Male Monologues
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DRAMA
STEPHEN
No, I’m not going to Mom’s. (Beat.) So what I’m supposed to, it’s her weekend. It’s my weekend, too, and I’m not going. (Beat.) Listen, it’s just way more fun here. And there’s this girl at the video store who’s cool. You let us eat pizza for breakfast. Dad, you’re cool. And Mom’s not. We see her almost all the time.
Can’t I stay? (Beat.) Why? (Beat.) Don’t you care about me? How come you don’t like me? Why don’t you just come out and say you don’t care? Why do we come here at all? It’s just a stupid pretence.
You’re a joke, by the way. Always trying to be cool. You’re not. You’re old. And boring. And embarrassing. At least Mom knows she’s a mom. (Beat.) Just leave me alone unless you decide you really want me around.
DANNY
Listen, you can’t keep me here. We both know it. So why bother grounding me? It’s a joke. (Beat.) I can’t take you seriously when you go all parent-y on me. You can put your foot down all you want. Nothing you do can make me follow your rules. I’m bigger than you. I’m at least as smart as you. (Beat.) You’re not going to throw me out on the street; I’m your kid.
So, let’s approach this from an adult perspective, okay? (Beat.) I’ll tell you what that means. I want to go out tonight. You don’t want me to. What if I go out tonight and — here’s the part you’ll like — get back by eleven? And to sweeten the deal for me, you’ll give me fifty bucks in exchange for my curfew. (Beat.) No, that’s the deal. Otherwise, I’ll just go out and come back whenever I like.
Go ahead. Kick me out of the house. As if.
TOBY
It made sense. Go in the house. Steal the money. Any ATM cards, credit cards. When that lady came in the room, well, it … I got panicked. You know? So I just grabbed what was at hand. I didn’t really think about it. I just hit her with this gavel thing, like lawyers have. She started screaming so I had to hit her a lot. Over and over again. I just kept thinking, “Shut up! Shut up or someone’s going to come!”
I was obsessed in that moment with just getting out, getting away without … without getting in trouble. It’s almost funny. Without getting in trouble. I’m in the worst trouble ever. The worst trouble anyone can be in. I threw my life away. I ruined my life. It’s not fair.
EMERSON
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about guns. You just have to know how to use them. A smart person should be able to have one. Why not? For hunting or protecting yourself. You never know what psycho might show up at your door. You have to be prepared.
It’s no different, really, than the idea that rock music makes you a Satanist. If you have a brain, even if you’re listening to some band saying something about killing or whatever, you’re not going to do it. No singer can make me a murderer and having a gun doesn’t make me a killer.
DAZ
My brother was done in. At McDonald’s. There’s no way I can get through this world without scars. I’m sixteen already. I got this one on my forehead when I was ten. This one on my arm, that was a knife a few weeks back.
I gotta put some cocoa butter on it so the skin doesn’t get hard. If you don’t, your skin kinda pulls and it hurts. I made that mistake a while back and I got one that aches bad.
But it’s all bullshit. I see that. It’s crazy that I gotta think about watching my back every minute in addition to doing my homework. As if history class wasn’t hard enough. There’s some kind of — what do you call it? — irony about not being able to learn history and us kids setting out to keep knifing each other day after day. Don’t make sense.
MEL
Grandpa, can you hear me? Your eyes look like you can hear me. It must be pretty awful in there. I don’t mean to depress you or anything. I just can’t help thinking this must be the worst thing in the world. Having your mind work but your body doesn’t. There must be loads of things you want to say and do. To be honest, I’m really scared of getting old. Not just getting sick, although that is bad, but also just having stuff give out on you. Like this guy I see getting on the bus in the morning. It takes him ages just to climb the steps to get on.
I wish I knew what I could say to make it better for you. I don’t know. I guess I just want you to know that I see that you hear me and all that.
GREG
What’s worse: saying something bad to someone or not saying something you really want to say? I think I regret more the things I didn’t say. (Beat.) Here it is, summertime, and I never told Dana Winkler from my bio class how much I really, really liked her. What’s the worst that could have happened? She would have laughed at me. Mocked me. So what. I’ve withstood taunting before. I could have told people she was lying. Why am I such a wimp?
Everyone is so scared of doing something that’s socially wrong. Of being different or calling attention to themselves. We’re all so busy trying to be like everyone else that we don’t even know who we are or what we like anymore. No one is an individual anymore. Why are we all so nuts? Does this ever go away or are we destined to be insecure maniacs forever? That’s something to look forward to.
EMMETT
Pete, I think something’s seriously wrong with me. Tell me if you think I’m mental. (Beat.) Okay. I’m all messed up. I mean, I can’t concentrate. My thinking is all off. I can’t manage to do anything I’m supposed to. I’m kind of in pain and anxious all the time. There’s a tightness in my chest and my stomach is freaking out …
Well, there’s this girl. And I can’t stop thinking about her. And I’m really trying! I have loads to do, exams coming up and all. So, I’m becoming, like, obsessed or something. (Beat.) I saw her in the grocery store the other day and I really, seriously considered following her home. I managed to stop myself, but I’ve been to that grocery store four times since to see if she’d come back.
Honestly, I’m really worried that I’ve gone over the edge. Your parents are psychiatrists, so I thought maybe you had some idea about this kind of thing, that maybe they talked about stuff … What’s wrong with me?
BUCK
Yeah, it’s no big. She ignores me when other people are around, but when we’re alone … (Beat.) Yeah, she’s wild. So, it’s worth it. Really. I don’t mind. (Beat.) Nah, we don’t do any of those “date” things. We just hang out. In private.
Lay off, man. She is not ashamed of me … exactly. And so what if she is? All my friends know I have a girlfriend and I know I have a girlfriend and that’s cool.
Okay, fine, it sucks. But what am I supposed to do? Isn’t it better to have a girlfriend who pretends you’re invisible better than not having a girlfriend at all? I get to make out with a girl who’s kinda popular and pretty and cool and all I have to do is not talk to her in school. It’s a trade-off. That’s what life’s about — compromise.
How long will it go on? I guess until she decides she can do better than me. Who knows? Maybe I’ll find someone else. You never know.
DAMON
I get it. I understand that this is a big deal, especially for girls. But here’s the thing. Is there ever going to be a really perfect time? You could wait forever for that. So why not now? You know I care about you. You definitely know I want you. (Beat.) Believe me, I won’t dump you afterwards.
I’m going to say something potentially awful sounding here. I don’t mean it that way; I’m just being practical. If a guy has any chance of getting sex more than once with a girl, why would he leave? Unless he was absolutely guaranteed that another girl would do it with him, you’re going to go with the sure thing, right?
I am not being a jerk. I knew you’d take it like that. I am just trying to talk this out. That’s what you wanted, didn’t you? I personally think it’s a waste of time. (Beat.) We’ve had this conversation a hundred times! I just don’t want to have it anymore. I think you should be honest with me now. Is there any chance that we will actually get past this phase and actually do it? Or is this it? (Beat.) Well, this isn’t enough. And it’s getting really boring.
BRYAN
I don’t know why. I’m just confident. Why not? (Beat.) There’s no secret. I just wake up in the morning and don’t think much at all. “Hey, that’s me in the mirror.” “It’s Wednesday, right?” Those are the things I think. Nothing deep. I guess I just know nothing’s going to be that bad. People like me for the most part. I’m not incredible at anything, not bad at anything. Everything works out more or less. Okay at sports. Not the last picked for the team or anything. I just don’t let things get to me. (Beat.) You ought to try it sometime. Don’t analyze and think so much. It’s overrated. Just let stuff happen. Whatever.
Look, it’s actually hard to be around you when you analyze stuff all the time. You’re kind of a downer. You’re all glass half empty. (Beat.) So, yeah. I’m actually gonna go.
MAX
You make me so mad; you know that? I don’t know what it is about you. Why do you always bring me down whenever I’m happy? All my dreams are impractical. I should be rational. I ought to work harder. Why can’t you just give me unconditional support? You’re my father — would it be so hard? It’s your job. Can’t you just say, “You got a B plus in your hardest subject; that’s great!” instead of “You’ll do better next time”?
I know you’re trying to be nice. That’s the worst part. You’re always trying to be helpful, so I look like a jerk when I get mad. (Beat.) When I’m sad, don’t say, “Just keep trying. Maybe if you work harder, things will improve.” What I want to hear is “I’m so sorry. Everything will be okay.” Even if it’s a lie. Just some sympathy. I don’t always want to work to be better. Maybe I can’t get any better. Maybe I’m tired of working.
You’re not a bad father. And I definitely don’t think you should work harder at it. Take it easy for once.
GRAY
You never show up to any of my plays, Dad. And you always go to Jordy’s games. (Beat.) I know you like sports and you respect football more than theater, but it would mean a lot to me … I just feel like you don’t care about me, Dad.
This is important to me. So are you and Mom. When you look down on what I do … It’s just not fair. Jordy’s not a better person. He never even tries at anything. He’s just lucky. Always lucky. Not only is he great at sports and all the girls like him and the guys respect him, he’s your favorite. Just because he got the good genes. Would it kill you to just give me a little attention and respect sometimes?
LOUIS
So, I just told my dad. He was totally silent. At least he didn’t hit me or anything. Yet. Or maybe that would be better. He’s a marine, that’s his way. I just know he’s never going to accept me now. It’s bad enough that he never liked me.
I think he’s always suspected I’m gay. I just can’t stand pretending anymore. Do you think my mom will stop accepting me, too, now? She was okay about it before. She says she loves me anyway. Maybe she’ll leave my dad and we’ll live together, the two of us. Can I be totally honest with you? (Beat.) That’s actually what I’ve always wanted.
My dad is never going to like me or who I am. What I am. God, you’d think me telling him the truth would show him that I’m a strong person. Brave even. It was hard saying anything to him. The hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I wish he would have said something. He just walked away. Stared and walked away. (Beat.) Straight people never have to come out and tell their parents who they’d like to have sex with someday. How come we do? It isn’t right. I just hope my life doesn’t get even worse now.
BRAD
Jesus doesn’t want us to be gay. The church says it’s not right. So I’m not going to be. (Beat.) It is something I can just decide. I don’t know why I ever felt any other way.
My parents always told me I can be anything I want to be. And I want to be heterosexual. So I am. I never really was anything else. I’ve never done it with anyone. So forget what I said before. I was confused. Stupid. (Beat.) If you tell anyone, I’ll say you’re a liar. And I’ll tell them what you are.
Come on. I don’t want us to be enemies. You are the only person who listened to me, talked to me, when … you know, I was going through stuff. I just thought maybe we could help each other. Start a new life. (Beat.) I do believe in God and I want to be a better person. It’s not being dishonest. It’s wanting a better life. An easier life. And I do want a family and kids. Don’t you?
That’s what you want to hear; what you want to believe. It’s not true. There aren’t ways to find love and have a family and be a homosexual. Society won’t accept you. And I’m not strong enough for that. (Beat.) I’m sorry if I’m disappointing you, but that’s how I feel.
HAWK
My parents kicked me out. I told them my uncle abused me. And it was the truth. They told me I was a liar. I wasn’t an angel, I’ll admit. I’m not the best kid in the world. But that was the truth.
I’m glad they kicked me out, though. Now I don’t ever have to see my uncle again or be around people who have no respect for me. Who don’t trust or believe me when I really need them to.
We look out for each other here. We’re like a community. Everyone has a story. A lot have a story like mine. Or drugs. Or they’re gay. Or all of the above. The hardest part is the obvious stuff. Food, drink, shelter. It gets really cold in the winter. There are times you want to give up, you just want to die, but no one will let you. We’re real friends. Not the phony kind you have when you’re a kid. “I’ll be your best friend if you let me have your video game.” You don’t have to bribe anyone.
Unless you get into the drug thing. And I won’t lie. It’s hard not to. Forgetting can be a really good thing. But then you end up in a whole sex spiral trying to get money for your next fix. Stick with me. You’ll be okay.
CALVIN
Don’t hang up. Please, don’t. I want to help you. Tell me what’s wrong. Sometimes it just helps to say it. (Beat.) Maybe I won’t understand. But try me. I’ve heard just about everything. Probably worse things than you’re going through. You wouldn’t believe the things people can live through. (Beat.) What if I told you something I’m dealing with? Last week a girl called and killed herself while she was talking to me. It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Please don’t make me go through it again. (Beat.) I know it’s not my fault, but I feel guilty. Thinking about what I could have said or done. I have to live with this girl’s death forever. Please. Tell me anything. Tell me you’ve been beaten or raped or cut from the cheerleading team — anything. Just talk to me. We can work this out. I really want to try to help. Trust me when I tell you that your death will screw up a lot more people than just you.
ANDREW
What is the point of my whole life? I’m destined to be alone, so it’s not to have a family and all that. I won’t be the scientist who’s going to cure cancer. It’s not to accomplish anything because I am useless. I have nothing to add to this world. No one’s ever gone out of their way to tell me I’m good at anything. No one even particularly likes me. People put up with me. People just put up with me. Where does this leave me? Why was I born?
I’m not depressed. I don’t need help. I’m not crazy. I’m just a failure, that’s all.
PHOENIX
I can’t stand watching the news anymore. Can we change the channel? (Beat.) I know it’s important to know about your world, but when I see all this stuff about Iraq and Israel and all those places, I can’t help thinking about the kids that live there. Kids my age. I know what it’s like to be scared of something happening to you. And it must be even worse for them. But we never see that. So it makes me sad and mad to see this stuff on TV. It’s always so one-sided. If people could think more about who they are destroying, kids like me, kids with parents like them, maybe the world wouldn’t have so many problems.
When you really think about the reality of what it’s like to die from a bomb, for instance, it’s horrible. Maybe your skin will be burned off your body. You could be psychologically scarred for the rest of your life by what you’ve seen. I don’t mean to be graphic, but we really ought to think of things like that.
If you wouldn’t want that kind of fate for you or your kids, why would you want that for other people? (Beat.) I’m not saying it’s right for people to do evil things. I’m saying the opposite. But it just seems to me that if people thought about consequences more and who they are hurting besides dictators and all that, maybe the world would be a better place. You just shouldn’t have to be scared all the time, no matter where in the world you live, when you’re only a teenager.
JOHN
My life is ruined. I’ve lost everything. Every word I ever wrote is gone. There’s no way I can make up all the work lost on my computer. (Beat.) I know I should have backed it up on disks — at least I know it now — but don’t tell me that. That’s not what I need to hear. It does me no good. It just makes me miserable. Like when you tell me to be careful after I hurt myself. It does no good and I’m already miserable enough. Why do you want to add to it and torture me? (Beat.) I swear; you hate me. Just dump me off in a field somewhere to be picked apart by vultures. It’ll be better than going to school tomorrow.
TONY
You want me to feel sorry for you, but I won’t. You deserve to fail and it’s not my fault. Why am I responsible for you? I was supposed to do your homework for you, help you through, let you cheat off of me because we’re best friends. (Beat.) Maybe you’re not my best friend, though. Maybe a friend wouldn’t always ask that kind of thing. It makes me, like, support your problem. So you’ll graduate stupid. How does that help? How does that make you my best friend? I know you think I betrayed you, but I can’t do this anymore. If that makes you hate me, well, I guess that’s just how it will be. (Beat.) I’m starting to feel like a sucker for letting you use me for so long. No more. You’ll have to find a new nerd to use from now on.
HUGO
I’d rather not. No. I’m cool. (Beat.) No, really, man.
Well, yeah, I am a little scared of getting caught. Plus, I’d like to keep all my brain cells. (Beat.) I don’t care if everyone’s doing it. (Beat.) Fine, I’m a loser. (Beat.) Great. We aren’t friends anymore. Whatever. Do you think that hurts me? (Beat.) Okay, so all of you think I’m chicken. Yeah, that clucking is so original. Only losers do anything they’re told to do.
Whatever! Call me all the names you want. I don’t need you guys. (Beat.) Maybe I will join the chess club. At least they aren’t moronic.
What are you going to do when you get home? Maybe your parents don’t pay any attention to you, but mine do. They will know what I’ve been doing. And I’ll be screwed for life. I’m too young to ruin my life. I was planning to at least wait until college for that.
Okay. (Beat.) You win. Give it here.
ROCCO
I don’t think I can hack it. I heard some guys talking about me today and they were saying that I was hopeless. I can’t go back. But, listen, it’s okay. I’ll just get another job tomorrow. (Beat.) I just don’t want to be at a place where they talk about you behind your back. (Beat.) Yeah, they’re evaluating. I know. But it’s a lot of pressure.
Try to imagine, just for a moment, what’s it’s like to have all these orders yelled at you with more and more people coming in, more shouted orders, and here I am, still trying to figure out how the espresso machine works! Customers are getting all pissy then. One lady said to me, “You don’t know what you’re doing.” People brought their orders back because they were wrong. And other people are yelling, “My God, this is taking all day! I have to be at work!” and stuff like that.
I don’t want to be a quitter. But sometimes maybe it’s better to cut your losses. Admit you’re defeated. (Beat.) It’s just really shitty there and I’m not going back, okay?