I’m not having fun in the lead-up to the one-year soberversary. I’m stressed to buggery with the thesis writing, the whole household gets tummy bugs and head colds, our youngest starts toilet training, Corin is hardly around because his work is so busy, and the weather is shit. I keep having drinking dreams: dreams where I accidentally imbibe alcohol, or where I’m shunned from gatherings for not-drinking. I’m definitely doing it hard. I smoke cigarettes in the garage and drink Red Bull in the afternoons. I’m stressed.
I think the looming soberversary is also affecting my mood. I feel very aware of my ‘point of difference’ yet again. All the old woe-is-me feelings I was having in the early weeks are coming back at me. I feel like the only sad dry person in the world, doomed to a life of misery and missing out. My sobriety feels all very tenuous and delicate again. I can’t believe I’m never going to drink again. It’s like I’m having a last resurgence of grief for the life I’ve left behind. My bloody inner addict is yelling at me in a final gasp to win me back: ‘Drink wine and everything will be okay!!!’
‘Shut the fuck up,’ I bite back. ‘You’re full of shit. I’m bigger and better and stronger than you and I don’t believe you. Now piss off for once and for all. I am not drinking wine ever again!’
I whine and moan some more on my blog and more than one person comments to me that soberversaries are tough. They suggest I’m mourning something lost, despite knowing it was bad for me. As always it’s so lovely to get support and encouragement from my faceless online community. They help keep me strong. I can’t bloody drink now; imagine if I had to tell all my blog readers that I’m back on the sauce! That would be horrendous; it’s definitely not going to happen.
Thankfully, I calm down in the final lead-up to the big day. On the eve of my soberversary I’m feeling quiet and content again, and the stupid drinking-voice inside my mind has been silenced once more. Corin is pottering around packing his bags (he’s leaving early in the morning for a week-long work trip following the prime minister to Russia and Japan), the boys are racing around raising merry hell as per usual, and I’m in the kitchen flipping meat patties. I’m thinking back over all the change that has occurred for me in the past year. I can’t believe one year ago I was still boozing and about to make the biggest decision of my life: to remove alcohol completely and wrap myself in a warm cloak of sobriety. This time last year I was probably down on my hands and knees reaching into the back of the cupboard to hide a wine bottle from Corin. I shudder at the memory as I lay the burger buns out and start adding cheese and lettuce to each one. I think about my brain as I do these simple actions, how it is clear and sharp, there is no blur or fuzz or mind-bending going on at all. I’m right here, right now, fully present in the moment. Fuck, it feels great.
I add the meat patties and a squirt of tomato sauce to each burger then call everyone to the table, thinking this time last year I was stuck in my miserable, lonely, drinking hell. This time last year I was a sad, hopeless boozer. Today I’m not.
Roll on tomorrow.
Mrs D Is Going Without (Day 365)
Had a lovely soberversary.
Rode for an hour on the bike at the gym watching Channel E with headphones on.
Went to posh deli for lots of foodie treats with the Little Guy in tow (he chose marshmallows and one big green apple).
Had a long hot shower back home and took my time choosing clothes, laying outfits on the bed (I never do that).
Went online and bought some secondhand cassettes to listen to in the car, which has no CD player (The Beatles, Paul Simon and The Cranberries—best I could find).
Had lovely long phone call with my baby sister.
Did puzzles with the Little Guy on the floor.
Went to scooter park with all the kids after school. Bought nice takeaway coffee.
Ordered Indian takeaway for dinner; me and the boys all ate too much but was it yummy.
Kids watched cartoons before bed—big treat.
I finished up on the sofa watching the final of my current favourite reality TV programme with a mug of green tea and a piece of coconut ice.
Thought about how my life is like a pencil drawing. Now all sharp edges and clear. Before with wine it was like something had been smudged all over the top of it.
It was an interesting day, emotionally. Actually, I just felt calm and quite at peace.
Yes, there are hard times, those sharp edges cut sometimes, but I like it like this. It’s challenging and interesting and . . . well, frankly, I just don’t want to go back to being that boozy mum who was so reliant on wine.
Mr D left a present in my top drawer when he went away—texting me from the taxi en route to the airport, telling me to go look at it. A lovely brooch, silver with wings. He wrote me a card which says, ‘On your one year anniversary. I’m very proud of you, you are an inspiration to us all. You got your wings now.’
Yep.
I really appreciate this gesture from Corin (and the brooch is really stylish and cool!). I love that he’s proud of what I’ve done giving up drinking; it’s a huge validation for me that I’ve done the right thing. I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve such a great guy and I shudder to think what my life would be like without him. And it appears my blog readers are falling for him too!
Comment from ‘LovelyLady’
Oh my . . . I was okay until the part about the gift. Now I’m all misty.
You’ve got a keeper there! And one more time CONGRATULATIONS!
Comment from ‘NeverDrinkingAgain’
Well done, Mrs D. I’m glad to know you :-)
Comment from ‘AnnaBeth’
How great to be sober a year! How great to have the support from your hubby! How great to see clearly now! I live seeing things clearly now. It’s a wonderful experience and gift. I’m so happy that I got to discover this part of my life . . . a sober part. You are an inspiration Mrs D. Thank you for your feedback during my journey!
Comment from ‘Milly’
But Dear, you already have a set of wings. I’m so proud of you.
Thank you for this year, you’ve been one of my best blessings.
Comment from ‘SoOverDrinking’
How he loves you! That note made me cry! He’s so proud of you and look how well you’re doing :-) You must be proud of you, too! I like the image of you wearing a pin with wings, as a reminder of the wings you have grown for yourself, drawn in for yourself. Hooray and congratulations to you.
A year. Man, that’s a long time!
Comment from ‘Sunny’
Love the note and present from Mr D. Made me cry too! Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us. May you long continue.
Comment from ‘BugsyMalone’
Happy Soberversary, what a lovely day you had. Lots of love to you Mrs D, love the pencil drawing vision x
Comment from ‘Miriam’
Your husband is a wonderful man.
And it won’t always be so edgy.
Comment from ‘FacingUpToTheFacts’
Well done Mrs D. And Mr D too!
Comment from ‘MarkyMark’
You know that post I wrote a while back about crying at random times, well, reading about your husband’s gift caught me off guard and now I gotta go get some tissues. :-) He did good. And you did good, too.
Comment from ‘Anonymous’
Well done, Mrs D! You are an inspiration. You make me laugh, cry and, most of all, proud to be in such cool sober company! Keep on doing what you’re doing!!
Comment from ‘Anonymous’
Congratulations, Mrs D . . . you are an inspiration in so many ways!
Comment from ‘Clara’
So pleased the day worked out well for you after your anxiety leading up to it. Well done. I know it’s a cliché to say ‘I can never thank you enough’ but it’s true in my case. Finding your blog really set me on my way.
Comment from ‘AdiosAlcohol’
What a wonderful way to celebrate one year and what a sweet, thoughtful husband you have. Those sharp times can be really hard—no doubt at all—and I appreciate your honesty here. I also love that you appreciate all the good stuff, big and small . . . very inspiring.
Comment from ‘Kathy’
Good gravy, what a wonderful day!
That was jam-packed with fabulousity!!
I, too, just celebrated one year away from the horrors of alcohol and the ruinous scenes witnessed by my children.
My anniversary was like a wonderful Academy Awards show, where I won. My son was there and I think it gave him a little closure on the pain.
Congratulations on this wonderful achievement!
Comment from ‘Giordana’
Congratulations!!! Sounds like a wonderful celebration and I think Mr D was so sweet to give you something so special! You are wonderful!
Comment from ‘TooMuchDrink’
Belated congratulations on receiving your wings. One (plus!) year is an achievement to be proud of.
Yes. Yes it is.