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The school day started out like all the others. Isa, Jack, and I were all walking to school. Isa was talking about the art that she was making. She said that she was making a lot more now, and that she never knew she had such artistic skill before she went to that camp.
“I’ve been making all sorts of stuff,” she told us. “Oceans, grasslands, forests, mostly nature stuff. I’ve dabbled in trying to make art of industrial buildings, but I think I still need work on that.” She then turned to me. “You should come over again! I’d love to show you what I’ve made.”
“Oh, sure!” I said. “Maybe I can go over after school today.”
After walking for several minutes, we arrived at the school entrance, where Faith was waiting. She had her blue butterfly pin in her hair today, which was something I hadn’t seen her wear for years. The last time she wore it was when we were graduating from Audrie Middle. The teachers told her she couldn’t wear it during the ceremony, but she ended up doing it anyway.
“Hey,” she said. “You three really like traveling in a pack, huh?”
Isa giggled. “You make it sound like we’re animals when you say it like that.”
“Well, humans are technically animals,” Jack said. “Difference is from most animals, we have opposable thumbs... and civilization... and technology... okay, we’re a bit different from most animals.”
“You’re wearing your butterfly pin today,” I decided to bring that up to Faith. “You haven’t worn that since graduation. What, are you feeling nostalgic?”
“Oh, that,” she said. “I just found it while searching for something else, figured I might as well wear it instead of letting it collect dust in some random drawer.”
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. It looks nice on you.”
“Ah, thanks...” Faith gave me a smile. I liked seeing her smile.
Just after that, the bell had rung, which meant it was time for us to get to our first period classes. Jack, Faith, and I all walked together towards the special ed wing of the school and Isa went towards the science wing.
“Remember how my therapist started me on new meds?” Faith asked, as soon as we were out of the crowd of people. “I can really start to feel them working now, they’re helping a lot more than any of the other ones before them. I’ve been able to focus a lot more and get things done, and it’s helped me feel a lot better about myself.”
“So, is that why you’re wearing the pin today, then?” I asked.
“Partially, yes.”
“Why didn’t you bring it up before?”
“Isa is... well, she’s neurotypical. And we all know how neurotypicals are when it comes to medicine and all that, you know?”
“Aren’t I neurotypical?”
“Well, yes, but...– “
“–you’re different.” Jack said. “You’re more like us than she is, if that makes sense. You’ve also been around much longer.”
“I guess that makes sense,” I said. “but Isa is obviously an ally, she’s never made fun of any of you for your conditions before, doesn’t that count for something?”
Jack shook his head. “See, a neurotypical can be an ally, but they’ll never know the kind of stuff we go through. Hearing that we take medicine for our conditions, or just us talking about our conditions, it can make them think that we’re ‘weird’... you get what I’m saying?”
“Yeah, I understand... I can sorta see where you’re coming from, in a way.”
“Don’t you take meds, too, Josh?” Faith asked.
“Used to,” I said. “Then the doctors decided that I didn’t need them anymore. It’s not like they did much, anyway. They were just something to take in the morning.”
“What? You got anxiety meds, didn’t you?”
“Yep.”
“And they didn’t help? Not even a little?”
“Not even the tiniest bit.”
“Well, meds don’t work for everyone,” Jack said. “It’s always a gamble... ah, here we are.”
We arrived at our first period classroom. Previously, the teachers tried having me go into more mainstream classes with larger crowds of students, but after my attack from last month, they decided it would be best if I moved back into special ed classes for the most part. I still had some mainstream classes during the day, but I didn’t start out the day with one, at least.
We entered the classroom, and this one was much quieter. There definitely wasn’t as many kids in the special ed classes as there were in the normal classes. See, the special ed classes at Winter Lakes operated at an 8:1 ratio, meaning that for every eight students, there was one teacher. There were ten kids in our class, and therefore, there were two teachers: a regular teacher, and a teacher’s aide. The main job of the teacher’s aid was to help students that were struggling and also fill in for the teacher whenever they were out.
I could actually sit in the back of the classroom here and feel relief, I knew none of the kids in the special ed classes would think that I was weird for doing so.
That being said, we still don’t have many friends in the special ed classes. As I’ve said before, Jack, Faith, and I are all considered ‘too normal’ to fit in with the rest of the class, so we’re just the outcasts. Don’t get me wrong, they still tolerate us and will help us when we need it, but that’s about it. Nobody ever wants to hang out with us or find out more about us. They’re fine with us being strangers.
As soon as the teacher came into the room, the bell rung. That signified that the first period class was starting. I pulled out my notebook, and for the first time in a while, I didn’t worry that I was going to panic mid-lesson. To me, today was going to be a breeze.
* * * *
That was, until the end of the day.
My last class of the day was a mainstream one, so I didn’t leave at the same class with Faith and Jack. I expected to find them at the entrance of the school, but they were nowhere to be found. It was normal for Jack not to be there, but I wondered where Faith was. After searching around more and more, I finally saw her coming out of the entrance. She must’ve gotten caught in the crowd again. I decided to go up to her, even if that meant I had to push through some of the crowd.
“Hey!” I said. “How was class?”
“Oh, you know, the usual. Not bad, not good. Jack’s staying behind to get some help, by the way.”
“Ah, so that’s where he is. Thought it was odd that Jack wasn’t coming out with you.”
Suddenly, I heard another voice calling me from behind. I turned around and saw Isa, waving her hand, trying to signal me over. I turned my head over to Faith and asked, “do you mind if I-?”
Faith shook her head. “You should go over there. I’m sure she needs you for something important.”
I nodded and pushed through the crowd again to get over to Isa. “Hey, Isa,” I said when I got to her. “what’s up?”
“I just wanted to walk home with you,” Isa said with a smile. “I really wanted to talk with you again.”
“Oh, alright, we can do that!”
So, we ended up taking the usual route home. There were many leaves on the ground, which isn’t something you really expected in Spring, but winds were at full force lately. They were definitely blowing hard enough to get some leaves off the trees. There was also some wishing flower fluff flying below. Ah, you might not know what a wishing flower is, they do go by different names. They’re technically weeds, but they have all sorts of fluff around them, and when you blow on them, the fluff goes all over. They’re called “wishing flowers” because you’re meant to make a wish before blowing it everywhere. It was a childhood tradition of mine.
“So, what did you wanna talk about?” I asked Isa. “Seemed like you had something on your mind back at the school.”
“Oh yeah,” Isa said. “there is... did anything happen with you while I was gone off at camp?” And just like that, the question was brought up. She definitely knew what happened.
I sighed. “Yeah, I sorta had an... attack, and ended up running out of the school.”
“Yeah, that’s what I heard... why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I just... I... I didn’t want you to worry, okay? It’s nothing worth worrying over, anyway. I’m doing much better now, trust me.”
“Josh, you really shouldn’t try to hide that stuff from me.”
“I know, I know, it’s just... I don’t like people worrying about me. It makes me feel like a burden.”
Isa stopped, then gave me a hug in the middle of the sidewalk. “I promise you, no matter what, you’ll never be a burden to me. Even on the days where you’re at your lowest and it feels like you can’t do anything, I’ll be there for you. I promise.”
“...thank you.”
I really needed to hear that for someone. Even though I already knew Isa, Jack, and Faith would be there for me no matter what, I really needed someone to say it, to confirm it. And that’s just what I got. I was really close to crying, but I still managed to hold it back, leading to only a sniffle from me.
“We should get going,” Isa broke from the hug. “I don’t know what your parents are like, but mine don’t like it when I’m home late.”
I shrugged. “My parents couldn’t really care any less, honestly.”
So, we walked home together, and we split off at a corner street. I waved goodbye to her, and what she told me had played on repeat in my mind. I just kept thinking about it, over and over and over. Nobody has ever explicitly told me they’d be there for me; it was always implicit. And I was fine with that. But hearing someone actually say it for once, it was a different experience. I felt a wave of happiness whenever I thought about it.
I kept going and arrived home, to which I saw the driveway was empty. It was expected, though, it wasn’t time for my parents to come back from work yet. They didn’t come back until the evening, that’s how it’s always been, even back in elementary school. Back then, they’d have me go over to Jack’s since his mom used to work remotely.
I looked at the front door, which was a faded white, with random scratches all over the place usually left by birds and attempts to get large packages through the door. I pulled out my house key from my bag and opened the door.