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I closed the box that was in my hands and put it in my pocket. Today was going to change the rest of my life, that I was sure of. It would either be in the best way possible, or the worst way. That’s what my mind was telling me, anyway. I took my phone out of my pocket and dialed the one person that was on my mind at that moment.
“Hey, Isa!” I said into the phone. “Are you free today? There’s something I wanna talk to you about.”
“Oh, Josh,” Isa said. “Yeah, I’m free. Actually, there was something I wanted to talk about with you, too.”
“Well, that lines up perfectly then, doesn’t it? What do you say we meet at that little patch in the forest behind the school? Around 3 maybe?”
“Yeah... yeah, that works for me.”
“Great! I’ll see you there, then!”
“Mhm, see you.”
End call.
“Jeez, she must be in a hurry,” I said to myself. “Didn’t even let myself say my ‘I love you’. Ah, whatever. We’ve got a meetup planned, that’s all I needed from that call, anyway.”
I felt the box in my pocket and felt myself feel better. I had a good feeling about this meeting. Although I’ve had some ups and downs the for the year, Isa’s been there. She’s made things better. I didn’t know where I’d be without her. I was just so happy to have her in my life. In a way, she was my reason to live. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her – and the box that was in my pocket would do just that.
All that was left... was to ask.
* * * *
We planned to meet at 3PM, but I got there an hour early. I guess Faith was rubbing off on me, or part of me was just too excited not to get there first. I couldn’t wait to see Isa’s face through the trees.
It was November, but that didn’t stop the snow from falling. It came ever so slightly down, but it couldn’t stick to the ground; it was too hot for that. So, it just fell and fell and fell, until it finally hit something and melted away into a small puddle that almost immediately evaporated. Looking up, the sky was extremely cloudy, but it was still fairly light out, which meant the clouds themselves weren’t all that thick. Most likely wouldn’t have to worry about a snowstorm.
The trees gave way to a small patch of clear grass that people often used for picnics in summer, and the young couples of the school snuck out during classes to make out near the end of the school year when every student has had enough of waiting around all day to see their special other. Isa and I never used it for that purpose, but we had thought of it before.
Eventually, I saw Isa’s sharp, black hair contrasted against the pure, white snow coming at me from not far beyond the trees. It didn’t take long before I heard footsteps, and in no time at all, see her face. When she noticed me, she walked right up.
“Hey, Isa!” I said, excitedly. “I’ve been waiting for you!”
“Yeah, I can tell,” Isa said. “It’s pretty unusual for you to come early to stuff, though. You must be excited about something.”
“Oh, yeah! I’m really excited about something. But didn’t you have something you wanted to talk about?”
“I’d rather you talk about what you wanted to talk about, first.”
“Sure, I can do that! So... you know we’ve been dating for a while. Almost a year, in fact! Time really flies by, huh? Anyway, I was thinking about how special you are to me – like, you’ve helped me get through my darkest times. I don’t know where I’d be without you. I would’ve gotten lost for sure, or, hell, even worse! I could be dead by now! That storm wasn’t exactly forgiving, thinking about it now-”
“Hang on,” Isa interrupted. “Stop there. That’s... that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“The storm...? Ah, I guess you should know now, but hold on-”
“Not... the storm. I already figured out what that was about. And it made me realize something.”
I could feel the smile fade from my face. Something was wrong. A chill rushed up my spine, something terrible was about to happen. I did what any person would do; I chuckled. “Wh-what are you saying, Isa?”
“Josh...” she went silent for a minute. “How... integral am I to your own health?”
“...What kind of question is that?”
“Just answer it. Please.”
“Well, pretty integral, I guess. I can’t imagine myself living without you.”
“Yeah... I figured.”
“Why?”
“Josh, I... Fuck, how do I say this? Um... I can’t be with someone who can’t live without me, you know? It’s just too much of a burden for me, I can’t really be someone’s only reason to live. And that person shouldn’t have to have someone who they live for alone, as well.”
“Wait... Isa, you’re not saying-”
“Josh...”
“...No. Tell me I’m overthinking this.”
“I...” she looked away. “You’re not.”
“No, I am. I-I totally am.”
She looked at me, and I could see the serious look in her eyes. “I don’t think you and I should be together. Not in your current state.”
And with those words, it felt like a crack through the Earth had formed beneath me. It didn’t feel real. It was like a shock was sent right through my body. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything. I just stood there in absolute disbelief. What Isa had said still didn’t fully process in my brain. Finally, I managed to mutter a word. “Isa...”
“I’m... I’m sorry. I just... I can’t date someone who needs someone else to live for when I have my own issues I need to face.”
That’s when I realized something; Isa wasn’t perfect. This person who had lived for for nearly the past year wasn’t some perfect human being, she had her own issues, too. She’s probably had them for months, years, and I’ve never noticed. I was just too busy focusing on her presence alone, on her being there. How many things had I missed?
“You can, um...” Isa continued. “You can talk about what you wanted to talk about now.”
“...Huh?” I asked, I still wasn’t fully sure what was going on. “Oh... it’s nothing. Just forget about it, it was stupid.”
“If you say so. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine... I’m fine.”
“I’m sorry. Again.”
“It’s fine. Not like it’s your fault,” then I silently said to myself, “it’s mine. It’s my fault.”
“Could you repeat that?” Isa asked. “I couldn’t hear you.”
“Just talking to myself. Nothing you need to worry about... I... I gotta go.” I ran past Isa into the exit of the forest. And I just kept running. I didn’t stop running.
My breaths felt short. It felt like I was choking on something, but what? That’s when I realized; tears. It was tears. I was choking on tears. I was near the exit of the forest, but I decided to run deeper into it. I looked around a bit, and when I confirmed that nobody was around, I cried.
I kept crying. I don’t know how long for. Was this normal? Dad didn’t cry this much when Mom dumped him the first time. He didn’t cry at all. He just tried again. But that wouldn’t work here. I did something wrong. I didn’t pay attention to Isa like I was supposed to. I couldn’t take that back. If I had just noticed sooner...
And then I realized; it didn’t matter. Isa wasn’t dumping me because I wasn’t paying attention to her; she was dumping me because I couldn’t live being without her. She didn’t want me attached to her like that. She wants someone who will love her but won’t live for her. Can love like that exist? I wouldn’t know. Isa wasn’t my first love, but she was the best.
I felt dizzy. I felt sick. There was something wrong with me. I shouldn’t be getting this fucked up over someone breaking up with me. That’s not normal. I’m not normal. No, fuck that, I know that. I’m not normal. But this isn’t normal, it’s not good.
I just wanted to turn my thoughts off.
A Dragol doesn’t cry.
And there I was, standing in the middle of a forest, bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t even be a Dragol.