“Look, I don’t care what he said about no fire,” Fay told them. “Richard’s going into shock, we have to keep him warm. All the blankets are soaked from the creek, we’re soaked, his clothes are still wet—we’ll be lucky if he doesn’t get pneumonia.”
“I don’t want pneumonia, this sucks already,” he said.
“You’re awake.”
“I was always awake. Mostly.”
Fay unpacked the backpacks. They didn’t have much food left. Miles needed to get to that station and call for help.
Billie didn’t voice her fears. The ranger station could be empty, abandoned or out of service. Miles might be attacked by Claudia. He could run into an angry bear. Many things made rescue a dim possibility.
Diana jammed a chair under the door knob and turned the deadbolt. Fay used the table and other chair to lay out blankets.
“We need to get firewood,” she said. “Then we can get warm and take care of him.”
“I’ll go,” Billie said.
“No, I’ll go,” Fay said. She looked at Richard. “I need a minute or two alone anyway.”
“You shouldn’t go alone,” Richard murmured. “The motherfucking buddy system, remember?”
“I won’t be long. And I’ll stay in view of the cabin.”
She turned to Billie and Diana. “I need you two to stay with him. Try and get him to drink something.”
“I found some candles on the mantle. I’ll close up all the curtains and Billie can watch him,” Diana said.
Fay nodded. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
She left, shutting the door behind her, before Richard could protest.
“One of you has to go after her,” he said. “She shouldn’t be out there alone.”
Diana shut the curtains, and the cabin grew dimmer until it was nearly dark. She struck a match and lit a candle. She dripped wax onto the mantle, then stuck the candle in it to steady it.
The room glowed with candlelight.
“Come on, go get her, Camera Girl. She shouldn’t be alone. Satan’s Right Hand can look after me.”
“Why can’t I go and Billie look after you?” Diana asked.
“Whatever. Just don’t leave Fay out there alone. The buddy system was your idea.” Frown lines creased his forehead.
“You’re really worried about her,” Billie said.
Richard swallowed hard. “Well yeah. I mean . . . without her we have no script, right?”
“Jackass.” Diana found old newspapers stacked in the corner near the fireplace and crumpled them up for the fire. “Look at this, these are from 1947! No wonder the dust in this place is an inch thick.”
“Nice try,” Billie said. “You like her.”
“She’s alright.” Richard looked at the wall.
“Why can’t you just admit it?” Billie moved into his line of sight. “I mean, we’re kind of in a serious situation here, why can’t you just say you like her?”
“In case you didn’t notice, I almost got my leg blown off for her. If that’s not saying something, I don’t know what is.”
Billie sighed. “Men. You all think being the silent type is the way to go. Why can’t you just tell her? I bet she has no idea. She could meet someone else—like a hot forest ranger for instance—and forget all about you because she thinks you’ll follow the easy score with your—” Billie gestured towards his groin.
“I think Fay should consider herself lucky she was spared from having to deal with the dick of death,” Diana said. “It probably saved her life.”
Richard stubbornly stared at the ceiling, his jaw set. He had no snappy comeback.
“Will one of you just go look for her?” he asked. “Please?”
Diana raised an eyebrow. “Please? Hold on, was that a pig that just flew by?”
Richard did manage to crack a tiny smile.
“I’ll go,” Diana said.
Billie felt a stirring of panic. She was a selfish, horrible person to want Diana to stay safe inside, when Fay was out there alone, but the thought of Diana going into the forest where Claudia was made her sick to her stomach.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” Diana moved the chair away from the door. “She probably hasn’t gone far anyway, she said she’d stay in view of the cabin.”
Richard took Billie’s hand and squeezed it.
“I guess we’ll both have someone out there we care about,” Billie said quietly.
Diana’s hand was on the doorknob when part of a rusty axehead smashed through the wood, inches from her head.
Diana screamed at the top of her lungs and tried to jam the chair back under the knob, but another axe blow sliced through the door, and Diana jumped back. She hurried over to Billie and Richard.
Billie looked for a weapon. “Shit! We don’t even have a stick or anything!”
“I’m pretty sure a stick is no match for a fucking axe murderer!” Diana yelled the last part as if she wanted to insult the axe-wielding psycho.
The axe crashed down again and splintered the door. A big chunk of the door fell into the cabin, and Claudia’s hand slipped inside, released the deadbolt and she swung the damaged door inward. She was relaxed, happy and smiling. “Finally, I caught up to you.” Her smile faded as she looked at the group. “Where’s Miles? Where’s Fay?” The way she said Fay’s name sounded like she spat out the world’s worst swear word.
“Miles went to get help. Apparently I’m on my death bed because you shot me in the ass, you fucking psycho!” Richard said from his bed.
“Oh, Richie.” Claudia gave the air an experimental chop with the axe. It was rusty and pitted, but unfortunately still in working order. “That was a mistake. I wasn’t aiming for you. I was aiming for Fay. You just got in the way. I have to say I was a little surprised you were being so gallant. It’s not your strong suit.” Claudia swung the axe easily, like a toy. She moved a step closer each time.
Billie grabbed Diana’s hand. They’d been in a lot of tight situations, but she wasn’t happy things would end with their heads chopped off. There was something unpoetic about it after everything.
“So where is she? Nowhere to hide around here.”
“She went with Miles. To the ranger station.”
“Too bad it’s been empty for years.” Claudia swung the axe and it whooshed through the air. “Remember, I scouted locations for this film. I know this place like the back of my hand.”
Billie wasn’t sure whether to be upset or relieved. Miles and Fay were alive, but Miles was hiking for nothing and they could really use him now.
“You two.” Claudia gestured toward them. “Over there. I don’t want to get any blood on Richard.”
Richard’s face was white. “Leave them out of this. I don’t give a crap about them.”
“The mouthy one’s been insulting you since she got here. The other one . . . hell if I know, but they don’t do anything without the other, so I’m going to assume they’d like to die together, too.” Claudia gestured at them to move, the axe pointed at them.
Billie thought about rushing her, but Claudia was stronger than they were. This was not good.
“What’re you gonna do?” Richard asked. “Hack us up and make a run for it? Everyone knows it was you. The police will be looking for you.”
“No, I hack them up, then you and I are going to go find your little girlfriend,” Claudia said. “You’ll watch, and I’ll get rid of her once and for all. After that, it’s all you and me. Like it was supposed to be from the beginning. Like you promised!”
“That was before he found out you were a psychopathic fruitcake.” Fay stepped into the doorway.
Claudia screamed with rage, and, whirling around, swung the axe, but Fay dashed to the other side of the small cabin, avoiding Claudia’s swing. Fay held something, but couldn’t get in range.
“Do something!” Richard yelled. “Help her!” He tried to get off the bed, but succeeded only in dumping himself onto the floor and screaming in pain.
Fay dodged another swing of Claudia’s axe.
“He never cared about you!” Fay said. “He told me once you were a lousy lay.”
“Bad idea, bad idea,” Diana chanted.
Billie looked around. There was nothing to stop Claudia with. “What do we do?”
Diana grabbed one of the candles, then threw the melting wax at Claudia to no effect.
“You guys suck at this,” Richard said, his voice muffled. “How are you not dead yet?”
Billie grabbed a wet blanket and tried to use it like a whip. It tangled in Claudia’s feet, but she kicked free of it and managed to swing the axe, narrowly missing Fay.
Fay calmly stepped inside her swing and cracked Claudia up the side of the head with a piece of wood. Blood bloomed on Claudia’s temple and she staggered, swinging the axe in a blind arc. Billie jumped back and yanked Diana with her.
“What is she, some kind of fucking cyborg!?” Diana exclaimed.
“You are not taking him,” Fay said.
Claudia wiped blood from her eyes. “Isn’t that sweet.”
“Richard also said you had horrible fashion sense, you couldn’t suck dick to save your life and your boobs are lopsided,” Diana piped up.
“What?” Billie whispered. “Diana!”
Claudia turned towards them in a rage, and Fay swung the wood again, cracking Claudia over the back of the head. She fell to her knees and dropped the axe. Diana dove for the axe, and Claudia tried to scramble up, but Fay was on her.
“You –” she hit Claudia with the log “– don’t—” Wham! “Get!” Smash! “To have him!” She brought the wood down one final time and Claudia slumped onto the floor.
The room was silent, except for their breathing.
“Did you get her? Is she dead?” Richard asked. “Please say she’s dead. I won’t even throw up.”
Billie tentatively shook Claudia’s shoulder, while Diana held the axe at the ready. Billie felt for a pulse. “She’s alive.”
“Thank God.” Fay dropped her weapon with a clatter.
“Thank God?” Richard asked from the floor. “Finish her! She shot me in the ass!”
“If I kill her now I’m just as bad as she is,” Fay said. “Miles left the rope. Let’s tie her up.”
“Really, really tightly,” Diana said. “And gag her too. I can’t stand listening to her talk.”
They bound Claudia to a chair, then the three of them helped Richard back into the bed. Fay was covered in blood, her hair wild, and her hands were covered in splinters. The sun had set and it was dark.
“Remind me never to piss you off.” Richard brushed a bloody lock of hair away from Fay’s face.
“Don’t get too close!” Diana said. “Dick of death, remember?”
Fay smiled. “I don’t think I have to worry anymore.” She leaned over and kissed Richard.
Diana made a face. “If it goes any further than this, I’ll use the axe on you two myself.”
Fay didn’t give any indication she heard. She and Richard were too busy making out.
“Oh gross.”
“It’s kind of cute. In a totally disturbed way.” Billie looked around the disheveled cabin. “Come on. Let’s clean this place up, get a fire started and dry out.”
“Let’s use Claudia’s clothes as kindling!”
“They’re wet,” Billie said with a smile. “You know, this means Miles is safe out there.”
Diana nodded. “I bet you’re very relieved.”
“You, too.”
Diana didn’t reply.
Billie struck a match and lit a burnt-out candle. It was good to relax. Being on the run was exhausting. Now all they had to do was wait.
Diana was dreaming. The high-pitched whine got louder. A mosquito had gotten into the cabin, no, they were still in the woods and someone—maybe Billie!—was screaming.
When she opened her eyes, the sky was still dark beyond the small window, but there was a brightness in the east that heralded the sun. She and Billie were huddled together, as close to the fire as they dared. The fire was ash.
Fay lay on the floor in front of Dick’s cot, one hand tucked under her cheek, the other gripping Claudia’s axe. Dick lay on his back, one arm hanging off the side of the cot so he could rest a hand on Fay’s shoulder.
During the night, Claudia had toppled the chair over—how had they slept through the noise?—and cut herself across the cheek in the process. She was awake and glaring at Diana, crazy eyes in a blood-splattered face; majorly fucking creepy. Claudia snarled behind the gag.
Diana sat up and immediately regretted it as her overworked muscles, allowed to stiffen up overnight, screamed in agony. She stifled her whimpers behind a clenched fist to avoid waking the others.
The noise got louder until it became the full-throated roar of ATVs. Diana staggered to her feet, which were tingling and numb. She couldn’t take her shoes off, her feet were too swollen. Every step was painful, but she tottered to the door and threw it open.
If she could flag the riders down, they would be rescued. Despite her protesting, aching body, she headed for the sound and prayed these were normal, everyday ATV enthusiasts and not some cannibalistic, incestuous family reunion, out looking for a tasty co-ed for Granny’s casserole.
An ATV crested the ridge. The rider wore a flak jacket and ball cap with “police” stitched across it. Overwhelmed, she sank to the ground.
The officer shouted and waved, and there was a group of RCMP around her within a minute.
“Ma’am, are you in need of medical assistance?” one asked.
“No, Dick does, he’s been shot, he’s in the cabin, I think he’s in shock,” she murmured.
“Does anyone else need help?”
“No, just Claudia. She tried hacking us up with an axe, though, so Fay hit her in the head with a log, but I think her brains were scrambled way before that,” she said. “She shot Dick in the ass, hit him right in the cupcake.”
“She’s not making any sense.”
“I’m ready for the spa now, please.” Her eyelids were so heavy.
“Are you sure you’re okay? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say please before.”
She opened her eyes. Miles had bags under his eyes—his right eye was black, probably from Billie decking him earlier – and a five o’clock shadow; she never had seen anything so appealing in her life. Diana found reserves she didn’t know she had and tackled him, knocking him to the ground.
“Miles, Billie was so worried about you.” She burst into tears and buried her face in his neck.
He wrapped his arms around her. “I’m glad to see you, too,” he whispered in her ear.
She was crying too hard to answer, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him. He was warm, solid and safe.
Miles climbed to his feet, cradling her against his chest. Diana hiccupped and rested her head in the crook of his neck.
The commotion had awakened the rest of them and Billie tumbled out of the cabin, rubbing her eyes. “Diana?” she called sleepily. Her eyes widened when she saw the cops.
“Brace yourself,” Diana said, her lips brushing his neck. She smiled when he shuddered.
Billie ran to them, throwing her arms around them both. “Miles, you’re safe!”
“Told you so,” Diana purred. She had the wicked urge to nip his earlobe, but restrained herself. “Put me down, Miles.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to let you out of my sight for a while.”
“Miles, I haven’t had a cup of coffee yet. And that is only the first of a laundry list of problems I have this morning. Don’t press me. Put me down.”
“Pain in the ass.” He growled it, but it sounded like an endearment.
Her feet touched the ground, and she winced. Maybe that wasn’t such a great idea.
Billie hugged Miles. “So the station wasn’t closed. Claudia lied.”
Miles shook his head. “No, she didn’t. It was closed.” He rubbed his face. “That was real rough, getting there and realizing there wasn’t any rescue.” He paused for a moment. “I set up camp, figured I would have to hike into Penowa the next day. I thought Richard was dead. But in the middle of the night, the police showed up. They were already looking for us.”
“They finally realized the road was blocked?” Billie asked.
“No. I mean, they realized the road was blocked—some of the lodge employees tried to get out there, because they hadn’t heard from Joe and were worried, they’ve got a backhoe out there now, clearing it. But they didn’t know we needed help. At least, not at first.” Miles pointed up the hill, where a short, weathered old man talked to several police officers.
“Joe!” Diana screamed.
He waved.
“Joe didn’t disappear, he hiked into Penowa and called for help,” Miles said.
“Joe, you jerk, why didn’t you take me with you?” Diana yelled.
Joe moseyed down to where they stood. “Didn’t take anybody.”
“You bastard, I thought you’d been eaten by fucking wechuges!”
He laughed. “There’s no such thing. That’s a story for the tourists.”
“Joe, I mourned you! I shed a tear when I thought you were dead!”
Joe shrugged. “Couldn’t trust you.”
“Couldn’t trust me? Couldn’t trust me? Joe, I thought we were besties!”
“Nope.” Joe wandered off to talk to the cops.
“You didn’t cry over Joe,” Billie pointed out.
Diana waved her hand, dismissing this concern. “He doesn’t know that.” She frowned. “I can’t believe he took off without us. What an ass!”