FINAL YEAR DIARY: Auckland, 6 July 2015

Recorded during All Blacks camp in the lobby of the Heritage Hotel, hours before we flew out to Apia for our first ever test in the Islands.

My Crusaders career is officially over. We missed the playoffs for the first time in the 12 seasons I played for the franchise, yet I’ll remember this season with real pride. Mostly because of how we finished it. In the last three weeks we beat the Hurricanes, Blues and Brumbies by good margins, and took some real satisfaction out of the way we closed out the season. The last few days I was very conscious that it was all coming to an end. After the final game against the Brumbies, Richie and I were presented our jerseys by Stephen Larkham and George Gregan, two guys against whom we’ve played a number of memorable games. Then we flew home for a special event in Christchurch to farewell the five guys who were leaving the team. Families were invited, so Mum and Dad were also there to share the moment.

All week, even though it had been emotional, I had kept it together. I was sad I was leaving, but I felt fine. My attitude was that it was the end of one era, but also the start of a new one. Then Andy Ellis got up and made a speech, and he played a video of my Crusaders career. I was watching it, finding it pretty affecting. Wyatt Crockett was standing alongside me. He nudged me and whispered, ‘Are you going to tear up mate?’ I laughed and told him I was alright. And I thought I was. Then I got up to speak to the group and just lost it. Just absolutely lost it. I felt a real deep sadness for this moment, knowing I’d never wear a Crusaders jersey again.

I couldn’t get any words out. I just teared up and spluttered my way through a speech thanking people. I can’t even really remember what I said. I think I said that it was nice for some of the younger players to see how much it means to be a Crusader, but that isn’t what I was thinking. I was actually overwhelmed with gratitude for the time I’d had. The fact it had lasted so long. I limped through the speech and sat down, then Richie had the same sequence. He didn’t quite tear up, though, and kept it together a little better than I did.

I was slightly embarrassed afterwards. I rang Honor, who was up in Auckland with the children, and told her I’d made a complete fool of myself and cried in front of the whole team. She was really supportive and it meant a lot to be able to talk with her straight away. I had a good couple of days with the team afterwards, through the end-of-year festivities. With that I effectively said my goodbyes to Christchurch.

A month before there was another, much more shocking and tragic, goodbye. I was in Auckland with the Crusaders, and had driven back to the Crown Plaza after a kicking session at Eden Park. I parked, and walked up to my room, where Nafi Tuitavake, my roommate, was waiting. ‘You heard about Jerry?’ he said. No, I thought. ‘Have you not heard?’ he said. And my heart just sank. I thought the worst immediately. I heard Nafi say, ‘He was in a car crash. He’s dead.’ I was lost for words, just devastated.

You just don’t expect this kind of thing from the people who you play with. You hear of ex-All Blacks passing away, you’re sad, but it’s so different when it’s actually someone that you call a friend and you played with. This was around 5.30 pm and I was hanging out to watch the news to get some more information. I went to the team room and I saw Aaron Mauger and Richie. We just started sharing stories — JC stories — straight away. It was quite cool. The first thing you do is share your sadness with people who are in the same position, grieving a mate. We just started to reflect on the guy’s incredible character.

Aaron talked about the first time he played against Jerry. I think it might have even been at school. He was this huge, amazing athlete, so much bigger and stronger than everyone else. He was in line for the captaincy of the New Zealand Schools team, but the coach must have seen him having a drink or smoking, and they didn’t pick him for the team. Obviously they’ll have regretted that because of what he achieved later on.

Throughout his career he was his own man. You’d hear stories about him playing for the Hurricanes on a Friday then club rugby on a Saturday or league on a Sunday. No one loved the game as much as him.

My first experience with him was a few weeks before the first All Blacks game of 2003. I had heard a few stories about what a staunch guy he was, and was a little bit scared of him, to be honest. I was at a bar with a few of my mates — non-rugby mates — and he saw me and called me over. I went, nervously. This was one of the first All Blacks camps I’d been to. ‘Are you drinking?’ he asked. ‘I’m just having a couple with my friends,’ I said.

He then lined up eight vodka shots. I was freaking out. ‘Four each,’ he said. ‘Let’s go.’ I looked a bit worried. ‘You do four, and I’ll do four, then I’ll leave you alone for the rest of your career.’

I put on a brave face, tried not to throw up, and necked them all. He patted me on the back and said, ‘You’re a good man.’ And I just wandered back to my mates. It was almost like he was trying to work out what kind of person I was. After that moment I seemed to have earned his respect, and we became really good friends.

We sat next to each other on the bus for years. One of the first things he did was teach me his signature. On the bus you get passed a lot of pieces of memorabilia to sign, and if Jerry couldn’t be bothered, he just got me to sign them.

But behind all the staunchness there was a huge heart. I knew that he always had my back in any situation. Often on the field, as a 10, you’re targeted by the opposition, trying to shake you off your game. I always felt that bit more relaxed if that happened when Jerry was playing, knowing he’d be the first guy to stick up for me. He just wouldn’t take shit from anyone.

It was so tragic that it happened at a time in his life when he seemed so happy, seemed to have found peace. All day leading into the Blues game on Saturday I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I was incredibly grateful, a few days later, that I was able to attend his funeral. It was a real celebration of his life. You got a sense of how many people he’d touched, particularly around his community in Porirua.

The week after I was in All Blacks camp. Even deep into my career, I still forget what a step up it is. You’ve got the best coaching, the best nutrition, the best medical team — it’s all there, and just makes it so much easier to perform. And I’m finally here in good shape. The last few years I haven’t been able to do the annual fitness test due to injuries, which has gotten me some stick from a few of the boys. But I did it this year, and went okay. Fourth in a running test called the bronco, which I was pretty happy with, at my age. Most of all I’m excited about playing in the first test of the year, up in Samoa — and starting at 10.