Does this scene sound familiar? A friend or coworker asks you to do something that you really do not want to do, but you give in and agree to do it anyway. Then, later, another friend finds out and scolds you, saying, “Why in the world did you agree to that? You have got to be more assertive!” You now feel confused. Maybe you should have stood up for yourself; however, you did not want to seem pushy and selfish. You may not have asserted yourself because you thought it would cause stress, but it turns out that not asserting yourself is causing you stress, too.
Many people have a great deal of difficulty asserting themselves in a variety of situations. Some of these people are generally unassertive across almost all of life’s settings, whereas others may simply have trouble asserting themselves in one or two situations. In either case, lacking assertiveness can often be the source of a great deal of stress in people’s lives. This may be due to the worry and guilt they experience when they do try and assert themselves. Or it may be due to the anger and frustration they feel when they find themselves doing things that they just don’t have time for and really should not be doing. Being more assertive therefore is an excellent way to make your environment less stressful (for example, doing less unnecessary work, getting help from people, and so on). We don’t have space in this book to fully discuss all aspects of assertiveness training, but we will outline the key principles. If, at the end of this chapter, you feel that you need more help with assertiveness, you could check out one of several popular books on the market that cover the topic in detail or enroll in an assertiveness training course at a community health center, educational institution, or other public facility.
Before discussing how to be assertive, it is important that we clear up any misconceptions about assertiveness. Being assertive does not mean always getting your way. Rather, being assertive means developing a feel for your rights in a situation and feeling comfortable asking others to respect those rights. At the same time, you need to respect the rights of others and take those into account when deciding to act.
Psychologists distinguish between three types of behavior: unassertive, aggressive, and assertive. When you are unassertive, you let others always get their way, because you put their needs ahead of your own. When you are aggressive, you stomp over others because you see your needs as more important than the needs of others. But when you are assertive, you feel confident enough to express your own needs while at the same time acknowledging the needs of others. Some examples of the different types of expression are illustrated below.
Examples of Unassertive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behavior
The key to assertiveness is to insist on what you want only when it is appropriate. There are times when you really should insist on having your way, even if it causes some inconvenience to someone else. But there are other times when you have to put your own needs aside because the other person’s needs are even more important. The trick is to learn the difference. Realistic thinking techniques can help in this process, as illustrated in the case studies below.
Rhani had been repeatedly asked out on dates by Rod, a friend of her brother. Rhani had no interest in dating Rod. Although she made excuses whenever he asked her out, she told us that the situation was making her uncomfortable. We asked, “What would happen if you told Rod you did not want to go out with him?” Rhani replied that Rod would be hurt. But when she looked at that thought realistically, she realized that after all the times she had already said no, there was probably only a 50 percent chance that Rod would be hurt. Further, Rhani realized that she had been imagining a dire consequence of Rod’s being hurt. She was assuming that he would never get over it. Even more, she believed that if Rod did not get over the rejection, it would be her fault.
Thinking realistically, Rhani saw that Rod probably would recover quite well if she asserted herself and told him she was not interested in dating him. And if he didn’t recover, it would be Rod’s responsibility, not hers. Rhani was not being nasty or cruel, but was realizing that she could not be expected to take responsibility for other people’s feelings. In other words, if Rod took the chance of asking her out, he had to be prepared for her to say no, and Rhani could not be expected to do something she did not want to do just to keep Rod happy. If she did, the situation might never end. In other words, Rhani realized that she had a right to say no, and that in this case her right outweighed any consideration she might have for Rod’s feelings. Importantly, however, Rhani had considered Rod’s feelings and hadn’t just blindly ignored them. When it came time for Rhani to be assertive, she was able to let Rod know that she had understood his feelings, but she was still able to clearly tell him that she didn’t want to go out with him.
Erik wanted to ask for a week off from work, only a month after he had taken a vacation, to make a final effort with his university work and finish his degree. Erik’s initial thought was that his boss would say no. Realistically, however, he had to admit that he had no idea what his boss would say; therefore, the probability of a negative answer was only about 50 percent. So Erik asked himself, “What would happen if my boss did say no?” His fear, he realized, was that she would consider him lazy and fire him.
In fact, however, the evidence showed that Erik’s boss had praised him in the past for his hard work. So even if she said no to the time off, she would be highly unlikely to fire him, or even to consider him lazy. Based on his realistic thinking, Erik realized that he should ask for the time off, since there was a chance he would get it, and whether he did or not, his boss would be unlikely to think badly of him or fire him. In addition, he felt that he had a right to ask for the time off since his university studies actually improved his capacity to do his work. In fact, in this case, Erik’s boss did refuse his request but allowed him to take time off the following month. Because Erik had considered that his boss might say no (her right), he did not feel anger or resentment. At least he had a go, and he was going to have time off next month.
There are two main reasons that people may not act assertively. First, many people just do not know the best words to use or know how to act in just the right way to get their point across. These people may try to be assertive but may find themselves being misunderstood or taken advantage of, or they may come across as aggressive and threatening. Most people, however, do know how to be assertive. They just do not feel comfortable doing it, and they are never quite sure when it is the right thing to do. People in this second scenario often have others walk over them because they are worried that others may become angry at them or will not like them if they are assertive.
If you fall into the first category, then it will be useful to learn some strategies to help you get your way in a confident but non-threatening manner. We will discuss some simple strategies below. If you fall into the second group, then you need to treat your unassertiveness as a type of avoidance and then apply the techniques of realistic thinking, evaluating consequences, and prediction testing. By now these should be second nature to you, and we will simply describe some brief examples in this chapter.
Learning to be assertive is fairly straightforward if you keep reminding yourself of the description of assertiveness we discussed above. Yet it is surprising how many people try to assert themselves in awkward ways. Many people either have difficulty getting their message across clearly or come across too strongly or aggressively. Do you remember the technique we learned earlier in the program: changing perspectives? This is a useful technique to employ here. When you want to be assertive with someone, try swapping places (mentally) with her and ask yourself, “If I were in her place, how would I respond to what I am about to say?” If your answer is, “I would feel angry” or “I would ignore it,” then you are not expressing yourself well. Try some different ways of expressing yourself in your head and think about which one might have the best effect. Remember, if you make the other person angry, then she is going to become defensive and you will not get your way. The idea is not to score points or initiate combat, but to create a win-win situation in which you get what you want while at the same time the other person feels satisfied.
The most important thing is to use your common sense and think about how you are most likely to get your message across effectively. People are much more likely to listen if you are clear and confident in your expression and manner. They are more likely to help you if they understand your perspective and don’t feel as though you are antagonistic toward them. Here are some simple rules to follow:
1. Watch your nonverbal actions.
Your message will be more likely to be heard and listened to if you give a confident and clear picture. Good eye contact, an upright, relaxed posture, and a clear voice give the image of someone who knows what he wants and is confident of getting it. When you look at the ground, shuffle your feet, or mumble, you give the impression that you are shifty or that you are not sure that you really want what you are asking for.
However, you also need to make sure that you don’t come across as too overbearing. Make sure you don’t stand too close, don’t stare, and definitely keep your voice calm and level. Yelling only makes people defensive.
2. Be empathetic.
Remember, being assertive involves acknowledging that the other person in the situation also has rights and that they are important. When you make an assertive comment, you are much more likely to be listened to if you let the other person know that you recognize his or her side of the situation. For example, consider the following two statements: “I want you to stay back and finish this paperwork” and “I realize that you want to get home, but I need you to stay back and finish this paperwork.” In the second statement, you are letting the person know that you realize that your request will cause an inconvenience. By acknowledging this, you are telling the person that her needs are of concern to you, but that you consider your needs more urgent at this time.
3. Use “I” statements.
“I” statements refer to talking about yourself when you say something, instead of talking in generalities. In other words, you should own your feelings. This is particularly important when you are expressing negative feelings. Consider the following two statements: “People have trouble breathing when you smoke in here” and “My breathing is irritated when you smoke in here.” The first statement leaves you open to argument and resentment: “What do you know about people’s breathing?” With the second statement, there is no possibility for argument, and it also gives the impression that you are being open and honest.
4. Describe the causes and effects.
Letting people know the entire situation, rather than simply making a demand, is much more likely to convince them that your rights and desires are important. In particular, when you want people to change something, it is useful to tell them exactly what it is that you want changed and why. For example, consider the following two demands: “Will you stop talking?” and “When you talk, it is hard for me to hear the film.” The second version clearly indicates the behavior you are not happy with and its effect on you and is much more likely to be complied with and less likely to cause offense.
5. Suggest an alternative.
Following from the above rule, making a suggestion to people about alternative behavior that would be acceptable to you will further help to diffuse the situation. For example, something like the following would be good: “When you talk, it is hard for me to hear the film. Perhaps you could chat in the next room.” By making a reasonable suggestion to people about how they could change, you are letting them know that you accept their right to do what they are doing. This strategy suggests that you are trying to find a mutually satisfactory solution.
At times, no matter how careful you are with your assertiveness, you will find other people becoming aggressive toward you. This can be a source of intense stress. No one likes to be abused. Here are some suggestions for trying to minimize or combat aggression without becoming too stressed.
1. Don’t buy in.
The main rule with aggression is not to buy into it and start being aggressive in return. When you are aggressive toward someone who is angry, it will only serve to increase their anger, and the whole interaction can spiral out of control. It is even better to back off and try again at a later time and place than to fuel the anger.
2. Keep calm.
The best way for you to diffuse someone’s anger is to stay calm and in control. If you have a spare few seconds while the other person is being angry, try using your realistic thinking to help you control your own feelings. Is the other person really better than you? Is the other person really going to hit you? Is the other person going to get his or her way? Does it matter if the other person doesn’t like you? And so on. Once you are able to calm your feelings, try to back this up with your manner. It is very hard for someone to get carried away with aggression if you are looking them confidently in the eye, speaking in a gentle, quiet manner, and standing in a relaxed, nonaggressive stance.
3. Use “I” statements.
As with the point above, it is much harder for someone to argue with you and get angrier if you own your own feelings and don’t make broad sweeping statements.
4. Be empathetic.
Similarly, it is hard to be angry with someone who seems to understand your side of the story. Rather than just trying to force your view on the other person, try acknowledging his or her perspective. You are then much more likely to get your message across successfully.
5. Point out assumptions.
Sometimes people’s anger is based on unstated assumptions or misunderstandings. Rather than simply hearing what the person is saying to you on a superficial level, try to step back a little mentally and see the situation from his side. Try to understand the underlying assumptions behind the person’s anger. If you realize that there is a misunderstanding or that you are talking at cross purposes, you can then feed that back to the person in a calm and objective manner.
Finally, in some cases, it is just not possible to totally diffuse the situation. In these cases, it is often useful to repeat your message over and over. Each time, you should begin by acknowledging what the other person is saying, but then simply go on and repeat your message. For example, “I would like to see the manager, please,” “Yes, I realize that it is very late, but I really do need to see the manager,” “I know you would like to get home, but it is important for me to see the manager,” and so on. Obviously, if the situation looks as though it might become violent, or you are really going to get nowhere, it is always better to back off and try again at a later time when everyone has calmed down.
As we discussed above, possibly the main reason most people do not act assertively is not because they don’t know how to express themselves, but because they worry about the effects of assertive behavior on others. In particular, they might worry that others will think they are pushy, aggressive, or demanding and that they will get angry or not like them. The stress management techniques that you have learned in earlier sections of this program will help you deal with these types of worries. In particular, you need to use realistic thinking and prediction testing to convince yourself that being assertive does not mean that other people won’t like you or think you are pushy.
Realistic thinking, for example, can help you understand your reluctance to assert yourself. Clearly, a person who goes around demanding his or her own way all the time is not going to be too popular. But if you use assertiveness appropriately, after weighing the pros and cons in a given situation, people will respect you for standing up for your rights. Try asking yourself such realistic thinking questions as, “How likely is it that this person will be angry at me?” and “What is the worst that can happen if I ask?” The best form of evidence can often come by putting yourself in the other person’s place, as we discussed in Step 4. For example, you could switch roles in your mind and ask yourself, “If this person were to ask the same favor of me, would I be angry?” In most cases, you will find that the answer is “no.”
You might also want to look at your lack of assertiveness as a kind of avoidance and use prediction testing, as we discussed in Step 5. The first step is to identify the situations that you would normally avoid due to your negative predictions about being assertive. We have listed some common situations and examples below. Place a check next to the ones that apply to you:
Once you have identified the assertiveness situations that you avoid, it is time to start prediction testing. Use your Prediction Testing Record From to record your initial predictions, the evidence you will need to observe, and the outcome. Remember that you can do your assertiveness prediction testing slowly and gradually if you find it too stressful. Start with situations you find less challenging (such as asking your partner for a favor) and build up to those that are more challenging (like saying no to your boss). Don’t forget to use your Prediction Testing Record Form for every assertiveness task that you do.
Assertiveness, like the other techniques you have tried, improves with practice. The more you act assertively, the easier it will become and you will find yourself having to deal with fewer unnecessary tasks or being loaded down less with work that you really shouldn’t have to do.
We will end this lesson with Anne’s case. You may remember that Anne had done some realistic thinking about asking her adult daughter, Ellie, to prepare the evening meals. This nervousness about asking others for help was a common feature in Anne’s life, and greatly contributed to her stress. To address this problem, Anne worked out a list of assertiveness tasks to practice, which is shown here:
Ask Ellie to help with the evening meals.
Ask my friend Belle for a ride to yoga class.
Ask a colleague for help on a work project.
Ask my husband if he could take responsibility for grocery shopping from now on.
Tell Tom I can’t loan him money.
Ask my boss to make some time to discuss my career goals.
Anne decided to start with the easier tasks, at the top of her list, and build up her confidence before attempting the harder ones at the bottom. For each task that she did, she practiced realistic thinking in her head. She then used her Prediction Testing Record to help test out her predictions. You can see part of her form here:
Anne found that practicing being assertive, and testing her predictions, reduced her stress considerably. She realized that most people in her life were reasonable and responded positively to her assertive requests. The exception was her brother Tom, who was known by all the family to have a bad temper. Anne accepted that she would always feel a little stressed about interacting with Tom because of his temper problems. What helped her here was her realistic thinking— she reminded herself that the temper was his problem, not hers. She also reminded herself that she was an adult and entitled to make her own decisions. She didn’t need to agree with everything Tom said or wanted. Finally, Anne practiced keeping calm and repeating her message over and over, rather than becoming upset and backing down. This helped her to feel more confident and in control.
During the following week, try to pause before automatically agreeing to do things for other people. Once you break the habit of saying “yes” automatically, you can try telling people, “I’ll think about whether I can do that for you, and get back to you.” This is an interim step to learning to say “no” when you know immediately that you do not want to, or cannot, take on the additional responsibility.
You may find that the people in your life are a little disappointed at first to find that they can no longer rely on you to agree to their demands. But you will also find that you resent them less for imposing on you, and you may want to reconsider relationships that seem based solely on your contributions—acquaintances who are never able to fulfill your requests but always expect you to help them out.
Keep filling in your
Daily Stress Record
Progress Chart
Prediction Testing Record
Staying Present Record
• Lack of assertiveness is a major cause of stress for many people. In this lesson we looked at ways in which you could learn to be more assertive and save yourself a lot of stress in the long run.
• We discussed the definition of assertiveness and saw that being assertive means accepting both your own and the other person’s rights.
• We looked at some strategies to help you get your message across better. These included:
• Using clear and confident nonverbal actions.
• Owning your own feelings.
• Clearly spelling out the reasons for your feelings.
• Coming up with possible alternatives.
• We also looked at ways of diffusing someone else’s aggression.
• The main points were:
• Keep and act calm.
• Own your feelings.
• Let the other person know that you can see their side of the issue.
• Finally, we looked at how you can use the techniques we learned earlier, especially realistic thinking and prediction testing, to help you become more comfortable with the idea of being assertive. Just like the other skills you have learned through this program, being assertive takes practice.
• Some people do not find asserting themselves difficult. If you are one of them, you can skip this assignment. But if assertiveness has been a problem for you, you should make a list of assertiveness situations for practice and prediction testing. You may not be able to plan opportunities to refuse other people’s requests, but over the next week you should try to notice when you agree to do something. Ask yourself afterward if you really want to do, and have time for, whatever you agreed to do.