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And that brings us to the present.
I’m currently on the train to Wrosa City, the city that’s going to be my new home. There’s a large patch of land that separates the previous city from Wrosa, so we’re going through that now. These lands are covered with tons and tons of snow, it’s like a white, fluffy blanket was thrown over the land and left to hibernate.
It reminds me of what I think of snow, that whole ordeal about how its Winter’s lament, its gift to nature as an apology for destroying everything it came across. Winter couldn’t help it; it was just in its nature to hurt what it crossed. It didn’t mean to, it just did it without thinking. But does Winter love nature? That’s a question I’m thinking about now.
It’s making me realize something – aren’t I doing the same thing? I hurt Isa by getting close to her and not being what she needed, and I was hurting Jack and Faith by leaving them behind for who knows how long. It’s like I can’t get close to someone else without hurting them. Is that just human nature, is it natural for us to hurt the ones we love without realizing it? No, it can’t be. But if it’s not, why was I doing it? I don’t want to do it, not at all, yet I’ve done it anyway. Maybe it’s just my nature.
As I’m thinking on that, I suddenly feel my phone buzz in my pocket. Wait, I’m not expecting a call, who could this be? I take the phone out of my pocket, and I see two words I was hoping I would never have to see again. Two words I wish I could forget for the rest of my life.
Isabelle Latem.
I have two choices here; I can either listen to what she has to say, or I hang up now and hope she never calls again. If I did just ignore her, she’d just call me again. It was probably best to just hear what she had to say and get it out of the way. I accept the call.
“Hey,” I say. “Why are you calling?”
“You don’t sound very happy to hear from me,” Isa says quietly.
“That’s because I’m not. You know, you don’t exactly want to hear from the person who broke your heart.”
“No, I suppose not. I just wanted to talk to you, I... I’m sorry. When I was considering breaking up with you, I never once took your feelings into consideration. I don’t want us to have bad blood. Can we still be friends?”
“Friends, huh...” I shake my head. “I don’t know. I genuinely don’t know. No offense to you, but I would rather forget you for the rest of my life. You aren’t exactly a part of my story I’d like to include in the future.”
“Josh, come on... you know I still care about you, right?”
“You ‘care’ about me? What’s your definition of caring about someone? You didn’t check up on me after the breakup, not even once. You know nothing about what happened to me after all that shit.”
“I was scared to check on you. I didn’t know what you felt like after that- ah.”
“Exactly. You didn’t know. You never asked. You just took what I told you in the moment at face value and ran with it.”
“Well, can you at least tell me what happened?”
“I got caught up in the winter storm again. On New Year’s Eve, of all days. And when I did, I nearly died. But my friends were there for me, they saved me.” And I realize something; Isa’s breakup wasn’t all bad, because it made me realize something about myself and my friendships. “In a way, I have to thank you, actually. If it wasn’t for that breakup, I wouldn’t have realized how important my friends are. So, thank you.”
“Josh...”
“I’m gonna say this in the nicest way I can, because honestly, I am so pissed at you. I want to cuss you out and call you so many names so badly right now... but I won’t. I’ll just say this; I never want to see you again, I never want to hear from you again. I don’t trust a word you said to me, and I hope you don’t expect me to. I hope that this will be our last goodbye to each other, Isabelle Latem.”
“Isabelle, huh... you must really be angry at me.”
I give her silence in return.
“Right, sorry...” she says. “Goodbye.”
“Goodbye.”
End call.
I let out a deep breath. More emotions were snowballing and getting bigger now. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I’m not sure this should be a place I cry, anyway, in front of all these people. You shouldn’t cry in front of strangers; it’ll just make you stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m not crying right now.
I look at the laptop that’s in front of me, and there’s a bunch of different words filled with black, contrasted in front of a pure, white background, and surrounded by a simple border with complex controls. This was where I was putting the story of my life, a story that I wouldn’t be the only one to know, but I wish I was. But Jack knew about it, Faith knew about it, even Isa knew about it... because they were all there for it from the very beginning. My story wouldn’t be what it is without them.
Then I look out of the window again. It was starting to snow, so as you stare out to the land covered in a cold blanket, you also see the flecks that created it rushing past you at a blur. Those flecks took no time to greet themselves, they simply passed by without a care in the world. Does that make them selfish?
Before I can answer that question myself, my phone buzzes again. I let out a deep sigh, knowing exactly who it was. Whatever she had to say, I don’t want to hear it. I pick the phone up, and just as I’m about to decline the call, I look at the caller ID, and I let out a sigh of relief.
Jack Korus.
I pick up the phone.
“Hello?” I say. “What’s up?”
“Just checking on you,” Jack says. “You doing okay?”
“I was, then guess who called me?”
“You’re joking.”
“I wish I was.”
Jack stays silent for a while. “Well, sorry about that. How’re you feeling?”
“Happy, sad, angry, a mixture of a shit ton of emotions, really...”
“Still holding it in?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do Freuds not cry, either?”
“Not on trains in front of strangers.”
“Why not?”
“It’s weird.”
“It’s weird?”
“It’s weird.”
“That’s a first... well, it probably doesn’t mean much, but let me rant anyway... I think crying isn’t a sign of weakness at all. In fact, I’d argue it’s the strongest thing you could do. Most people aren’t in tune with their emotions, and they refuse to accept them... when someone shows emotion, they’re also showing strength, showing they’re not afraid to show what they’re feeling. Even showing fear is strength.”
“I... You’re not gonna make me cry.” I feel myself tearing up. “I won’t cry.”
“You know nobody will judge you, right? I think you deserve to let it all out, too, after all the stuff you’ve gone through.”
I can feel my voice getting shaky. “I want to cry, Jack, but I just can’t...”
“It’s okay to cry, but you have to let yourself cry. Just forget about whatever your parents taught you, you’re not a Dragol anymore. You’re you.”
“Jack, I...” I take a deep breath in, and for the first time in years... I cry in front of strangers. In front of people in general. Letting myself show my most vulnerable side.
It feels so... liberating. All the bad memories I’ve accumulated over the years, collapsing into one. I can’t even control myself anymore, I’m just bawling my eyes out. I know people are looking at me, but I don’t care. Even though tears are coming out, I’ve never felt better. It feels so good to finally let everything out.
Everything comes to me at once. Friendships and fights, relationships and breakups, love and squalor... everything crashes into me, then fades out one at a time, through my eyes. It feels like I’m... me.
Even though Jack isn’t with me, I can feel him here, putting his hand on my shoulder like he always does when he’s giving advice. I realize he can hear me on the other line, and he hasn’t said a single thing since I started crying.
“Thank you, Jack...” I say, still crying. “I really needed that.”
“Of course, Josh,” he says.
“I’ll talk to you and Faith again when I reach Wrosa, okay?” My tears will slowly letting up, but they still streamed down my face.
“I’ll look forward to it. See you.”
“See you.”
End call.