HANNAH INHALED THE WARM SCENT OF SOFT PRETZELS as she pulled them from the oven Friday night. She’d looked forward to this for the past couple of days. Baking Stephen her grandmother’s famous soft pretzels seemed the best plan.
She removed the six pretzels from the baking sheet and brushed them with butter before sprinkling coarse salt on them. She was setting out napkins when the back door opened and Stephen stepped in.
He hung his hat and jacket on the peg by the back door. “What smells so appeditlich?”
“A surprise for you.”
“A surprise for me?” He moved to the table and grinned. “Soft pretzels.”
She bit her lower lip. “Do you like them?”
“Like them?” He chuckled. “I love them, Hannah. How did you know?”
“Just a gut guess, I suppose.” She pointed toward the sink. “Wash up and have a seat.”
He scrubbed his hands and dried them on the dish towel. “Why did you make me a surprise? Do you need me to replace the roof?”
She laughed. “No, I’m not trying to bribe you. I wanted to thank you for all the wunderbaar work you’ve been doing.”
“It’s a very nice way to say danki. But you didn’t need to do this.”
“I wanted to. You went above and beyond your job duties this week by making those ramps. I appreciate that you’re taking care of mei daed just like you took care of your daadi.”
Hannah stared up at him, and her heartbeat accelerated. The feelings bubbling up inside her were nothing like what she felt when she was with Jason. With Stephen, she felt as if her heart might burst with excitement and fear all at once. Was this what it felt like to fall in love?
She wrenched herself from her trance and took a step back. “I hope you like the pretzels. It’s my favorite recipe from mei mammi.”
“Sounds wunderbaar.” He sat at the table.
Hannah sat across from him and passed him the plate of pretzels. “Would you like coffee?”
“Ya, please.” He took a pretzel and broke off a piece before popping it into his mouth. “Hannah, this is amazing.”
“Danki.” She poured two cups of coffee and handed one to him. “Mei mammi was known for making some of the best food in the district. At church service, her dishes always disappeared first. She taught me well.”
“When did she pass away?”
“Three years ago. I still miss her.” Hannah broke off a piece of pretzel while wondering about Stephen’s mysterious past. “Do you miss your family?”
“Ya, I do.” He took another pretzel from the plate.
“Do you think you’ll go home for a visit?”
“I don’t know.”
He kept his gaze on the pretzel, and she wondered if he was avoiding her eyes. He broke off a piece and bit into it.
“These pretzels are spectacular, Hannah. You should sell these to your guests.”
She raised her eyebrows. “You think so?”
“Absolutely.” He sipped more coffee. “They’d probably buy them by the trunk full. You’d have to spend your days making pretzels, and I’d take care of the guests as well as the grounds.”
She chuckled. “I’ll be a pretzel baker.”
“That’s right.” He lifted his mug in agreement.
“You’re gegisch, Stephen Esh. I don’t think I’ll make a living as a pretzel baker, but I’m froh you’re enjoying them.” She savored the taste of the butter and salt while trying to think of a way to get him to tell her more about his life in Ohio. Finally she decided to ask a direct question, hoping it wouldn’t shut down the conversation completely. “So why did you leave Sugarcreek?”
Stephen rubbed his chin, and at once Hannah regretted asking. “If it’s too personal, then forget I—”
“No, it’s okay. It’s time I told you the whole story. You have a right to know.” Stephen sat up straighter and took a deep breath. “Seven months ago my fiancée died in an accident.”
“Ach, Stephen.” Hannah reached for his hand and then pulled it back, knowing the gesture was too personal. “I’m so sorry. No wonder you have a hard time sleeping. Your heart is broken.”
“Danki.” He cleared his throat. “I was taking her home one night, and it was raining. A pickup truck swerved into my buggy. Lillian died instantly from the impact. We were going to be married, and I was going to build a house on my parents’ farm.”
“The Lord will comfort you.” Hannah shook her head as tears filled her eyes. “He’ll cover your grief with His love.”
He studied his coffee mug. “There’s a reason why we were going to be married right away.”
Hannah tilted her head. “What do you mean?”
He kept his eyes focused on the mug. “She was pregnant with mei kind.”
Hannah’s mind absorbed his confession. Lillian was pregnant. Although Hannah had shown interest in a few young men, she’d never once considered being intimate with them before marriage. She wondered what kind of person Lillian was to commit such a sin, then she realized she was judging Lillian. Judging someone was a sin, which meant Hannah was no better than Lillian.
Stephen’s eyes probed hers as if waiting for her to comment. “You must think that Lillian and I are terrible people.”
Hannah cleared her throat as the guilt from her judgment choked her words. “Well, that’s not a choice I would have made, but sin is sin in the eyes of God. None of us is perfect, and it’s not my place to judge either of you.”
Stephen raked his hand through his hair. “The day before the accident we had admitted our sin to our bishop, and we planned to confess to the church at the next service.” He looked into her eyes, his shame evident. “We knew we had made bad choices. But we were trying to make things right.”
Hannah nodded slowly, taking in his words. She could feel his grief, and her heart ached for all he’d lost.
The worry in his face transformed to a frown. “Lillian was baptized, but I wasn’t. I was going to be baptized immediately and then we were going to be married. After she died, I couldn’t bring myself to be baptized. I didn’t feel worthy of it. I confessed to the community and apologized to her parents, but I had to leave.” He paused and blew out a deep breath. “Everything I looked at and everything I touched reminded me of her. But worst of all, I couldn’t stand the grief in her parents’ eyes every time they saw me at church. They had to look at me and remember that I’d lived while she’d died.”
Hannah brushed away a tear. “But, Stephen, you must know that the Lord appoints when we live and when we die. You couldn’t control that.”
“I think I could have.” He grimaced. “I never should’ve taken her out in that pounding rain. I knew it was dangerous, but I thought I could get her home safely. I was wrong, and I can’t forgive myself. I should’ve waited for the rain to let up, but I was impatient. I wanted to be alone with her so we could make plans and talk over our future.”
“I can feel your pain, Stephen. It’s obvious that you’re hurting so much that it’s choking your heart. But God forgave you, and your community forgave you. Now it’s your turn to forgive yourself.”
“If it weren’t for my stupidity, Lillian would still be alive today.”
“How do you know that? Everything happens in God’s time. You can’t predict what could’ve happened if you hadn’t taken her out in the rain.”
Stephen stared at her.
“You can’t change God’s plan, and you can’t doubt it.” Hannah ran her finger over the table’s wood grain. “When I was six, my cousins and I found a litter of newborn kittens in mei mammi’s barn. The mother cat was very docile and she didn’t protest while we held the kittens. I was hugging and kissing the tiniest one, and I accidentally dropped it.”
She sniffed while the memories flooded her. “I can still remember how devastated I was when mei mammi told me the kitten had died. I felt so guilty, and I cried and cried. But mei mammi reminded me it was an accident and it was also God’s will that the kitten didn’t make it.”
Stephen ran his hand down his face and nodded.
Hannah leaned forward. She wished she could take his hand in hers to console him. “Is it our place to question His will? I know a kitten doesn’t come close to comparing to your beloved Lillian, but you can’t let that burden weigh down your heart anymore.” She smiled. “Stephen, you’re the kindest man I know. You’ve lavished buckets of tenderness on my parents and our land, but you don’t have a spoonful of love for yourself.”
His shoulders slumped. “I know you’re right, Hannah. It’s just hard.”
“Let God heal your heart. If you give Him the chance, He will carry your burdens. And you’re worthy to be baptized. God loves us all equally, and you’re one of His children.”
He sipped more coffee and then met her gaze. “Remember when the bishop read from the book of Acts?”
“Ya.” Hannah recited the verses. “I like that passage very much.”
“I don’t feel that it’s true for me.” He took another pretzel from the plate.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t feel worthy of Jesus’ forgiveness.”
Hannah shook her head. “We all sin and fall short of the glory of God, but Jesus died to save each of us.”
He chewed the pretzel, the heavy moment passing. “Okay, it’s your turn to talk.”
“Ach.” Hannah shrugged. “I don’t have anything to share. I’ve spent my life here on this farm. There’s not much more to tell.”
“I’m certain there’s more.” His eyes probed hers. “Is Jason Glick your boyfriend?”
Hannah considered the question. Although Jason wasn’t her boyfriend, it was apparent by the attention he’d given her that he wanted to be. Hannah was more attracted to Stephen than Jason, but Stephen wasn’t baptized like Jason was. And Stephen offered no promises. “No, Jason isn’t my boyfriend. We’re getting to know each other.”
They talked about their plans for the weekend, and she discussed the guests who were supposed to arrive in the coming weeks.
Soon the pretzels and coffee were gone, and Hannah saw that it was almost eight o’clock. “I didn’t realize that it was so late. Danki for having a snack with me.”
Hannah placed the dishes in the sink. When she turned, she nearly walked into Stephen, who was standing close to her. He cupped his hand to her cheek, and she sucked in a ragged breath. He moved his fingers down her cheekbone, sending shivers dancing down her spine.
“Hannah.” His whisper was a beautiful hymn to her ears. He leaned down to her, and she held her breath. Just as their lips closed in to make contact, the back door opened with a slam, and Hannah jumped backward, colliding with the counter.
Her mother stood by the door with her hands on her hips. “Hannah Mary! What’s going on here?”
“Mamm, what are you doing here?” Hannah gritted her teeth. Her mamm just ruined a perfect moment. When would she treat Hannah as an adult and allow her to live life at her own discretion?
Bishop Smucker stepped into the kitchen behind her mother, and Hannah swallowed a gasp. She smoothed her apron and touched her prayer kapp as her cheeks heated. “Bishop Smucker. What a surprise.”
“Good evening.” The bishop fingered his beard.
Stephen nodded at the bishop and slipped his hands in his pockets.
“The bishop was in the area and stopped by to say hello.” Her mother studied her. “Did we come at a bad time?”
“No, not at all.” Hannah eyed her mamm. “We were having a snack before bed. I made soft pretzels and coffee to thank Stephen for his hard work.”
Her mother and the bishop looked at each other and then back at Stephen and Hannah. Have they been talking about Stephen and me?
“Hannah, may I speak with you alone?” Her mother pointed toward the hallway leading to Hannah’s room. “The bishop would like to talk to Stephen.”
Hannah hesitated.
“Hannah.” Mamm’s voice was urgent. “Let’s go now.”
Hannah nodded at the bishop on her way down the hall.
Her mother followed behind her and closed the bedroom door. “Why are you having a snack and coffee so late? Won’t the caffeine keep you up the rest of the night?”
“This can’t possibly be about the pretzels and coffee.” Hannah sank onto the edge of her bed. “Why are you and the bishop really here?”
“You’re right.” Her mamm sat on a chair across from Hannah. “The bishop came to check on things at the inn. He’s spoken to Stephen at church, and even though he thinks Stephen is a nice young man, he’s heard things.”
“Heard things?” Hannah shook her head. “What do you mean?”
“There have been concerns in the community about Stephen and you being here alone.”
“Why would someone go to the bishop about Stephen?” Hannah stood. “Who would do that?”
“I warned you.”
“I know you did, but there was no reason to warn me.” She studied her mother’s eyes. “Who talked to the bishop about Stephen and me?”
“I don’t know. The bishop only told me that there was some concern, and he wanted to remind Stephen about behaving properly.”
Hannah tried to remember who had stopped by recently. “There were several people who bought eggs during the past few weeks, but I don’t remember anyone making any comments.”
“No matter who it was, you have to be mindful of how your behavior is perceived by others. You’re both unmarried. Don’t you think it’s inappropriate for you to be sharing a late-evening snack alone?” Her mother’s eyes bored into hers. “I know I interrupted something between you two, Hannah Mary. I’m not blind.”
Hannah couldn’t lie. Her mamm had interrupted something—Hannah’s first kiss. And she couldn’t deny that she’d wanted it to happen.
“What about Jason?” Her mamm tilted her head. “Do you forget about Jason when Stephen is around?”
“I don’t know.” A lump swelled in Hannah’s throat. “I’m confused. Jason is kind, and I’ve liked him since I was a child. But Stephen is—”
“Stephen is a stranger. You’ve known Jason your whole life, and we know his family.”
“But I don’t know if I love Jason. He seems overconfident, and I noticed him looking at other girls at church and the singing. I don’t know if I trust him to be more than a friend.”
“Love is a feeling that grows over time. You’re freinden now. You’ll grow to love him as you get to know him better. That’s how it was with your daed and me, and that’s how it should be.”
Hannah considered her mother’s words. She wished that the answer were clearer about which one God had set apart for her. She knew one thing for certain—she’d wanted Stephen to kiss her, and she hadn’t felt that way when she was with Jason.
Her mamm started for the door. “I need to get back home and help your daed get ready for bed.” She looked back at Hannah and smiled. “If your heart is troubled, then pray. The Lord will lead you to the right answer. Gut nacht, Hannah.”
“Gut nacht.” Hannah watched her mother leave the room. Although she was troubled by the bishop’s visit, she was thankful for the opportunity to share her feelings about Jason and Stephen. It was the first time she and her mother had truly talked since her father’s stroke. She was confused by her mixed emotions, but she knew her mother’s advice was right. She had to pray.
She closed her eyes. Please see me through this confusion, Lord, and lead me to the right choice.
Stephen turned to Bishop Smucker. “What would you like to talk about?”
The bishop nodded toward the back door. “Let’s go for a walk.”
Stephen followed the older man outside and toward the barn. His mind reeled with questions while they walked. He didn’t think he’d done anything improper since arriving in Paradise. Yet the disapproval on Rachel’s face warned him that this might not be a friendly visit.
The bishop stopped in front of the barn and faced Stephen. “How are you getting along in Paradise so far?”
“Very well.” Stephen leaned against the barn wall.
“Gut.” The older man folded his arms over his chest. “I wanted to stop in and see how you were doing. A couple of members in the community voiced a concern about your being here.”
“Why were they concerned about me?” Stephen stood up straight.
“Hannah is a sweet maedel, and they were worried about how folks may view her if she’s alone with you at the inn.”
“We’re not alone. There are guests coming to stay all the time. In fact, the inn hasn’t been empty since I arrived.”
“My instincts about folks are normally correct, and you seem like a gut man. However, I’ve known Hannah since she was born. I grew up with her daadi. If your relationship at the inn seems improper, she has to live with the consequences. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Although frustration struck inside him, Stephen nodded. “I do.”
“There may be guests in the inn, but if you’re seen alone together, it could be damaging to Hannah. You were alone with her tonight, and a scene like that could be misconstrued by others. Rumors can spread like wildfire in a close community.”
Stephen frowned. He knew rumors all too well, since he’d experienced them firsthand after Lillian died. Although the members of the community said they forgave Stephen, he heard whispers about the sin he and Lillian had committed.
“If you know you’re going to be alone with Hannah, you need to find an appropriate chaperone. It would’ve been smarter if you’d shared your snack at Rachel’s haus instead of being alone with Hannah. I’m certain the rules were similar in Sugarcreek.”
“The rules were the same.” Stephen kicked a stone with the toe of his boot.
The bishop frowned. “If you choose not to follow the rules, then I may have to ask you to move out of the inn and stay somewhere else.”
“I understand.”
“Gut.” The older man smiled. “I’m glad we could have this talk, Stephen. Gut nacht.”
Stephen looked toward the inn and wondered how Hannah’s talk with her mother was going. He thought back to the conversation they’d shared earlier, and he hurried over to the buggy. “Bishop, may I ask you a question?”
“Of course.” The bishop dropped the reins and climbed back down. “What’s on your mind?”
“Do you believe we’re completely forgiven if we confess our sins to God and our community?”
“Ya.” The bishop raised his eyebrows. “Why do you ask?”
“What if you confessed, but the sin was still heavy on your heart? How do you overcome that burden?”
The bishop paused as if to collect his thoughts. He then placed his hand on Stephen’s shoulder. “Well, son, I would imagine you’d need to ask God to remove that burden for you. I also think you’d have to find a way to forgive yourself.”
Stephen nodded slowly. “Right.”
“I can tell by your expression that you’re struggling with something. You must trust that God loves you, no matter how terrible you feel your sin is.” The bishop squeezed Stephen’s shoulder. “Jesus died on the cross to forgive our sins. None of us is truly worthy of His love, but we’re saved because of that love. God chose us, not the other way around.”
Stephen mulled over the words, but he still didn’t feel worthy of being forgiven. A long silence fell between them. Stephen’s shoulders slumped with the heavy load of the bishop’s words.
“Why don’t we pray together?” The bishop folded his hands.
Stephen nodded and closed his eyes.
“Heavenly Father, danki for giving Stephen and me the opportunity to talk tonight. We ask that You lay Your healing hand on Stephen’s head and help him to forgive himself for the burdens that are troubling him. You have the power to open our hearts. Please lead Stephen to find peace through Your Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.”
“Amen.” Stephen looked up at the bishop. “Danki.”
“Gern gschehne. I better get going.” He climbed into the buggy. “You have a gut night.”
“You too. Drive safely.” Stephen headed back into the house while the buggy wheels crunched on the rock driveway. He contemplated the bishop’s words on his way up to his room. The words made sense, but what did he need to do in order to release the guilt?