you don’t obsess over?
Noah has no choice but to speak to Ms Turner, answer her questions. But if she starts with more dream questions, she’ll want to talk about his running dreams. She’ll ask: ‘Are you running away from something, Noah? Do you like the feeling of running?’ He wishes he had never told her about his dream of freedom. That’s what she’s calling it now and all because one day she asked him about his dreams, and he told her that running felt like freedom. The word was on his lips and off his tongue before he could swallow it down. He’d only said that to keep her quiet, give her something to think about, instead of talk-talk-talking. Noah is all about time, and Ms Turner is all about talk.