A couple of months passed and Sasha let go of the idea of selling the house. Our community was pretty much back to normal after the murder of Glen Mathis.
The residents of Springfield Hills accepted that he had murdered Taylor Flanagan and almost got away with it had it not been for the heroism of an anonymous Good Samaritan.
Weirdly, the police didn’t work too hard trying to find Glen Mathis’s killer, and I took their lack of interest as a green light for us to continue our vigilantism. But it was only when Phoenix really needed to appease his cravings, and at the moment, he was in good spirits and seemed fine.
The feeling of love in our household was palpable. Sasha and I spent quality time with each other by going out for date night once a week. We took turns choosing places to rendezvous, and although I wasn’t always crazy about Sasha’s selections, making her happy was worth enduring a few hours at Butterfly Wonderland, the indoor home of thousands of butterflies.
With Sasha and I on good terms, the kids seemed to thrive emotionally. Zoe wasn’t such a smart-mouth lately, and Phoenix wasn’t nearly as withdrawn and anxious as he’d been before our get-together with Glen Mathis. Phoenix’s friends came over often and hung out by the pool, and he had a new, extremely expensive therapist that I hoped was helping him learn how to cope with his problem.
I no longer believed that he needed to be locked inside a rubber room for life. He knew that I was here for him whenever his cravings returned. In fact, I was so on top of Phoenix’s needs that I began my own research, using the National Sex Offender list to locate child molesters in our area.
There was one that I was tracking on social media, and was able to monitor his movements online. In an attempt to make himself seem like a regular guy, he posted regularly, capturing photos of himself posing next to his SUV, hiking with friends, swimming and mountain climbing. He wanted to be perceived as an earthy outdoorsman, and I had him in my crosshairs for being so deceitful.
The moment I felt that Phoenix needed a fix, Mr. Outdoorsy would be our man.
One Friday evening while Sasha was working late, I decided to try my hand at preparing something a little more wholesome, something that the kids and I both would like. Usually, I ordered Chinese or pizza on Fridays, but I was tired of commercial fast-food. The pizza in Arizona never quite stood up to the slices I used to buy at Philadelphia pizza parlors.
I looked in the freezer and there was an abundance of ground beef. I checked online for a recipe and the first thing that popped up was Cheesy Ground Beef Pasta. The kids loved anything with cheese, and the recipe was simple, so I went for it.
Phoenix and Zoe were out in the pool. After months of lessons, Zoe was no longer afraid of being underwater and was thinking about joining the swim team when she entered middle school in September. She was such a good swimmer that Phoenix routinely snuck up on her and tossed her in the water, and she’d laugh every time.
I sliced cheese and chopped onions on the counter near the window, allowing me to observe the kids. After putting the dish in the oven, I noticed that they had gotten out of the water and were sitting on lounge chairs, talking animatedly. Their closeness warmed my heart, and I was a little ashamed to have thought that it was even remotely possible that Phoenix would ever hurt Zoe.
As I watched them relaxing by the pool, I was struck by the idea to give Phoenix a taste of his own medicine. He didn’t have an older sibling to torment him, and it was up to me to assume that role.
Smiling devilishly, I crept out the house and snuck up on them from behind. Engrossed in their conversation, they didn’t sense my approach. Only a few feet away, I could clearly hear what Phoenix was saying.
“It won’t hurt, I promise,” he said.
“But suppose it does,” whined Zoe.
“Would I ever hurt you, Zoe?”
“No.”
“Then trust me. You might feel a little panicky when I cut off your air supply, but if you trust me and relax, you’ll enjoy it. Lots of high school kids experiment with asphyxiation. It’s like getting high without using drugs.”
“Okay, you can choke me, but only for, like, a few moments. If I stamp my feet, that means I’m not enjoying it and I want you to stop.”
“Cool. But believe me, you’re gonna love it, and I bet you’ll start coming to my room, asking for it.”
“I don’t think so,” Zoe said, giggling nervously.
Outraged, I stepped forward and smacked Phoenix in the back of his head…hard!
“Ow!” With his hand pressed against the back of his head, he swiveled his neck around and stared at me with wide-eyed fear in his eyes.
“Have you lost your mind?”
“I was only kidding with her. I wasn’t going to do it. I swear.”
I gazed at Zoe. “Go to your room.”
“But I didn’t do anything.”
“Go to your room!” I bellowed.
Frightened, she jumped up and ran to the back door. Once she was inside, I glared at Phoenix.
“After all I’ve done to help you, this is how you repay me…by violating my trust?”
“But I was only playing with her.”
“Stop insulting me with your lies. I told you to come to me when and if your urges returned, but being above board and honest is too much like right, isn’t it?”
“No!”
“Sure it is. You prefer to sneak around and dominate defenseless little girls because they’re easy prey and because you’re nothing but a coward. Too physically weak and emotionally timid to challenge yourself and go up against someone your own size or bigger.
“Don’t say that. It’s not true,” he cried, tears beginning to pool in his eyes.
I looked at him sneeringly. “I’m so disappointed in you, and now I have to figure out how to deal with this. Since I can no longer trust that Zoe is safe with you around, I’m going to have to take drastic measures.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. But I do know that I can’t have you lurking around and preying on Zoe, that’s for sure.”
“Good! You should be very afraid.”
“I’m serious. I’ll kill myself before I let you put me away for thirty days.”
Thirty days? Ha! You wish! A lifetime would be more accurate, buddy.
“I was too embarrassed to tell you that the urges had returned so soon. I thought I could handle it myself without bothering you. I wasn’t going to kill her…honest. I was only going to choke her enough to knock her out—”
“You don’t play around with your sister’s life. Repeatedly knocking her out could cause brain damage, you fucking moron! We agreed that Zoe and all little kids were off-limits, but you went back on your word. And now you’re going to pay.”
Livid, I was absolutely ready to call the men in white coats to come and get him, and I’d give them a heads-up to bring along a straitjacket.
But when he collapsed from his chair and literally curled into a fetal knot, crying and sucking his thumb, I was reminded of the three-year-old preschooler whom I had abandoned in the park.
And once again, my heart broke into a thousand pieces.
I knew that thumb sucking had something to do with the need to feel secure, and the thought of being put away in an institution was so traumatizing that he had resorted to infantilizing himself. And it was a scary thing to see.
I dropped to my knees and vigorously shook him. “Phoenix! Snap out of it.”
I tried to straighten his legs out, but he had them balled so tightly, it was impossible for me to unfurl them. I stroked the side of his face and told him that everything would be all right.
“I have a plan,” I told him. “There’s a guy from Tucson that I’ve been stalking online. He’s a nature guy, always out in the open, hiking and canoeing, and things like that. Next weekend, he’s going camping—”
Phoenix unfurled himself and sat up. “How do you know?” he asked with his thumb still in his mouth. It was hard to look at him like that and I quickly dropped my eyes.
“He posted a picture of his admission ticket to the campgrounds,” I said, focused on his kneecaps, unable to look directly at him. “How’s that sound, buddy?”
“Awesome,” he replied and finally removed his thumb from his mouth.
I stood up. “I’m going back in and check on the food. Dinner should be ready in about thirty minutes.”
“What’re we having, pizza or Chinese?” he asked, sounding like his old self.
“Neither. I cooked. Cheesy Beef Pasta. You’ll like it,” I said and turned toward the house.
• • •
Sasha knew how much I’d wanted to experience a male-bonding activity with Phoenix, and to show some support, she bought me a folding knife with a beautiful mother-of-pearl handle. I felt guilty for lying about the real reason for the trip, but lying to my wife had become routine.
I’d been busy shopping for camping gear the week leading up to the camping trip, and the only thing I hadn’t thought of was a camping knife.
I took off early on Friday and dropped Zoe off at the larger of Sasha’s two dental practices.
“I want to go,” she said for the hundredth time.
“Men only,” Phoenix teased.
“You’re not a man,” she retorted.
“Pops, if only she knew…right?” he said, gazing at me with a cheesy grin.
I ignored him and focused my attention on Zoe. “Listen, princess, the next time we go camping, it’ll be a family event. Phoenix and I want to try it out first and work out all the kinks, so that things go smoothly when you ladies join us.”
Refusing to be placated, she screwed up her lips, got out of the shiny SUV that I had leased after I’d turned my car over to a chop shop.
Sitting behind the wheel, I watched closely as Zoe opened the door and meandered inside.
During the two-hour-long drive to Tucson, Phoenix and I did very little talking. He mostly listened to music through his headphones while I was in deep thought about the task ahead. Surprisingly, he didn’t seem all that excited this time, and hardly asked any questions about the kill. He was carrying the garrote inside his backpack, and was prepared to go into action at my command.
After we arrived, I set up the tent with no assistance from my son. Instead of helping, he chose to sulk. I had warned him that we were leaving technology behind in order to derive the full experience of roughing it in the woods, but he must have thought I was kidding.
“Can’t we, like, buy Internet access?” he asked in a complaining tone.
“We’re here for two reasons: to perfect our camping skills and to take down Liam Armstrong.”
“Who’s that?”
I rolled my eyes.
“Oh, that’s the guy we’re gonna snuff.” He laughed. Apparently, taking a man’s life had become commonplace for him.
After I pitched the tent, I went out and collected wood and tried my best to get Phoenix interested in building a fire, so that we could roast hotdogs. He frowned and asked why we hadn’t brought along some charcoal and a grill like our neighbors to the left of our tent.
Rather than argue with him, I knelt down to do it myself. I’d watched so many episodes of Survivor over the past ten years, I thought I had the process down pat, but after an hour elapsed with me still rubbing the same two sticks together, I thought it might be a good idea to take a walk to the camping and rock shop and purchase some flint.
Just when I was about to give up, the friction buildup turned the wood into a hot ember. I quickly transferred the ember onto my bundle of tinder and started blowing. When a tall fire began to grow, I whooped in celebration, as if the Phoenix Suns had just won the championship.
Seeing the flames I’d created, other campers clapped and cheered for me.
We cooked hotdogs and ate them, and having food in his stomach seemed to put Phoenix in a better mood. Feeling good about our venture into camping, I gave him a warm look. “Let’s go get some more wood, so we can keep the fire going all night.”
It was obvious that he would have preferred playing games on his phone than collecting wood, and he sighed as he dragged his feet toward me.
“Bring your backpack.”
“For what?”
“In case we bump into Liam.”
“Oh, all right.” He brightened visibly and picked up his backpack from the ground and flung it over his shoulders.
The sun was still shining bright as we trekked into the woods, scanning the ground for sizable twigs and fallen branches. The sun began to cast a dim glow as we moved deeper into the forest and we both focused on finding Liam rather than wood.
“There aren’t any people around, and I don’t think we’re gonna find that guy out here,” Phoenix stated, looking around and observing the secluded area we had wandered into.
“We’ll have to put our heads together and come up with a plan. Let’s sit down and talk.” I pointed to the ground in front of a tall oak tree with a huge trunk.
“I don’t want to sit here. A snake could jump out of those weeds.” He gestured toward the tall grass near the gnarled surface roots of the tree.
“This is a camping trip, not a weekend stay at a luxurious hotel. Now, sit down.” He reluctantly lowered himself to the ground. “Did you bring water?”
“Only one bottle.”
“We can share it,” I said, reaching for his backpack. I rummaged through it, but instead of taking out the water, I pulled out the garrote. “You know I love you, son.”
“Yeah?” His eyes darted back and forth from the garrote to my face. I knew I looked crazy as I held the murder weapon in my hand, and I started to sweat so profusely, I had to use my shirt-covered shoulder to wipe the moisture away.
“What’s going on, Pops? You’re starting to scare me.”
“I love you and I’ve tried really hard to be a good father, but nothing I do seems to work. You’re sick, son. Very sick—”
“What are you saying?” He tried to rise from the ground, but I yanked him back down.
“Help!” he hollered at the top of his lungs. I briefly covered his mouth with my hand and then released it and swiftly looped the wire around his neck. “Don’t do it, Pops. I’m begging you…don’t do it.”
A deluge of teardrops ran from my eyes. “I’m sorry, Phoenix, but Zoe isn’t safe with you around.”
“Then send me back to Philly, please!”
“And how many innocent little girls will die when you return to Philly?”
“None. I won’t do it anymore. I promise.”
I shook my head. “It’s too late. I failed you, and I’m so sorry.”
He let out a painful little squeal when I pulled on the wire. Instinctually, his hands went to his neck as he attempted to remove the garrote from his neck.
Wanting to end his fear and his suffering, I pulled the metal handles with all of my might. I heard bloody squishing sounds as the wire cut into his neck, causing him to go limp. I let go and he fell forward. When I lifted him up, I saw that I had applied so much pressure, I’d nearly decapitated him.
His complexion was gray and his unseeing eyes were wide open.
I let out a cry of anguish and held him close to me. “I failed you. I failed you. Please forgive me,” I murmured as I held his head in place with the palm of my hand, trying to keep it from lolling backward.
To return to my beautiful life with Sasha and Zoe was more than I deserved. But of course that would never happen because there was no way that I could talk my way out of a murder conviction. I was comforted by the fact that Sasha would not have to live in shame. The community would look upon her with pity for being married to a madman that murdered his own son.
Not wanting my wife to be in the dark about the man she was married to, I had written her a letter, confessing everything about Phoenix and me. I mailed it on the way to the campgrounds. She could turn the information over to the police or she could keep it to herself. The choice was hers. I told her to kiss Zoe for me and to tell her that I would always love her.
I’d also written a letter to my parents, expressing my love, and a letter to Ahiga, thanking him for all that he’d done for me and telling him goodbye.
I had expected to live to a ripe old age, to witness all of Zoe’s life’s milestones, and to one day walk her down the aisle. But it wasn’t in the cards for me.
With a sigh of resignation, I kissed Phoenix’s cheek and then laid his body down. I reached into my pocket and pulled out Sasha’s gift. I opened the glimmering knife, took a deep breath and then sliced open my wrist.
Amazingly, there was no pain, and for good measure, I cut open a vein in my other wrist. Holding my arms on my lap, I closed my eyes and waited to bleed out.
How long is this going to take? Will my life flash before my eyes? And is there actually a place called hell?
As I pondered the mystery of death, I began to feel lightheaded, and I thought I heard Phoenix’s voice. I was aware that I was hallucinating because his lifeless body was lying right next to me, still and quiet.
“I didn’t cross over yet, Pops?”
“Why not?” I asked, playing along with the auditory illusion.
“I’m waiting for you to finish dying.”
“Is that right?” I said, chuckling a little.
“Let’s go for a walk.”
“All right.” I got up with ease, and there was Phoenix, standing right next to me with his throat miraculously closed up. I looked down at my wrists and the skin was smooth and unblemished.
“This hallucination is better than shooting up heroin, son,” I said as we walked along.
“You’re not hallucinating. Look!” He turned around and pointed. I looked in the direction where he was pointing and saw our two bodies. Mine was slumped against the tree and his was lying on a patch of dirt and weeds.
“We completed our journey on Earth, and now, we can go home,” he said.
The sun began to float downward from the sky, and Phoenix took off, running toward its golden glow.
I ran, also, easily catching up with him.
And side-by-side, we stepped into the brilliant light—together.