π^th PIRATE: How many pirates does it take to calculate the value of pi?

φ^th PIRATE: I dunno . . . How about a party?

e^th PIRATE: Yo, gunner, whatcha got that’s smoking?

π^eth PIRATE: Eyes on the prize! Party with the Pi, parrot-pluckahz! (Cannon. Drums.)

Who’s that Chewbacca doing handstands on the capstan?

Who’s hopping on a pegleg, saying “You know I don’t abstain!”

Who’s drumming up the rum butt—why, it’s the Uncaptain!—

The poop deck’s like a letter—it’s got the stamp on!

It’s a pirate party, it’s a pirate party, so shake your booty.

Never mind The Groundwork

For the Metaphysics of Morals—

Shimmy with your scimitar and uncorral some quarrels

You’re all so handsome, you’ll get a big ransom

If it’s all hands on deck they’ll raise an insane storm

Scratch blunder off your blunderbuss—it’s no blunder to plunder

The wheels on this ‘buss are going rounder and rounder

Wave your ‘buss in the air, it will get you anywhere

The passengers are panicking to pay their fare

Like Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton

You might come from Camden but you’ll get into the Norton

It’s a pirate party, it’s a pirate party, so shake your booty.

It’s a pirate party, it’s a pirate party, leave duty in Djibouti.

Somali pirates of the Caribbean got nothing on me

Even when I’m peeing I am being ornery

I calculate the value of piasters like Mitt Romney

I climb the frigate rigging, bringing the triggers on me

Bullets are like boarding in that they don’t bore me

I dispel boredom at board meetings, saying, Hello bored members,

Care to walk the plank? I want to say thank

You to you for your support of my dis-

Porting ashore with your offshore hoarding, for bank-

Rolling the rolling I do after porting, for ad-

Ding the ding I have to the fun I have cavorting

Your boarding school had you reporting on importing and exporting

But my boarding school was no-frills, its one major was boarding

And I got magna cum laude, in a crowd of rowdies I’m the rowdiest

I appear and disappear so fast they call me the Quantum Pirate

Yo it’s the Max Planck I walk cause you know I’m so maximum

I eat off crystal plates placed next to a chrysanthemum

I’m full of stratagem, parrots think I’m a total gem

And cockatoos skipping double-Dutch without slipping

Coo I’m Most Likely to Disrupt International Shipping

It’s a pirate party, it’s a pirate party, so shake your booty.

It’s a pirate party, it’s a pirate party, leave duty in Djibouti.

It’s a pirate party, it’s a private party, put on tutus—you’re looting

good!