Chapter Ten
William arrived at April’s to find her still dressed in her bedclothes. Or perhaps she had changed from her work clothes and re-dressed in her nightwear. Either way he sliced it, William enjoyed the display of sweetness, completely and raw sexy that beheld him when he entered April’s apartment. “Hello” had barely gotten out of her lips before he had gotten her out of her gown and into bed.
On the drive to April’s apartment, all William could think about was the fear and pain he saw in Aujanae’s eyes this morning. He now realized he had not thought about his wife once until that moment in the hour and fifteen minutes he had been at April’s. This woman who lay in his arms in the middle of the day captivated his thoughts, mind, and body whenever he was with her. If he was honest with himself, he had to admit she mesmerized him even when they were not in each other’s presence.
While April slumbered lightly in his arms, William tried to again reason with himself on what was best for everyone involved in this mess he created when he started having this affair with April.
He knew the obvious. Aujanae was his wife, the woman he pledged to love, honor, cherish, and be faithful to for the rest of his life. She was the mother of his child, a child he loved more than life. He knew that it was his duty, his obligation, and in some small way, even his desire to cut himself loose from April and return to his married life—his life without the drama, stress, lying, sneaking and manipulating. Yes, the obviously right thing to do would be to end things now with April. He believed in his heart that he should tell Aujanae all about the affair, beg for her forgiveness, and rededicate himself to her and to God. As painful as it would be for April and even for him, he knew what he had to do—what he would do.
April stirred in his arms the moment he had come to his conclusion. She opened one eye, looked at him, smiled, and snuggled closer to his body. And in that small span of time, those two and a half seconds, his resolve nearly crumbled.
“So are we going to spend the remainder of our time together in bed, or would you like to do something outside the four walls of this room?” April purred as she stretched her legs beneath the bed sheets and intertwined them with William’s.
William’s libido stirred, and the thought of remaining in bed did not sound like a half bad idea.
“The idea of laying here with you for the rest of our time together sounds great, sexy lady, but I think we should at least map out a strategy for feeding ourselves.”
“Aw, is my man hungry? Do I need to feed my baby? Did you work up an appetite, honey?” April grinned as she looked at William. Her excitement at having William with her was palpable. It permeated every square inch of her bedroom and her soul. This was actually the first time in their fourteen-month relationship that they had played hooky from work and spent this time of the day together. The earliest they had ever been together before was lunchtime on a Saturday. Their little tryst were usually reserved for the evening hours. April knew she could definitely get used to this.
“I am getting a little hungry. Besides, we were supposed to be talking about you and me, remember? So let’s get up and go into a room where we can think more clearly,” William said seriously as he began moving away from April in the bed.
April heard the grave set of his tone. She felt the instant loss of heat as he extracted himself from her. The giddiness she felt a few moments ago was now replaced with trepidation. She did not want to make a scene though, at least not yet. William was right. They definitely needed to talk. She needed to know if there was any chance of him leaving his wife to come and be with her forever. The fact that he came to her yesterday on command and that he suggested coming back this morning were both signs in her favor, so she would not let the starkness in his voice get the best of her, at least not until she heard what he had to say once and for all about the future of their relationship.
“You’re right, William. We must talk. Why don’t you go on and take a shower while I whip up something for you to eat? I’ll shower while you are eating.” April kept her voice even, not sugary, but not salty either. She did not want to play her hand one way or the other just yet.
“You’re not going to eat?” William asked, concerned as he made his way to the master bath.
“Maybe. Right now I’m not that hungry,” April said as she left the bedroom.
April decided against making a big breakfast. In actuality, it was closer to lunchtime than breakfast. She decided to whip up some scrambled eggs, slice a mango, and reheat the leftover lasagna from yesterday. This would be brunch versus breakfast or lunch.
While she worked in peace, she thought in turmoil. Her heart was about as mangled as the eggs she was beating. She loved William so much. She did not mean to fall in love with him, but she did, and for her there was no turning back now. She refused to continue to share him with his wife. She knew that was smug and despicable on her part, but it was also the truth. April hated the thought of him doing what he had every right to do with her, with Aujanae. She could no longer stomach him kissing, making love to, or even sharing a meal with any woman other than her.
Today absolutely had to be the day. Today he either had to tell her he was leaving his wife to be with her, or he had to tell her he was leaving her life for good.
“Hello, Katrina.”
“Hello, David,” Katrina replied as she answered her cell phone. Hearing his voice caused Katrina’s smile to stretch from one wall to the other in her office area.
David was pretty thrilled as well. “How has your day been so far?”
That question reminded her of the situation she was involved in earlier with Aujanae and her pain. She was then reminded of the critical remark Aujanae made about her seeing someone else’s boyfriend. Her joy then plummeted a few levels. She did not want to upset David, so she debated as to whether she should mention Toriyana and if she should try to find out where he and she were in their relationship.
“I hope you had a great time yesterday. I had an amazing time,” David said.
Katrina could hear the sincerity in his voice. His enthusiasm seemed to match hers—or at least what it was before she allowed her brain to see past her overzealous heart. She was so caught up in her musings, the silence stretched between them after David’s last statement.
“Katrina, are you still there?”
“I’m sorry, David. Yes. Uh . . . I’m at work, so I was splitting my concentration between two things.” Katrina was happy she could at least be partially honest.
“Is everything okay, Katrina? Your mood seemed to have switched suddenly,” David asked pensively. “Maybe it’s a bad time. Why don’t you call me when you get off work?”
Though Katrina was a little perturbed about his relationship status, she was not ready to end the call. She so enjoyed hearing his voice. She enjoyed the connection even though it was just through the phone lines right now.
“Uh . . . no. I’m fine. I deserve a quick break.”
“You sure?”
“Yes,” Katrina said as she attempted to put a little perk in her voice. “So how has your day been?”
“Uh-uh. I asked you first.”
Katrina laughed. “Yes, you did. You probably don’t want to hear my answer though.”
“Why? What happened?” David asked, his voice laced with concern.
Katrina thought about the events that covered her lunch break. She realized she could not share too much with David because one, she did not want to blab Aujanae’s business. Secondly, David was William’s cousin, so telling him anything would cause a conflict of interest. So she answered carefully.
“Well, I’m not really at liberty to talk about it. It’s kind of confidential, but I had to help a member, a friend, with a very painful, very personal issue today during my lunch break. She was dealing with an awful situation.”
“I see. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m even sorrier for your friend. I pray she gets through whatever it is.”
Wow. David is an extraordinary man, Katrina thought. She simply swooned as she held her small phone. “Thank you, David. That’s sweet of you.”
“Speaking of sweet, I was calling to find out when we can go out again. Like I said, I enjoyed myself a great deal yesterday. I look forward to hanging out with you again.”
Katrina could not believe the mixed emotions she was experiencing at that moment. She loved how David made her feel: excited, happy, warm inside. She hated how knowing about Toriyana made her feel: deceitful, duplicitous, unjustified, and guilty. Maleeka invaded her thoughts, saying words like “justified,” “fair,” and “no ring on his fingers.”
“Katrina, either you are very busy or very uninterested in what I am saying to you. I’m going to let you go now so you can get back to work. Hopefully I will hear from you soon,” David said disappointedly.
“No, David, wait. Please don’t hang up. It’s not that I’m all that busy with work. I am honestly just a bit distracted by my friend’s issues and some things she said this afternoon. I would love to hang out with you again very soon. Just say when.” Katrina knew she sounded a bit desperate, but she was more concerned with David hanging up the phone thinking she was not interested.
“Wow. It must be pretty serious. Look, I was thinking about us going out again on Friday, but in light of your very tough lunch, how about I take you to dinner tonight? Maybe I can help you take your mind off your friend’s sadness for just a little while. What do you say?”
Without any further hesitation or delay, Katrina said, “Yes.”
David chuckled at her quick response. “Okay. What time do you get off and do you want to meet someplace or do you want me to pick you up?”
Katrina’s first thought was to have him pick her up straight from work, but she re-thought that. She did not want anyone who may be at the church to see the two of them together on a Monday evening. Someone else maybe thinking the same way Aujanae was earlier. Just about everyone at the church knew David had a girlfriend back in Detroit.
“Why don’t you pick me up at my apartment? I live on McDowell and Seventy-fifth Avenue.” She gave him the address and apartment number.
“That will work. I’ll be there about six thirty. Is that all right?”
“That’s perfect. Thanks, David.”
“No. Thank you for agreeing to hang out with me again. Think about what you want to eat, and we’ll decide when I see you tonight. Bye, Katrina.” He then hung up.
“This looks wonderful, April. Thanks.” William came in and sat at the kitchen counter where April had placed his food.
April kissed William’s cheek. “You are quite welcome. I’m going to take a shower and we can talk when I’m done. Enjoy your food while I’m gone.”
“Have you already eaten?” William asked as he began digging into his food.
“No. Like I said, I’m not really hungry right now. Maybe later. Maybe while we are conversing.” April left the room and went to take her shower.
She returned approximately fifteen minutes later. William knew that had to be the fastest shower and dressing expedition on record for this woman. He was quite familiar with April’s normal routing of getting ready for just about everything. And no matter what the occasion she was getting ready for, it was never less than a forty-five minute routine.
“That was quick, but as usual you smell great,” William said in surprise.
“Thank you. I just want to get on with this, William. We both agree that we need to talk, and we both know what we need to talk about. I guess I’m kind of anxious to find out what you have to say.”
April sat in the second seat at the counter next to William. After sitting for about three minutes, just long enough for William to finish his food, April decided they needed to move to the living room sofa. The bar chairs that decorated this area were built for beauty, not for comfort. April headed to the living room first. William put his plate in the dishwasher then joined her.
They both sat on the sofa, close together, hand in hand. They sat quietly, both afraid. William was afraid of what he needed to say. April was afraid of what he was going to say. They remained quiet for several moments, just holding hands and silently thinking of what the future held for them both. Finally, April got restless waiting for William to speak.
“William, let me lay this on the line. I will not continue to be your mistress. I can’t. I love you too much to continue to watch you leave me, knowing you are going home to be with your wife. Sharing you has become impossible for me, and I won’t do it anymore.”
There. She had said it. Period. Point blank. April stared at William, who had now hung his head. April took that as a not-so-positive sign. She wanted to tear her heart from her chest in an effort to ease the mounting pain.
William began rubbing the hands he held, taking deep breaths, preparing himself to respond to April’s declaration. April removed her hands from his, using one to lift William’s bowed head and then placing them both on her lap.
William looked into her face. She had on no makeup. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail at the back of her head. She was fresh-faced and void of any of the trappings that supposedly made her glamorous, and right then she was more gorgeous than when she went through all the rituals to beautify herself.
“April, I care for you so deeply. I think it’s even fair to say I love you.”
April smiled for the first time since she left the bedroom to make breakfast. William had never before said he loved her. The pain in her chest lessened just a bit at hearing those three words.
William saw the smile and his heart flipped in his chest. He knew that she loved him, but it did something to him to be able to see how much those words from him meant to her. A knot formed in his throat, causing him to nearly choke on what he was about to say.
“I hear what you’re saying, April, about not wanting to be second or to share me with my wife. But the truth of the matter is you are second—”
Before he could finish, April visibly recoiled. She moved to the far end of the sofa and pulled her legs beneath her, balling herself up in that corner. But she did not say anything. William continued.
“What I mean by that is Aujanae was in my life first. April, she was my wife before I ever laid eyes on you. She is the mother of my child. She is the woman I committed my life to forever. I’m not ready to leave her. I can’t leave her.”
April slowly closed her eyes as the anguish she had no power to stop gradually washed over her, invaded her soul, and caused her temples to pound. The headache that came fast and hard caused her ears to ring. She moved her hands quickly to cover her ears in an attempt to stop the ringing—or perhaps it was to stop herself from hearing what William just said play over and over again. She held her hands so tightly to her ears it took her a moment to realize that William was still speaking.
“I understand your all-or-nothing stance. You definitely deserve better. I wish I could be the man to give you better, but I’m not. All I can do is apologize for the pain I have caused, because I can’t be that man.” William attempted to reach for April, but she shooed his hand away. He did not press the issue.
April had known it was possible that William would choose his wife over her. She knew it would hurt if it came to this. She just was not prepared for the level of pain that she was experiencing. She was so hurt by William’s refusal to give up his wife that she almost considered rescinding her ultimatum. If having only part of William in an effort to keep him in her life would eliminate some of the grief she was feeling, perhaps that made more sense than losing him altogether.
“William . . .” Just saying his name made her hurt more, and she started to cry. “William, I’ve played this game a hundred times before . . . and as far . . . as I was concerned, I had . . . always won. Never before had I put my heart . . . my heart on the table. I played dirty . . . and I played until . . . my opponent ran out of chips. Never before had I gambled anything . . . of my own. But with you . . . I gambled everything. Everything!” April paused to catch her breath, but she stayed put. She made no attempts to wipe the moisture that poured from her eyes or nose.
“I gambled it all, William, and I lost it all: my heart, my soul. Heck, I’m sitting here wondering if I am even losing my mind. I have come up completely empty.”
When April stopped talking, William considered trying to touch her to console her once again, but stopped himself. Something in her slumped posture told him her body was now off limits to him in any way, shape, or form. He just watched as she hung her head, hugged herself, and cried. He sat still, feeling completely helpless and responsible for her turmoil. When she began to speak again, he pulled himself from his self-pitying revelry to pay attention.
“I messed up, William. I made a mistake. But what are mistakes other than weights that we lift in an effort to make us stronger? I heard that in a movie I watched as I sat here alone this past Saturday.”
April got up from the couch and stood directly in front of William. It was now her turn to reach for his hands. Unlike her, he did not resist. She pulled him to his feet and wrapped her arms around him strongly, fiercely. He returned her embrace with the same fervor as she sobbed on his shirt front.
April began speaking again as she looked up from the front of his shirt directly into his eyes. “William, you apologized a moment ago. I think I owe you an apology also. I pressured you to put more of yourself into this than you wanted to. I selfishly played with your chips as well so that I could hit the jackpot. I played on your weakness to resist. But I guess this game is over now, right?”
William was not sure if the question was rhetorical or if she wanted him to give her a finite answer. He stayed silent until she prodded him again for an answer.
“It is over, isn’t it, William?” April asked as she licked her lips, making one last desperate attempt to get him to say the words that would eradicate all of her pain.
William hesitated and questioned his own pause. Did he pause because he was not eager to hurt her again, or did he stall because he was unsure of his answer?
“It has to be, April. I can’t give you what you really want, and I won’t keep hurting you like this.” Regardless of whether he knew exactly how he felt, he did know right from wrong for sure, so he gave the right answer.
April stepped completely out of the embrace, but continued to look in his eyes. There she saw uncertainty, skepticism even. She then checked herself, wondering if she was just seeing what her heart wanted to be there.
No, William was right. It was time for this to end. William would probably always remain in her heart, but he would no longer control her existence. It was time for her to let go of William and perhaps to let go of her way of dealing with men in general. This incident had her so afraid, too scared to ever risk this kind of pain again.
She knew this would require some major changes in how she lived and viewed her life. In fact, she would begin by continuing to attend church on a regular basis. April was not sure if she would remain at William’s church and give him the pleasure of still being able to look at her at least once a week, but she knew church would be a part of the new life she would start.
April straightened her spine and added some bravado to her voice. The boldness was something that she would fake more than she would actually feel.
“Then it’s time for you to go. I hope you find nothing but happiness in your marriage from this day forward. Now, please leave. Let yourself out.” She turned and left him standing in the middle of her living room floor as she headed to her bedroom.
William stood there for several seconds, wondering if it was even possible for him to now just go home and have a happy marriage after what he had experienced with April. Could he possibly forget about April? Forget the joy they shared, their passion, their commonality? He even wondered, as he finally decided to walk out the door, in his heart of hearts, if he even wanted to.