FOR the next week, Sofia immersed herself in tap-dancing practice. She watched the videos of the routine and the feelings she had when she first danced re-emerged – the wonder when her feet moved with the steps, the sight of her body swaying as she shifted her weight from one side to the other, and her absorption in the movement.
Pacing the beach, Sofia tried to make sense of the flurry of ideas and options that raced through her mind. She bought an exercise book and drew thought bubbles, making a huge mess on the page.
The night before Sofia was due to go to Brisbane to meet with Andrew Dumas and for the competition Rob came home early for dinner. He followed Sofia around the house as she was packing, trying to help her and asking what she was doing. He even tried to follow when she went to the toilet.
Sofia studied herself in the bathroom mirror. She saw a mature, fit woman, not too bad for her age, with only a few wrinkles if she didn’t put the mirror lights on. The strands of grey in her dark hair softened her face. If they met, she’d admire this woman. Sofia realised this was the best she would ever be and resolved to face the facts, no matter the consequences.
‘What’s really going on, Rob?’ she asked when she returned to the kitchen to check the stew they were having for dinner. She filled her glass with water.
‘I just want to make sure you’re all right. You’ve put so much into the finals, you have to win.’
‘I don’t care about whether we win or lose the finals. What I care about is that you are having an affair.’
‘No … I didn’t … say that,’ said Rob.
‘What do you mean you didn’t say that? You told me in Greece. You aren’t going to lie to me now, are you?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t really call it an affair,’ Rob replied.
‘What would you call it?’
‘Look, I told you it’s complicated. But it’ll be all right and, well, not everything is about you.’
‘Rob, this is about me. Have you finished up with her?’
‘Um yes … well sort of … not fully,’ said Rob. ‘I did, but she, she won’t leave me alone.’
Rob pulled the tray of bread out of the oven and burnt his finger. Sofia turned the tap on so he could cool it.
‘Rob, I don’t understand what you are saying. Do you mean she’s harassing you?’
‘No, of course not, it’s just that …’ Rob poured a glass of red wine for them both. He took a sip. ‘Sofia, I love you. And I’ve been a good husband, haven’t I? I’ve provided for us and the children. Look how well they’ve done for themselves.’
‘You have, but that’s not the point. How can you say you love me when you’ve been sleeping with someone else?’ Sofia fetched a burn cream from the medicine cabinet and put it on Rob’s finger. The diamond on his wedding ring glimmered. ‘You’ve been unfaithful to me.’
‘I was always faithful. I never meant to stray. When my colleagues were cheating, I never did. I was loyal to you.’
His words seemed to land in the air just in front of her. She could see them, but they were distorted. Sofia leaned against the kitchen bench. She went over what Rob said and tried to make sense of it.
‘Rob, please just tell me the whole truth.’
‘It wasn’t my fault.’ Rob turned off the stove. ‘It wasn’t really anyone’s fault. It just happened.’
‘What just happened?’
‘I fell in love.’
Sofia was stunned. Their life was a stack of cards balanced on a wobbly table. One move and everything would come tumbling down. She had an urge to push the whole pack over in one swoop.
‘You fell in love? So, you suddenly fell out of love with me and in love with this other woman. This … what is her name?’
‘Lindy. Her name’s Lindy. And I didn’t fall out of love with you. I still love you so much, Sofia.’
‘How can you say that? I don’t understand how you can say you still love me, when you fell in love with Lindy. Surely you don’t expect me to believe you love both of us?’
‘But I do. Sofia, I don’t want to lose you. I love you, and our life together means so much to me.’
Sofia studied Rob for the first time in years. He was no longer the tall imposing man who led her into the reception room on their wedding day amidst a cloud of smoke. Or who chuckled at the children playing under the tables laden with flowers, mezedes, and pouches of almonds. Now he was slightly stooped and his hair had started to go grey around his temples. There were deep worry lines on his forehead and around his eyes.
‘How long has it been going on?’ she asked.
‘This time, almost nine months.’
‘What do you mean, this time? Have there been other women?’
‘Other women. No, of course not. What do you take me for? I’m not a philanderer.’
‘What would you call it then?’
‘Don’t be sarcastic, Sofia, it doesn’t suit you.’ Rob put the bread and saucepan onto a tray and carried them to the table. Sofia took a seat while Rob filled her bowl with steaming arni me fassolakia.
‘Rob, can you please tell me exactly what happened? When did this, this, affair, relationship, love interest start?’
‘About ten years ago. Several months after Lindy started working at the company.’
Sofia tried to recall what was happening in their lives at the time. She was focused on Nicholas, who was in his last year of university and Rob was constantly working late. And then it dawned on her. Lindy James. The woman Rob introduced her to at the Christmas party. She was an attractive well-dressed younger woman, around late thirties, with light brown hair.
‘Rob, how could you do this to me?’
Sofia put her spoon down. The thick stew looked like road-kill and she pushed her plate away.
‘Sofia, I didn’t do it to you. It wasn’t my fault, it just happened. I didn’t mean to hurt you.’
Sofia rose from the table and paced around the dining room. She opened the sliding doors and went onto the terrace. She felt the cool sea breeze on her neck and thought that soon it would be light enough to eat dinner on the terrace. If she ever ate dinner again.
Rob brought her a glass of red wine and a pashmina and stood beside her.
‘I know how much you love this place,’ he said.
‘I do.’ Sofia wrapped the pashmina around her shoulders and took a sip of wine. ‘Let me get this clear. You and Lindy James have been together for the past ten years and I had no idea.’
‘It wasn’t ten years. We broke up, about five years ago. She, she fell in love with someone else and left me.’
‘She left you? For another man? That’s rich.’ Rob’s expression was indiscernible against the lights in the house. ‘And five years ago. Wait, that was about the time you retired. So that’s why you were so ready to relocate. I thought you really wanted to come up here.’
‘I did. It was just a coincidence. And I knew how much you wanted to be close to the beach and to Carol. Sofia, I love you so much.’
‘How can you possibly say that?’ Sofia went to the edge of the terrace and watched the moon come out from behind a cloud. ‘Let me get this straight. You were with this Lindy for five years, and she broke it off five years ago?’ Rob nodded. ‘So, how come you were with her in the unit?’
‘Late last year, I ran into her again. At a Christmas work reunion. You couldn’t come as you had a tap-dancing commitment. I didn’t expect to see her, but there she was. She’d broken up with her boyfriend.’
Sofia stared at Rob and realised she didn’t know this man. She searched his face in the dim light. She noticed his well-groomed hair and expensive casual clothes which flattered his body. He looked well preserved.
‘Did you start up where you’d left off?’
‘Not at first. She has a child. To the other fellow, not me. Says she wants to have a real family life and maybe another child now that she has discovered her maternal instinct.’
‘A family? Rob, you’re not seriously considering …’
‘Of course not. I’m too old to start again. I’ve tried to end the relationship for good. But I just can’t seem to.’
Sofia had a picture of Rob leaving the apartment so that she’d find it in a mess. Maybe he wanted her to discover his secret and expected her to do his dirty work. She went inside and sat on the sofa. Her head thumped and her eyesight blurred. Rob followed and sat opposite her. He put his head in his hands. He rocked and let out several huge sighs. Sofia felt a cold fear rise from her toes, up through her legs to her belly. When Rob looked up he had tears in his eyes and his face had aged.
‘Sofia, please. We can work this out. I still love you and we can have a good life. Together. Here.’
‘Work it out? You mean you expect me to stay and play happy families knowing you’ve been cheating on me for years. And to make it worse, you’ve started up again. You’re disgusting.’
Sofia rose from the sofa and paced up and down the room.
‘Honey, don’t be upset. Please be reasonable. Stay home tomorrow and we can talk more. I can drive you to Brisbane the following day.’
‘Of course I’m upset. You come to the finals of the competition if you want to, but I’m going to Brisbane tomorrow with my friends. Just stay out of my way, I’m going to bed.’
Sofia slid under the bed covers. The sheets scratched at her skin. Her whole body ached, from the top of her head to her big toe. The pounding surf rang in her ears. Distorted images flashed across her closed eyes. Flares of light and pieces of bodies floated around her. Her life seemed to fracture into disjointed pieces of a puzzle. She took a migraine tablet. As she sunk into sleep, Sofia wondered if she could put the shards of her life back together in a different pattern.
When Sofia awoke the house was still and the room was dark. She could hear the surf rolling in the distance. Her head was clear and she checked her body. She wiggled her toes, she felt her thighs, her pelvis, and her breasts. No pain. She breathed into her diaphragm, swelling her belly with fresh air, holding her breath and letting it go in a sigh.
She rose and sat on the terrace, watching the glorious, changing sky and feeling the sun flood her face with colour. If only the competition was over and she could sit on the terrace for the rest of the day. The sooner this is over the better, she thought.
Sofia passed the closed door of the spare room and heard Rob snoring. She finished packing and left the house.