FINAL YEAR DIARY: Christchurch, 26 January 2015

Recorded at my apartment at the Clearwater Resort in Christchurch, during Crusaders pre-season.

I signed with Racing in mid-December, and haven’t regretted it for a moment since. Honor and I are so excited about moving to Paris, and our children learning French. It helped set the mood for a brilliant summer.

My training in Taupo went really well. The nerve issue in my leg seems to have calmed down, and being away from the distractions of Auckland meant I was able to focus on conditioning in a way I haven’t been able to for years. Nic Gill, the All Blacks’ trainer, put together a series of different workouts for me, and life down there got a nice rhythm going. I’d wake up, have breakfast with the family, and spend time with Honor and Marco. Then around mid-morning I’d head down to Owen Delany Park and run through my workouts.

Sometimes Honor and Marco would come with me, and play while I went through my exercises, with Marco competing against me for the last few. I’d end each day with a series of kicks at goal. It all helped me feel a growing sense of confidence in my body that I hadn’t felt in years.

Afterwards I’d break for lunch, then go to the gym, followed by some off-feet conditioning in the pool or on the Wattbike. Then I’d often go paddle-boarding, which I love, out on the great lake. It was a perfect combination of relaxing time with the family, and good, hard pre-season work. Christchurch has been a continuation of the theme, minus the family time. With Honor getting pregnant with baby number two it’s meant I couldn’t be there to help her as much as I’d like, but it has its advantages when it comes to preparation. While I’m down here there’s nothing much else to do but train. Getting this length of pre-season with the Crusaders also feels like a gift. It’s been years and years since I was able to integrate with the team this early.

I’m starting to really enjoy being a senior member of the team, and being able to take on some of the associated responsibilities. This week a reporter asked us about rumours we’d be playing a game in Fiji. It felt like some people in management liked the idea of it, but we travel so much that it seemed like a real player welfare issue to me. In the past I’d have grumbled privately, but ducked the question. This time round I felt comfortable owning the issue in front of the media. At this point in my career, what have I got to lose?

 

Christchurch, 15 February 2015

Recorded via Skype at Clearwater Resort following a season-opening loss to the Rebels, 10–20 at AMI Stadium.

I’ve got the family down, which has been good, particularly after the ugly result. I don’t know where it came from; we’d had a really good week of preparation. I thought everything was feeling really good, but then nothing flowed out there.

What made it worse was coming away hobbling again. The scary thing is that it’s right in the same spot as I had nerve troubles last year. I still can’t walk properly today. There is definitely something going on in my leg in that area.

I played a couple of pre-season games and had been running freely. I remember warming up before the game and realising it was the best I’d felt for a couple of years. I had no niggles and my whole body felt good. Everything seemed to be on track for the season. Now I’ve just got a bit of a hurdle to get over.

It was pretty traumatic. That might be a strong word, but I was just starting to get my confidence back and then my first competition game back I get a whack, and it brings back all those memories. I’m just trying to stay positive and hopefully it will settle down over the next couple of days.

The match was just as bad. It was one of those average games where I didn’t have many opportunities. The Rebels’ defence was excellent, the way they rushed up on us. I wish our forwards would just fire up. When they got desperate at the end of the game they started playing really well. But even in the pre-season it was the same thing — we’d be getting hammered, then out of halftime we’d finally start playing with some spark.

The challenge is finding that desperation right from the first whistle. We’re just not getting that. I’m so used to having a forward pack that dominates, and getting ball on a plate going forward. That never came, and I couldn’t really do a lot unfortunately, so I felt like I was playing within myself a bit. I’m sure things will improve, but between that and the flare-up I’m not feeling great at the moment.

 

Christchurch, 22 February 2015

Recorded via Skype at Clearwater Resort. Crusaders defeat the Highlanders 26–20, but I missed the game with what felt like a recurrence of last winter’s leg injury.

The last week has been pretty tough. I don’t think I’ve had a week like this, where I’ve been talked about in such a negative way before. I haven’t really read too much in the media, but when all your friends start texting you and telling you not to worry about what the papers are saying, it’s hard to avoid the sentiment. Your friends and coaches are all of a sudden asking if you’re alright, so it becomes pretty real. It was only round two of the competition, and I’ve only played half a dozen games in the last 14 or 15 months. I’m not sure if they’re expecting miracles. So that’s what makes me frustrated. Having another injury like this, minor as it is, you do get that self-doubt and the lack of trust in your body again.

What has helped me through it was a catch-up I had with Wayne Smith during the week. We met for lunch after training, at Mesh, a café near our training ground which is always full of Crusaders and coaches. I haven’t worked with Smithy since 2011, since the World Cup. He is probably the coach that I hold in the highest regard; I think he’s the best coach in the world, in terms of the detail in which he analyses the game. I worked pretty closely with him for many years at All Blacks level, before he went and started with the Chiefs.

Now he’s back on the All Blacks coaching staff, and he was down in Christchurch working with the Crusaders coaches. He reached out to me, wanting to catch up and have lunch. He pointed out a couple of really simple things he thought had been going wrong with my game. The level of preparation he goes to is inspiring; he’d made up a video of some of the more memorable moments throughout my career. He pulled out a laptop there in the café and walked me through his observations. There was some footage of the Lions game, some footage of Crusaders games. He points out that at my best I play with real freedom. I’m making line breaks. I’m fending. I’m physical.

He thought my problem at the moment, what was making me sluggish, was that I’m over-thinking things. I’m trying to control the game and always looking for space to set other people up, whereas in my early years I played with complete freedom. He pointed out a couple of little things in particular. I had a really strong fend and sidestep, which I just haven’t used for the last couple of years, because I’ve been more into the mindset of wanting to direct the team around the field. It seemed so clear what I needed to do, after speaking with him. I was rejuvenated by the chat, and really excited about getting back to training with new focuses.