FINAL YEAR DIARY: Christchurch, 21 May 2015
Phone call recorded at Christchurch Airport as I wait to fly to Sydney for a game against the NSW Waratahs. It’s essentially a must-win if the Crusaders are to make the playoffs. I missed a few games with the continuation of a leg injury, and, most importantly, my son Fox was born.
For the first few rounds I was not in a good space mentally: ‘Here we go, back to where I was last year.’ Thankfully it came back alright. I was lacking my speed and bounce, and it was troubling me all the way through until three or four weeks ago. I came off the bench against the Highlanders in early April, but only played 20 minutes until I got a whack on it again. I started to feel really low about that time, but mercifully it actually bounced back reasonably well after the game. The next few weeks we had a win over the Blues and losses to the Hurricanes and Chiefs. I was just playing crap rugby, as all I could think about was my leg. I had no confidence at all — it was starting to really do my head in.
That’s why I haven’t been kicking for the last month. It’s my plant foot and all my weight goes through that part of the leg when I’m kicking. It got so bad that I’d subconsciously changed my kicking motion, which is where all my accuracy comes from.
I kicked really poorly against the Chiefs, and only noticed on reviewing video that I’d changed my motion. Normally I’d plant when I was going to kick on my right foot and land back on my right foot after contact with the ball. But on review I noticed that I wasn’t kicking through on my right foot any more; I was planting my foot and landing on my left. I was hiding and protecting my right leg.
It was getting out of hand, and with the bye a few weeks away I had a chance to try to fix it. I got in contact with the All Blacks physio to put a plan in place. It centred on taking the load off my leg and doing a lot of rehab to try to get it right. And it worked; it has finally settled down. Even though I wasn’t kicking in the last couple of games, it’s been so much better playing without having to think about my leg. It’s still not 100 per cent and I’m not sure if it ever will be. But maybe this is the new normal?
The other major change has been the birth of Fox, my second son. I went over to South Africa and returned early to be around for the birth — that all worked out well. I got to be there for the delivery, something I didn’t want to miss after experiencing it the first time with Marco. I wondered in advance if it would be just as emotional. We were certainly a lot more relaxed this time around — but as soon as he arrived, all those feelings came flooding back again.
I was around for the whole first week. I got to spend some time with them and look after Marco as much as possible, but soon I had to head back to Christchurch, leaving poor Honor to deal with caring for the two of them by herself. It was really hard, leaving her this time. I’m actually really struggling this year with being away from the family down in Christchurch — feeling helpless, wishing I could do more. When it was just Honor and me it was easy. At the back of our minds, we know that this time next year we’ll be together as a family in Paris, and I’ll be around a lot more.
In the broader context of New Zealand rugby, my leg coming right has coincided with a string of injuries to other first-fives. During the opening of the Super Rugby season, Aaron Cruden was playing really well, as were Beaudy Barrett and Sladey. There was a lot of competition, and it felt like any one of those guys could step into that position and do well.
I was a bit frustrated, playing 12 while they all got to show what they could do at 10. And a small part of me was cruising a little. I almost felt like the All Blacks didn’t need me any more as those young guys were all so good. Barrett’s been there for a couple of years, but Cruden has been around a long time. He took his chances last year and it felt like the guy could step up and run a team. Now, with him injured — and probably out of the Cup — it’s really weird, but I’ve got the hunger and drive back, knowing that the team might need me after all.
That said, there are mixed emotions, because I hadn’t been playing first-five regularly for the Crusaders, so it’s going to be tough for me to show what I can do. Will the coaches be able to pick me at first-five when I haven’t played there all year?
I do get frustrated. We have these sayings at the Crusaders — pillars which make up what it means to be a Crusaders man. One of them is ‘putting your ego on a hook’. I know that this is the best thing for the team, and the way Sladey’s playing, I can’t doubt that. But I thought maybe I might get a bit of a run at first-five, especially with Izzy out injured for over a month, and Sladey able to cover fullback.
I probably wouldn’t care so much if I’d played a lot of rugby in the last two years, but the fact I haven’t means I can’t help but wish I was playing in my preferred position. I say to the media that it doesn’t really matter. That we’re both ball players and they’re support positions. But there’s a lot more contact, I’m making a lot more tackles. I’m having to clear out a lot more rucks, I’m taking the ball to contact to try and get us over the gain line.
By contrast when you’re at first-five you get to pick and choose your moments. You see a weakness and you go, taking the ball to the line on your terms. In the midfield you’re used to trying to get over the gain line and there’s a lot more physicality. I enjoy that, but I do miss directing the team around a little more and having that control. Now that Crudes and Beaudy are injured, it only increases my desire to exert that in a game. Unfortunately, for the time being, I’m at 12, and just have to accept that.
Recorded at home in Auckland. In the previous weeks the Crusaders had essentially ended their season with a loss to the Waratahs, then played the Hurricanes, with me playing my first game at 10 in months.
We had the completely wrong game plan against the Waratahs. It felt like we’d been playing some good rugby until that point, but they took us apart. That’s been the story of our season. We’ll beat a team by 40 or 50 points and then lose the next game, which is exactly what happened. We were coming in off a high against the Reds, a pretty emotional week with our last game in Christchurch, but somehow we just didn’t prepare right for Sydney.
Afterwards I was gutted. I’ve never missed the playoffs. In my last year I wanted to finish on a high, and we weren’t going to do that. But the following day I started to see the upside: a window in such a busy year during which I can actually spend some time with my family, work on some conditioning, work on some of my niggles and go into All Blacks camp from day one. So: bitterly disappointed, but in the bigger picture it wasn’t all bad.
The next week we played the Hurricanes. Sladey had been injured, one of a number of key players to go down that week: Kieran Reid, Sam Whitelock, Wyatt Crockett. It felt like it was just Richie and me, the old guys, leading a very young side. We enjoyed that part of the preparation. Richie was captaining the side again, and I was back at 10. When we spoke during the week, we chatted about how important it was for us to really lead that week.
It felt good. There was a bit of a siege mentality, too, because we were playing against the Hurricanes, who were top of the table and had only dropped one game all season, while we were getting bagged by the media after missing the playoffs. I absolutely loved the week because when everyone is writing you off, you’re playing with nothing to lose.
That game went brilliantly, and a lot of people who’d doubted my ability to play at the top level any more were saying I was back. I didn’t feel like it was fair to have been written off without a chance to play 10, so this felt like vindication in some ways.
At this point there’s still a mathematical chance of us making the playoffs, but after the Waratahs game I just ruled that out. I wanted to concentrate on the fact I’ve got three weeks left being a Crusader. So I want to make the most of it. We talked about it as a team, about finishing the season with pride. I want that to be my main focus over the next few weeks: savouring my last moments as a Crusader. That and finding a house in Paris, which is proving harder than we thought.
The other inspiring part of the last few weeks was an All Blacks leadership meeting in Wellington. Sometimes I have doubts about wanting to play at the highest level, then one of those meetings will snap me right out of that mindset. I flew into Wellington on a Sunday after a game. But after being among the other leaders of the All Blacks, and the coaches, I came out so pumped.
We met across from the airport at the golf club. I literally flew in, walked across the carpark, had a meeting for four hours and flew back. All the All Blacks leaders were there: Kevvy Mealamu, Conrad, Ma’a, Ben Smith, Richie, Reado, Sam Cane, Brodie Retallick and myself. There were also the All Blacks coaches — Wayne Smith, Steve Hansen and Ian Foster — trainer Nic Gill, Darren Shand, the manager and then Ceri Evans and Gilbert Enoka, the mental skills coaches.
We were focused on finding what is going to drive us this year. We’ve come up with some really inspiring goals and concepts, and I’m excited to rejoin that environment. But before then I want to really relish these final few weeks in red and black.