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I waited for him for a couple of minutes. He came only wearing jeans and pulled me by my arm while saying:
— What the hell are you doing here?
— I need to talk to you!
— When I tried to talk to you, I didn’t get the opportunity, and now you come in here and say that you wanna talk to me? You better leave right now.
The sound was very loud and disturbing, you had to talk loud if you wanted to be listened to.
— If you don’t wanna talk to me, fine, I know you’ve got this right, but don’t act like me. Listen to me, give me at least the chance to explain the reason why I’m here, for a few minutes — I said.
— Okay. You’ll have only a couple of minutes, because I have to go back upstairs and work.
— Okay.
We went to a room that was under the stairs, he closed the door and looked at me. I started talking as fast as possible.
— I know that I was a dick, the worst friend that someone could ever had, right when you needed me the most. But I didn’t do it to harm you
— Didn’t do it to harm me? You let everything happen, because you didn’t listen to me, didn’t understand me, didn’t help me with my family and still encouraged that jerk, Guilherme, to trick me into the worst way possible. That was a low blow, even for him.
— I know! I didn’t come here to tell you that I’m right, on the contrary, I’m here because I’ve witnessed something that made me think and see how wrong I was. I know that, as your friend, as your best friend, I should’ve understood you and acted differently, but you also have a portion of guilt in how everything happened.
— So now this is my fault? — he asked ironically.
— Partly, yes. You never came to me and opened up. On the contrary, you let me believe in the image of someone that you weren’t. Seeing that scene made me realize that I didn’t know one of the people I loved the most in this world.
— And do you think it is easy to come up to someone and open up, when all you hear from most of your friends are sentences of prejudice and mock against the boys that demonstrate to be gay? I saw and defended Lucas at school, because I’m just like him. It doesn’t matter: gay is gay, and that’s it, no matter if he’s ladylike or not.
“How many times haven’t I heard you making fun of Lucas with the other boys? Beside that, I knew very well what were your thoughts about people who said they were homosexuals. You had no problem with it, as long as they stayed away.”
— I know, definetly, it would be very hard to tell me or anyone.
— Very hard? You wouldn’t use that expression if you were in my skin. Do you think I haven’t tried telling you several times? That I didn’t want my best friend to hear me without judging me or looking at me the way you and those people did that day? Being gay doesn’t make me a freak, on the contrary, it makes me as human as you. For most of the people, it is much easier to judge than to understand. You don’t know how it is like to swim against the flow knowing that swimming along would be a lot easier. But, if I did that, I wouldn’t be me. I was already tired of being who I wasn’t, of lying and having to be someone else or talking about women to please each one of you, including my father. You know nothing about what I’ve gone through. How many times haven’t I heard from my father that all of the “faggots” should be exterminated and that, if he had a son like that, he wouldn’t know what to do? But he knew exactly what to do, he decided to look at me as if I were disgusting and hideous and throw me out of the house.
— I know!
— No, you’ll never know. You’ll never know what it’s like to be afraid of being yourself just because people prefer not to respect and understand you. You’ll never know the sensation of being thrown out of your house by the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally and above it all. You’ll never know what it’s like to fear a God who created you this way and dooms you for being like this, according to some people and religions. For a long time, that was what I thought, but I understood, by myself, that God loves His children because of their hearts, not because of what they like to do or who they love. Being gay or not, God created you just like that, and He loves you exactly like that.
“You’ll never know what it’s like to feel completely alone in the world and thinking of taking your own life for guessing that people prefer to see you dead than to accept and respect you the way you are.”
— I want you to listen to me! — I had to yell when I felt all his agony and anger crossing those words that came from his mouth.
— No! Now, you’re listening to me. I know that you wouldn’t do anything differently from what you’ve done, because, many times, I’ve heard mean comments about gays coming from you. How many times have you hurt me and I couldn’t do anything? And how many times have I needed you to talk to and you weren’t there? — Márcio started crying.
— Can I speak? — I asked, trying to sound calmer than what I really was.
— Yes — he muttered, with his eyes full of tears.
— I know, I’m embarrassed because of how I acted. Despite being your best friend, I couldn’t have your trust for you to feel free with me and share your suffering. I know that, and that’s what makes me very sad, ‘cause I’ve always thought that your trust in me was the most precious thing that I’d conquered. But this demonstrates that I was far from having your real trust.
“However, what I really want to say is that, despite everything, despite all of my mistakes and acting almost unforgivably, I’m here to ask for your forgiveness. I know it won’t be easy, but... when we choose to be someone’s friend, we choose to accept their qualities and defects. Yet, since we’re so selfish, we only want to see this someone’s good parts, because they are easier to accept.”
— Definetly — he affirmed while wiping his tears, but they wouldn’t stop coming down.
— That’s why I’m telling you: I’ve made a mistake and I admit it. But, if you really want to be understood, you need to understand me and accept me the way I am, with all of my defects, first. Teach me, then, to respect you and accept you the way you are. I’ve missed our conversations, the older brother you represent to me, and I’ve seen that you being gay doesn’t change any of that.
— Yes, I’m still the same person.
— Then I hope I haven’t lost you because of my ignorance. I’m here and I’ll be here all the times that I have to, because I refuse to give up on my best friend. I refuse to give up on you. We may not be the same friends that we were someday, but let me help you, let me, at least, be a better person.
He started crying out of control, I got closer and hugged him, without thinking of any kind of prejudice. I could realize that he was the same person, and that, apart from his sexual option, I could love him as a person, as a brother, because what defined him wasn’t who he related to, but his actions, and mostly, the ones that refered to me.
After ten minutes, he calmed down and wiped his tears. In that exact moment, we heard a countdown. My heart raced and all I could say was:
— My mom’s gonna kill me!
— Happy New Year! — Márcio said to me, smiling.
— Happy New Year, my friend!
We heard a lot of shouts of joy, and right after, the Drag Queen that was on the stage with Márcio opened the door and started talking
— What the...? Nancy boy, you’re dangerous! You’ve been here locked with this cutie the whole time and didn’t even come out to wish us Happy New Year? What does this hottie have? Don’t even tell me — she said, smiling.
— What a snug, Nazaré! — Márcio affirmed, smiling.
It was the first time I heard him speaking that way.
— This is Carlos, he’s my best friend, and just to make it clear, my best friend is straight! — he said.
— Pleasure and satisfaction, darling!
— You tell me.
— Let’s go outside. The club’s gonna warm up — she highlighted, all excited.
— I can’t, my mom must be furious at home because I left her alone.
— What an ugly act, you shouldn’t do such thing — Nazaré commented.
— And for what I know from her, she must be angry as hell — Márcio remembered.
— I need to go — I said, already leaving the room.
— Before you go, have a drink with me. Just to toast the new year — Márcio asked.
— Yeah, boy, the worst you’ve already done. One hour more or less won’t minimize your guilt.
— You guys are not helping. — I turned around to Márcio and said: — You’ve gotta go with me.
— Me? Are you crazy?
— I’m not. Where have you been sleeping?
— Nazaré owns this club, I had already come here twice. In the second one, she came to me and said that I’d be a good Gogo boy and that, if I were smart, I’d make a lot of money.
— Are you also a rent boy? — I asked, remembering the conversation with Robson.
— No! I don’t think I can do that. I don’t feel good dancing in that birdcage, imagine having sex with a stranger. When I left the building, I remembered Nazaré; this was the only option I had. So I explained to her what had happened and she let me sleep in here, in a room in the back, for a low price, but I can only sleep after the club closes. During the week is calmer, because there are only the dances rehearsals.
— But you need to sleep well. Are you still trying to enter any football team?
— Yes.
— Then you’ve gotta rest.
— But your mother will never accept it.
— I’ll figure her out.
— So, a toast — Nazaré said, coming back with three glasses. — To friendship!
— To friendship!
I started dancing and laughing with Nazaré, everything she said was always funny. I had drinks I didn’t know when Nazaré brought them. I danced and laughed with Márcio’s friends that he introduced to me. They were all cool, and flirted with me in the beginning, but when they discovered I am straight, they respected me.
I was there for a long time. And I didn’t even remember that my mom must’ve been super worried. It was when Márcio said:
— We need to go, it’s two in the morning.
— What? I think that you’re the one who’s gonna have to find a place for me, because I’m sure that my mom will throw me out of the house.
— Are you sure you want me to go?
— Yes!
— Okay. I’ll grab my things.
He came back with a backpack on his back, we left the club and took a cab home. I was very high.
Me and Márcio laughed a lot and remembered a lot of things during the way, which gave me the sensation that we were the same friends as always, and that’s what made me happy that day.
Posted by Carlos at 10:37 pm.