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The rain was falling hard outside, however it did so quietly. It left no sound but the sounds of the gentle pac pac of the rain hitting the pavement and grass, along with the sounds of the occasional car gliding across the road, sometimes hitting a puddle that created a large splash!
I was laying in my bed, mindlessly scrolling through one of the many social media apps I had on my phone. I never interacted with anyone on social media, but I found it fun to see what was going on in everyone else’s lives. I suppose it’s kinda weird, but I’ve never really liked the idea of interacting with anyone on social media. The most I’ll do is reply on my friends’ stuff from time to time.
The rain kept coming down harder and harder, and I was amazed that none of it was coming through the open window in my bedroom. At that moment, the only thing separating my bedroom from the outside was a mesh that was meant to keep bugs out from my room. It worked most of the time, but some really small bugs still managed to get through it, though thankfully they didn’t bother me much, so I never bothered them.
I then heard the sound of tire tracks slowly hitting the pavement, which was a sign that my parents were home. I just ignored it and went back to looking at the posts on my phone. There wasn’t much to see, but I wanted a distraction anyway. I didn’t like it when my parents came home, because they were never in a good mood. Little did I know, that day would be no different.
My mom had screamed my name, and I jumped, nearly dropping my phone. Depositing my phone into my pocket, I stumbled out of my bed and ran down the stairs. She yells again, and that’s how I knew she was in the living room. Why would she be yelling at me from the living room? What did I do this time? A million thoughts were racing through my head, but I let out a sigh of relief when I saw it was just a broken vase. At least I knew they weren’t going to yell at me for that – I was out with Faith and Jack all day. Well, I thought they weren’t going to, anyway. I was wrong.
Both my mom and dad started yelling at me, blaming me for the broken vase. I was immediately hit with whiplash, unsure of where the accusations were coming from. There was no way I could’ve broken the vase; I wasn’t even at home for most of the day. And when I did come home, I went straight up to my room like I usually do. I didn’t even have the chance to break the vase. Why was I being blamed for it? I explained to my parents that there was no way I could’ve broken the vase, but they simply brushed it off I told me I was lying.
I’m not lying, though! I screamed to myself in my head. Why am I being blamed? There’re so many things that could’ve happened, why are they assuming that I did it? And why are they calling me a liar? I’m not lying, really, I’m not. What do I do?
I put my hands on my head as they kept yelling at me. There was so little happening here, but it felt like a whole whirlwind to me. Like the entire world was collapsing into itself and I was at the center, feeling the weight of the world hit me all at once. I couldn’t handle it, and I started crying.
Then I got yelled at for crying. I was being told that I wasn’t going to fool them with my tears, and that I should just man up and admit to what I did. I didn’t want to do that, though, I didn’t like lying. If I told them I did it, I’d be lying. I kept crying and crying, and they kept yelling and yelling. Everything got louder, the buzz of the lamp, the high-pitched noise coming from the old CRT TV, the neighbor’s party from across the street.
Everything just felt wrong. I didn’t know what to do, so I collapsed and fell onto the floor, still crying into my hands, now mixed with my own yelling to drown everything out. This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening. That thought kept playing in my mind like a broken record. This couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t real, it couldn’t be. That’s what I convinced myself.
And then, out of nowhere, I felt something hard go against my head. My dad had slapped me, right across the side of my head. I was in shock, such shock that I stopped crying, and just stared. In terror, in curiosity, I don’t know, but I stared at the floor, unable to process what had just happened.
“I-” words couldn’t come out of my mouth. I was completely frozen in place, my mind screaming at me, telling me to run. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. It felt like I was glued to that position.
The entire world around me had gone silent for a minute. The deafening silence, overwhelming my ears, leaving me with nothing to process, except the throbbing pain of my head and the dark red carpet that covered our living room floor. Tears streamed out of my eyes, but I wasn’t crying. There was no sound coming out of my ajar mouth. Just silence.
Finally, they asked me if I was going to admit it.
“I...” I wasn’t even thinking anymore. I was in total, utter fear. I didn’t care about my morals at that time and lying was fine by me as long as it meant an escape. “Yes... I... I did it. I broke the vase. I’m sorry.”
I don’t remember what the punishment was, but I don’t think it was important, anyway. I remember going back up to my room, hand still on my head, still attempting to process what had happened. The transition from every sound at once to a terrifying silence kept playing over and over in my head, like had someone had clicked repeat.
That was back when I was 14. Incidentally enough, I’d receive my anxiety diagnosis the next year, and given medication to treat it. The medication didn’t help much, it never has, but we’ve tried them all. None of them work like they should. There’s only one brand that helps me even a little, so that’s what I ended up getting prescribed.
That event still plays in my head. The calm, into the fear, into the loud, into the absolute quiet and uncertainty. It’s something I’ll never be able to forget, I’ve convinced myself. It’s just the way life is for me. I’ve gotten smarter, though. I’ve learned when to lie, and when it’s okay to tell the truth. Usually, it’s not okay to tell the truth. But it’s fine, I’m used to it.
When I look back on that event now, I think to myself, why would they be so adamant on forcing me to lie? A parent’s job is to protect their kids, after all. Maybe I did do it, and just don’t remember. Maybe they were always right, and all the bad things I claimed I never did, I actually did do. Maybe I was lying to myself.
Part of me tells me it’s not true, that I’m a good person, and I’d never do those things. That part of me tells me I’m the kind of person who’d immediately try to rectify my mistakes and apologize when I can’t. But that part of me is wrong, it has to be.
I must have broken the vase.
* * * *
I was waiting by the pharmacy’s pickup desk for my medicine to be refilled. Usually, I’d call in a refill, and my parents would pick it up. However, my parents were busy on the day my refill had been called it, so I just walked to the pharmacy by foot and got it myself. It wasn’t that far, anyway.
While waiting, I was looking around at the building. The ceiling was very high up, and there were several aisles spanning the pharmacy. There was an aisle for medicine, an aisle for cards, an aisle for snacks, and an aisle for miscellaneous things. It felt more like a convenience store than a pharmacy.
The pharmacy was never busy, strangely enough. There were a few people in it from time to time, but that was about it. And most never came up to the pickup window, instead opting to use the drive thru pickup. The only reason I’ve seen people come in is to either pick up cards or some random hygienic products. There wasn’t much else people came in for. Hell, it had a booth where you could pick up pictures that you print online, but nobody in the neighborhood ever used it. Everyone had their own printers, and everyone unanimously decided that printing your own pictures and cutting them out was just cheaper.
Eventually, the woman behind the counter came back and handed me my medicine. I waved goodbye to her as I walked out of the store, as the pickup window was just across from the exit. When I was walking out of the pharmacy, I saw two familiar faces walking along the sidewalk. I raised my hand up and waved, calling over to them.
“Jack! Faith!” I called.
“Oh, Josh!” Jack was the first to respond, walking over to me, with Faith following behind him. “It’s been a while, how you’ve been?”
“Oh, you know, same-old, same-old.” I replied. “I’ve been spending a lot more time with Isa lately, and I can’t wait to spend even more time with her!”
Faith sighed. “Yeah, about that...”
“Huh?”
Jack scratched the back of his head. “Well, Faith and I have been talking and, well, you’ve been spending a lot of time with Isa... too much time, even, you haven’t made any for us.”
“Ah- uh... sorry?” I said it in a sort of questioning tone. I wasn’t sure if that was something to apologize for.
“We miss hanging out with you,” Faith said. “this is the first summer since we all became friends where you haven’t been around at all.”
“We know you love Isa,” Jack said. “but... we would also appreciate it if you made some time for us. After all, we’re the outcasts, right? And we gotta stick together, that’s what we agreed on the first day Faith came to Winter Lakes.”
I put my right hand on the back of my neck. I felt sorta down. They did have a point, I was focusing all of my time on Isa, I didn’t make time for anyone else. I completely forgot about everyone else, I was just focused on the person that made me the happiest. I realized that I couldn’t just focus all of my time on Isa. I had to make some room for everyone else in my life, too. Which shouldn’t have been hard, I didn’t have many people in my life to begin with.
“Well,” I said. “I think I can make some time later today. Do either of you wanna do something tonight?”
“Now that you mention it,” Jack said. “there was something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. Think you can come over to my place tonight? Say, any time after 7? I won’t be busy then.”
“Sure,” I said. “I’ll text you when I’m on my way, how does that sound?”
“Sounds good to me,” Jack responded.
“There’s also something I want to talk to you about,” Faith said. “but it can wait, I think. Just tell me when you have the time, and I’ll do my best to make time if need be.”
I nodded. “I’ll be sure to tell you. Don’t think I’ve got anything planned with Isa on Friday, so I’ll probably talk to you then.”
Faith nodded back. “That works for me, Friday is never exactly a busy day for me.”
I smiled. “I’d love to stay and chat, but...”
Faith waved her hand at me. “Don’t worry about it. You can go off and have fun with Isa. We can wait for you.”
“Thank you! I’m glad I have you two as friends.” I said, walking back towards my house.
So, both Jack and Faith have something they want to tell me? I thought to myself. What could they possibly want to talk about? Huh, I guess it’s a mystery, and who doesn’t love a good mystery?
When I got home, I took my pill bottle out of its package and stored it in the medicine cabinet. After that, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. When I pulled it out, I realized I didn’t even need to look at it to see who it was. I immediately accepted the call and heard a voice on the other line that I loved to hear.
“Hey, Josh! You coming?” Isa asked.
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “ended up talking with Jack and Faith in front of the pharmacy for a bit. Just stashed my medicine so I’ll be over as quick as I can!”
“Alright, hurry up, ya slowpoke.” Isa giggled.
“Alright, Ms. Bossypants.” I chuckled. “Love you, bye!”
End call.
* * * *
Hey, man, I’m getting ready to go over now. Is that okay? I texted Jack.
Nearly immediately, I got a text back from him. Yeah, dude, see you there.
I checked my hair in my mirror and made sure to pat off any dust and hairs on my clothes. Jack himself wasn’t very touchy about how people looked, but his parents are a different story. They weren’t exactly a wealthy family, but they still had pretty high standards for when people came over. They wouldn’t kick you out if you weren’t all neat and tidy, but they’d sure give you the stink eye. I liked to avoid getting the stink eye from anyone, especially adults.
After making sure everything was in order and that I looked clean as a whistle, I bolted out of the door and towards Jack’s house. I haven’t told my parents where I’m going when I leave the house for the past few months, I think they’ve realized I’m not going out to hang out in gangs or do drugs, so they don’t particularly care where I’m going.
The sun still was going down now, creating an orange glow that cast itself upon the entirety of the neighborhood, blocked only by tall houses that loomed over the streets like humans over ants. There was a very slight breeze outside that brushed alongside me, reminding me of fall, as that’s usually when we’d get breezes. Summer wasn’t usually the season for them, oddly enough.
As I arrived on Jack’s doorstep, I looked up at his house. It wasn’t a very big house, it only had two floors and an attic that they never used. Most of the house was painted a light purple, with a faded white covering the frame. The front door was a big wooden door with a giant frosted glass window in the shape of an oval covering the center. I knocked on the door and then waited. In no time at all, Jack opened the door and welcomed me in with a smile.
“Just wait by the porch,” he said. “I’ll get us something to drink.”
Oh yeah, Jack’s house had a porch that overlooked... well, not much. But it still was a beautiful sight at night. I didn’t look off of it often, as the last time I was there, I was just a kid. And kids aren’t all that interested in things like looking off of porches.
I rested my arms on the porch railing and took in the sights. This was one of the biggest houses on the block, so it was easy to see over other houses, even on the second floor. I could see the lights of the city in the distance far off. The village didn’t have many lights on at night. There was the occasional party, but besides the stores scattered around the village, that was it. Everyone turned their lights off at night.
The sun was much farther down now, and you could see the purple overarching the village and taking over the sky. It didn’t take it by force, it took it softly, transitioning ever so slightly to make way for a dark blue, and then eventually, pitch black. It was sorta poetic in a way. The soft orange glow giving way to a sharp, dark tone.
You could easily hear the cars cruising along the streets from here. There weren’t many during the day, and there were even less at night. Didn’t mean there were none, though. There were exceptions.
Eventually, Jack came up to the porch and handed me a cup of tea.
“It’s not peach tea, is it?” I asked.
“Like I’d give you peach tea,” Jack said, letting out a small laugh.
“You know me so well!” I took a sip of the tea. It was part iced tea, and part lemon tea. Half and half. It wasn’t exactly my most favorite tea, but it was definitely up there.
“So, what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?”
“We’ll get to that, don’t worry. But first, I wanna hear how your summer’s been. It’s been too long.”
“Right, good place to start, I guess.” I cleared my throat. “Well, I’ve been spending almost all of my time with Isa. We’ve done what couples do during summertime, you know, going to fairs and stuff. We’re even gonna go on a camping trip in August on the mountains!”
“On the mountains? You mean the ones just past the city? Jeez, talk about lucky, I’ve always wanted to go up there.”
“I still don’t know what it’s gonna be like, but I’ve got a good feeling. As long as I’m there with Isa, I’ll do fine.” I took another sip of my tea. “What about you, Jack? What have you been up to?”
“Oh, me? No, you wouldn’t wanna hear what I’ve been up to. It’s not that interesting, I promise you won’t be missing out on anything.”
“Come on, tell me. Surely, you’ve been doing something, right? You’re not the kind of person to just stay in his room doing nothing all day, so tell me what you’ve been doing! I wanna hear all about it! The summer story of Jack Korus!”
Jack laughed. “Well, when you put it like that, I guess I’ve got no choice but to tell you, then.” Jack took a drink from his cup of tea. “I’ve been working on a project of mine, it’s nothing big, but... it’s a project, nonetheless. I haven’t worked on anything in such a long time, so it feels great to finally have the free time to work on this... you know what, I’ll go grab it really quick.” Jack went back inside the house for a bit, then came out with a laptop in both of his hands.
“Don’t tell me you’ve been programming,” I said. “that’d be awesome! Didn’t know you were interested in it, though.”
Jack shook his head. “Nope, it’s not a programming thing. It’s a book.”
“A book? Ooh, Jack Korus, famous writer. I can see it now, everyone lining up to buy your book... what’s it about?”
“Oh, just some stupid fantasy story about an elf who ends up finding himself on dangerous quests to become king after its discovered that he’s the descendant of the previous king, who got assassinated by the elf’s father! Plot twist, right? Ooh, but that’s not revealed til the seventeenth chapter... probably should’ve kept that a mystery. Ah, whatever. And I wrote some romance in there, too! There’s another elf that he falls in love with, but you see, what they don’t know is that they’re both from rivaling kingdoms, and so in the end they end up having to fight to the death and-!”
“Jack... you’re doing it again.”
“...right, right, sorry. Just very excited about this project. Wanna read what I’ve got so far?”
“Maybe another night. It’s getting pretty late, so I can’t exactly take the time to read up on a... how long is it so far?”
“Twenty-two chapters.”
“Yeah, I definitely can’t read that all in one night.”
“Fair enough, I’ll show you some other day, then.”
I nodded. “That’d be a good idea. Either way, you’ve still gotta tell me what you wanted to talk about. You know, the thing you invited me over for? You made it sound like it was pretty serious.”
“Right... that... can I ask a question?”
“Ask away.”
“How have your panic attacks been recently?”
“Well, I thankfully haven’t had any recently.”
“None at all?”
“...well, I got close to it at the fair Isa and I went to. There was just a lot of people, sounds, smells...” I shuddered. “Just a lot at once. I could barely handle it, but thankfully Isa was there to calm me down.”
Jack nodded. “What I’m going to ask might sound absolutely crazy, like I might sound insane to you, but just stick with me, okay?”
I tilted my head. “Uh... yeah, I’m with ya. What is it?”
“Have you... have you ever considered that your panic attacks aren’t... panic attacks?”
I was taken aback by this question. “Well, no. I mean, it’s a result of... that incident. You know the one.”
“And you’ve never had these panic attacks before then?”
“Uh... well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know. I don’t really have any recollection of them?”
“Or did you just not pay attention to them until that incident?”
I turned to Jack and put my tea on the porch railing. “Jack, what are you trying to say? That I’m faking my anxiety? Because I’m telling you right now, I don’t wanna hear it.”
“Look,” Jack said in a calm tone. “I’m not saying that. Not at all. What I’m saying is... your panic attacks... they could be something else entirely. Something that’s not related to your anxiety. Hell, even your anxiety might be something else.”
“...Oh. You’re saying I got misdiagnosed.”
“Sorta.”
“Alright... well, then, you tell me, what is it, then? The reason for me freaking out over my senses? The reason I can’t go to parties? The reason it’s hard for me to make friends? The reason I can’t-”
“Josh.” Jack said in a stern tone.
I shut up.
“Okay, just... just listen, okay?” Jack said. “I’m not a medical professional, but I’ve had years of experience and done tons of research on this.”
Years of experience? Tons of research? What could he be talking about?
Jack let out a deep breath. “Have you ever considered...” he said, with a serious tone. “Josh, have you ever considered that... well... have you ever considered that you might be on the Autism Spectrum?”
Just like that, words came out of Jack’s mouth that I never thought I’d hear from anyone ever. “Jack-” I laughed. What he was suggesting was so out of the world, so unrealistic, there’s no way he was being serious. “Okay, uh... is this what you invited me over for? A joke? Well, it was a pretty funny one, I’ll give you that.”
“I’m not joking.”
“Seriously, Jack, you can stop now. I get it. Haha. You almost got me.”
“Josh, I’m... I’m being serious.”
“...Alright, the joke isn’t funny anymore, Jack.”
“Josh. Look at me.” Jack said. I hesitatingly looked at him in the eyes. “I genuinely think that you might be on the spectrum.”
“I can’t be. No, I can’t be, they would’ve figured that out by now.”
“That’s why I said your anxiety could be something else entirely. It could be your autism, for all we know.”
“B-but... no, but I’m not anything like you – uh, no offense. Jack, I’m nothing like you. I can’t be autistic.”
“Everyone who is on the spectrum is... well, they all have different experiences. I don’t get sensory overloads like many autistic people, but...” Jack looked away from me for a bit, then sighed and looked back at me. “You might. You might be getting sensory overloads, ones that were... strengthened, I guess, due to your traumatic experience.”
I shook my head. “No.” I said quietly. “No!” I said louder. “Jack, what you’re saying it’s... it can’t... it can’t be.”
“Look, being on the spectrum isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be-”
“I don’t care about how bad it is. I care about the years of my life that I’ve lost if this is true. You’re telling me, this entire time, I’ve been taking the wrong medicine for a wrong condition? Imagine all the years of my life I lost to this shit, Jack! All the parties I could’ve gone to, all the awkward situations I could’ve avoided. You’re telling me I missed all that because some stupid doctor couldn’t figure out what was really wrong with me?” I started tearing up. “That I missed my chance to be normal? To fit in with the rest of the kids?”
“Wha- I thought you liked hanging out with us?”
“I-I do, it’s just...” I put my hands on my head and started pacing around. “It’s just, I missed all that, I missed the other side of the fence because of this. It can’t be real. It can’t be. This is some cruel joke. A sick nightmare I’m going to wake up from any minute now. Yeah, yeah, that’s what it is.” I clapped my hands. “It’s a nightmare. I’m just dreaming. I have to wake up.”
Jack grabbed my shoulder. “You’re not dreaming. This is real life.”
I let out a deep breath, then sat on the floor of the porch. “Can you imagine what it’s like to miss years of your life because of some stupid diagnosis?”
“Yeah, because that ‘stupid diagnosis’ is what I received when I wasn’t even old enough to figure out what it was.”
“Yeah... yeah, you’ve got a point there.”
“Look...” Jack sat next to me. “Being on the spectrum isn’t all that bad. I mean, hell, if you do get a diagnosis, you? Yourself? You’ll most likely get a high-functioning diagnosis. That’s more ‘normal’ than what I am.”
“Where are you on the spectrum?”
“Doc says I’m somewhere in the middle. I don’t have all the debilitating symptoms of autism, but I’ve got enough to not be given a high-functioning diagnosis. But you, you’ve got it all together. You might not have anxiety, but the things you’ve learned to manage whatever it is you have? They’ve still helped you, regardless of if you knew what it was or not.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “Yeah... I uh, I know being on the spectrum isn’t that bad... not as bad as some people on the internet make it out to be at least. I mean, hey,” I playfully shoved Jack. “I’ve got living proof right here that it’s not impossible to live on it.”
“Not that hard to live on it when you’ve figured out how to handle it, too. And my years of experience have helped me figure out how to manage it. I’ve even learned how to... ‘act normal.’”
“Masking, I’ve heard of it. It’s when a neurodiverse person acts neurotypical so that nobody will treat them differently than from everyone else.”
“Hey, you’ve done your research.”
“Kinda have to when both your friends are neurodiverse in one way or another.”
“Well, look, if you do decide to get a diagnosis, you know where to find me. I’d be glad to give you any help you need and guide you through your autistic journey.”
“You’re a good friend, Jack.”
“Learned from the best, Josh.”
We gave each other a smile.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Jack may have been right. I never thought about it until now, but things like my nervous tics could be explained by autism – they could not be tics at all, and instead just me stimming. Every sense collapsing into one does explain why I get my “anxiety attacks”, because that’s typically what happens with a sensory overload. It would also definitely explain why I’ve never been good at talking to people, and why I’ve had issues with school.
For the first time in what felt like forever, it felt as though Jack and I had shared a connection, as if though we were on the exact same wavelength. Part of me still didn’t want to accept that I’ve been living out so many years of a lie, but part of me also knew it couldn’t be helped. I was sure that the doctors were confident in my diagnosis. It’s not unheard of to get those wrong, after all.
“Hey, Jack?” I said.
“Yeah?” He asked.
“I think I’d like to read some of your story.”
“It’s getting late, though.”
“You say that like my parents care where I am.”
“Fair enough.”
Jack reopened his laptop and opened up his story. I ended up spending the rest of the night reading it and talking to him about it. By the time I decided I should save the rest for another day, it was already 5AM.
* * * *
Friday ended up coming quicker than I expected it to. Faith wanted to meet me at the village café to talk to me about something. She mentioned to me that it was pretty important, so I made sure to make time for it. I was still recovering from the news that Jack had given me, so I was just hoping that whatever Faith had to tell me would be a little easier to digest.
The café was located on Seasonal Blvd, which is one of the streets that intersects with the city streets, making it extremely busy during the daytime. Despite all that, though, the café never saw much business, even when they brought in free wi-fi to the building. You’d occasionally start seeing someone with a laptop open and a cup of coffee with them, but that was always people who lived in the village. Nobody in the city ever stopped there, they’d just go to their local Starbucks for that.
But like everything else in the village, it was within walking distance for me. I thought of asking Faith to tag along, but I figured she was already there by the time I left the house. She did like getting to places earlier rather than later.
It didn’t take me long to arrive at the café. It was sandwiched between two completely unrelated companies; one being a laundromat, and the other being an electronics store. It had a few wooden tables with seats sitting in front of the café, and a big glass window. From inside the window, I could see Faith sitting a table near the front, scrolling through her phone and a coffee cup in front of her on the table.
I crossed the street when it was safe to and arrived under the bluish-green awning that was attached to the building. I walked inside and ordered an ice water, then tapped Faith’s shoulder, who jumped a little.
“Hey!” she said. “Don’t scare me like that...”
“Sorry, sorry,” I said, sitting down across from her. “Just wanted to let you know I was here.”
“You could’ve just told me,” Faith said, putting her phone away.
I nodded. “Yeah, I could’ve, but, hey, when have I ever done something that’s made sense?”
Faith chuckled. “Yeah, I guess none of us do that, huh? Say, what did Jack wanna talk about with you?”
“Oh, Jack? We talked for a bit, and both agreed in the end that I may or may not be on the autism spectrum. I gotta talk to my doctor about it, I’ve decided, so... nothing concrete yet.”
“Oh... wow. That’s a lot to figure out, then.”
“Yeah, well, I can’t say I was expecting it... but enough about me, let’s talk about you. You said you had something you wanted to talk to me about, right?”
“Yeah... yeah, I do.”
“...It’s not anything bad, is it?”
“Well... no? Maybe? Ugh, it’s hard to tell, really.”
“You’re not gonna tell me you think I have ADHD now, are you?”
“No, no no no, nothing like that. It’s just... it’s something that’s embarrassing to admit.”
“Well, you know you can tell me. I won’t judge you, no matter what.” I said, taking a drink of my ice water.
“You know how some people think they’re in love with someone, only to lose that feeling later on, and then they’re kinda glad they never acted on those feelings in the first place?”
You have no idea. I thought to myself. “Mhm.”
“Yeah... I sorta... used to have feelings for you.”
“Plrt! ... ack!” I choked on my ice water. Definitely wasn’t expecting to hear what I heard. After hitting my chest a few times, I stopped coughing and turned to Faith. “Wait, did I hear you correctly? You said that you used to have feelings for me?”
“...yeah.” she said shyly.
I nodded a bit. “Um, how long ago was that? Just asking.”
“I developed my feelings for you back at new year’s, and sorta lost them about a month ago.”
“Ah... okay.”
“I... I just thought you should know. Part of me would’ve felt weird if I had never told you. So, there you go. You know now.”
We both sat in awkward silence for a while. The café was so quiet that you could hear the steam coming out of the kettles they had that were cooking up hot tea.
“You know...” I said, breaking the silence. “When we first met, I had feelings for you, too... but they faded over time, as well. Eventually, I was just happy to have you as a friend. Even now, I wouldn’t want anything more than this.”
“Ha, it’s a really good thing I never confessed, then.”
More silence. I started biting my thumb’s fingernail, trying to figure out a way to not make things so awkward. This conversation already wasn’t turning out well. Eventually, though, Faith managed to divert the topic into something else entirely.
“Oh, hey,” she said. “You’re going up into the mountains with Isa next month, right?”
“Ah, yep,” I said. “she said that a friend of hers invited her to a campsite, and that she was allowed to bring someone with her. She chose to bring me along.”
“Never took you as someone who’d wanna go up the mountains.”
“Hey, I can appreciate nature from time to time... plus, you know, Isa’s gonna be there and all. She said that we’ll even be able to have our own spot to spend time together in.”
“Oh, so it’ll be just you two alone then, I see.”
“We’re not gonna do anything like... you know. We’re just gonna spend time together, that’s all. Like we normally do.”
Faith shrugged. “I mean, you two have been together for a while now, right? Nearly half a year. You’re both young, and that’s typically what young people in relationships do.” she took a sip of her coffee. “I mean, hey, I’m not going to judge you if you do it.”
“Y-You still shouldn’t be encouraging it, jeez!”
Faith giggled. “Probably shouldn’t. But I’m your friend, so I’m allowed to mess around with you like that.”
“Hm...” I looked out of the window and thought to myself for a bit. “Can I tell you something I haven’t told anyone else?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“I’m... I’m really scared of fucking this whole thing with Isa up. Like, really, really scared. She means so much to me, I’ve never felt this... I’ve never felt such a strong attachment before. It’s like I can’t live without her, you know?”
“You’ll do fine,” she said, with a smile. “you’re Josh Dragol, the man who somehow managed to make friends with people who the rest of the world wanted nothing to do with. And you’re still friends with them – if you can manage to still stay friends with us, you’ll have no issue staying with Isa. I’m certain of it. Just keep following your heart like you normally do. It’ll get you places.”
“Follow my heart, huh... you don’t think that’s a bit cheesy?”
Faith laughed. “Oh, shut up, you know I’m not a relationship expert.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, none of us are. But you’re probably right, I’ll be able to stay with Isa no matter what. She loves me for who I am, so I should just keep being myself. It’s just as simple as that... well, hopefully, anyway.”
Suddenly, a noise started coming from Faith’s phone. “Ah, shit... Listen, I’d love to stay and talk more, but I’ve got family coming over and-”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “you go along. I’ll talk to you again when I have the chance.”
“Thank you, see you, Josh!” she said, running out of the building.
I watched her run all the way down the street towards her house.
The month had barely even started, and already I had to come to terms with two things that I could’ve never expected in the first place. I knew that there wasn’t much I could do, but that didn’t mean I had to like it. In just one week, my world view had been flipped around entirely. I wasn’t sure what to expect anymore, but what did know, is that August would be a special month.
Well, I thought to myself. It’s something to look forward to. And that’s all a person needs sometimes, right?