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As I get off the bus with the rest of the crowd, a familiar voice appears next to me. “So,” I hear. “I need your opinion on something.”
I turn my head to the source of the voice, and sure enough, it’s Jack. Jack Korus is my childhood friend, we practically grew up together. We’ve gone to the same schools, watched the same movies, played the same games, etc. We know each other better than anyone else. “Oh?” I ask. “Asking for my advice on something? Can’t say I expected that from you.”
Jack lets out a chuckle. Another thing about Jack; he knows a lot. That’s not me being a know-it-all, either. He really is one of the smartest people I know. Him asking me for advice about something, anything, is out of the ordinary. It’s usually the other way around.
“Seriously, though,” Jack gave me a straight poker face. “I need your opinion on this.”
“Okay?”
“How can I stay calm during a performance? I’ve got a presentation to give tomorrow and I’m honestly kind of frightened to go up there.”
“Jack, you’re asking the wrong person. You still see me get my anxiety attacks, right?”
He sighed. “Yeah, but I figured since you’ve got anxiety, you might’ve found some way to cope with fear.”
“I do,” I started. “it wouldn’t work for your case, though.”
“I’ll take what I can get.”
“Music.” I said, plainly. “Music calms me down.”
Before he could explain the obvious reason why music wouldn’t be able to help on stage, a voice sounded behind us, “You two are early. For once.” That monotonous voice is synonymous with that of Faithe Pond’s. We turned to face her.
Faith was my first crush, but I never told her. And after a while, my feelings for her dissipated anyway. I remember the day we met clearly, even now. We were both in art class at Audrie Middle, and she was painting a river. I was drawing a dreamland of sorts. I probably still have that paper lying around somewhere, but I’ve no clue as to where it could’ve gone. She was mixing green and blue to create an aquatic kind of greenish blue. She had talent. I complimented her art, and she thanked me. We started talking about different types of art we’d seen, and we became friends.
Back then, she was more expressive. When she came to Winter Lakes, she seemed to have lost that. Something in her changed over the summer, but I was never sure of what. Gossip spread around the school pretty quickly, but that kinda happens for all of us.
And by “us”, I mean us, in the special ed classes.
When you’re pretty much forced to hang out with the same group of people every day, you become less like friends and more like family. That being said, none of us are good at sticking up for each other. When I first came to Winter Lakes, my social anxiety went through the roof. I was really quiet and had my headphones in a lot. From what I heard, some people thought I was gonna be a school shooter. After I got my fair share of bullying though, people stopped thinking that. I hope.
But the special ed students I’m closest to are Jack and Faith.
Jack was diagnosed with autism when he was just a baby. He’s really smart but lacks social skills and common sense. Another thing is that you can’t be vague with him. He won’t understand it. And lastly, you can usually find him with his mind somewhere else. It’s hard to keep an actual conversation with him. This is the part where you’d expect me to say, “I think that’s why we became friends,” but, no. Our mothers knew each other, and we’ve been hanging out with each other since we were born. We were destined to become friends from there, even if we were both a bit different from each other.
Faith was diagnosed with depression and ADHD when she just entered Audrie High, her previous high school. Everybody could see the ADHD part of her, but nobody ever commented on her depression. Now that I think about it, a lot of people made fun of her for her ADHD. Maybe that’s why she became so expressionless in Winter Lakes. I never got an actual answer from her about it.
Then there’s me, Josh.
I’m in special ed classes because of social and just overall anxiety. It’s not uncommon to see me having a mini panic attack every now and then. Those are bad, but full-on attacks are even worse. Thankfully, I’m able to hide myself away before anyone can see me go into one of those. As for my social anxiety, I’m able to kinda dampen it by tuning out all the people around me. I usually do that by listening to music. When it comes to school, though, I can’t do that. So, I usually just get to the next class as fast as I can. Thankfully, all the special education classes are in one wing.
We’re the group of people that’s too weird to fit in with the majority of the school, but also too normal to be grouped with the rest of the special ed kids, according to the majority of the school. So, Jack, Faith, and I... our friend circle has been given the name “the outcasts.” We weren’t always called that, though. In fact, it used to be that the only people to acknowledge our existence were the special ed kids.
It’s not a good name to have.
Despite that, we’ve lived with it. It’s our senior year now, so thankfully we’ll outlive that name... hopefully. I know for sure I won’t be going to any high school reunions. Other than Jack and Faith, I didn’t have any other friends. Well, that’s a lie, I guess. After all, there was someone new this time around.
“Josh!” A familiar voice sounded behind me.
“Oh hey, Josh,” Jack said, with a smug tone. “Ya gonna introduce me to your girlfriend?”
Isa pouted. “Hey! I’m not his girlfriend-!”
“Oh, in denial already?” Jack chuckled, then Faith elbowed him. Thanks, Faith.
“Denial?” Isa asked.
I sighed. I knew letting that conversation continue would be like letting two people murder each other. “Isa, these are my friends, Jack Korus and Faithe Pond.”
Isa faced Faith, completely ignoring Jack. “It’s nice to meetcha!”
Faith gave a faux smile. To most people, it’d look real. But to me, I knew exactly what it was. I bit my lip since I knew that moment would not be the right time to bring it up. Thankfully, at that moment, we were all saved the awkward moment by the bell.
Jack was the first one to speak up. “Guess I should get going, then.” He walked away, mumbling under his breath something about the layout of the school.
Faith was the next one to say something. “I should get to my class too, see you at lunch.” She waved bye to me before walking in the opposite direction.
“My class is actually right down the hall,” Isa sighed. “So, I’ve still got time.” She turned to me. “Wanna talk for a bit?”
I knew my class was pretty far away, but I seemed to have forgotten that when I said, “Sure!”
We had talked about our school life, the friends we’ve made, the experiences we’ve had, the passage of time seemed non-existent while our conversation was ongoing. That was, until the bell had rung a second time. We both immediately knew we were late for our next classes.
* * * * *
The final bell had woken me up, followed by the voice of my 8th period teacher, who I only remember as Mr. G. “Remember class,” he had said. “You will be tested on this on Friday.” To which the entire class had responded in unison, “Yes, Mr. G.”
When I had walked out of the school, I stretched my arms above my head, then looked back at the school. It was such a large building for a high school, you’d think their budget would be higher. Unfortunately, though, it’s not. It’s pretty small, actually. Did you know Winter Lakes spends a surprising amount of money on pool chlorine? It’s a lot!
Students aren’t supposed to know that kind of stuff, but I did. At times when I needed to wait in the medical office for my medication, I read through whatever I could find. The nurse left a lot of his office cabinets unlocked. And those office cabinets always had some serious stuff about the school.
As I looked back toward the entrance, I saw Faith walking out of the school. That was unusual for her, she usually stayed after to hang out with her crush. I walked up to her. “Hey!” I exclaimed.
Faith looked surprised to see me. “Josh?!” She said. “You’re still waiting out here?”
I gave a confused look. “Well... yeah. Me and Jack always go home together.”
Faith let out a sigh. “Then you’ll be waiting awhile. Dumbass got himself detention.”
Of course, he did. Another thing about Jack was he liked breaking rules. Most of the time on purpose, just to see where the lines could be drawn. Even after figuring out where the line had been drawn, he always did it another time just to be sure.
“Guess I’ll walk home myself, then.” I said.
“Wait up!” Faith replied, running towards me.
We were walking home, side by side. I was unsure why Faith was walking home the same path I took. After all, she lived several blocks away from me. At least Jack was just a few houses down from mine. I thought about asking her, but my anxiety had won me over again and I couldn’t find the words to ask her.
Most of our walk was in silence. That was, until suddenly she had stopped. When I heard her stop, I instinctively turned to her and had asked “Is there something wrong?”
It was only then that I realized she had tears in her eyes.
“No, I just needed to catch my breath is all.” She said.
“You don’t seem fine.” I said, worried.
“I am, don’t worry.”
It was usually normal for Faith to hide or lie about her feelings. I never really knew how to help anyway, so I just bit my lip.
We continue the walk in silence, until we reach my road. Knowing that her house wasn’t in the same direction as mine, I waved her goodbye. She waved back and walked to her house. I felt kinda guilty for noticing she wasn’t fine but not doing anything about it. I figured then it’d probably be better to figure it out with Jack around anyway, he was always better at wording things.
When I walked into my home, I yelled out “I’m home!” Even though I knew nobody would be home for a while, it still felt like... the “normal” thing to do. I plopped down on the couch and threw my jacket to the side. I checked my phone. 3:14. Jack wouldn’t be getting out for another half hour or so. I figured I needed something to do, so I started looking through social media.
Everybody seemed to be talking about New Year’s, and how they were going to celebrate it. It was then that I realized I had forgotten all about New Year’s. It was so close, too. Almost as close as Christmas. I didn’t really have anything planned, since my family never really celebrates New Year’s.
Jack and Faith celebrate it, I think. Or at least, they did. I wasn’t sure if they still did. I decided that it was something I could worry about later, at another time.
* * * *
When the weekend had rolled around, I again found myself with nothing to do. My family was home now, but everyone was off doing their own thing. I was listening to some music, as per the usual, but that ended up getting boring, too. I pulled out my phone, deciding it would probably be a good idea to call someone and talk to them. It wasn’t something I usually do, but this was a special occasion... if you could call it that.
I didn’t have many contacts in my phone. Other than my family, there were three names that stuck out in my list: Faithe Pond, Isabelle Latem, and Jack Korus. I had to weigh my options on who to call.
I’ve never really been able to hold a conversation with Jack unless he starts it. I’m not really good at picking a subject. When Jack starts a conversation, though, he likes to ramble on. Which may sound like a bad thing, but it isn’t. Not for me. The less I have to talk, the better. The less I have to talk, the less chance I have of messing something up.
I was able to talk to Faith, we get along pretty well. That is, if she’s not hanging out with anyone while I’m calling her. When that happens, I usually feel like a bother. And I did remember other students in the hall saying something about a party this weekend. If there’s even a chance Faith’s crush is there, then I knew I shouldn’t call.
So that leaves Isa. I hadn’t really tried talking to her over the phone before. I tapped her number in the contacts list, and the phone dialed her number. It wasn’t long before a voice had emitted from the speaker.
“Hiya!” Isa’s voice had said over the phone, in an enthusiastic tone. “You’ve reached Isabelle Latem! How can I help you today?”
I chuckled a bit. “You sound like you’re working a fast-food restaurant's drive-thru.”
“Yeah, as if. I’d never have the patience to work at one of those.”
“I applaud those who do, honestly.”
Isa got a good chuckle out of that one. “Yeah, same.” After a small amount of silence, Isa asked me a question. “So... why’d you call me up?”
I was scared of that question; cause I wasn’t sure how I should answer it. I decided to go with my gut and just tell her what was on my mind when I tapped her name in my contacts list.
“Well,” I started. “I wanted to talk to someone, and I wanted to talk to you the most.”
“You did?” Isa asked, with a hint of confusion in her voice. “But... why me?”
“I just felt... safest talking to you, I guess?”
“Safest?”
“Yeah, I feel like I can talk to you without my anxiety shooting through the roof.”
“That’s... nice to hear, actually. I’m glad I’m able to help you with that. Even if I don’t know a thing about it.”
I gave a small chuckle. For some reason, talking to Isa actually made me happy. I remember getting this stupid smile on my face during the phone call.
“Oh, hey!” Isa had spoken up. “Are you excited for New Year’s?”
“Oh, right. New Year’s is next week, huh?”
“What?! Did you forget about it?”
“Kinda.”
“How?”
“Well, my family doesn’t really celebrate it. So, it’s not like I’m used to looking forward to it.”
“Well then!” Isa declared with a confident tone. “That changes now!”
“I don’t think they’ll celebrate it this year, Isa.”
“They don’t have to! Cause me and my family, we always celebrate it. Every year.”
“So... wait, are you saying-?”
“Yep! You can come on over to my house on New Year’s, I’m sure my family wouldn’t mind me bringing a friend over.”
“That’d be amazing, Isa!” Then I remembered. “Wait... how many people will be there?”
“Huh? Oh... right. Big crowds probably aren’t your thing. Let me think...” Isa stayed silent for a moment. “I think just me and a few other family members. Only our family that lives in the village and the city comes over. Which is a surprisingly small amount.”
“Good.” I let out a small breath of relief. “I would definitely love to come over, then.”
“Great! Ooh, I can’t wait! I’ll go see if I can set something up. Talk to you later, Josh!” Isa said excitedly, then hung up the phone.
I smiled to myself, then spoke into the empty receiver. “Talk to you later, Isa.” As expected, no voice had returned from the speaker. Not even an echo.
The room around me, however, seemed brighter.
* * * *
Looking myself in the mirror, I stared at my green eyes and brown hair. I had smoothed out my hair a bit, then ruffled up it again. I knew styled hair looked nicer but having a bed hair-like style was pretty much my iconic style at this point. I didn’t wanna look too formal, either.
This would be the first time in a very long time I meet the family of a new friend. If you couldn’t tell, I didn’t make many friends. Thankfully, though, I don’t think I made any enemies.
After a little touch up, I looked myself in the mirror again, nodded my head, and said “Yep!” I was happy with my style. I was gonna check up with Isa, then I heard a knock at the door. “Coming!” I yelled through the house. The knocking was coming from the back door, which was weird. Nobody ever really knocks on the back door unless they know my family.
When I opened the door, a surprising sight had greeted me. Faith was staring back at me through a mesh screen that separated our house from the infestation of bugs in our backyard. I wasn’t expecting her to come over that day.
“Care to come in?” I asked, after a moment of awkward silence had filled the air around us. Awkwardness always choked me. I never wanted to be in it for long.
“Yeah,” Faith said, blankly. “that’d be a good idea.”
Faith walked into the house and took off her shoes. My family had a custom of taking shoes off when you enter a house, and my friends honored that. My family wasn’t exactly a bunch of clean freaks, but they still liked the house better when it wasn’t dirty.
Faith walked into the living room and sat on the couch. “What’re your parents working on out there?”
“Oh,” I said. “That. Just a trampoline, I think.”
“You think?”
I shrugged. “I don’t exactly keep up on these happenings.” Faith nodded silently at my reply, then there was another moment of silence. “So... what’s up?” I asked, hoping to break the choking air yet again.
“Oh yeah,” Faith said. “Yeah, I did come here for a reason, didn’t I?” Faith shuffled around where she was sitting, as if the couch had suddenly been covered with rocks and she was looking for a comfortable spot to relax on.
I sat down next to her, and then she settled down a bit. “Sorry.” She said.
“It’s fine,” I said. “Just take your time.” Through these years, I’ve learned how to talk to Faith when she’s uncomfortable.
“Right, right.” Faith said, under her breath. After taking a few deep breaths, Faith turned to me with a new expression on her face. One I knew all too well when seeing it on myself in the mirror. An expression of sadness, guilt, and uncertainty. She looked like she was holding back tears. Then, she spoke.
“Remember how I told you about that party?” Faith asked.
“Yeah, I remember.” I said.
“I’m surprised you didn’t come.”
“I wasn’t invited.”
“Oh... right. Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. I probably would’ve had an anxiety attack there anyway. Anyway, continue.”
“So, you knew about my crush, right?”
“Yeah, I knew you had a crush. Didn’t know anything about him, though.”
“The party I went to... it was his. And his ex-girlfriend was there. The two got into a fight, and she stormed away. He tried chasing after her, then he... he hit her! Right across the face, in the middle of the street, in front of everyone! Josh, she was bleeding and...” Faith started crying, putting her face in her hands.
I hugged Faith, and I must’ve caught her by surprise, because she jumped a bit. But she hugged back, crying on my shoulder. I was never good at knowing what to do in these situations. But at that moment, I thought I did the right thing.
“Thank you, Josh,” she said shakily.
We stayed that way for a while, until she had let go of me and moved back, wiping away her tears. I didn’t realize it then, but she was still holding back a lot from me. Maybe she didn’t want me to worry about her. Whatever the case, I thought she had gotten it all out.
“Hey, Josh?” Faith asked.
“Yeah?” I replied.
“Can you stay with me tonight? I just really don’t trust myself to be alone.”
As soon as I heard her say that, I wasn’t sure what I should say back. I could’ve said a number of things. If I did stay with her, then I’d be breaking Isa’s promise. But if I didn’t stay with her, she might do something we’ll both regret.
On one hand, I haven’t known Isa for that long. So, it’s not like either of each other had that much trust in us anyway. But on the other hand, that’s exactly why I should go. If I break a promise I made to her, it might hurt our friendship. And frankly, I still wanted to be friends with Isa. I couldn’t wait to see her again.
There’s also Faith, though. Her and I have been friends for nearly our entire lives. We’ve been through so much, and she’s helped me through so much, no matter how hard it was for her.
When it comes right down to it, the choice was pretty obvious.
* * *
Faith opened her bedroom window, and a breeze suddenly filled the room. The outside had been much noisier now, with the cheers of excited New Year’s goers and sounds of sparklers going off.
“Can you please close that?” I asked. There were too many sounds and smells wafting through the window. I was afraid it’d send me into a panic attack.
“Right, sorry.” Faith apologized, closing her window.
“Thank you,” I replied.
I had been in Faith’s room many times before. We used to play board games in here all the time as kids. It was more... odd than I remembered, however. The walls were a darker pink and the dark green oval carpet that covered the middle of her small bedroom had now been replaced with a dull gray rectangular carpet that covered nearly all of the floor.
Faith’s bed was also a mess. She used to always have it nice and tidy, with her stuffed animals above her pillows. Now her blankets are covering different parts of the bed in uneven places, her stuffed animals are all over the place, and her pillows... well her pillows were normal.
Now that the window was closed, the only sound remaining in the room was the clock ticking, and some party going on downstairs that neither of us want to be a part of.
“Thanks for um...” Faith started. “Staying with me tonight. It means a lot to me.”
“Hey,” I replied. “I’m your friend. And friends help each other in tough times.”
“Yeah, I guess so...” Faith forced a chuckle under her breath. “I would’ve asked Jack, but I don’t think he’d be good in situations like this.”
“Honestly, Jack is probably better at this than I am. I mean, hell, you and Jack have known each other longer than I’ve known you.”
“Maybe, but... Jack also likes to go on rants. Right now, I think I need to hear my own voice along with someone else’s.”
“Haha, yep, that’s Jack for you.”
Suddenly, a loud cheer had roared from beneath us. Followed by more cheering, although fairly quiet.
“Is it 2018 already?” I asked.
Faith checked her watch. “No, not yet. Still got half an hour.”
I leaned back on the wall I was sitting against. “Then what’s all the cheering about?”
“Knowing them?” Faith said. “They’re probably playing some game drunk.”
“Adults really like drinking, huh...”
Faith didn’t respond to that. She just looked away when I said that. “Yeah, I guess they do.” She said after a while.
“I hate alcohol,” I said, stretching my arms. “Just the smell of it triggers my gag reflex.” I looked to Faith, who was now looking out of the window. Her mind seemed somewhere else, somewhere far from where we were now. I looked around the room, then spotted a little plush golden retriever that Faith used to always play with. Although its fur had gotten dirtier over the years, it was still as fluffy as I remember it.
I grabbed it, went to Faith, then when she turned... “Boop!” I tapped her nose with the plush dog’s paw. She got a bit of a giggle out of that. Then she grabbed the dog out of my hands and fluffed my hair with it.
“Hey!” I said, grabbing the dog from her. “Two can play at that game!”
Just as I was about to mess up her hair, she ducked out of the way and laughed. “Come on, Josh, you used to be faster than that!”
“I just need to warm up is all!” I giggled, then chased after her.
We played with the dog for a long while, and both laughed while doing it. It’s true, we both had our problems. While we’d never be able to fully solve those problems for good, we had each other to forget them for a short while. I guess that’s the good part of being an outcast. Nobody knows you better than the other outcasts.
Our dog chasing adventure ended up with us both laying on Faith’s floor.
“Thank you, Josh,” Faith said. “I haven’t had that much fun in a while.”
“I’m glad,” I said with a smile. “I like seeing your true smile.”
“You and Jack. You’re the only ones who know how to make me smile.”
“Hey, remember when Jack started a food fight in 8th grade?”
Faith suddenly burst out laughing. “Oh my god, I nearly forgot about that! He threw a banana peel across the cafeteria, trying to land it in the trash bin.”
“But he accidentally hit the cafeteria monitor,” I continued. “Who threw it back at him. Then some kid near her yelled-”
“Food fight!” Faith said, triumphantly.
“Food was flying everywhere that day! I still feel so bad for the janitor who had to clean up that mess.”
Me and Faith laughed together at the memory.
“Yeah.” She said. “We’ve had some really good memories.” She turned to me. “I’m glad we’re all friends.”
I turned back to her. “We’ve got each other, and we always will have each other. Nothing will break that.”
Faith smiled a bit. “Josh, I...”
“Hm?” I asked. “Is something the matter?”
Faith shuffled a bit in her spot. “Yeah, kinda.” She left a moment of silence, then continued. “Josh...” Then she shook her head. “Never mind, it’s stupid.”
“You can tell me.”
“I will. Just... not right now.”
I shrugged. “If you say so.”
Suddenly, we heard chanting downstairs.
5!
4!
3!
2!
1...!