HAVE YOUa drop of sporting blood? Then come with me to the office. You don’t have to buy. Just look!
There’s such a lot to see and do. We’ll start by learning how to love your boss . . . absolutely essential if you’re to participate in a rich, full office life. Then we’ll find out how to dress for the office—selecting gowns that look high-necked to the office manager and low-necked when you lean over. After that, we’ll start sneaking up on the boys career-wise (don’t worry, we’ll be so gentle and ladylike they won’t mind a bit. In an ideal world we might move onward and upward by using only our brains and talent but, since this is an imperfect world, a certain amount of listening, giggling, wriggling, smiling, winking, flirting and fainting is required in our rise from the mailroom). We’ll learn how to look gorgeous while all this is going on and how to deliver a modest acceptance speech as we’re handed “the key to the men’s room” in recognition of our achievement.
There’ll be a short survival course in Jungle Warfare (the office politics which sometimes riddle and decimate an establishment). We’ll learn how to remove a piece of furniture from a reception room in daylight and how to survive a firing.
Next we’ll visit Lunchland—and what a lot goes on there! You’ll learn how to get a man to take you to lunch who thought he was only riding down in the elevator with you and how to get eight men to ask you to lunch who thought you were only taking notes in their meeting. There’ll be instructions for the preparation of tea-for-two, laced with brandy, for icy January days or an icy January boss, learning how to sleep on the floor of your office (alone) and games for grown-ups to play on coffee breaks. (Yes, grown-ups play too, especially in offices.) We’ll go to an Office Party and, among other things, follow the financial vice-president into the men’s room with the office nymphomaniac in hot pursuit. We’ll also entertain beloved and deserving co-workers in your apartment.
We’ll travel on business—practically the sexiest of all office spoils. (We must learn to track other men, since they’ve stopped letting Your Sky Captain saunter back through the cabin. Here’s a hint: Hotel lobbies are no longer out of bounds for ladies to track in.)
Wives, widows and divorcees will be invited to join us in all this fun and will be told how. We’re very sharing and democratic!
When you’ve had a good night’s sleep, we’ll plunge to our clavicles in other sexy tides of office life . . . the folksy kind you can participate in or just observe from the sidelines. (We’ll probably all prefer to observe the Girls Who Get Paid for It, but some of you naughty girls may want to attend The Matinee.) Three Little Bedtime Stories may just bring back memories—who knows?—and, if you haven’t been bagging your full quota of office men lately, note the specific instructions for stalking and capturing without leaving a single black or blue mark on the body.
Enough promises! Enough titillation! Are you ready? Then slip into your mink life jacket, fasten your pink alligator seat belt, put on your jeweled goggles and come with me to the office.