Chapter 21: Shifting Views

Monday afternoon, Kazuki went with Sakura to her doctor’s appointment. When she mentioned going in for a check-up, he asked to join her, wanting to know more about her illness and to share this part of her life, if he could.

The long hospital building was wide and low, only four floors tall. Inside, everything was white, the walls, the ceiling, the nurses’ crisp uniforms, even the doctors’ jackets. The stench of disinfectant burned his nose and made his eyes water, forcing him to tune his sense of smell down as low as he could. He hated to think of how many times Sakura must have sat in this sterile, cold room, alone, contemplating her life while waiting to see how much longer she had.

When her name was called, they headed to the specified examination room where her doctor waited.

“Good afternoon, Sakura-chan. And this is?” The slight, bowed man gave him a curious glance over the top of his glasses.

“This is Ito Kazuki, the man I told you about. He is Ito-san’s cousin who returned to Japan not too long ago.” As Sakura repeated the half-truth they’d used at her school, the doctor shook his hand. “Kazuki, this is Tenma-sensei. He’s been my doctor all of this time.”

“Pleased to meet you and thank you. Sakura tells me you have been a great support to her.”

“I’m just doing what I can. It’s Sakura who is her own best champion because she doesn’t give up.”

“Tenma-sensei, Kazuki and I…that is…um…we are engaged.”

“Engaged?” The doctor looked as concerned as a father would have, as if tempted to hide Sakura behind him and demand to know what was going on.

“Yes, I know it’s sudden, but he makes me happy, I promise.” Sakura smiled at Tenma with one hand on his arm. That smile Kazuki himself could rarely refuse.

“I…I see. Well, congratulations.” Though he still looked concerned, the doctor motioned for her to sit at a chair with a fold-down tabletop. Tenma snapped on a pair of white gloves while Kazuki took a seat nearby. “Now then, has anything changed that I should know about?”

“I had another attack, late last week. And I think I’m getting tired more often. I’m having to go to bed earlier and it’s hard to wake up on time.”

Tenma tied a strange band around her upper arm then began feeling along the inside of her elbow, all the while staring down Kazuki. “How long has this been going on?”

“Hmmm, I guess a little over a week.”

The doctor nodded in response, then pierced her skin with a needle. Kazuki did his best to respectfully avoid Tenma’s gaze as he watched the glass at the end of the syringe fill with blood. It was fascinating to think they could learn a lot about her current health just from two vials of blood. It was making him wish he’d read more on human medicine. It was one aspect of human culture he’d mostly skipped, figuring it would be boring and close enough to the yokai world’s methods, like math was.

Once he had the blood vials capped and labeled, Tenma applied a bandage to the wound and removed the band. “Are you making sure to eat well? Not doing anything too strenuous?”

“Yes, I am and no, Kazuki and Karasu-kun wouldn’t let me even if I tried to.”

“Karasu-kun?”

“He’s my younger brother.” It was close enough to the truth that it was an easy lie for Kazuki.

“Ah.” The doctor popped up from his seat and stood. “Well, that is good then. Both of you, keep it up. Sakura-chan can sometimes be a bit stubborn.”

“Am not!” She smiled as she said it. From the doctor’s chuckle, Kazuki suspected this was a familiar routine for them.

“Now then, please change into this gown and we can begin the rest of the tests.” Tenma led Kazuki out into the hall then walked down a little bit so he could lean against the window that overlooked the bay. Kazuki followed.

“Who are you, really?” Tenma asked without glancing at him.

“What do you mean?”

“I know for a fact that Ito-san did not have any cousins.” Tenma looked up at him, his suspicion plain to see.

Kazuki leaned on the glass beside him, keeping his own gaze steady as he spoke. “I’m sorry. It was not a lie intended to harm anyone. Hiro was a very good friend of mine. I had to return home to my own country not long after we met. As we said, I only recently returned to Japan. Of course, I immediately came to visit Hiro, only to learn I’d returned too late. That was when I met Sakura.”

“What do you want with her? Money?”

“No, believe me, I have more than enough of my own. At first, I simply wished to help her to honor my friend. I felt as if he led me to return at this time so that she would not be alone anymore. Then before I knew it, she’d stolen my heart.”

Tenma stared at him a full minute before answering, his probing eyes assessing him. Finally he relaxed his stance some. “How much do you know about her condition?”

“She has told me everything, including that she does not have long left. I admit, I do not fully understand the medical terms and the like. That was one reason I wanted to come today, so I could better understand this and what she is going through.”

“Okay. Just make sure you’re with her because you do love her, and not out of some sense of pity or obligation. You will need a strong heart to endure being with her to the end.” Tenma pushed off the wall and said, “She looks happy, so for now, I’ll leave it at that. Come, she should be done changing. I’ll explain the tests for you as we go along.”

“Thank you.”

Back in the examination room, Tenma had Sakura sit on the table while he listened to her heart and lungs. Then he used a wide cuff wrapped tightly around her arm to measure the pressure of her blood. It seemed like a strange thing to want to know, but as promised, Tenma told him about each procedure as they went through them.

“Good, now we’ll do the echocardiogram.” He put a small device against Sakura’s chest under the gown and began easing it from side to side while watching a nearby screen. “This device sends out sound waves into the body that bounce off her heart. It will let us get a picture of her heart’s muscle.”

Kazuki thought that sounded painful, having things bouncing off her heart. As if seeing his concern, she smiled up at him. “It’s okay. It doesn’t hurt at all. The jelly is a little cold at first, but that’s normal.”

“Okay.” He held her hand anyway, as much to comfort himself as her. Half an hour later, that test was done and the transponder put away.

“Now then, we’ll get an electrocardiogram, or ECG for short.” He stuck a dozen patches all over Sakura’s arms, legs, and chest. Wires led from them to a machine that began beeping after he flipped a switch. “With this test, we can check the rate and rhythm of Sakura’s heartbeat and get an indication of the thickness of the heart muscle.”

It took less than a minute. Then the patches were removed.

“The last thing we’ll do today is use a catheter to get measurements and blood samples directly from different parts of Sakura’s heart.” He held up a small hollow tube, explaining that they would insert it into a blood vessel in her neck, and send the tiny collecting needle down into the heart.

“We will apply local anesthesia to the spot so Sakura won’t feel a thing. I’ll be right back.”

After Tenma left, Kazuki moved closer to hold Sakura’s hand, unable to stop his own from shaking. The idea of sticking anything down her body like that terrified him.

“It isn’t my favorite part, but I promise I barely feel it.” She covered his hand with her other hand. “I’m sorry…Maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t let you come.”

“No, I want to know all of it, even the scary parts. I just wish I could do more for you.”

“You love me. That is more than enough.”

It was late by the time they were done. Though it would be awhile before some of the test results came back, from what the doctor had seen Sakura’s suspicions were correct. Her condition had worsened, but Tenma had assured them that she was still about where they thought she would be at this point. He increased the doses of some of her medicines and confirmed that Kazuki knew how to administer both her inhaler and her nitro spray.

The doctor walked them to the entrance, standing just outside with them as the sun dipped low in the sky. “Be careful as winter really sets in. Take extra precautions to avoid catching a cold. A cough would be bad for your lungs. Bundle up and avoid being outside too much. Kazuki-san, I will be trusting you to take care of her.”

Kazuki bowed deeply. “Thank you, I will. You have my word.”

Back home, Sakura rested in the living room. Leaving Karasu to watch over her, Kazuki went to a restaurant to pick up dinner. They ate in silence, each seemingly lost in his or her own thoughts, until Sakura set down her chopsticks.

“Um, Kazuki?”

“Yes?”

“I…” He could see her trembling. “If you promise it really won’t hurt you, I…the potion…I want to try it.”

Sakura forced herself to watch as Kazuki sliced the palm of his hand with a knife. As his blood began to flow, he curled his hand into a fist and held it over the small pot of ingredients boiling over the stove. One…two…three…she counted as drop after drop of the dark red liquid went into the potion. She took a sip of ginger tea to try to calm the tumbling act her stomach was performing.

Kazuki had offered to make the dohame while she waited in the living room, or to even wait and do it tomorrow while she was at school, but she’d refused. If he could give up his blood for this potion, the least she could do was watch. Once Kazuki started, Karasu stayed beside her, holding her hand the whole time.

Twenty drops later, Kazuki moved his hand away, wrapping it in a towel. She was doubly glad she’d insisted he only make one dose—shuddering to think how much more the full five he wanted to make would have needed.

With a wooden spoon, Kazuki stirred the simmering potion. Five times clockwise then five the other way. Then four clockwise, four the other way, and so on until he stirred once each way and set the spoon aside. An almost fruity scent filled the kitchen, not the sort of fragrance she expected from a pot filled with the herbs and vegetable-looking things that had gone in there before the blood.

Karasu gave her hand a squeeze before letting it go and taking the other chair.

“It needs to continue to cook for ten minutes.” Kazuki set the timer before joining them at the dining table. Resting his chin on his fingers, Kazuki watched her. The pose felt so familiar to her now, his “contemplation pose” as she called it. When he was done, he lifted his head. “Sakura, may I ask, what caused you to change your mind?”

“It was a couple of things, I guess. The attack the other day…it scared me.” She looked down, determined not to cry again as she confessed to the two watching yokai. “I thought that was it, that I was going to die there just like that. It’s strange, you know? The whole event only lasted a few minutes, but so many things went through my mind that it felt like hours. So many things I hadn’t said yet, so many things I wanted to do that I hadn’t done. Then today, Tenma-sensei confirmed my fears, that I’m getting worse. I thought about those regrets, what it would be like lying in that hospital bed at the end for hours at a time with nothing but those thoughts going through my mind.”

She paused and closed her eyes, taking a calming breath. “Have you ever heard of a bucket list?”

Kazuki and Karasu shook their heads.

“Well, it’s basically a list of things someone wants to do before they die. It’s a popular thing for people to do, maybe as a way of reminding themselves to live their lives to the fullest or something.” She pulled the heavily wrinkled paper from her pocket, unfolded it and laid it on the table. “This was the list I wrote a few years ago.”

Kazuki turned the list toward himself, tilting it just enough that Karasu could read along with him. When they were both looking up at her again, she continued.

“I realize some of those are almost impossible now. We couldn’t go to another country, and it’s too cold to fly a kite or ride in a hot air balloon. And one day isn’t enough time to do it all, but I’d like to do some of them, if we could. Together, the three of us.”

“Me too?” Karasu asked with a curious expression.

“Of course. You’re my family, the two of you.”

His face turned bright pink. “Okay.”

“Well then, my lady, have you decided which we shall do?” Kazuki asked.

“Almost. We don’t have school this Saturday, so I was thinking I could drink it first thing in the morning, then we’d make a long day of it.”

Kazuki looked at the list again. “Do you have a camera?”

“Just Ito-san’s old one. It doesn’t work anymore, though.”

“Could we perhaps acquire one before the weekend?”

“Sure, if you want. The weather should be good tomorrow, so I’ll pick one up on my way home from school.”

“Good. I want to have pictures. They are good things to have I think.” He smiled at her as the timer by the stove began beeping.

The sun was shining when Sakura left the camera store, her new camera tucked in the swaying bag at her side. She hadn’t realized how many options there were now, but the clerk helped her find a model that would work well in the sorts of places they would be going, while still being easy enough to use that she could teach Kazuki and Karasu in a short amount of time.

Part of her was excited about Saturday, a whole day of having fun free of pain or fear. She kept going over her list, trying to decide which things were the most important for her to experience and also the most doable with the constraints of travel and time. There was also one other thing she planned to ask for, but that wasn’t something to write on a list anyone could read.

Her anticipation was tempered only by the morbidity of it all. The dohame was giving her a chance to make some final memories before it was too late. While she had always known she’d die from her condition, it was only now that she found herself looking over her shoulder, waiting for a shinigami[47] to come for her.

She hadn’t mentioned it to Tenma-sensei or Kazuki, but since the attack, she’d been having nightmares. Dreams of her collapsed on the side of the street with curious strangers milling around, watching her die. Dreams of dying alone at home, her body lying where she fell, phone just out of reach, to remain there for weeks until someone finally found her. Dreams of a funeral with only two or three people attending; Tenma-sensei looking defeated and worn as he stood over her casket.

She gave herself a mental shake, turning into the nearby playground to clear her dark thoughts before she went home. Though it was warmer than usual, there were only two kids there, playing in the sandbox. As she walked toward the swing set, she spotted a familiar face sitting on one of them.

“Akari-san?” Akari’s eyes were red and puffy, as if she’d been crying.

“Oh, hey.” She looked back down and gave her swing the barest of pushes, sending it into short, slow arcs back and forth.

Sakura set down her bags and sat in the swing beside her, giving her own a slight push as well. For a few minutes they swung side by side without saying a word.

“Sakura-chan, I’m sorry,” Akari said in a quiet voice.

“For what?”

“First year, a few days into the semester, I saw you in the bathroom, taking some pills. Of course now I know it was your medicine, but at the time, I didn’t know what to think. People were already talking about how you were a pampered rich girl and how the teachers let you do anything you wanted. I guess people from your middle school started most of that. When I saw you taking those pills, I…I decided you were a drug addict on top of everything else. It was wrong of me. I made so many false presumptions about you without even bothering to get to know you first. Hina was right to fuss at me for being so close-minded. I’m disappointed in myself for how I mistreated you. So, I wanted to apologize.”

“I see.” The swing creaked as she set it moving again. “Well, I can’t say I blame you. I did everything I could to make all of you hate me. I thought it was best to be alone, but I never thought about how much it would hurt, the idea that people would remember me in such a negative way. But then Hina-chan came along and pushed past my walls, dragging you with her. I’m glad she did, though. I just wish I could have gotten to know you sooner. You’re smart, determined, organized, and I know from Hina that you make a pretty awesome friend. I’m glad I got to know you, finally, and I’m sorry too, for not giving you a chance sooner.”

Akari chuckled. “Here we are, two sorry girls crying in a park on such a pretty day.”

“Yeah.” Sakura laughed with her as she set the swing going again. “Is that why you were crying earlier?”

“Ah, no. That was something else.”

“Want to talk about it? I’ve gotten rather good at listening, I think.” Sakura looked at her with a warm smile.

“Did you know my mom is an actress?”

“No, I had no idea.”

“She does television dramas mostly, but her career really took off after she was in a movie a few years ago, so she’s in high demand. Dad manages a band that has been really successful here and abroad. So they are always working. It’s funny, I could never even figure out how they met, much less why they bothered marrying. They failed the first time. What’s one more?” Bitterness stained her voice. “Anyway, that’s no way to stay in love, right? So it wasn’t much of a surprise when they announced last night that they have decided to divorce.”

Akari pushed off her swing again, leaning back to look up at the sky. “I didn’t even feel sad when they said it. Just wondered why they took so long. They were so calm about it, almost like they were reading a weather report.”

“If it doesn’t bother you, why are you crying?” Sakura asked as fresh tears started rolling down Akari’s cheeks.

“That’s just it, I’m not really sure. I mean, it’s not like we were much of a family to begin with, so what does it matter if we split apart? They asked me who I wanted to live with.” She stopped her swing, scuffing the ground with her shoe. “I yelled at them that it didn’t matter, that it wasn’t like they would be around anyway or that they wanted me. They were just being selfish, making me change schools just so they could have a different place to store their stuff. It wasn’t like I ever saw either of them, so what did it matter which place they didn’t bother coming home to? I’d be alone either way.”

Akari’s voice hitched as she began crying in earnest. Sakura stopped her swing to stand beside her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders and leaning her head on hers.

“How could I say something so mean? I could tell it hurt them. Mom looked like she was going to cry. Even Aki seemed disappointed in me. Then like a coward, I ran out of the room. I didn’t even apologize! They chose their careers over their kids, but they don’t leave us wanting for anything either. To say something that horrible to them—I’m the worst.”

Sakura held her tight as she cried. When her sobs quieted, Sakura gave her another squeeze before leaning back to look at her. “You aren’t horrible, not at all. You were hurting and all the hurt from over the years just kind of came out at once. It’s a normal thing. We’ve all done it at one time or another. I bet they understand better than you might think, so you should talk to them.”

“You’re right, I should.” Akari pulled out her handkerchief and wiped her face dry. “And I guess I need to tell Hina that I’ll be moving away soon.”

Sakura sat back in her swing as she realized that the divorce meant Akari would be leaving. “It does kind of suck that you have to go halfway through the year.”

“Yeah. They both already have new places to live, Mom in Tokyo and Dad in Osaka. It’s too far to commute every day.” Akari stood and grabbed Sakura’s hands. “But I promise, no matter what, I’ll be here for your wedding, okay? So don’t start without me!”

“We won’t, promise. Can’t start without all of my friends there, right?”

“Akari!” Aki called out from the driver’s window of his car, parked on the nearby road. After retrieving their bags, they walked over. Aki set his emergency blinkers and got out of the car. “I was looking for you. I got worried when you didn’t come back after school.”

“I’m sorry. I just needed some time to think.”

“It’s okay. Hey, Sakura-chan.”

“Good afternoon, Aki-san.”

Aki wiped a stray tear from Akari’s face. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah, Sakura-chan listened to me whine for a while. Sorry I was so bratty last night,” Akari said with a shaky smile. “Are Mom and Dad still home?”

“Yeah, they didn’t want to leave without talking to you again.”

She squared her shoulders. “I guess I better go apologize to them then. Even if I was being honest, I could have been kinder about it.”

“That’s my girl.” He ruffled her hair affectionately as he grinned at her. “I probably should too. After you left, I kind of gave them a piece of my mind as well. I also told them that if you were okay with it, you could come live with me so you don’t have to change schools so close to graduation.”

“Really?” Akari grabbed his arm. “Would that really be okay?”

“Yep. I know you wouldn’t want to leave now. How on earth would Sakura-chan plan her wedding without a certain little tyrant bossing her around?” He winked at Sakura.

“Nii-san![48] I’m not a tyrant. I’m just helping keep things organized!”