Chapter Fourteen
William sat at his desk staring out of his office window, totally unable to concentrate on anything. This was day seven of his separation from both Aujanae and April. He was miserable, lonely, and confused. His confusion came because he realized he missed each woman equally. The only advantages Aujanae had over April were that she was his legal wife and the mother of his son, whom he also missed.
While he cared deeply for April, he knew the right thing for him to do would be to work to make things right between him and his wife to reconcile himself to his family. He had called Aujanae several times since he was kicked out of his home to make his new temporary dwelling at the Residence Inn. For the first four days, she would not answer either her cell or the house phone, but on day five she finally picked up the phone at the house.
“What do you want, William?” she answered and asked indignantly.
“You know what I want. I want my family back, Aujanae,” William said solidly.
He did not whine or even beg. He understood his mistake, but he had to be strong in order to make his wife understand that he was sorry and wanted another chance to make things right between them.
“William, you had your family, completely intact and devoted to you, but it wasn’t enough for you. You had to go out and get someone, something you thought was better than what you had at home. You had to go and get some hoochie tramp to satisfy something that you never bothered to communicate to me, your wife, was missing. So what has changed so much in the last five days? Why now are we suddenly all that you ever wanted?” Aujanae yelled.
William knew his first conversation with Aujanae would be difficult, but he was not prepared for the hardcore attitude of this new woman on the other end of the telephone. He did not even have an answer for her very basic question of why. Surprised and even a little stung by Aujanae’s tone and demeanor, William responded defensively.
“Look, Aujanae, I know you still love me, and I would not be calling you, practically begging you to allow me to come home, if I did not love you. I could hang up this phone, call April right now and tell her that you and I have split up, and be back with her in fifteen minutes. But I’m not doing that, am I? No! In fact, I have not made one phone call to April; however, I have been calling you all week only to be ignored. I am on this phone with you, trying to get you to listen to reason and put our marriage back together.”
“Guess what, William? I don’t need you to do me any favors. I will be just fine without you. I don’t want to be tied to anyone who doesn’t think I am enough for him, so you can just stop beating yourself up about not calling April and give her a call. Then you can find yourself an additional whore, since one woman no longer seems to satisfy you.”
William realized Aujanae may have meant every word of what she was saying. He knew it was still early in their separation, but she truly sounded like a woman who had grown stronger in the mere five days they had been apart. His defensive posture quickly changed to one of respect and perhaps even fear about how she may try to stick it to him in a separation or divorce proceeding. He rapidly quieted his stance as he continued to speak.
“Aujanae, what about our son? Where does he fit into all of this?”
Aujanae recognized the swift change in her husband. That attitude adjustment and the mention of their child also caused her to let go of some of her own hostility.
“William, Billy Jr. will always be your son. I would never do anything to intentionally ruin that relationship between the two of you,” she said softly.
But then, with a little more flavor, she added, “I hope Ms. April has good maternal instincts. I would not want my child around a woman who does not want him around and only tolerates him because of you. So you be sure to be careful where my son is concerned, William Rucker.”
Now William was completely afraid. From all the horror stories he had heard from his friends and coworkers, the one piece of bait a woman will hold onto as leverage is the children.
“When a woman plays games with you with regards to the kids, it’s usually because she wants you back, but she wants to make you suffer for the way you have hurt her. She knows that getting another man might bother you, but only if you still want her. But if you are a good father, she knows she is guaranteed to hit you below the belt if she plays silly games with the kids.” This was a paraphrased version of some of the things he had heard from his male associates and colleagues with regards to various levels of breakups with women.
Here, pretty much out of the starting gate, Aujanae had conceded that she would not attempt to keep B.J. away from him. She did not even bother to threaten him not to take B.J. around the other woman. She really did not care if he did. Her only concern was for her child. This had to mean she was truly done with him. William knew it was silly for him to rely on generalized information for his specific state of affairs, but he was a man in a desperate situation, not clearly thinking with his rational mind intact.
William sat silently holding the cell phone, totally confused. He almost wished Aujanae had continued to ignore him. That way he would still be clueless as to how she really felt. After speaking with her, he began to wish he could still hold on to the “no news is good news” theory. She seemed to have totally given up calling him Billy, the name no one aside from her ever called him.
“William, are you still there?” he remembered her asking.
“Uh, yeah. I’m here. Okay, Aujanae, thanks for not playing games with my son. Um, I’ll call you a little later to arrange some kind of schedule for him.” He then disconnected the call and tried to collect his thoughts and make some sort of sense out of the mess he had made.
That was two days ago. He was still no closer to making heads or tails of anything. All he knew for certain was that he had made a huge mistake in taking for granted Aujanae’s goodness and hurting her the way that he had. He also knew that the conviction of the Holy Spirit was heavy upon his heart for his mistake. He prayed every night for forgiveness, knowing that God heard him each time, but each morning the guilt would return, weighing on him like a medicine ball.
William intentionally skipped church that Sunday. He just did not have the heart or the energy to go. He was pretty certain April would not be there, since her only reason for attending had been to be near him. He was not so sure if Aujanae went. If he had to say, he would assume that she did not, simply to avoid running into him.
The finality of the conversation William had had with Aujanae the other day gave him an excuse to think more and more about calling April. If he were entirely honest with himself, he would admit that she had never been far from his thoughts. Before his talk with his wife, he just worked harder at focusing on pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind. For the past couple of days, contacting April had been a constant, bombarding consideration.
William picked up the phone to call Aujanae to arrange to pick up B.J. after work tomorrow. He dialed the number, and after several rings, the voice mail picked up. When the beep sounded, he left a message.
“Hi, sweetie. I miss you, but that’s not the real reason for my call. I actually wanted to arrange to pick up B.J. tomorrow after work. I should be at the house about five thirty. I’ll bring him back about eight thirty. If this is a problem, please call me on my cell phone and let me know. Otherwise I will see you tomorrow. I love you, Aujanae.”
William ended the call and began dialing again. This time the call’s recipient answered.
“Well, well, well. I am really surprised to hear from you. The funny thing is I was just thinking about contacting you,” April said seductively.
William initially could not pull himself together enough to speak. He had not heard April’s voice in seven days. Because he had refrained from contacting her altogether, he had not even heard her speak on her voice mail. The impact her intonation had on his heart and his libido was startling. After several seconds of basking in the euphoria of it all, he finally found the ability to speak.
When William hung up from leaving the message on the voice mail for Aujanae, there was an overwhelming urge in his soul to contact April. Why continue to keep depriving myself of all pleasure simply because I cannot get anything but hurt and pain from my wife? he thought.
“Hello, April. Wow. I really missed you, lady.” William spoke as if he was literally intoxicated.
“I can tell,” she replied with more control than she actually felt.
April still loved William, but after being hurt by him so deeply, she decided she would play her hand close to the vest. Unless he was calling to say he finally decided to leave Aujanae and be with her forever, she would keep him at least an arm’s length from her true feelings from now on. Besides, she had no idea how he would react once she told him her news.
“How have you been?”
“I have been okay. How about you, William? How have you been?” April replied, still in control.
“April, I have never been anything but honest with you, so I honestly have to tell you that I have had it rough for the past seven days. I have been missing you, and . . .” William hesitated, not sure if he should tell April about him and Aujanae separating. He then decided to just go for it. “Somehow, April, Aujanae figured out that you and I were having an affair. She asked me to leave.”
“What! How? Wha—William, when did this happen?” April was stunned and totally unprepared for what William said to her.
“Ironically, it happened the same day you and I fell out. When I got home, Aujanae was not there. When she finally did come in, she told me she knew that I had spent Sunday and Monday morning with you.”
April had a string of mixed emotions running through her soul, and surprising to her, guilt was the one taking center stage. It had never truly been her intention to hurt William’s wife. She knew the woman must have been devastated to discover the truth, however that happened. April actually felt sorry for what Aujanae must have endured, must still be enduring.
She also felt fear that Aujanae may somehow retaliate, especially in light of the news April had yet to share. She quickly pictured William’s wife standing in the pulpit at church on a Sunday morning, telling everyone about her and William’s affair and how the two of them managed to infect her with an STD that could prove to be deadly.
She also felt a little excitement at the possibility that now she and William could possibly be together forever. That was probably the reason for his phone call, she thought with a half-smile—a smile that disappeared quickly when the reality of today’s doctor’s visit came back to her remembrance. April continued grilling William in hopes of pushing that thought down, at least for the moment.
“William, what happened? How did she find out?”
“Long story short, my alibis blew up in my face. She found out I was not with my cousin last Sunday because he was out with Aujanae’s girlfriend. She then went to call me at work on Monday to speak to me concerning what she learned regarding Sunday, and she discovered I was not at work. She figured out it was you by woman’s intuition and your Sunday seating arrangements. She asked me questions to fill in the blanks. She now knows everything.”
“Oh, wow. That is terrible, William. Had you planned on telling her, or were you just going to walk away from me and resume life as normal with her?” April’s question was sincere.
“My plan was to handle things without having to say a word. I guess my plans meant nothing because God had other plans.” William’s response was regretful.
The sorrow in the pit of April’s stomach came crawling back with a vengeance. William was not the first married man she had been involved with. He was also not the first one who had been caught by his wife. This was the first time, however, that she ever experienced any disappointment over the wife’s hurt feelings. She attributed it to this being the first time she had ever had any real feelings for the woman’s husband. Or maybe it was because God had truly started to deal with her since she had been going to church on a regular basis.
“So what are your plans now, William?” April asked evenly. There was no hope or disappointment in her tone. She was simply curious.
“Do you mean immediately, like right now? Or are you talking about my plans for the future of my life? My answer to the latter question is I have no real idea, but for an answer to the first question, I would like to see you. Right now.”
Under normal circumstances, April would have been thrilled to see him and thrilled that he wanted to see her, but right now she held so much guilt. She did not know if she would be comfortable being with him and dealing with all the guilt. There was guilt over what they did to Aujanae, guilt over what she still had to share with William about her STD, and guilt over how that would again cause Aujanae more hurt.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, William. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. I am dealing with a lot of my own stuff right now, part of it being the pain of our breakup. I don’t know if I can handle having a wound that is still so raw reopened again when you walk out and leave me tonight.” April was proud of herself for her resistance.
“What if I don’t leave you tonight, April? What if I stay all night? It’s not as if I have to rush home to my wife or anything. I can spend the entire evening holding you. I can get up in the morning, have breakfast with you, and we can leave for work together.”
In the fourteen months they had been together, the two of them had never spent the entire night together. April could not resist the thought of laying her head on William’s chest, with his strong arms protectively cradling her as they slept. She felt a twinge of jealousy as she realized he only wanted to stay with her all night because his wife had rejected him, but it only lasted a second. All of the guilt and shame seemed to melt away instantly as well.
“I will see you when you get off work,” April replied softly, longingly.
David had talked with Toriyana at least four times in the past seven days, but had yet to tell her about the time he spent with Katrina. Each time, after hanging up from their conversation, he vowed to himself that he would be honest with her the next time. Each time he began the next conversation, he was sure he would tell her before they were done talking. Each time, the phone calls ended without a confession.
As he activated the Bluetooth in his car on his drive home from work, he determined that he would tell Toriyana the truth this time.
David had had lunch with his cousin William that day. William told him all about his marriage being over because he cheated on his wife. He even expressed how the other woman had been devastated when he would not leave Aujanae to be with her. William told him how the guilt of what he had done to both women was eating at his soul.
David still did not consider his budding friendship and growing attraction to Katrina to be as bad as what William did, because he and Toriyana were not married, but he had to admit to himself that there was definitely some guilt on his part. If there were not, he would not be having such a hard time being honest with Toriyana about spending time with Katrina.
David and Katrina had seen each other twice in the last seven days, with plans to hook up again for a quick bite to eat before choir rehearsal this week. David thoroughly enjoyed Katrina’s company. Each time they were together, his attraction to her grew. Yet his growing attraction to Katrina did not in any way diminish the love stored in his heart for Toriyana.
“Call Tori,” David said to his voice-activated service in his car.
After three rings she answered. “Hey, David.”
“Hi, baby. I pray all is well with you.”
“Other than me missing you, all is well,” Toriyana said through her yawn.
David still had a hard time always remembering the time difference between Arizona and Detroit, for the most part. When he wanted to avoid talking to her, he usually had no problem using the time difference as an excuse. As he looked at the clock on his dash, he realized it had to be nearly 9:00 P.M. in Toriyana’s world.
“I’m sorry, baby. I forgot about the time difference again. You are probably on your way to bed.”
“It’s no problem, sweetie. I was actually catching up on some reading. I was just finishing up a great book I have been trying to complete titled, The List, by Dr. Sherri Lewis.”
“Dr. Lewis? Is it fiction or non-fiction?” David knew that Toriyana usually only read for pleasure.
“It’s fiction. Dr. Lewis is a licensed medical doctor. Now she writes great novels. This is one of her older ones, but I haven’t had a chance to finish it until now.”
“Oh. Cool. How was your day at work?” David asked.
Their conversation was on its very familiar path of simple small talk, keeping each other abreast of the minute details of each other’s lives. David kept it this way intentionally, hoping not to alarm Toriyana with the unsettled nature of his spirit about what he really needed to talk to her about.
“Work was interesting, as always.” Toriyana said with the same exuberance about her job that she always had.
Toriyana worked as a paralegal in the district attorney’s office. She was so great at her job that she was actually assigned to the D.A. himself. Her job always held so much excitement and gave her an opportunity to get an up close and personal look at some of the most interesting crimes and accused criminals in Detroit. Toriyana knew she could probably make a lot more money doing what she did for an attorney in a high-powered law firm, but the thrill of doing what she did kept her right where she was. The only thing that would make her walk away from her current position would be a proposal of marriage from the man she loved, which would mean an automatic move to Phoenix, Arizona, to be with her husband.
“And how was your day?” Toriyana asked as they continued their habitual banter.
Toriyana’s question brought to David’s mind the conversation he had with William at lunch, which immediately brought to mind what he knew he had to do. He would not share the personal business of his cousin with Toriyana, but he used it as motivation to propel him forward in his task.
“My day was interesting as well, love,” David said dejectedly as he blew out a strained breath.
“Interesting how? You sound as if it was about as interesting as a prostate exam.” Toriyana chuckled at her humor.
As strange as it felt thinking this way, David almost hated to hear the mirth in her voice. It made it that much harder to have to tell her something that he knew she would not find funny at all.
“Listen, Tori, there is something I need to tell you, something I know you are not going to be pleased to hear. Toriyana . . .”
Toriyana immediately tensed up. The only time she could remember David calling her by her full name was when he took her to dinner to tell her about his decision to move to Phoenix for work. The only thing he could possibly tell her at this point that would be so serious was that he was breaking up with her. She sat up straight in her bed where she had been leisurely reading and relaxing, and braced herself for the information.
“Tori, the last thing in this world I ever want to do is hurt you. I love you. I love you very much.” David’s heart actualized the depth of that truth as he said it, making it even harder to go through with his confession.
Toriyana surely appreciated hearing that right now, because she too loved David very much, but she knew there had to be some heart-shattering news that accompanied the endearment. She silently waited for it. Tears had actually begun to fall from her eyes as she anticipated hearing David end their relationship.
“It is because of my love for you that I have to be completely honest with you.” David released another choppy breath then continued. “Tori, I have . . . um . . . gone on . . . um . . . a couple of . . . of dates with a female here in Phoenix.” He rushed through the final part of his statement and ended it there.
Oh my gosh! It’s worse than I believed. Not only was he breaking up with her, he had already found her replacement, Toriyana thought.
David pulled his car into the driveway of his house and hit the button for the garage door to open. He then pulled the car in, but did not get out. He sat in the car with the car running and left the garage door open, because he did not know when he would actually have the strength to get out of the car. He did not want to inadvertently die of carbon monoxide poisoning.
After several seconds of silence, David eventually heard Toriyana crying. At that moment, the thought of carbon monoxide poisoning did not sound like such a bad idea after all. He had no clue what he was supposed to say to her right then.
“So let me make sure I understand this, David. You . . . you started seeing another woman and you called me, sounding all normal in the beginning, only to set me up and tell me you want to break up with me. Is that about right?” Toriyana forced her words out past her pain. She then blew her nose loudly into her phone receiver.
“No. No, Tori. I was not calling to break up with you. I don’t want to break up with you,” David said eagerly. “I . . . I just wanted to tell you the truth. I . . . I did not want to be dating someone else behind your back.”
Toriyana snatched the phone away from her ear so quickly it nearly flew from her hand and across her bedroom. She righted her fumble and instead stared at the phone like it had turned into some foreign object.
“What do you mean, David? How can you not want to break up? You are already seeing another woman, going on dates and shi—stuff.” Toriyana was normally not a curser, but that little obscenity nearly got away from her. “Why are you telling me this if you are not breaking up with me?” Toriyana’s sadness had not dissipated, but she spoke from the anger that had now joined it.
David struggled to find the right words to explain what he wanted to say to Toriyana. He decided to just start talking, and hopefully it would all just make some sort of sense when he was done.
“Tori, when we talked last week and you told me you were not going to be able to come for our planned visit, I was upset. I had been missing you so very much. I still do. After we hung up, I started to doubt whether or not our relationship could survive the distance between us.” David got stuck there for a moment and became quiet.
“So because you missed me so much, you decided to go out and find yourself a temporary replacement for me right there in Phoenix. Distance problem solved, right?” Toriyana asked mockingly.
David actually had to admit to himself that there was a little truth in Toriyana’s sarcastic statement, but he did not want to put it quite so crudely.
“No. I was not trying to replace you, baby, but I was lonely and frustrated, so I convinced myself that it was not such a bad idea to hang out with someone here.” David was not sure if what he said was any better after he said it.
“And how did you convince yourself of that?” Toriyana had raised her voice a bit. Anger seemed to be the prevailing emotion now.
David tried thinking of a clever way to tell her without bringing up the fact that they were not married. He knew that if Toriyana had her way, they would be married, or at the very least engaged. Nothing at all came to mind, however.
“Tori, I just thought . . . I thought . . . I mean, technically we are both two single people. So . . . so there is no harm in a single person dating more than one person.” David again rushed the final part of his statement. For him it was like snatching a Band-Aid off quickly to help lessen the pain.
For Toriyana, it did lessen the pain, but it fueled her fury. “What! Single? What do you mean we are both single? David, I thought we were in a committed, monogamous relationship. Last time I checked, which was earlier today, both of our Facebook pages said In a Relationship. When did you change our status to single?”
Even with the air conditioning in his car going at full blast, David had begun to sweat. He knew Toriyana would be upset, angry even, but he still believed in what he was saying, at least halfheartedly. David then thought of an ally to help foster his cause.
“Tori, Facebook is not the Bible. God does not recognize our relationship as monogamous. There are no instances in the Bible of exclusive relationships, other than those of married or engaged couples.” Oops. He had slipped and said what he was trying to avoid saying.
Toriyana could not believe what she was hearing on her cell phone. She was so stunned she was not even sure if it was David Mathis, the man she loved, that she was talking to.
“So let me get this all straight, Mr. Mathis. You are now seeing another woman because you decided to move to Phoenix and, for lack of a better phrase, disrupt our relationship so much so that you obviously don’t even consider it a relationship anymore. And because you are single, it gives you the prerogative to relieve your loneliness with some hoochie in the same area code, even though you know good and darn well that I wanted to get married and would have happily joined you in Phoenix as your wife, but only as your wife. Do I have it all correct, single man?”
Toriyana’s tears were a mixture of pain and rage, confusion and resentment, sorrow and regret. She regretted that she hated and loved him at the same time. She wanted to scream, but she was afraid that once she started she would not be able to stop.
David sat on the other end of the phone with his heart in his throat. He felt terrible for making Toriyana feel like this and helpless to do anything about it right now.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Tori. Your statement was completely true. The only thing you left out was the fact that I love you. I really love you. I know that probably makes no sense to you at this moment, but the way I feel about you has not changed.”
“Really? Really? Who is she, David? While you are being so honest, tell me the whole truth. Who is she?”
Toriyana’s question caught David completely by surprise. David had introduced Toriyana to Katrina on her last visit. He was sure she would remember her. Even with all the hurt and trauma he had caused, he still felt a little gratification in the fact that he had been completely honest with Toriyana thus far. He had no idea what he was supposed to do now.
“Tori, baby, that is really not important,” he said unstably.
“It is to me. I want to know the name of the woman who you have deemed my competition, since you seem to think that you can have both of us, single man.”
David hated his new nickname.
“Really, I don’t see the point—”
“Tell me, David. You owe me the whole truth,” Tori said doggedly.
David hated the way his own words came back to bite him in the butt.
“Her name is Katrina.” David tried to sound nonchalant.
Toriyana paused for a moment, thinking real hard, so hard David could hear the wheels turning in her head through the phone. He tried to divert.
“Toriyana, listen. This thing that I started out here is really nothing at all. We are really just friends. I mean, nothing has—”
“Katrina! That’s that woman who works at the church, isn’t it? I knew that name sounded familiar.” Toriyana snapped her fingers as her thoughts finally came together.
David hated that Toriyana had a memory like an elephant.
“Did you sleep with her, David?” Toriyana hated the whining tone in her voice.
David hated it too. “No. No. As I tried to explain, we are really just friends. We have never even kissed.”
Toriyana was surprised by the flood of relief that washed over her. That flood washed away a tremendous amount of anger, which allowed room for the love she felt for David to resurface. She was now confused. Part of her wanted to slam the phone down and never speak to David again. Another part wanted to fly out to Phoenix and snatch Katrina’s hair out of her head. And the final part of her wanted get to Phoenix and convince David that he did not need anyone but her—after she beat the crap out of Katrina.
Toriyana felt weak in her confusion. This did not sit too well with her. She wanted to stay angry with David. The anger was easier to deal with than the hurt.
“So at the end of the day, I guess this means it is okay for me to go out with other men since we are both single. Am I right?” She knew David would not be prepared to handle that thought, let alone the reality of it.
Toriyana was right. David was so furious that his vision became blurry. In all of his rationalizing and spiritualizing about dating other people, he never visualized that Toriyana would even consider doing the same. He tried his best to be reasonable and look at things from a sense of fairness, but his mind would not wrap around the concept. He opened his mouth several times to utter the word yes, but each time he slammed it shut so hard his teeth rattled.
“I take it from your silence that you don’t like the idea, David. Well, guess what? That’s just too darned bad. You see, I’m just as unmarried as you are, sir. And by the way, I am changing my Facebook status to single. I suggest you do the same, player.” With that, Toriyana hung up the phone, ending the conversation.