From the outside, Joe looked like a classic success story. At age 45, he owned a profitable business, had a beautiful family, and had just built a new home. Inside, however, Joe felt miserable. Although he stayed at work later and later each night, he never seemed to accomplish enough. When he finally arrived home, his head was pounding, and he yelled at his children so often that they began to shy away from him. Nothing made Joe happy—not his business, not his family, and, most of all, not himself. Each day brought new irritations, until one day Joe looked around and realized that he was hurting everything and everyone that mattered to him.
Stress was ruining Joe’s life. He is not alone. Stress is a common problem facing people in today’s complex world. You can’t see it, hear it, or smell it, yet stress can threaten both your physical health and psychological well-being.
If you are a chronic worrier, if you push yourself toward perfection each day and then punish yourself for all that you have not accomplished, then you are waging your own battle with stress. Perhaps you are irritable and tense most of the time, and your doctor has said that stress is causing your headaches and upset stomach.
Different people react to stress in different ways. Whatever your own response may be, it is important to know one thing: You can learn to master stress and the problems it causes you. Our 10-step program will help you identify what is causing your stress, teach you to relax, and show you how to think more realistically. It will also give you strategies for dealing with the stressful events life can throw at you. You will emerge calmer and more in control. Picking up this book was your first move toward these goals.
The program presented in this book is the result of over three decades of research, first at the Center for Stress and Anxiety Disorders at the State University of New York at Albany and, more recently, at the Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders, Boston University. This is the largest research center of its kind in the world, and, in recent years, researchers at the center have learned more about stress than was ever known before. In Australia, we have continued this research in the Centre for Emotional Health at Macquarie University. Hundreds of people who have come to these clinics for help have followed a program like this one and found themselves much better able to cope with stress.
We have selected four case studies that we will follow throughout the book as they apply each of the 10 steps. These case studies are based on combinations of actual patients we have seen in our clinics. You will see that they have a range of backgrounds and life circumstances, and experience their stress in different ways. Perhaps you will relate to one or more of them. We hope that their examples will illustrate how you can apply our 10 steps to reduce stress in your own life.
In recent years, we have come to realize just how important controlling stress can be for our well-being. It has become clear that stress can interfere with many parts of our lives—stress increases the chance of developing diseases, it increases work absenteeism, it can lead to relationship difficulties and interpersonal strain, and it can increase the risk of turning to artificial relaxation such as drugs and alcohol. On the extreme side, stress increases the risk of developing serious illnesses in the future, and even on the mild side, stress can reduce our enjoyment of life. Stress claims from workers’ compensation have been on the rise. Stress costs the community vast amounts of money each year—both from direct medical and legal claims and from indirect costs associated with missed work, divorce, and accidents. So, as you can see, reducing your stress will be of tremendous benefit, not only to you personally, but also to the community as a whole.
This book is for people who would like to use effective, research-based techniques to reduce their levels of stress or anxiety. The 10 steps outlined in this book are based on years of psychological research at leading universities. This research has tested the techniques with many people, ranging from those with ordinary, day-to-day stress through to those whose stress is so overwhelming that it is interfering with their ability to relate to their families and friends, accomplish what they need to at work, or generally enjoy life. Regardless of whether your stress is occasional or ongoing, you will likely benefit from implementing the techniques in this book.
This book is NOT for you if:
• You are looking for a “quick fix” solution to your stress that doesn't involve any effort on your part. Simply reading the book will not be effective. For the techniques to work, they must be practiced regularly.
• You are currently experiencing clinical depression. Clinical depression is different from the temporary feelings of sadness, flatness, or grief that most people experience from time to time. Clinical depression is a mood disorder that involves persistent feelings of sadness or flatness for most of the day, nearly every day, for a period of two weeks or more. People who are clinically depressed also experience a range of other persistent symptoms, such as ongoing problems with sleep and appetite, disinterest in things they used to enjoy, and feelings of worthlessness. If this sounds like you, we recommend that you seek assistance from your family doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist without delay. With professional treatment, it is likely that your mood will improve. You will then be in a much better position to work through this book.
While there are many books on stress on the market, this program differs from most for some important reasons.
As described above, this program has been scientifically developed and tested to ensure that it is the most effective way to master stress. While many other books are based simply on the authors’ ideas and opinions, the elements of this program have been extensively tested. In order to test this extensively, hundreds of stressed individuals have completed the program and have been compared with stressed people who were not on the program to objectively demonstrate its effectiveness.
Rather than simply listing various techniques in a random manner, this book describes a systematic program that sets out how to learn and integrate the relevant techniques into your life in a step-by-step fashion. We also follow four case studies so that, for every step, you get clear illustrations of how the techniques are applied. The record forms we provide will help you to apply the techniques in your own life. These can be photocopied or downloaded from the following website: www.oup.com/us/ttw.
The techniques we describe are common-sense procedures that work when they are applied in a consistent and systematic manner to the problems in your life. We don’t sell these techniques as “cure-alls” but emphasize the importance of regular practice. Most important, we don’t try to claim that the program described in this book will magically lift away your stress. Rather, we reinforce the importance of making these techniques a part of your daily life—a lifestyle approach.
The only person who can change your stress level is you. Our program can help, but the motivation and the time must come from you. If you work hard, you will be rewarded. People who have completed this program report that they are enjoying life more and that their friends and family enjoy them more.
In the chapters that follow, you will be learning new skills—new ways of thinking, acting, and organizing your life. The key term you will hear over and over is practice. If you practice these skills, and practice hard, we are confident you will learn to master your stress.
The goal is not to eliminate all stress but rather to reduce your stress to a manageable level. None of us can live without a little stress in our lives.
If you have been troubled by stress for a long time, a doctor may have prescribed a tranquilizer or other medication for you. It is perfectly acceptable to continue taking those medications while working through the lessons in this program. If you wish to stop your regularly prescribed medication during or after this program, we recommend that you consult your doctor.
It is also important to recognize that life is full of unfortunate happenings—divorce, illness, death of loved ones—all of which can cause stress. Obviously, this program cannot cancel a divorce or bring someone you loved back to life. What it will do is help you deal with your reactions to these situations, so that stress does not control your life. The techniques you will learn in this program can also help you find a more direct solution to other types of problems, such as the small, everyday hassles and burdens we all encounter.
It is never easy to find the motivation to accomplish a difficult task, and it is even harder to keep motivated when the rewards are weeks or months away. So before you get started, try these three simple exercises to ease your way into the program:
1.Think about why you want to change.
What is stress doing to the quality of your life? On the chart below, make a list of all the negative effects you can see stress causing. Maybe you lie awake at night worrying about everything you have to do, bicker with your spouse, or make careless errors at work. Examine your life honestly, and write down the negatives caused by stress.
2. Think about how your life will be better once you have mastered stress.
Maybe you will have fewer headaches or less trouble with that nervous stomach. Maybe you will be able to enjoy sitting down and relaxing with friends without worrying about how much you have to do. Also on the chart below, list the positives you aim for in the future. Make a copy of your list and place it in a prominent place, perhaps on the refrigerator or near your bed. When the going gets tough, look at it and think of the positive benefits you are working toward.
3. Devote time to this program.
If you are serious about reducing your stress, you will need to devote plenty of time to this program. You need to read each step, often more than once to really understand it, and you need to practice the exercises many times. It is a good idea to set aside a time each week when you will read over the next step or review where you are and plan your coming week. There is no “set” speed, but mostly you could aim to move to the next step each week. On some steps you may feel you need more practice, and you could stay with a step for two or even three weeks. If you are working through this program with a therapist, your weekly therapy time will serve as the weekly review. So, overall, the whole program should take you around 12 to 15 weeks.
We have selected the following case studies to illustrate the way this program can be applied to real people with real stress. For every technique we introduce, we will draw on these case studies to show how they can be practically applied.
Anne is 57. She works full time as a bookkeeper, and she is married with one daughter. Anne’s husband recently lost his job, and he is finding it difficult to find other work. Their 32-year-old daughter, Ellie, has recently moved back home after splitting up with her partner. Anne feels worried about both her daughter and her husband. She wants to assist them both as much as she can, but she also resents the fact that she is doing most of the housework, as well as working full time. Anne finds herself snapping at her family, and then feels guilty. She isn’t sleeping well and is oft en tired.
Erik is 31. He is employed full time as a draftsman and is also trying to complete an architecture degree. He started the degree several years ago but has found it difficult to complete assignments on time. Consequently, the degree is taking much longer than he anticipated, and he feels desperate to finish it. However, there never seems to be enough time in the day. Erik always has a long “to-do” list in his head and can’t seem to switch off. He has gained a lot of weight in the past few years, and his doctor is urging him to lose it. But Erik doesn’t have time to exercise or cook and feels completely overwhelmed by the demands of his life. Over the past few months Erik’s mood has really taken a nosedive. He feels as though nothing much is fun anymore and wonders if things will ever get better.
Rhani is 22. She lives with two friends and works full time in a beauty salon. Rhani’s boss is quite critical and demanding, and Rhani finds her hard to work with. Rhani feels so stressed by the situation that she often feels very sick before work in the morning and finds it hard to feel happy, even on her days off. Rhani has always been quite a shy person, and she hates conflict. She worries a lot about what other people think of her and is finding her work situation to be almost unbearable.
Joe is 45. He owns a real estate agency and is married, with two sons at school. Joe’s friends tell him that he should be happy, as he has a lovely family, successful business, and a brand-new house. However, he doesn’t feel happy at all. Joe has high standards and is constantly disappointed by his own, and others’, failure to meet them. He finds himself frequently losing his temper with his staff and his family. Joe’s wife often begs him to “chill out” and relax, but he honestly doesn’t know how this is possible.
Keep reading to find out how Anne, Erik, Rhani, and Joe implemented our 10-step program to reduce their stress and lead happier, more relaxed lives.