Discretion was the better part of valor, or at least her next-to-youngest brother, Innocenzio, always said. So Diana waited a half-hour before excusing herself and Billie. No fool, Billie waited until they were in the privacy of their room before she asked if Diana successfully got the keys.
“Yes, grab your phone and wallet and stuff them in my bag. You can keep an eye on the cell signal and I’ll drive.”
“What about Closet Sidney? If you go downstairs with your carry-on, we’ll be spotted leaving for sure.”
That gave Diana pause. “Once we escape, we can bring the cops back and rescue everyone. And we’ll lock the room, right?”
Billie nodded.
“Okay, then. The faster we get back to civilization, the faster we can get the police involved. And the faster we can rescue Closet Sidney . . . and everyone else.”
Once they were ready, Diana eased the door open and peered into the hall. It was quiet as a tomb. She and Billie tip-toed out of the room, locking the door behind them.
“We’re getting the fuck out, Bils.” Triumphant, Diana crept down the hall, the van keys clenched in her fist.
“What about everyone else?”
Billie’s concern for the whole world was one of her more admirable traits, but it tended to get in the way of self-preservation.
“One of them is a psycho killer, Bils. I don’t know about you, but I’m not eager to press our luck any further than we already have.”
“Yeah, but most of them aren’t.”
“How do you tell the difference, though, that’s the problem.”
Billie stopped, so Diana stopped, too. She wasn’t going anywhere without Billie.
“I just wish there was something more we could do. I mean, I don’t think it was Fay—”
“Fay won’t leave without Dick, and you think Dick did it.”
“—or any of the girls—”
“Most of whom are convinced I’m a man-stealing Jezebel. Never mind that you can’t steal what someone threw away. Besides, how are we going to include them without alerting the killer? Most everybody disappears, he’s going to notice. Miles isn’t dumb.” She tugged Billie’s wrist. Billie sighed and continued to walk with her.
“I don’t think it was Miles—”
“Well, I do, and I think Elyse would rather take her chances with a killer rather than let Miles anywhere near you. She has it bad. I feel for her, it’s going to be a rude awakening once she realizes Miles is the killer. You remember that time—”
“I’d rather we didn’t.”
Lightning flashed outside the picture windows as they crossed the empty lobby. Once they made it outdoors, the chance they would be discovered was nearly nil.
“Isn’t this damn storm ever going to let up?” Diana muttered.
“I could have sworn you were attracted to him.”
Diana choked. “Who, Miles? Not hardly.”
“I think he looks like Sidney.” Billie paused. “If Sidney were taller. And better looking. Much better looking.”
“Sacrilege!”
The wind almost ripped the door out of her hands and the rain slapped her in the face. Their candles guttered out immediately. Diana swore.
“You know, I’ve decided something, Bils.” They stumbled across the porch and down the stairs.
“What?”
“I’ve decided I hate Canada. The weather sucks.”
“But, during the last Winter Olympics, you told me you were spiritually Canadian. You had a Team Canada sweater, remember?”
“I’ve changed my mind.” It was pitch black, and Diana hoped they were going in the right direction. If they wandered into the creek, high with storm water, the police wouldn’t find what was left of them for ages.
Billie squeezed her hand. “I think we’re going the wrong way.”
“Which way is it?”
Thunder boomed, and they both flinched.
“This way, I think.” Billie pulled her to the left.
“Ugh, I can barely walk. The ground is saturated.” With every step, the spike heels on Diana’s stilettos sank into the mud, and she leaned forward to avoid getting stuck.
Lightning flashed, and, in the brief glare, Diana saw the vans to their left. They had been going the wrong way; thank goodness for Billie! She tightened her grip on the keys and continued to struggle toward the vans, the wind buffeting her.
“I thought I saw something.” Billie sounded worried, but, when it got to this point, Billie always sounded worried. Diana was worried as well; it was the only sensible course.
“All the more reason to get the hell out of here.”
“It was between us and the vans.”
Diana came to a screeching halt. “Of course it was.” She peered into the dark, but, with the storm, there wasn’t any moonlight. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”
“Let’s circle around.”
“Good idea.” The two of them circled to the right, and Diana hoped they weren’t too far off course. Another lightning flash showed they were on track—but one of the van doors was open.
“The hell?” As they came around from the far side, Diana saw the dome light in the van parked furthest from the lodge. If the door was open since they came back, it would have drained the battery. “Stop for a second, Bils.”
“What are you doing?”
Diana balanced on one foot and took off her shoe. “Getting us a weapon.” She brandished the heel. “It’s got a steel core.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“C’mon.” Diana limp-squished toward the van. She was drenched, anyway, so a little mud wouldn’t hurt.
“You should probably take off the other shoe. You can’t walk like that.”
“Okay.” Diana slipped the other shoe off, then handed it to Billie, who held it gingerly. “Now we’re both armed!”
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
“Don’t be silly, Bils, we’re almost home-free.” The mud sucked at her feet as she hurried forward, almost jogging now she didn’t have to worry about leaving a shoe in the muck.
About five feet from the vans, Diana tripped over something and landed with a squelch in something warm. “Fuck!”
“Diana, are you okay?”
“Just don’t hit me with that shoe.” Diana scrambled up, covered in mud . . . and something warm. The smell of copper was so strong she could taste it. She nudged the thing she tripped over with her toe. “Yup, it’s a body. Not even in rigor mortis yet.”
“Diana, tell me that you’re kidding me.”
“We’re in a monumental storm and stranded at a totally creepy lodge with a killer running loose. I am covered in mud and what I’m pretty sure is blood and wet to the skin. I’m not exactly in a kidding mood.”
“You don’t have to be huffy.”
“I’m not. I’m just listing the many reasons why right now wouldn’t be a good time for a practical joke.”
“Oh. Who do you think it is?”
Diana nudged the body again. “Whoever it is is heavy. I can’t move them at all.”
“Oh, no. Are you sure they’re dead?”
“Good point.” She knelt and patted the body until she found the neck, then checked for a pulse, despite accidentally plunging her fingers in a nasty gash. Nothing. She told Billie as much.
“Who is it?” Billie asked.
“Whoever it is, he’s big. It might be Tiny. It’s definitely one of the guys. No breasts.”
“Diana!”
“Well, I didn’t want to notice, but when you accidentally fall on someone’s chest, it’s hard to ignore!”
“We’ve got to go tell the others.”
“No, we don’t! Let’s get out of here!”
“Diana, someone’s dead!”
“Billie, someone’s always dead! Everywhere we go!”
“We can’t just leave him lying here.”
Diana planted her hands on her hips and flipped her sopping wet hair over her shoulders. Billie could barely see her, but it was the thought that counted. “Oh, alright. But can I at least turn over the engine? It’ll warm up the van.”
If she could get Billie in the van, she was taking off, no matter what Billie said. She just hoped she didn’t accidentally run the body over; she didn’t need to wreck the exhaust system.
“Yeah, okay.”
Avoiding the body, Diana stepped up into the van, then gave Billie a hand up. She caught a glimpse of herself in the rear-view mirror. She looked like the Blair Witch, covered in blood and mud.
The van was almost empty—someone had cleared out most of the suitcases. “You think he was trying to take off and leave everyone behind?”
“How could he, without the keys? Besides, we were going to take off and leave everyone behind," Billie pointed out.
Diana climbed into the front seat. “No, we were going to get help. It’s totally different.” She slid the key in the ignition and was thankful when it slid in smoothly. “I think we got lucky and picked the right van!” She turned the key. Nothing. “Maybe not.”
“A problem?” Billie peered over her shoulder.
“Just a little one. It’s not starting.”
“It’s the wrong van, then.”
Diana tried it again, then a third time. And a fourth. “No, the key turns in the ignition. Just nothing.” She demonstrated for Billie.
Billie wrinkled her nose. “Do you smell anything?”
“All I smell is blood.”
“It smells like gasoline.”
“Fucking fantastic. Back to the lodge.”
Miles was on the front porch with a flashlight. Elyse clung to one of his shoulders. He directed the beam of light at them. “Who did you kill?”
“Very funny. I tripped over a body in the dark. Someone’s lying dead over by the vans. Also, I’m pretty sure my shoes are a total loss.” She hefted a shoe, and Miles turned the light on it.
“Tragic. You still haven’t told us who you killed. Or why you’re creeping around in the dark. I thought you turned in for the night."
Diana wanted to avoid explaining the last part. If Miles thought they almost slipped through his fingers, she and Billie might be next on his hit list. Besides, he didn’t mention why he and Elyse were out in this mess. Billie and she probably saved Elyse’s life by coming along at the right moment. No wonder Miles was perturbed.
“What are you doing out here?” Diana asked.hat are you doing out here?" Diana asked.pen afterrror. the back deck. She checked the lake and around the rest of the first f
“We saw the door open a few inches and came to investigate. Good thing, too, since we caught you in the act.”
“I haven’t killed anyone, you ass—as you damn well know. And I don’t know who it is, it’s fucking dark. I wouldn’t have tripped over him otherwise.”
“Who’s missing?” Miles asked Elyse.
“Everyone’s still in the dining room, except for Serena—she went up to her room.” She turned toward Diana. “Did you kill Serena?”
“It’s a man.” Diana thought about it for a moment. “Maybe we were wrong and it wasn’t any of us. Maybe it’s some random crazy who just wandered over, like Jason at Camp Crystal Lake.”
“It wasn’t Jason, it was his mom,” Billie said. “In the first movie, anyway.” Diana couldn’t believe Billie could stand to watch slasher movies after all they’d been through.
“A crazy lady works as well as a crazy guy. I don’t care which, as long as the killer is dead.”
“With our luck? It’s probably Joe.”
“Joe is way too smart to get killed. He’s got a Ph.D.”
“Joe has a Ph.D.? Since when?”
“He was a psychologist.”
“What’s he doing out here, then?”
“Something about a nervous breakdown.”
“I know it’s hard for you two to pay attention for more than two minutes at a time, but apparently there’s another dead body to deal with. You stay there,” Miles said. “We’ll get the others.”
“Bullshit I will. It’s raining, in case you hadn’t noticed.” Diana would never be dry again.
“We don’t want you behind us,” Elyse said.
“Right back at you.”
Miles sighed. “Look, we’ll all go. Just keep your distance.”
Diana climbed the stairs, Billie right behind her. Diana fumed over Miles’ “keep your distance” crap. He had been dying for a chance to talk to Billie all week. If he wasn’t a serial killer—or maybe mass murder was a better description?—she would give him a piece of her mind. As it was, Billie was better off without his wishy-washy, murderous ass.
Elyse gave them the side-eye and hung off Miles like it was going out of style. It was aggravating in a way Diana couldn’t put her finger on.
Billie and Diana dripped through the lobby and into the dining room.
“Holy shit,” said Dick. “What the fuck happened to you two?”
“Are you okay?” Fay jumped up and hurried toward them, the rest of their little band behind her.
Meanwhile, Diana counted heads. They were down one grip, a script supervisor, a makeup artist and an assistant director. Only one lacked breasts. “Where’s Tiny?”
Half of them looked around, like he would materialize out of thin air.
“Tiny,” Diana said loudly. “The guy is seven and a half fucking feet tall, roughly the shape and weight of a refrigerator? Where is he? It’s not like he’s easy to miss.”
“He walked Serena upstairs,” Brandi said. “Jenny and Claudia, too.”
“And since then?”
Brandi shrugged. “I don’t know.”
Diana gestured to her blouse. It started the day blue and was now brown and scarlet. “I do. He’s really, truly, most sincerely dead. Has anyone else left the room? I thought we were working on the buddy system. It doesn’t work if we don’t use it!” Billie and Diana could attest that the buddy system saved lives; they never would have made it through college otherwise.
“I made you get in groups and everything,” Billie said, disappointed.
“Someone needs to check on everyone upstairs,” Fay said. “Miles, Judd? Can you go up and check on Serena, Jenny and Claudia?”
“Judd, you can’t leave me!” Cassie wailed.
“It’ll just be for a few minutes.” He tried to peel Cassie off his body. She sobbed and clung, even wrapping a leg around his waist. Cassie could give an octopus a run for its money—if octopi had money. “I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Miles assured her.
Diana snorted. That was rich, considering Miles was probably their murder. “Do you think that’s a good idea? One of them might be the killer. Whoever it is, is strong to have gotten the drop on Tiny.”
Fay’s brow creased in a frown. “Richard, you should go with them, too.”
“Me?”
“Yes, this is your production.”
“But I’m a director!”
“Suck it up, buttercup,” Diana said.
Grumbling, Dick trailed behind Miles and Judd as they left the room.
Diana turned to those who remained. “Who else left the room?”
“You did,” Cassie said. “Look at you, you’re covered in gore.” She burst into tears again.
“Thanks,” Diana said dryly. “I hadn’t noticed. So, me, Billie, Tiny, Serena, Jenny, Claudia, Miles and Elyse.”
“Miles and I were together the entire time.” Elyse crossed her arms.
“I thought he was walking you to the bathroom,” Brandi said.
Elyse blushed.
“Okay, so that leaves Miles unaccounted for, at least for a few minutes.” Diana raised an eyebrow at Billie, but Billie just shook her head. “Who else? Did anyone stay put?”
“Richard left, too,” Brandi said slowly. “He said he had to check on the film—the hard drives. He put them in the upstairs conference room.”
“No one went with him?” Diana didn’t like Dick, but she didn’t want him to get cut into tiny pieces, either. She blackmailed him for the keys, but she hadn’t gone with her first plan, pushing him down the stairs. Even if she had pushed him down the stairs, she wouldn’t have pushed him hard. She didn’t want to kill him, just escape before she and Billie got hacked and whacked.
“Miles and Elyse were already gone. And Fay was comforting Serena—she’s drunk again. He had his bullhorn with him,” Brandi said defensively. “He said he’d yell if he ran into any problems.”
“Oh, yes, I’m sure a killer would just be petrified by the sight of Dick wielding his bullhorn. Why didn’t Judd go with him?”
Elyse pointed at Cassie, who was hugging her hairdressing kit. “She’s hysterical. She’s been crying on and off since dinner. Frankly, I think he was glad to finally get away just now.”
This prompted a fresh bunch of tears from Cassie. Diana marveled someone as dependant as Judd found someone even more so; it was a match made in hell.
“So, the only people who didn’t leave were Brandi and Cassie?”
Nods all around.
Diana turned in a slow circle, counting heads again. “So where’s Joe? Don’t tell me you’ve misplaced the creepiest motherfucker in the place.”
“He went to the office to check the phones again,” said Fay. “I tried to convince him to stay here, but he said he had burned sage for purification or something new agey and went anyway.”
“Jesus Christ, haven’t any of you ever watched a horror movie? We’re only on the set of one. Splitting up gets you killed! No more splitting up! Tie yourself to someone, if you have to!”
“We should go check on Joe,” Billie said. “Maybe we’ll get lucky, and the phones will be back up.”
Thunder crashed so loudly it sounded like it was right on top of the lodge. Diana didn’t think the phones would be back up, but Billie always was an optimist.
“It’s better than sitting around, waiting to get stabbed in the back,” Diana said.
“Oh, no, not you,” Elyse said. “You’ll come back, dripping with blood, and claim you found another body. I’ve never seen two people accidentally discover so many dead people in all my life.”
Diana shrugged; she had her quota of dead people for the week. “Alright, you go. God knows I don’t need to find Joe vivisected or something equally gross and twisted.”
Elyse was taken aback. “Why should I go?”
“I’ll go with you,” Fay said. “It’s only across the lobby.”
“At least you know Fay’s not the killer,” Diana said cheerfully. “At least she didn’t kill Tiny, anyway.”
Fay gave her a cool look. “Are you done?”
“For now.” For some reason, Elyse got on her last nerve.
“Wait.” Brandi ran over to Cassie, grabbed her kit and pulled out a curling iron, which she gave to Fay. “Take this. I know it doesn’t look intimidating, but it’s steel and you could hit someone a good one with it, if you needed to.”
“Thank you.” Armed with a curling iron, Fay and Elyse left.
“We should probably do something about Tiny,” Billie said. “We can’t leave him out there in the rain.”
“It’s dark out there.” Brandi shivered and looked over at the windows. Lightning flashed, and, for a moment, the trees twisting back and forth were visible. “Who knows who’s hiding out there in the dark.”
Billie hugged herself. “We can’t leave him out there.”
Brandi motioned to herself, Cassie, Billie and Diana. “I don’t think all four of us could move him if we wanted to. Diana’s right. He was big.” She licked her lips. “Let’s wait until the guys come back.”
As if on cue—and why not, it was a movie set, after all—Judd, Miles and Dick appeared in the doorway, ushering Jenny, Claudia and Serena. Well, they ushered Claudia and Jenny and carried Serena, whose head lolled in a way that reminded Diana of Pam. Not a good mental image.
“Well, everyone’s safe,” Miles said. “These ones are, anyway. Tiny’s not in his room.”
“Because he’s out there, dead.” Diana gestured toward the front of the lodge and the vans beyond.
Miles frowned. “Where’s Elyse?”
“She and Fay went to check on Joe and the phones.” Diana wanted to kick him, possibly in the shin, but preferably in another place.
“We’re back.” Fay returned, followed by Elyse and Joe. “And Joe’s okay. The phones are still down, though.”
“Give me a hand with Serena, Judd.” Miles and Judd half-carried, half-drug Serena to the nearest table, and Brandi ran to pull out a chair.
They lowered her into the chair, and she slumped face-forward onto the table. Serena couldn’t have made herself a more convenient target unless she came with her own murder weapon and a “kill me” sign.
“We have to do something about Tiny—if it is Tiny,” Fay said.
“You mean we have to do something about Tiny,” Judd said. Almost as soon as he had sat Serena down, Cassie wrapped herself around him, doing her best kudzu impersonation.
“I’ll help.” Fay rolled up her sleeves. “Diana and Billie will come, too.”
“Excuse me?” Diana said. “Diana and Billie will do what?”
“You tripped over him. What chance do we have of finding him in the dark? The faster this is over, the happier we will all be. We can get some bedding from his room.”
Diana opened her mouth to protest, but Billie agreed before she could list the many, many reasons she didn’t want to go back into the storm, especially with Miles.
“A duvet isn’t going to cut it,” Miles said. “Tiny weighed three hundred, easy.”
“I saw a canvas tarpaulin down by the kayak storage shed,” Billie offered. “It’s a bit of a hike, but if we take flashlights, we should be okay.”
“Could you show us?”
Billie nodded.
“Shouldn’t you take Joe?” Diana asked. “He’ll know exactly where it is.” And Diana didn’t relish the thought of Billie traipsing around with Miles. In the storm. In the dark.
“Joe is already pissed enough,” Dick said gloomily. “He’s probably going to charge me to clean out the freezer. And God knows what else.”
“Things were quiet before you crazy film people showed up. Hell of a lot less bodies, too. All this death and fear, it’s like ringing a big old dinner bell for the wechuges.” Joe stood in the doorway, unconcerned.
“I’m going.” Diana grabbed Billie’s hand. “I’m not letting Bils go out there with you.”
Miles looked up at the ceiling. “Great, now that Psycho Barbie is coming with us, can we go now? And hopefully come back, all in one piece?” He gave Diana a long look.
Diana bristled, but Billie put a restraining hand on her forearm and shook her head. Diana subsided. For now.